Lossing touch, Please help

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Babiegurl, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Babiegurl

    Babiegurl New Member

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    I'm just tired of this on going battle between hubby and I. Its just getting irritating. Our sex life is basically nonexsistant ant. The same scenarios play out all the time. I want to have sex and he doesnt, he never initiates sex, there isnt any affection. Its just so....empty. When we were dating thats all it was sex sex sex sex and more sex, when ever we could get a moment alone when ever our time together was short we still made time. Within the past 4-5 years he's changed. He's not interested he's not turned on. He's even told me that he cant control himself, so if he's horny he might not get hard or keep it up. Then on top of all of this when we do have sex is short lived very short lived. I cant do this any more I'm tired of getting turned down and not feeling wanted. I try and make it about us but if i just leave it up to him to make a move when he's ready it will never happen because he doesnt think about being with me he doesnt think about sex on a regular basis so with him it never happens. I cant keep going and just waiting for the nothingness of him coming to me. He should want me, he should need me. I know it all sound selfish but come on 5 years??? How long am I supposed to wait for him to get out of his rut? How long should I wait for his libido to catch up with mine again? HOW LONG? I've been very supportive about this and offered up anything I can do to help him through it. Its just seems he has a lack of intrest. I know that him possibly going through a phase or what have you takes time but what am I supposed to do when I just want to be wanted and acknowledged? It just seems the harder I try to help him the less he wants anything to do with me. He's not the same person as he was 2 years into our relationship. He's only 27 and has his issues already. Whats going to happen when he's 40? I'm just tired of this what ever it is.

    I'm really just venting because I have no one else in my life that would understand where I'm coming from then you wonderful people.
     
  2. loveit247

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    Aww, Babie, I really don't know what to say. Is there prehaps a chance that he may be getting it somewhere else? Not to make you worry but have you explored that.

    Has he been to a doctor? This could be physical?
    I feel for you, I really do, when my SO was working so hard on his house he was to tired to have sex. I really felt unwanted and unloved.
     
  3. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    My wife works hard in an extremely stressful job. As we have gotten older, we have developed some health problems as well. I would like to have sex a lot more, however, I am understanding and wait until we can manage to have a nice lovemaking session. That works for us, of course, however, in your situation perhaps it might be good to try to get some counseling of some sort and try to get your husband to go at some point. I truly hope that things will work out well for you two!
     
  4. SexyScorp

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    Maybe, in time, you get yourself a lover if he doesnt change? Would he be open to that....am just thinking if this is something which is ongoing, and I am wondering how else you would get yer needs met? I dont mean to go behind his back..that wouldnt be the best, but at least to keep your options open?

    I know you are a very passionate woman, arent you too a Scorpio....we are a very sexual sign...we need to be desired and pursued sexually dont we?

    And the irony is, we usually end up with men who arent as highly sexed as we are....

    I believe marriage isnt always the best for very passionate people, it seems to dampen things at times....some of us are more the lover than the wife/husband, arent we?

    Isnt life a fecking bummer sometimes?

    Sorry for your sexy Scorpio woman, I am sorry :(

    He dont know what he is missing...aaaarrghhhh!!!
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Kinda sounds like he may have a very strong case of clinical depression.......maybe a form of treatment may help him through and get his love for you and his libido rushing again..

    I know i was like that for a while because i was depressed for a good few years, couldnt even get errect, soim just saying from experience this maybe what he has been going through...its difficult to explin for me, but when i guy has a problem getting aroused, it stays in his mind , making it worse, so the next time an so on, it gets to a stage were you just shut down , and no longer let any sexual feelings or love for that matter get to you....its wierd to explain.
     
  6. SexyScorp

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    i think Babie needs to establish whether her hubbie is depressed or just isnt intereted sexually....there could be a difference.

    After having three husbands, I now realise that none of them were my sexual match...

    None of them were depressed...they just didnt have rampant sexual appetites...

    We were just different!

    My first husband went off with my best friend...she didnt put pressure on him sexually, I know that because I was quite close to her at the time. They are still together and probably have a very "comfortable" marriage..

    Some of us want passion and intensity and heat...comfort isnt at times enough...!
     
  7. heelfetish

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    Babiegurl, you are trying to conceive, right? And may I assume that since he had to spunk in a cup, that you have been trying for a while?

    Having been through that, it could be that he's feeling pressured into having sex. When my wife and I discussed having a baby, we said right from that start that we wouldn't put any pressure on ourselves to conceive. No schedules, no strange positions, it would just happen when it happened.

    After a year, we decided we had better get checked out. I was up first, with a sperm test. Once it was determined that my sperm was fine, she had to see a specialist. They did Laparoscopic Surgery to examine her ovaries. Once she was also determined to be fine, we were given a basil thermometer and a chart to track her body temperatures to predict ovulation. We were to track when and how often we had sex. The whole process was very clinical, and took a lot of the fun out of sex.

    However the process worked, and with the help of some fertility drugs, our son was conceived. However both our sex drives suffered as a result. After a rough couple years, it is only now that our sex drive is returning.

    I am not there with you guys, but from my own experience, I'd wonder if the pressures of trying to have a baby are what is hampering his sex drive. Or perhaps he may not be ready to have a child?

    My best advice is to talk to him about it. Don't confront him, but do talk about it. And talk about it soon. *hugs*
     
  8. Babiegurl

    Babiegurl New Member

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    I know he isnt getting it some where else. We are together most of the time unless he's at work. He's gotten a physical recently and had nothing come up. He's is working alot though, 3-12 hour days and 1-6 hour day. It can be stressful from time to time but I dont notice that he brings it home.

    It normally doesnt bother me. I really understand what he's going through. Its hard for me to get as frustrated as I was last night, it was a moment of weakness on my part. We have thought about counseling but he has a hard time telling personal things to strangers. I'm trying to let him work at his own pace on this. I dont want to push him to where he leaves.


    You're right I am a very very passionate person, its a main factor in my life. About the lover, when hubby was gone for 2 years with the military we had set some rules and I was allowed my freedom of course he knew every detail and it only went to a certain point (no sex) and he knew the guy. I couldnt think about doing that now that he is home. I found that no one could satisfy me the way my husband does. And the hard part is that I dont want anyone but my husband. Those two years were the loneliest and emptiesttwo years of my life. I was my normalself and at the time was very negitive. He's what gives me passion no matter what is going on in our lives.

    I know he isnt depressed right now, I think its how it started though. He lost a very good paying job and for 2 years didnt work, which really made him feel low. Then he was forced by his family to join the military and he was gone for 2 years. He loves his job with the service now but I think that all of the past years are playing a toll in all of this. We talk all the time about what he's been and going through. He says its his own isseues that he needs to work though to get over whatever this is (which he doesnt know himself what it is).

    Your right we have been trying for a year. But it hasnt been pressured to have sex. Like you said in the begining we said we would push to have sex. The only thing that I did was track my ovulation so we knew when the righ time was to have sex. There was a day or two that I was ovulating and he wasnt in the mood so I said thats fine and did my own thing. I would never hassle him to have sex. It did seem right for me to do that. i've talked to him many times about weather we are ready for a child in our lives and weather either one of us want on now. And we know we are ready and we both want a child. He actually was in this whole baby fever thing for a month or so recently, he wanted one more then I did. I think going to the doctor may have brougt a serious light to all of this and he is more focused on making sure I dont have stress and that we are closer as a couple, while all these tests pan out.

    I really want to thank all of you guys for all the support and great advice and help. Its rare that I actually just let it all out like I did last night. Like i previously mentioned it was a moment of weakness on my part. I try and stay strong for him and try and help him through it. Its not easy for either one of us. We did talk last night and he understands how I'm feeling and said that he slips and doesnt me to neglet me. I truely am thankful that you guys are there for me to express this to. Thanks!
     
  9. Dreama

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    Perhaps he should see a counselor or doctor. I don't know what else to say. I hope things get better. :(
     
  10. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    Maybe try some relaxation techniques to help him relax more and to trust you about what you want to do for him and to him. the smell of lavender and cinnamon is what some massage therapist use to help relax the patient when they massage them maybe try some aroma therapy to help him relax more and you can also try a sensuous massage also.

    There is some colors that help relax people also. Red and orange is the color for sexual arousal. Makes sense why people like candle light dinners and candles in the bed room. Fire place works also. That would be fine if you could set up a pallet on the floor in front of the fire place with the smell of lavender and cinnamon filling the air also.
     
  11. Barbwire

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    Babiegurl, except for the age of the husband, your post could have been written by me, word for word. I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.

    Sometimes, reading this forum and hearing about how couples here have sex, just makes me want to cry. To have a lover that actually initiates lovemaking, tried to make me come again, or lasted longer than a few strokes sounds so lovely it's almost heartbreaking for me to read about. I feel like my husband no longer cares about me enough to want to please me, he just gets me off as fast as possible, gets himself off in seconds, then falls asleep. I end up feeling empty, lonely, and unloved.

    Poop, Babiegurl, I didn't mean to turn this into a post about me, sorry.
     
    #11 Barbwire, Feb 14, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2007
  12. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    BabyGurl
    You said that he has seen a Doctor and everything
    was OK.
    Was the Doctor checking him to see why he has
    a lack of libado or just a routine checkup.
    If just routine have him go back and you go
    with Him and tell the Doctor just what you told us.

    Hiker:sf
     
  13. SexyScorp

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    Hmmmm

    I think passionate women feel affronted when their men do not want them and they have to ASK for loving....

    27 is young....I dont get the feeling that he needs a doctor...I think he needs a healer....he has issues that probably Babie or himself cant fix alone...I would recommed therapy or healing...

    Its so sad to see such lovely women treated this way (CL you included)...

    and I am no stranger to this treatment either...

    I have been the brunt of more than one man's hangups and have almost been driven to the brink at times.

    Therein the problems lies, men, very often are slow to go and get help...my second husband didnt, even though I pleaded with him and it drove me away....eventually...

    Sorry ladies for your pain...and sorry for those men who cannot honour you the way you deserve it.

    Venus and Mars.....hmmm.....

    Love x
     
  14. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    I agree with SS you as a couple should probably see someone who could help. Being in the service can sometimes turn a person into Black and white, he probable feels like a failure in his life and is actually in a stress depressed state. Try to cheer him up with activies he enjoys doing, go out more, movies, dinner, a drive in the woods, take a walk to a waterfall. The more you can do together on his days off might improve how he feels about himself. If this does not work, you can always come over to my house for sex, I would do that for you . haha Just kidding!!! Good luck
     
  15. SexyScorp

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    I know a guy who was in the army.....he is a brilliant musician and from his birthchart I know he should have great sexual power....but I have never seen it....he seems so rigid! He is unable to express physically, from what I see...

    You know, I am talking to a few women who are going through similar scenarios....meet a guy...full on love thing, then it starts to dwindle...it has happened to me more than once...

    Maybe we arent, after all, meant for monogomy, maybe for SOME of us, we need the stimulation of having a new partner from time to time....it seems marriage for some becomes too predictable. It also seems the hotter the woman, very often the cooler the man becomes...

    This is something I have observed over the years....rampant women complaining of their men cooling off....

    What is the answer....? How long do we stay with this.....what if one of the partners is extremely sexual and the other isnt? Of course the opposite can occur, with the man being keener...

    I feel we are moving into a new age where the nature of relationships will change...maybe they will become more open...

    I dont know?

    What if upon your deathbed you realised life hadnt fulfilled you in the way you most desired....that you had tolerated something for the sake of someone else....is that love?

    Maybe we need to find a way to have our needs fulfilled but being honest and true to the other person...

    Isnt it very challenging at times?
     
  16. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    We men are just as complicated as women, although most of us won't admit it.
    I was about 28 when I first went off sex for a while and it's happened a few times since then. Knowing the cause is a different question, it can be a mix of all sorts of things, but mostly to do with the mental state IMHO.
    I managed to work through each of those periods without outside help and can offer no advice because everyone is different.

    In the swinger world I've spoken to many males and females who's partners have gone off sex, so they've resorted to swinging away from their partner, it's a very complex subject.
     
  17. SexyScorp

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    Elvis

    Can I ask you.....did this happen (the going off of sex) during your Uranus opposition, what is called the midlife crisis (roughly aged 38-43)?

    Or any other of you guys?

    Thanks
    x
     
  18. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    My anus has always been in opposition Scorp.

    My memory isn't good enough to recall the dates and times, so I can't say for sure. I was able to recall the first occasion because of a specific.
     
  19. SexyScorp

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    HAHAHAHA,,,,,love your quirks Elvis.....

    Sorry I do slip into the astro lingo at times.....and I cant resist the Ur-anus stuff.....and the subseqent double entrendres that normally follow !

    Btw the first one was due to your Saturn return....aged 28/29...its a time where we take stock of everything...the second one comes around 56....probably by then we are fucked or life...haha..

    Thanks Elvis....x
     
  20. Joe

    Joe
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    I've got the same question as Bighiker (post #12). A routine physical is good, but if hubby didn't mention his low libido it's very unlikely a doctor would do the tests required to find the cause. His problem could be mental/emotional, but a major change in one's libido over a short period could very well be physical. Your hubby should go back to the doctor and be frank with him about his lowered sex drive. At the very least, he should have his testosterone levels checked. If it's low he can have hormone replacement therapy.

    A sudden change in libido can be an indicator that something is not right, and further tests should be done. If his testosterone is low, why? I had that problem several years ago and it was a brain tumor. (Pituitary gland controls hormone generation.) When something as basic as one's sex drive changes dramatically, finding out why is important.

    All that said, sexual problems are more often than not caused by our mental state, either directly or indirectly. My guess is that stress, fatigue, depression, worries, etc., etc. don't just take our minds off sex, they can change the chemical production in our bodies so we have no physical need for sex. So don't take it too personally, Babiegurl, it's probably NOT something he can control with willpower. It sounds like he needs a professional's help. I'd start with an MD.

    Best of luck to you both.
     
    #20 Joe, Feb 16, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2007