Looking for Feedback

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by NewHere, Oct 1, 2010.

  1. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    Hi guys. I am new here, as my name states =P. I joined because I came across this site last night. I love how nonjudgmental people are here. I have a few questions and would like some feedback also. Let me give a little background info..

    Me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years now. I am 30 and he is 31. We have a great relationship all around. He started a new job about 3 months ago. It really drains him mentally. By the time he gets home he is wiped out. He works from 3-midnight. I work at a bank and can be scheduled anywhere from 8am to 8pm. Our schedules are a bit out of sync. Up until he started this new job we would have sex almost if not everyday. We are a very open minded couple. Watch porn together, have a treasure trove of toys and will both try anything to make the other happy. Since he started this job though we have trailed off on our sex life to once every 2 or 3 days. I know for some couples that is still great, but I like it more. This is by no means a deal breaker for me just a bit frustrating.

    None of this really bothered me though until I saw he was downloading something on his pc one morning and it turned out to be porn. I asked him what it was just to see what he would say and he lied about it. I called him out on it and he said he was embarrassed and admitted it was porn. A few days later I woke up early and walked in on him masturbating. His reaction was like catching a kid with his hand in the cookie jar. He jumped and closed the porn so I couldn't see what he was watching and got sheepish. He said he didn't want to wake me cuz I was tired. After he left for work I peeked at his history, I know I shouldn't have, and saw he had a bunch of bookmarks of porn sites and had been going to them for a long time. The whole time we have been together actually.

    Like I said, we watch porn together, so it didn't bother me that he was watching it, just that he hid it from me and lied about it. That really hurt. It really made me doubt myself. Like maybe I wasn't enough for him or pretty enough. I am honestly still trying to deal with some of the self esteem issues this has given me. Of course I got upset and was crying about it. Now that I think back on it now, that is prolly why he hid it from me to begin with. To avoid that whole episode. My first question is to the guys. Why not man up about it? And if he is too tired for sex, why is he masturbating?

    After a few discussions, I have finally gotten him to open up about what type of porn he is into and what he watches without me. It turns out it is actually more mild than what I like to watch without him. :p I have since then bought a few outfits that were like the ones in the videos he likes and he seems to really get into it. He says he doesn't really watch porn anymore without me and a lot of the bookmarks were old ones. I don't check his pc to see if he is telling the truth because I am choosing to believe him. If we can;t trust each other then we have no reason to be together. And trust was never an issue before this.

    He always encourages me to have fun and watch anything I want porn wise and masturbate anytime. I guess for me I just would rather have my man everyday again than masturbate. :( I still feel like I am doing something wrong that he has to look at porn and masturbate even though I am more than willing to have sex anytime. Why can't he wait for me to get home? He can't really have sex more than once a day even when were having it all the time. I guess I wonder if he says he is too tired if it is because of work, or because he already took care of himself earlier?

    I know for a fact he isn't cheating and is still very attracted to me. That isn't even a concern for me. I am even trying to let him know I am ok with the masturbating and he doesn't need to feel embarrassed or hide anything from me. This job is just for a year or so. Should I just deal with less sex for now? What else can I do? Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this book.
     
  2. Meee

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    A job that drains him mentally so much that it's affecting your sex life? And it's just a temporary job anyway? That job has a high cost. And it could end up even higher--a temporary job that costs him and you a potentially permanent relationship. Not worth it, I'm thinking.

    In the meantime, I have a suggestion: Try to have him masturbate with you. That can be very sexy. It might help redirect him back to you.

    Masturbating is easier than sex with another person--all that communicating and "performing" and so on. When he's drained, he might not have enough energy for relating, but just wants to unwind with something easier. You might be able to compromise with some relaxing sex, like masturbation with each other, or having him lie back for a nice hand job, or something like that. Make "dates" for each weekend too.

    Hope that helps!
     
  3. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    I agree about the job being more than it's worth. But we have a plan to pay our debt off within the next year and this job is the key to it. After that we can go back to normal.

    He came home the other night pretty tired and I wasn't having it. I told him he could do whatever then but I was going to get off. I went to the bedroom and had a little fun with some toys. he soon followed. It started by him just watching and turned into a night of fun. =P
     
  4. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    From a guy's perspective, he may have been made to feel really guilty about the porn by someone in a previous relationship. I know I did. So he may find it difficult to believe that it really is OK with you. I know it sounds silly, but that could be playing a role.

    Also, yes as Meee said, masturbating is "an easy off" for most of us. If he's really tired, that could be why he's doing it as well.

    One last thing----some women seem to think that there's some deep-rooted thing with guys and porn. In some cases though, y'all have to remember that us guys need a hard on, to be able to cum. It doesn't have to be the Rock of Gibraltar, lol, but we have to have "something" going in order to do the deed. A woman on the other hand, can just bust one out whenever the mood hits em. What I'm saying is, the porn may just be supplying the visual that he needs to get hard or stay hard.

    Again I don't know if any of these suggestions are what's going on or not. Just throwing my two cents in......
     
  5. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

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    This was really well-written, and I'm not very experienced with relationships but I'll just say what I think.

    It sounds to me like him downloading porn was something he did for awhile, but maybe a bit more when you guys had sex less frequently. I think it's normal for a lot of guys to be embarrased about masturbating when it comes to their significant other knowing about it or seeing them do it. I think you should (and it sounds like you already have) forgive him for lying about the porn. I don't think he was lying out of direspect for you or himself but rather embarrasment. It sounds like in the end this might have helped you guys a lot. You guys coming forth with what genres of porn you like to watch alone seems to have opened up new doors for your sex life, which is good. I would just say the same way you don't let little things ruin a friendship, don't let these little things ruin this relationship.
     
  6. too_thick

    too_thick Member

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    The excitement of getting caught is something I like.
     
  7. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    These day guys who might look at porn on occasion (similar to social drinking) are put in the same category as porn addicts, so there can be the fear, even if your mate looks also looks at porn, of feeling like being treated like that.

    Also, some guys, when they just want to "get their rocks off", so to speak, do not want to bother their partners, At a certain level it feels like they are using their partner. Your guy might feel like this - I know I felt like this about my wife, and she did a lot to show me how she welcomed that type of attention and did not feel that I was using her.

    It is good that you "dress up" for him from the videos - that is actually what I remember most about the porn I view - not the women, but the outfits they wear, and my wife loves for me to get similar outfits - and she goes the extra mile in wanting me to make pictures/video of her "performance" in the outfits, which by far and away makes the porn look tepid and boring in contrast.
     
  8. HardRocker

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  9. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    Hard Rocker, thank you for the link. It was really insightful. When I first found out he was watching porn and masturbating without me, like I said, I was upset because I wanted to be having sex more and I felt a bit cheated out of it. It has taken me awhile and a lot of forum reading to realize that it really wasn't because I was doing something wrong. I am still taking more efforts than usual, (which is hard to do!) to make sure he knows he can ALWAYS come to me, and to keep it exciting and incorporate what interests him. I love hearing about what gets him off and I hope he continues to tell me what he wants and likes.

    Young Gun, I want to thank you for your comment. After I saw what you said, it really made me think, "Wow he is right! I now know more about my man than I did before'" And that is always a good thing. =D He does tend to be the shy sort. We have talked a bit more about everything now that I am no longer a spaz about it =p He actually told me he has stopped masturbating and watching the porn without me lately because he would rather do it with me. He says it is a lot more fun and fulfilling that way. I told him I don't want him to feel like he can't pleasure himself just because I am not there, but he wants to share it with me now especially since we aren't having sex as often as we used to.

    Part of me wonders if it's true, but I am not going to stress it too much. It's his body and as long as he is taking care of mine on a regular basis I can't blame him for wanting to touch his. Especially when the main issue was me wanting to touch his body more =p
     
  10. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

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    I'm glad you liked my post. :) I guess it just all goes back to that thread that HardRocker linked you to. I hope you guys continue to know each other better.
     
  11. HardRocker

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    You can learn all kinds of useful things here.:)