Losing Interest?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by dreamgal042, Mar 16, 2008.

  1. dreamgal042

    dreamgal042 New Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I've been lurking for a while, but have recently come across an issue in my relationship that I thought you all could help me with.

    So I've been dating this guy since October. I'm a freshman in college (18), he's a senior at the same college (23). This is the first relationship for both of us. And we get along great: I couldn't imagine anyone better than him. To me, we have that perfect combination of serious and joking around. We tease each other all the time, tickle fights and all that, but he's also there for me whenever I need a shoulder, and I'd like to think he knows the same about me. We've been planning since the beginning of this term to go next weekend (the first weekend of our spring break) to stay with my older sister at her apartment because he wanted to meet her and vice versa.

    So here's the issue, and I'm probably jumping to some really bad conclusions. I think he's losing interest in me, but is afraid to say anything. Back story: since he's a senior, he's been working on his senior project, which is due at the end of this coming week, so he's been really busy basically all of this term. My concern comes from the fact that over the past few weeks, he's been starting to treat me differently. He used to tell me last term and beginning of this term (even up till a few weeks ago) that he couldnt say "i love you" to me enough.

    But when I saw him friday night and last night, those were the first nights i could remember ever seeing him when he didn't say it to me. he says it back when I say it (although i could swear it sounds begrudging to him), but not on his own, which never used to be an issue. It's possible that he's like my dad used to be where he just forgets to say it cuz he's so busy, but I dunno. He still looks at me like he always does, treats me like always, kisses me the same way. This is basically the only change. He had also mentioned possibly staying here (at school) over break, and basically forgot about our trip to see my sister. then when i reminded him, he said he still wanted to go, but i dunno if he actually wants to go or if he just will go because he agreed to it.

    I know I need to talk to him. But if I do, and my conclusion is right that he is losing interest, either this trip is going to be really awkward or I'll need to find a new ride home. I could also just wait until the end of the term (Friday) and see if things get back to the way they were, see if it was just stress. I dont want to go to him and seem needy or selfish, which is how i feel right now.

    I just don't want to lose him. Sorry this is so long- i tried to cut out unimportant details.
     
  2. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    I don't want to give an opinion on whether he is 'losing interest in you' ( i really don't like that phrase). He sounds like a fairly decent guy. But I'd trust your own instincts.

    You know if you want to keep him there's nothing wrong in a situation like this in being a little aggressive.You don't just have to sit around waiting for him to chuck. Flat out tell him you don't think he's fully committed, don't be afraid of having an arguement with him.Make it clear that you want him and that you're fully committed. Get emotional show that you give a shit. You can tell him you love him but well words are just words. Shout and scream but tell him you think he's shit hot and that another woman won't make him as happy as you can.

    On the other hand you're only 18 where do you see the relationship going in the long run ?.

    Anywho good luck
     
  3. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    I have to disagree with Sarah here...showing aggression to someone who has always treated you with immense kindness and vice versa seems like the worst possible choice to me. Given he treats you the same in all other areas, I'd say that maybe the issue is just stress. Could that be the case? Jeez, throw some kindness at him instead of aggression...lighten his load rather than adding to it. Wouldn't you want him to do the same thing for you? Do something relaxing and nice enough for him that he remembers/wants/whatever to say "Oh yeah, btw...did I mention that I can't say 'I love you' enough?".

    If it continues, I think you should just talk to him. You're going to have to get good at having uncomfortable conversations if you ever want to have a long-term relationship, so you might as well start practicing that now. If it continues, just ask him in a kind, unaccusing, un-needy sounding way..."Can I ask you a question? I'm not upset, just curious. You used to say blah blah blah, and you don't any more...any particular reason? Be completely honest, OK?" And remember, even if he tells you something you might not want to hear, don't punish him for being honest...if you do people learn to withhold how they really feel rather than sharing how they really feel. End result: you might get blindsided after they get sick of having to hide half their feelings. (I'd personally rather someone just be honest and upfront about everything anyway.)

    You sound very reasonable from your post...I think you'll manage just fine. I doubt it's anything more than stress, so I'd say don't read too much into it.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Sometimes, it's good to just give a man his space. He's in a position that is foreign to you, in that he is in his Senior project. It's a very important step in his future. At his point in his life, his inert motto is: FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!!

    Whether or not you two move on to another level, the kindest thing you can do for him is encourage him - not stress him out about emotional things. That will most likely drive him away. After the 'Project', you are free to find out where the two of you stand, as far as your relationship. It's important to realize that you have now stepped into the sea of adulthood - and things DO change. If you truly care for this person, you need to look beyond yourself and your immediate desires toward the long-term. A casual Spring Break trip pales in comparison to a person's college degree.

    this is just my humble opinion....

    Rose
     
  5. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    Right by 'aggression' I don't mean threaten the guy . I meant not to sit around passively waiting to be chucked. If you want the guy fight for him. If you follow bassdude's advice you may as well stock up on the ice cream and chocolate now and have your friends pencil your post breakup sob fest into their diary's.

    Show a bit of passion and let him know that he really does it for you and that he's not going to find anybody better than you.
     
  6. Dreama

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    I'd wait and see what else happens. If his senior project is due, I know he's super busy. It's probably that the stress is making him more irritable, or forgetful, or just unhappy in general. Wait till the end of the term, then see where it goes. Don't get upset, jump to conclusions, or whatever. And, really, don't be super clingy, because I've learned the hard way that if you throw yourself too hard at a guy, it'll probably drive him away. Just be understanding, loving, and do what you can to make him feel good in this stressful time. If he's still distant after the bustle is over, talk to him. Just don't yell at him, or be too aggressive. If things get too heavy at this point into your relationship, you might not have one much longer.
     
  7. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I read this and thought "Yep - the poor guy is stressed to the gills." Honestly, I think the guy is a senior and just trying like hell to graduate. I really doubt he's ALSO been planning to dump you.

    I don't think a confrontation at this point would be a good idea. Personally, if I was really trying to do a lot of things in my job or life that were stressing me out, and my parnter stomped his feet and said WHERE is this GOING!?!?!, I'd tell him to fuck off.

    Anyway, you might want to try backing off him a little bit during this time, and refocusing your attention on your own studies/friends/whatever.
     
    #7 Halogen, Mar 16, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2008
  8. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    You make it sound like she should become some sort of combination of his mother and a household pet.

    Look dreamgal if you value this relationship then fight for it.You already sound like you're fairly understanding so that can't be your problem. Maybe it's time for a change of direction Passivity and weakness are not attractive in a potential life partner. Sure he's going through a stressful time but life's full of stress if you wait for some magic relaxed period to arrive it's going to be too late. you're his girlfriend when he's under pressure he should be relying on you.

    This relationship is important to you so start taking control and not just waiting for when you're bf says it's over.
     
  9. Dreama

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    I've never been aggressive in my relationship with my husband. If I had started screaming at him, he would have told me not to let the door hit my ass. I can't imagine that it is healthy to scream at a person you love. I for one, do not respond to that type of behavior from others, so why would I expect someone else to respond? I also think that acting in this way shows them a sneak peak of the future with you. I mean, if you act like this, your b/f can only deduct that your a screaming, aggressive, maniac. This also shows that you have control issues, and that you have to be reduced to an emotional mess to get anything done. I dunno. So, if I want compassion, love and understanding, that's what I give to the special person in my life. And, I'm not suggesting that anyone should be anyone else's mother, or pet. Just a loving presence in your SO's life. You can be passionate without being maniacal.
     
  10. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    I don't want to hog the thread by constantly restating what I've said previously. but to clarify by aggressive I mean up front, forceful and clear in what she wants to happen. Dreamgal is only too willing to help and support her bf, but maybe the best way to do that isn't by gushing sentimentality at him.

    I've known women that haven't been dumped so much as sidelined by their boyfriends. It must be a horrible feeling trying to be supportive and mothering to a guy wondering when he's going to get around to dumping you.

    Anywho she's his gf she needs to be part of his life, if he doesn't want to speak up and say what he thinks is wrong with the relationship, then dreamgirl needs to put her foot down and bloody well insist. Once he sorts out what his intentions are then dreamgirl can figure out how she can help him through any rough patches he's going through.

    Incidently he's 23 and in his first relationship?
     
  11. Dreama

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    Well, I agree with you in that she should be clear and up front about what she wants, but I don't think forceful is the right avenue. You can't keep a person under your thumb, and you can't trap a person. And again, I'm not saying that you should gush sentimentality at anyone. Being loving isn't being motherly, first off, so I don't even know where you're getting that. I just don't think being 'forceful' is a good thing. I don't think he's going to dump her, first off.....He just seems to be under a lot of stress...But if he was going to dump her, why the hell would she want to be with him anyway? And if she did, despite the fact that he didn't want her, why would she be forceful? The word forceful implies that you're forcing someone to do something. Nobody should ever be forced to do anything in their relationship.
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Sarah, you may feel that way, but in my experience most women do not. If that's what works for you, great. Personally, when I'm having a hard time, the last thing I need is someone making my load heavier because my challenge isn't all about them...on the other hand, if you can find a way to lighten my load (even if it's just listening to me ramble on and on, or giving me a few words of encouragement), then that definitely endears me in a big way. I guess I just like sweet and caring women.

    BD
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Add this to the post of the week as an addendum. ;)

    BD
     
  14. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    well okay then.I think the majority view is that she should act as non threatening and passive as possible. Gush sympathy, encouragement, love, understanding, make him feel good in his time of difficulty and just generally lighten his load. At no stage appear clingy or aggressive (assertive women are such a drag ).

    You know over the last few decades with the advent of feminism sections of the media with a mysogynistic streak have concocted these myths of the bunny boiler or clingy girlfried, i.e. women who try to exercise some control over their relationships.

    I'm sorry but I think people need to cut back on daytime television. Despite what freud said most guys have got mothers and don't want replacements.This is a relationship between two adults. If I thought My boyfriend was going to dump me I'd sit back and decide do I want to stay in this relationship if the answer was yes I'd start to fight for him and not just sit back crying into my ben and jerries waiting to be chucked.

    In the past there has been screaming and shouting and throwing of various objects, that's a perfectly legitimite and efficient way of communicating that you actually give a shit.

    I'd sit back and look at myself maybe I need to change the way I interact with my bf maybe he wants something he's not getting from the relationship (like a hug).

    You know feeling the need to compete for a man can be exhilerating, you need to sell yourself and show confidence make him see that you're a catch. I wouldn't just lie around waiting for him to give me the news.

    And men like that. They like to see you passionate and aggressive and demanding to know where you can find whatever slag they've been shagging behind your back(joke). That actually really throws guys on the defensive accuse them of having an affair and the balls back in your court.

    Anywho from the sounds of it dreamgal likes this guy and wants to stick with him. She just needs to convince him that he wants to stick with her.She needs to start telling herself that she is the ultimite girlfriend and what man in his right mind could even think of leaving her. This way even if he does leave her she's not going to be stuck with what if's.

    I just don't understand how if you love a man you can just sit back and let him walk away. Anywho that's just my humble opinion
     
  15. Dreama

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    I feel like that is truly dysfunctional. I mean, if it works for you, cool...I guess.....But, I'm a product of an environment where stuff like this went on between my mom and my dad daily, and it really scared me shitless, not to mention screwed me up psychologically until I could come to terms with that as an adult. Now that I am an adult, I choose to deal with my feelings like one- not like my (then) child-like parents. I mean, I love them very much...And since then, the fighting and such has cooled down and you can tell that they love one another more than ever. But, I would never throw things or scream at my husband and expect him to respect my opinion. In fact, it perpetuates the hysterical emotional woman stereotype. I show my husband that I give a shit each and every day with my passion for our relationship and trust. And that passion need not include violence.


    I'll do one better. I'm so wonderful that I don't need to sell myself. I'm so confident in my awesomeness that I live it at all times, and accept that if my partner does not see that, they're not worth my time. Fortunately mine does, just as I see and worship his total awesomeness. I don't need to be validated, because for me, it's not an opinion, it's a fact that I'm that great. So, who cares what anyone else thinks? Might sound conceited, but I know my worth, and I don't need to depend on others to confirm my self worth.

    If you love a person, you let them exercise their own free will and let them do whatever the hell they feel like in regard to the relationship. If that means that they want to leave the relationship, so be it. If they care about you, they'll work it out. If not, there are bigger and better people and experiences to be had.

    I guess I might have a sissy veiw on how I deal with my relationship with my husband, but it works for us, and I'm happier than I've ever been because of it.
     
  16. MaxLong

    MaxLong New Member

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    Clingy is not the same as assertive.

    Being stressed out over a big project is not the same as not caring.

    Being a bitch when someone is already stressed out will cause an issue.

    Shouting at me will *not* make me love someone more.

    I agree with Dreama, Halogen, and BassDude. He's stressed, let him relax, be helpful. When his project is over, or atleast he is finished and seems to not be as caught up with it, thats when you let him know how you've felt, how it hurt that he seemed to not care while working on his project. Pushing him will not be helpful to him or to the relationship.
     
  17. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    No they are not. There's a big difference between "assertive" and "aggressive". Assertive women (or assertive people in general) are good, as long as the assertiveness is bundled with a little bit of kindness and respect rather than demanding and maniacal behavior.

    What? :eek I'll just say that I absolutely, positively disagree. You don't scream, shout, and throw things at someone you love....certainly not as a way to demonstrate that you love them....to me, it demonstrates the opposite...no respect, no consideration, and no regard for them. Abuse and violence in a relationship are absolutely aweful things. I think most women AND men would agree with that.

    You mean accuse them out of sincere suspicion, or accuse them out of a mind-game? Your mind-game simply wouldn't work on me...if I did have an affair, I'd just admit it and take my medicine...and being accused repeatedly of something I haven't done really ticks me off. I really don't see how this mind-game is supposed to be a good thing for a relationship...I honestly don't.

    Here's a big hint, darlin': A relationship only works if BOTH partners want to be in it.

    Instead of chasing after someone who's already leaving, what you should be doing is working on KEEPING the one you're with while you still have them. Can ya dig it?

    BD
     
  18. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    :bow:bow:bow:bow YOU FRIGGIN' GO GIRL! I can tell that is true by only knowing you from this forum, too. :D (And btw, I feel pretty much the same way about myself. I've got a few warts, but I know what they are and how to compensate for them...the vast majority is quite good though. :toast) I think this is SUCH a healthy attitude.


    I could not have said this better. :bow:bow:bow:bow A relationship is VOLUNTARY for both parties.

    Btw, Dreamgal...I hope somewhere in this you got the answers you needed! ;)

    BD
     
  19. bsxy420

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    I wouldnt worry about loosing him. hes probable just stress over this project and things will get back to normal soon enough. try not to sweat the small stuff. i use to and that ended up in many arguments and yes some yelling occured. ( we were a little younger then) you are in a relationship to make the other person happy, and if he needs a little time that he needs to keep on his studies then thats what he needs. be supportive, and when his final is over talk to him then.
     
  20. dreamgal042

    dreamgal042 New Member

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    okay so theres basically two opinions from this gang: talk to him, and dont talk to him.

    those seem like my two options, after hours of careful thinking.

    also due to these hours, i realized that my concern may not be that im losing him, but that I can't tell whether his change in behavior towards me is due to the fact that he's been really busy or due to the fact that theres an elephant in our relationship. do you think it would be worth it to talk to him about this? he may not realize that his amount of schoolwork is making me feel forgotten or uncared for. for the first 14 years of my life, my dad was always too busy to tell us that he loved us. he just assumed that we knew. it may just be something like that- an "i assume you know how i feel so i dont need to say it" kind of thing.