Looking for womans opinions...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mkal, Apr 5, 2012.

  1. mkal

    mkal New Member

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    I've noticed that most of the people here are on the younger side of their sexuality and their sex lives, but I know that some of you are,... shall we say,.. more life experienced? I was hoping for some opinions, preferably of the female persuasion, from some that may not be so young as to not fathom life’s middle years, and what they can entail.

    I’ve written the following for my wife; I believe it to be relatively self explanatory, so there’s no need for me to set it up; (I only hope that she never learns that I’ve shared this with anyone; that could prove to be most awkward). In any case, Ladies, I was hoping to get some feedback as to how you think I’ve done here, in terms of being both delicate, and yet clear. I thank you, in advance, for your honesty and consideration.

    Ok, here goes…

    Hello, sweetheart, I felt that I wanted to talk to you about some things and, well, while I know that we’ve always been able to openly talk, about pretty much anything, sometimes I still worry about upsetting you, or hurting your feelings. I can practice or rehearse how I want a conversation to go over and over in my head, but if I’m nervous…, well it could come out wrong, or my timing won’t be right, or I’ll offer my thoughts jumbled, and out of sequence. I don’t want to confuse things or hurt you in any way. Obviously, this is the farthest thing from my intention, and so that a conversation doesn’t get away from me, I thought that this may be one instance where I would make use of my gift of writing and get my thoughts to you, and in order. Now don’t worry, or get upset, this is nothing to worry or fret about, we’re fine. As a matter of fact, let me set this straight right now, from the beginning, and remind you that I love you most dearly. More and more with every passing moment, with every look into your eyes, and with every touch of your hand.

    I suppose you are probably aware of what this is about at this point, but just to clarify, yes it’s a bout sex. Or more specifically, our sex life. This is not intended as a complaint or a bitching session. Rather, just a method of getting my feelings known to you fully and completely, so that we can then have a proper constructive conversation. We take great pride in the fact that we’ve never had an argument, and I don’t wish to start one now. So please bear with me, let me express myself to you, the best way I know how, and then we’ll talk..

    I understand that you have little to no sex drive, and I’m not saying that it’s your fault. I suppose that it’s just a fact of life. I’m very thankful that menopause has been very kind to you in every other way. And I’m certain that the pressures of life such as work, family responsibilities, bills, mortgages, and so on also play a factor. We’ve been together for a long time, not long enough yet by far, but we’re going on what, nearly twenty years now? And we weren’t exactly kids when we first got together either. In any case, the ‘new’ part of it is gone I suppose, and age isn’t helping either of us as well. I mean, all things considered, in terms of age, we’re doing ok generally. But, speaking for myself here, I’m older and not nearly in the greatest shape of my life, to say the least. Maybe this is all just a rut that we need to get through. Maybe you just don’t see me ‘that way’ anymore.

    Now I really dislike the old ‘I’m a man and a man has needs’ kind of talk, it really puts a bad taste in my mouth to even think it. It just seems such a cheap thing to say. Yet there is some truth to the statement I suppose. I’ve never even remotely been a macho kind of guy, you know that, but if the truth be told, whether I like it or not, it is the way I’m hard-wired. So yes, I get horny, sorry, I know it can seem crude, but there it is. I can get horny, frustrated, and irritable.

    But make no mistakes about this, I want you, I need you, I desire you, I love you. Ok, sure, getting myself off now and again can take the edge off, but it doesn’t quite satiate. I love you darling, with every fiber of my being, with my heart, my mind, my soul, and yes, my body. I love looking at you, and seeing you, now I’m not just talking about sexually, although there is that too, but I’m talking about the light in your eyes, your beautiful hair, and the promising curves of your body. I love talking with you, those deep conversations that we sometimes share, about our families, politics, religion, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a wonder to me how your mind works, every bit a match for mine, and if truth be told, more. And your laugh, my God, your laugh; all is right in the world when you laugh, there is no sun that can shine brighter or birds that can sing more beautifully for me when I hear your laugh. I practically live for those moments when I’m the one to bring such laughter from you. My heart feels as if it will nearly burst with pride and love. The touch of your hand in mine, is golden warmth, like warmed velvet, I lack the words to properly describe it. On those rare quiet occasions when we can just sit together, or go for a long walk together, your hand in mine is just,… well,… right.

    I desire you, I want you, I want to make love to you. I wish to express my love for you in this deepest and most intimate of ways. Whether it’s deeply emotional, some kind of a game, or a fun slap and tickle kind of romp. I need you.

    The real issue here though, and no musical pun here intended, but I want you to want me, I need you to need to need me, and I desire you to desire me. I know it may sound silly, but this is a big part of it for me now. I love you, and I truly feel everything that that means, I honestly hope that I’ve made that known, both in our day to day lives, and in this writing as well. I know that you feel the same way towards me; it’s evident in everything that you do. So again I say that there is nothing for you to worry about in that regard, we’re fine, we’re good, and yes, we are great. That having been said, and I truthfully feel like a complete heel for saying so, but I don’t feel special. This is probably the most difficult thing to put into words, but you make me feel special every time we’re together, or even when you give me a quick call during the work day. Looking into your eyes, the touch of your hand to mine, the smile on your face, and the sound of your laugh. These are all the greatest things that any man could want, and clearly more than a man like me can truly deserve. Yet, I still need to be desired.

    I’ve missed that part of our relationship. Immensely. I don’t ask this question callously, or lightly: Are you aware of how long it’s been since we’ve made love? I miss talking about sex with you, I miss sharing fantasies, or ideas, or interests with each other. Now I know that this type of ‘talk’ was never something that you seemed overly comfortable with or eagerly enjoyed as much as I, but we did share it, albeit cautiously. But now it seems to be completely and utterly taboo. Yet again, the talk is not nearly as important as the act, and that pales in compression to the actual desire.

    Perhaps this is the way things go, and if it is, then let’s discuss it, put this behind us, and enjoy the rest of our lives together. Because even if things don’t change, I’m the luckiest guy in the world to be blessed with a woman like you in my life, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

    In the end, maybe I’m all talk here, maybe at my age I just won’t be able to deliver what my heart and body wants. Perhaps I still have that thirty year old’s mind and lust, but the body of a half of a century old man that won’t be able to deliver as I dream it can.
     
  2. cbrmale

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    As a writer I thnk it's too wordy and needs to be edited down to the salient points. You also seem to be begging.

    I'm older than you and I am guessing my wife is as old as or older than your wife too. The thing that worked for us was that, even though my wife may not always had the sheer physical desire to have sex, especially when our children were younger and she wasn't getting a full night's sleep, she did have sex with me. She did that because she loved me and she wanted to share something special with me. I'm not actually certain when those times may have happened because she never showed any signs of sex for obligation. So the point from my marriage is that if a wife loves you, she will be pleased to have sex with you.

    You mentioned in your letter you're not in the greatest shape. I have noticed that many men my age, and many younger men too, look disgusting. If I was a woman and my husband looked repulsive to me, I wouldn't be falling over myself to get naked with him. If my wife looked repulsive to me I wouldn't be falling over myself either. Men do have to realise that while women are the more attractive of the two genders, women do appreciate a man in good shape. They admire the strength of men, and do admire well defined muscles as long as it's not overdone. I don't stay in shape only because of sex, but I do stay in shape and am a similar build and weight to my mid-twenties. Maybe to get sex you need to display some sex appeal (I know my wife is literally turned-on by me, which is quite different to being turned-off).

    I doubt if an edited and slimmed-down version of your letter will achieve anything at all. I feel there are deeper issues involved and you will need to talk with your wife to discover what they are. Obvious ones are that she may not like you as a person anymore, she may not like your physical appearance, or she may be having an affair with another men (almost half of wives do). She may have a physical problem which causes pain during sex or something along those lines. But generally speaking, if she does like you then I think she will still be having sex with you. Sex is a good barometer for the health of a relationship. You're trying to treat a symptom without looking at the cause.

    If you discover what her problem is, and if you've been married for 20 years you should know, but many men aren't good lovers and they don't really know and understand women, then maybe you can work on fixing that problem. Nothing isn't so broken that it can't be fixed, but generally when one has a sexless marriage then it's probably a sign that it's over, and that will bring you to a point where you may need to make some decisions. One is to have an affair becaus you are too young not to be enjoying sex. Another is to divorce and look for someone new. The third, of course, is to continue as things are and live a sexless life.

    Scrap the letter and talk to your wife about the health of your marriage instead.
     
  3. 12barblues

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    i am not a woman....but i think that you have done that as well as it could possibly be done.....
    i know nothing of what a woman goes thru in that stage of her life and i wont pretend to understand what its like to go thru menopause..but if i were in her shoes i would appreciate your honesty and candor....and i believe she will too.
     
  4. Heteasesme

    Heteasesme New Member

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    From the writer's standpoint.. Less restating the same point in different words.. Be clear and concise and it will become more meaningful with more specific life memories from your perspective plugged into it.. For the first couple minutes I was trying to figure out if this was a dear Jane letter so for that I would say to stick with the rules of writing your basic persuasion letter.. So be clear from the start.. I think how people write says a lot about their personality and to that end I would say regain control of things and be clear about your expectations and what it means to you and her.. It seems you have come to a pinnacle in your relationship, or perhaps even a breaking point to the extent that it is truly affecting your happiness.. If this is so then you need to remove the sugar coating and call it out for what it is.. Seek marriage counseling.. If your happiness is as important to her as hers is to you then she will be receptive.. If not then Houston we do have a problem... If you must write then write.. But dammit make her sit down and talk about everything.. Write your notes of what you want to accomplish and ensure you hit every point.. Make it a speech/presentation instead of a letter. I wish you the best!!!
     
  5. clitter

    clitter New Member

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    I am a middle aged woman who has been married for 20 years. Your letter is way too long. I skipped to the meat of the letter then stopped reading altogether. Personally I would not care to get such a letter and I can assure you my husband probably felt the way you do at certain times in our marriage. Remember that sex is a two way street. Even though my husband is awesome in every way, his romance skills are not the best. For us women, foreplay is something more than what you do in the bedroom before sex. Try to take some of the stress off her plate, romance and seduce her. Treat her like you did in the beginning of your relationship and I bet you'll see more action in the bedroom. IMHO the letter will only makes things worse.
     
  6. 12barblues

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    im thinking their situation goes well beyond the usual "man needs sex , woman doesnt " scenario. i took it that they once had a good sexual relationship but now that she has gone thru menopause, things have changed for her. i read it to also mean that they have a wonderful relationship in all other ways....
    they have 20 years behind them, communicating fantastically the whole time...so im assuming he knows "how" to communicate with her. i think what he is asking is our input on their situation together...(her going thru the change..) I think he wants a womans input on how he should communicate his feelings about his sexuality and her newfound lack of sexuality...or if he should just accept that they are in this place together now, and not say anything to her at all. i dont think he was looking for us to critique his writing skills but rather answer if he should communicate his feelings .....or just accept that this is where they are in life.

    forgive me mr OP if im wrong...
     
  7. cbrmale

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    12barblues,
    I think you overstate the romantic abilities of the average male. Twenty years of marriage doesn't mean anything on its own. If it did then I wouldn't be having so much sex with middle-aged women who have been married that long and longer! And why do they pick me? I'm a hopeless romantic.

    This is why I was brutal in my posting because his wife may well be one of the women I'm having sex with, because she wants to be adored by a man who understands women. Obviously she's not because we live in different countries. But she might be the type.

    Many men are fairly hopeless when it comes to women, and then there comes a time in life when children are grown and it's just two together and she thinks 'am I going to put up with this for the rest of my life?'. I have my needs, wants and desires; which aren't understood let alone met!
     
  8. 12barblues

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    i do agree with ya cbr ,...my own ex wife had an affair about 17 years into our relationship and i know the odds are very great....almost 80% i believe, of all couples will experience infidelity of some sort... But for some reason i didnt feel that was the issue with this couple....although i have no idea why i feel that way...maybe im being optimistic for once...lol.
     
  9. AHappyWife

    AHappyWife New Member

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    Why not sit your wife down and talk to her. To me, a letter like this is impersonal and shows a lack of courage to speak your mind and share your inner self with your life partner. You can do it.
     
  10. mkal

    mkal New Member

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    Cbrmale – as an amateur writer, it was good to receive, if an albeit modest, critique (I understand, after all, this was not the point, but never the less appreciated) from a proper writer. Your points regarding the issue have not gone un-heard, believe me, these were all issues that I’ve also considered, but yet again, good, although uncomfortable, to hear from someone impartial. I’m fairly confidant about the overall health of our general relationship and marriage and quite comfortable that this is not a symptom of some bigger issue. That having been said however, while I am most definitely am not considered repulsive, I am an honest man, even with myself, and I have taken a good hard look at myself fully naked in the mirror. :eek Yeah, there’s definitely plenty of room for improvement. I mean, sure I could be in worse shape, by far, but I sure could use a tune-up. :ugh Rest assured, I’m definitely going to be making an effort in that department.

    12barblues – thank you for your thoughts as well, candor I’ve always had in aces (and that’s not always a good thing, believe me :eyes ), but honesty is always something that we’ve both always strongly believed in. Your second post/reply, by the way, was spot on to my intentions here, as well as to the state of our relationship. :phat

    Heteasesme – Yes. Very good point here. I was trying to avoid that in this case though, as I was afraid to come off as cold. I’ve done this before; making notes and making it more of a presentation. It had nothing to do with my wife, but it was something also deeply personal and difficult to handle. However when I’ve used this approach in the past, it was very well received and quite successful. :)

    Clitter – Your “humble” opinion is exactly what I asked for. I’ve always been considered a pretty romantic guy, but I’m certain that I could definitely use a tune-up in that department as well! I’m sure that I’ve gotten too complacent. :eyes

    AHappyWife – perfectly and simply put; sometimes this is what we need to hear, like it or not. :D

    All in all, you’ve given me some sound advice and encouragement. You all have my thanks. This is not my first run through at marriage, and neither is it for my wife, so we’ve learned from our past those things that work for us and our relationship, and those things that don’t. We’ve always been brutally honest with each other, both for good and for bad. You can rest assured that infidelity has never been, nor will it ever, be an issue in our marriage. :mad Yet your points are taken, and while infidelity itself can’t be an issue, it doesn’t mean that some of it’s root causes aren’t. While I was hoping to receive some more feedback from our ladies of the group, I want to thank each of you for your carefully considered and honest words. This is exactly what I needed to receive from you, and for that you have my most sincere thanks. I had thought that I would use the letter as a way to start our much needed heart to heart, but with your guidance, I’m going to ditch the whole concept of the letter, ‘balls-up’, and just talk to my wife. :cool
     
  11. 12barblues

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    i hope it all works out for ya...in my opinion, a letter doesnt mean "impersonal"...it means you cared enought to want to think it thru..and make sure that you didnt say anything "wrong" or have anything come out wrong...but i think you explain the letter, then hand it to her and then discuss it when she's done reading.....dont just give it to her and walk away or not talk about it after she's read it...that would be impersonal...
    i wouldnt want to walk into the house and find a letter like that on the table. but i wouldnt mind if she handed it to me, let me read it , then talked with me about it...you know?
     
  12. RideNaked2

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    After reading all the comments and the response of the OP...I have to agree with 12BB here. There are times when I have to write a letter to RideNaked mostly so that I can get all my thoughts together and not leave anything out that I really want to talk to him about. I don't think that a letter is impersonal at all. I also believe that it shows that you really want to discuss the entire issues instead of maybe miss an important point (especially if you have done this before in your marriage)

    I also hope your "talk" goes well. Maybe, OP, if your wife hasn't visited her GP that might be of need? It never hurts to talk to ones doctor about such things.

    Good luck!
     
  13. China

    China New Member

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    Experience does not necessary just come with older age, but what you have already done.

    you can be young and experienced alot, you can be old and experienced little.