Lost my libido

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by clamber, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    I know this topic will have been discussed before, but everybody's situation is different and personal, so I've started my thread.

    I've been in a relationship over a year with a great guy. For the first 6 months or so we had plenty of sex, and it was the most fun and adventurous sex I've ever had, as my boyfriend took the time and effort to work out what I really like rather than just ask and then give up, and we have similar interests.

    However, for the last 6 months I've really lost my sex drive, and just haven't felt horny. We still have sex, but only every 2 or 3 weeks, and I enjoy it, but don't feel horny before or after. Sometimes my boyfriend will try to initiate sex, but I won't feel in the mood and feel really uncomfortable with the thought of sex, almost like I want to hide my bits away and keep them to myself. We are still really affectionate and cuddle up in bed, but don't turn that into sexual antics as much as we used to.

    This is really bothering my boyfriend, and I can see he's hurt by it, so I want to sort it out. I know everybody will have peaks and troughs with their sex drive, but I've always been quite into sex so losing my libido is quite unusual and I don't know what to do about it.

    So I have a few questions:

    How important is it to find the cause, or do we just have to try and find a solution? (I had a few personal problems last year which may have been the cause). Personally, I like to understand why a problem is happening before I try to fix it, otherwise you're always fixing the symptoms and not the actual problem. I have a feeling that just 'trying new things' as I expect some people may suggest, won't be enough.

    How *do* we go about pinning down the cause?

    What solutions are there?

    Any other advice from people that have been here?

    Thanks.
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I've been there, and it's hard. My suggestions are to first make yourself a gyn appointment, and make sure to tell the doctor about this issue. I, like you, think the cause is important. You must realize, though, that you don't always have the liberty of knowing..... Are you on birth control medications? Are you on any other medication such as for depression? Those personal problems in the past could well be the cause.
     
  3. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    agree
    and I am sorry for your troubles
     
  4. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    Going through this really sucks. As much as you want to do your part to make the relationship thrive...It is so difficult is you can not get yourself to warm up to the idea of WANTING to get intimate. I went through a similar phase..but I was pregnant and then the postpartum thing wasn't very fun either.

    Are you inhibited because of your upbringing maybe? Did he do something to turn you off from wanting him sexually? Are you still attracted to him in that way? Could it be health related? Have you been stressing about work or other life issues? I think that the solution will depend on what the cause is.

    What I used to do when not in the mood was still go through with it...once I got started it was enough to keep me going and into the moment. Seeing how good I can make him feel ignites something in me so I can keep going. Once we are done, I love the way we can both just snuggle up and be happy together with no tension between the two of us.

    I hope everything works out for you :)
     
  5. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    I'm on the pill, but the same one I have been for years.

    I'm not on any medication for depression, when I was down I just saw a coincillor. It was around the same time I lost my libido, so could be connected. One other thing that happened around then was that I had acupuncture - I'm sure that wasn't the cause but I've been trying to pin down all possibilities!
     
  6. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. It's not my upbringing. I have been stressing about a few things, and moved house last September (partly to try to fix my depression, which started getting better around October, and the sex started to die in December).

    If it is down to personal problems (the most likely explanation I guess), I'm not sure how to turn that into a solution. I'll try your ideas - I do enjoy the lack of tension after sex, although we do have nice snuggling other times too ;)
     
  7. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    Hi all,

    I've been discussing this with my boyfriend quite a lot really. It's strange, because now we've identified it as a real issue, it seem a lot more dramatic! We had a thought last night, that we tried and it seemed to work a bit, so will continue with it. Basically, I described that now we're talking about it as an issue, I feel a little bit more scared about it all. Before, I could just see how things panned out every time we get into a sexual situation, depending on what mood I was in. Now, I have to think about it in advance, which means I feel like I want to clam up!!

    So I suggested that we go 'back to basics' and kind of both act like we're getting into sex for the first time. It sounds a bit silly, especially since we were so adventurous before, but there's a reason I thought it would work - when you first get into sex you're nervous about the whole situation. So as I'm nervous already in my current situation, then if we manafacture a scenario where I'm *meant* to be nervous, then I'll be more in my depth rather than out of it.

    So we tried it, and I got into stuff quite well, which is a start. It was quite nice and cosey, with candles lit etc. My mind still went a little funny later on, but small steps and all that. Today I feel a bit positive at it all - like I can get excited about sexual intimiacy, even if not horny as such.

    Do people think this is a worthy idea, or just deceiving myself?
     
  8. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    This is a great idea! The fact that you are willing to take those baby steps and that your partner is very patient and willing to help you through it is wonderful. Just like every other aspect of a relationship, it takes a lot of work. You will have your good days and bad ones. All in all there is nothing wrong with going back to the basics. I am sure many men here would love to at least have that kind of action in their life. Thanks for updating, I was wondering how things were going for you.
     
  9. Clark

    Clark Member

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  10. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    That's really sweet to hear from a random stranger, thanks :)
     
  11. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    Thanks, good article, and the tips are useful. They made me realise I'm pretty sure we're on the track. Maybe our adventurousness before, despite being fun, was also bad - I already considered the view that perhaps the fact that we've done some stuff I'd always wondered about, meant I was less curious about them, and therefore had less desire for sex. I think it's more than that though - that sex has become more about the big adventurous finish, and less about the intimacy. That's not to say we didn't build up to the big things with nice little things, as we did, I'm talking more about how I see it in my head. Now I'm feeling a hint of excitement about it all again, touching and caressing and then see what they lead on to, instead of a particular big deal and just see how we lead up to it.
     
  12. clamber

    clamber New Member

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    p.s. I don't think it's *just* because of this, I'm sure my personal problems were a big factor in their own way. But I think I've now got enough of the 'why' to find the 'what to do now' :)