Looking for opinions on my current situation. - very long story

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Jayce, Jul 13, 2006.

  1. Jayce

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    I don't even know if I really need opinions but it's on my mind and a few comments would probably help me clear up some of the question marks floating around in my brain.

    And the long story begins...

    To get to the point, my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. She is entering her second year at college (she lives there) and I am entering my third year of college (but first at this new school, and commuting). Last year we had some tough times, and the more I think about it the more I realize it was most certainly all my fault. The first month was great. We got along great, things went so smoothly. But... after that I would show up to her college at random times and expect her to hang out with me when she expected to use that time to cram last minute for a quiz. That would upset her. She preferred no surprises, and letting the excitement build up till the day we had planned to set aside to go to dinner or something. But on more than one occasion I showed up to surprise her only to find out she wasn't surprised, but in fact disgusted. But that's fine, I realize my mistakes and I don't plan on doing that again this year.

    The past 2 weeks our relationship has gotten closer and closer, and yet we've been seeing less of each other than normal. Due to our work schedules, heavy ours, her night classes, and a bunch of other things our schedules haven't been allowing us to see each other every day, and in some cases not even every other day. I haven't seen her for 3 days now, yet our relationship has been much better. Tonight she called me to talk to me for a bit and she brought this up, saying our relationship has been much better in the past 2 weeks and it's because we've both been very patient with each other and haven't seen each other too much to make us go at each other's throats.

    So anyway, I acknowledge that. And she said she's going to need emotional space when she goes to college because she knows her first semester will downright kick her ass, and I'm well aware of this. I think she was telling me that to make it apparent that surprises don't work well when she's busy busy busy. She said if things get hectic again like they did last year (when our relationship wasn't going too well), then maybe we'd need to take a break. I understand that and I stand behind it, because with the way we would be at each other's necks last year, I don't want to do that again. Anyway this year I have every intention of doing everything in my power to keep our relationship strong, which more than likely means me to stop worrying about stupid shit, concentrate on MY school work, and let her fully concentrate on her's.

    I think if we can do that, our relationship will be just fine and no break will be needed (as she said as well). The thing I'm a little weery of is, she told me she wants to be herself. She doesn't want to have to worry about calling me at the end of each night to tell me she's home and she's in for the night. That's fine, since I don't really call her to tell her I'm in for the night. But she told me she wants to just be herself and not have to worry about anything. I'm unsure of what to think by this... I told her I really have no quarrel with anything she does, because I know she'll be faithful to me, so I'm not worried about that a bit. But I mentioned to her the only thing important to me is that she watch what she drinks. I don't want her to get a little too crazy some night and drink a bit too much. She told me she understands, but she is an adult and fully capable of taking care of herself and accepting the consequences of her actions.

    She didn't drink TOO much last year, most of the time it was just casual, 1 or 2, play some cards study some notes and go back to her own place. But a few times she told me she had to be walked back to her dorm room with a friend... but she also told me she didn't like feeling like that. She said she didn't like feeling like she wasn't even capable to walk on her own. However she did enjoy just kicking back with 1 or 2, maybe even 3 or 4 if she was going to be there for a long time and play some cards and enjoy the company of some friends. That I had no quarrel with, but I didn't like the few times she came stumbling back to her dorm room either.

    She doesn't like talking about this too much being we're in the middle of summer now. She says college is college, summer is a time to forget about college, so let's worry more about our vacation in 2 weeks and work everyday instead of what to expect at college a month and a half from now. Buuuuut I can't help it. What should I think? Should I be afraid of her drinking too much? Is that what she meant by accepting the consequences of her actions? Or was she just trying to make it clear to me that she is an adult, she is responsible, and she is fully capable of controlling herself and the amount she drinks?

    I'm just trying to sort through the gray area as much as possible while trying to avoid bringing it up with her. Although, I may bring it up again with her tomorrow when I see her to try and level this out a bit. But until then, what do you think? Sorry for the length of the post but sometimes I feel a few extra words paint a clearer picture.
     
  2. Miki

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    Jayce,
    I don't mean to sound cruel and insensitive but this awkwardness and ignoring the problem is not getting anyone anywhere but somewhere bad. You should be very open about your feelings. I may not be experienced but a relationship has to be two-sided, right? You can't just pussyfoot around and then expect things to get better. If you voice your feelings with actions AND words and she hates you and you end up breaking up, you should know that there are plenty of others that deserve your love and affection. If her drinking has some impact on the relationship and you can't trust her to control it when you're not around then there IS a problem. You can't take the considerate boyfriend role too much out of hand, can you? I mean, if you're as confident in this relationship as you sound and you're together for this long under your working circumstances then your feelings shouldn't be a problem if you tell her about this. If she is too like... ignorant to listen to reason and your feelings, then I honestly believe this is bull and you shouldn't put up with it. I'm sorry if I sounded... dumb which I usually do, I'm an idiot :( I hope I helped somehow...
     
  3. Jayce

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    Well, that's the thing. I didn't like the way she drank her first year, and she admitted she didn't either but still enjoys 1 or 2 drinks and a game of cards and/or studying with some friends. That's fine, cause I do that too.

    She told me she isn't going to be drinking this year like she did last year. This year is going to be in the area of 3x harder for her, so I think she's mentally excusing ALL fun and games and concentrating entirely on her schoolwork, and like I said enjoy some time with friends now and then.

    First year, yeah. I hated her drinking, and she knew it. Second year, she still knows it, but says it's going to simmer down to the point where she's just casually having 1 or 2 with some friends as I mentioned above.

    It's not really a matter of trust in this situation, it's more of a matter of whether or not I'm taking her words and assuming one thing when she meant the other...
     
  4. Miki

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    Jayce,
    I don't get the concepts of love and trying to comprehend mixed or no signals... These twisted emotions that are passing are like... OIL and He5Ne5 [that's a soluble liquid that can mix with anything]. If you CAN'T take her words then you have to establish SOME kind of solution where you can understand her. As for assumption... that gets the best of most people in any case. I assume Ken's out fucking someone to make me jealous and be an asshole, but in reality all he does is be a naughty flirt with me and continue to be the asshole I love...
    Establish some... mutality in this relationship. Maybe if you both cut a little time out of your schedules, correction, cut a little MORE time out of your busy schedules, then this could be solved with some discussion and pure sensitivity on both of your parts.
    But we must consider I am a loser who still has never gotten laid... :(
     
  5. Jayce

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    Yeah, I'll just talk to her about it tomorrow. The more I think about it, the less of a big deal I think it really is. 98% of the time when I don't understand something, or something she says gets me worked up, when I approach her about it she just kind of looks at me stunned and will go "Hunnie, that's the exact opposite of what I meant." So maybe it's just my mind trying to ask questions for no reason, as it does quite a lot.



    And what's this talk about being a loser and a virgin? I'm 20 years old, and been dating my girlfriend for 4 and a half years. Despite the fact we messed around (everything but actual intercourse) for 4 of those years, we never did have intercourse until a few months ago. And to be honest, I don't even think we're going to continue with intercourse. With the colleges we go to, our futures, our jobs, etc, it's just too much to risk, even with some birth control and a condom. I think we'll just downgrade to what we used to do. Pure foreplay SURE can be fun!! :brow
     
  6. Miki

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    Go for it! :)