Lost a friend and am confused ..

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Barbwire, Jun 15, 2009.

  1. Barbwire

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    I don't know how I can explain all this without it coming out to read like a novel, but I need a sounding board, so please bear with me.

    I have a friend has has been a very close "horse buddy" for a number of years. She is part of the core group of women that I go horsecamping with. We all tend to plan our trips so we can be parked next to one another and we save each other stalls for our horses. It goes beyond that, but in general, we are buds and we stick close to one another.

    Now, this friend confessed to me a few weeks ago that she's been having affairs on her husband. I understand her situation, and never passed judgement on her. We all have needs, right? Then, a week ago, my friend calls me and says she's planning a get away with one of her lovers and wants me to back up her story in case anyone asks. I felt weird about it, but let it pass.

    On our last camping trip, she did a lot of things to make it obvious she was screwing around and used me and another close friend as pawns to try to deny it when people started to ask her questions about where she was. She showed up a day and a half late at camp and we waited around for her. We fielded questions from other people that are not in our inner circle about our friend's whereabouts. She showed up at camp and started acting obnoxious and pissed a lot of peole off. We, her friends, covered for her again and tried to keep the peace.

    There's a lot more to the story of that camping trip, but I'll suffice it to say I was left feeling like I'd been used and treated like shit just so my friend could have some dick.

    Now, just today, we were discussing our next trip and my friend is bringing her lover. It was kind of the last straw hearing that from her, so I told her I thought she was being indescreet and that she really ought to think about what she was doing BEFORE her husband found out.

    She sent me an email saying she never wanted to hear from me again and that I'd overstepped my bounds. I wrote back to her and told her that was fine because I didn't want to be a part of her deception any more.

    Now, I feel just sick about the situation. I can't believe I've lost a friend over this. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I just couldn't take it any more.

    Was I wrong in saying what I did?



     
  2. igor

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    CL, I firmly believe you did the right thing. Someone who is indeed a friend would not have put you in the awkward situations she did in the first place (you having to "cover" for her). You did not overstep by telling her how you feel.

    I am sorry that this happened but the way things seem to be going, you will be better off without this "friend."
     
  3. Barbwire

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    Thanks for the input, Igor. I've always been the kind of friend to not make waves, even if I have to nearly bite my tongue off to keep from saying something. I tend to get walked all over and taken for granted and have been in some very lopsided friendships. (my husband pointed that out, I didn't really see it, myself.)

    All these years, and friendships, and I FINALLY say something to one person and it's all gone to shit. I'm just really upset over it.
     
  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    CL...I think you did the right thing by speaking your mind. Here's a thought...you may have "lost" this friend in the short term, but I doubt you've lost this friend in the long-term. It sure sounds to me like she subconsciously WANTS to get caught. Who knows why, but she does. I think your best course of action is to stay disconnected from this friend (although maybe tell her that if she really needs your emotional support in the future, she will have it as always). For your own well-being, it's probably best that you not connect yourself to the situation because of WHEN (not IF) she gets caught by her hubby. AFTER she gets caught by her hubby, she'll probably need (and very much appreciate) emotional support from you. Just my inflation-adjusted $0.02.

    I think you did the right thing by not acting as a pawn for her fling. While she's off having her fling, you can think about whether this is a friendship you really want to keep or whether it's better for you to just let the friendship dissolve.

    BD
     
  5. Barbwire

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    You are the second person that suggested she may actually want to get caught and that may be true. The scary part is, her husband is a retired state trooper with an extensive collection of firearms and a drinking problem. :eek

    What sucks majorly is, this dischord between the two of us will effect the entire horsecamping season and it pains me to see the posse break up. :(
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Why do people do the things they do? I give up...just accept it and handle the shrapnel in a mature way. You can't control what she does (and you're not responsible for it, so don't let yourself slip into any situation that might give you responsibility). The only thing you can control is your own reaction to it, so just concentrate on that.

    Again, breaking up the posse is only temporary (until she gets caught). I think she definitely WANTS to get caught...who knows what the subconscious drivers are for that in her case. At the rate it sounds like she's going, it won't be long until she's busted of her own accord.

    BD
     
  7. bluedragon

    bluedragon New Member

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    well they say hine site is alway better than for site.

    You should be glad your where your at now. First reason is loook at this she was asking you to lie for her. over looking what she was doing is fine till you got pulled into it, what if her husand had been the one asking the questions. Now you see what I mean, if he is a friend you would of lost them both and may still. And if this would get called into court you could be called to be a witness.
    Two the fact that your group is tight make this bad also because now you also lie to your friends covering her ass and she showed you she didn't care for your friendship in the first lace by ask you to do this for her.

    So now how many of your other friends are now upset with you for not telling them the truth.

    Gets ugly don't it went you step back and look at it.
    BIll
     
  8. HardRocker

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    The limits you set for yourself are perfectly reasonable. Any one who expects to be a friend to another person should try to coerce that person into dishonesty to cover or justify their own selfish reasons. You had no other choice that would have allowed you to live within your own moral boundaries. Mine are set to similar standards as yours. If someone wants to crossover and be an outlaw, I'm not going along for that ride. It hurts that she has lost her freakin mind, or at least, sense of direction, but you are being a better friend to her by taking the high road. She's not a child, but that doesn't mean you can't still set a better example. Maybe it's temporary; it might get lonely for her without any collaborators, and she'll have some quiet time to think about it.
     
  9. Hot Wheels

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    I'm with Igor on this one.....she shouldn't have put you in that position in the first place.
    By the sound of it....your better off without her....and no doubt your other horsecamping buddies would agree....
     
  10. Barbwire

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    It's just disheartening to me. I mean, all these years and all the friends I've had, I've never said anything to them if I thought it would upset them. I guess I was immature and feared losing them as friends. Now, the one time I DO say something, and I've done just that.

    I just don't get it. All I was trying to do was help her see the light and to maybe get a grip on herself before everything blew up in her face. I guess the next time I see a friend with a gun to their proverbial head, I should just let them pull the trigger.
     
    #10 Barbwire, Jun 17, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2009
  11. HardRocker

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    Naaaa, I don't think so. I bet you'd let them get pissed. At least that's how you'd know they're still alive. From there, they'll either work out their own shit or not, but your words, though first rejected, would still be nagging in the back of their heads.
     
  12. Barbwire

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    After not hearing from my friend, I figured she was moving on. I had things I needed to get off my chest and since she didn't call me like I had asked, I sat down and wrote her an email. I explained how I felt as logically as I could without getting overly emotional and hit the "send" button.

    She just called me and we talked things out. She told me that her husband already knew about her affairs and did not care. At this point she is only concerned that the rest of the horse folk community finding out.

    She told me I was not permitted to talk to her about affairs of the heart AT ALL. I told her I was glad to be informed of this new rule because when she spilled her guts to me about her affairs a month ago, I sure felt like she trusted me enough to discuss anything.

    So, as it stands now we are still friends, but I have taken a valuable lesson away from all of this. Don't assume, because you've known someone for a long time and that you care for them you have the right to offer them advice about their private matters, even though they drag you into them kicking and screaming.

     
  13. igor

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    I'd say if she didn't want to know your feelings and maybe accept your feelings on the matter she should have kept her mouth shut and not asked yo to "cover" for her in the first place. She got you involved whether you wanted to be or not. Be very cautious in the future.