Looking for advice

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Stoney, Aug 2, 2008.

  1. Stoney

    Stoney New Member

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    Hey everyone, I am new to your board, and I have a problem that I was hopeing maybe some of you could give me advise on, or tell me your opinions. However before I tell you my problem I am going to paste some info that I put in my introduction . Just to help some of you that may not have seen my introduction get a better clear picture of the whole situation.

    Nice to meet ya'll. A little info about me. I am an older geezer . I grew up in a pretty straight laced & strict house hold, and the subject of sex was taboo. On top of that (while I ran around in school with some of the more popular guys in school) I was always more the quiet shy type of personality (especially around girls). I never dated during jr high or high school. I wasn't with a woman sexually untell I joined the armed services , and went over seas. I am currently married (have been for 31 yrs) . I have 3 grown children, and my wife is the love of my life. However my childhood, and the fact I have always been rather shy, and didn't have a great deal of self confidence. Has had an effect on my life (sexually) that I will discuss, and ask for advice in future post on.


    Ok here is my problem. like I said in my intro I am married, and I have 3 grown children . My wife, and I have been together for 31 years . I love my wife with all my heart. She is a wonderful, great, careing, loveing, individual. She is a great mother, grand mother, and lifes partner. I couldn't begin to imageine life with out her. There is one thing however. Mywife (God love her) always has been pretty much a sexual prude. I know your probably thinking good gosh you have three children. How could you say she is a sexual prude. Well let me say for all but our first child that prior to each of my other two childrens conception that sexual relations with my wife was very hard to come by. She just never has really enjoyed sexual relations, and we tried all sorts of different things to spice it up, and maybe make it more enjoyable for her. I first thought that maybe it was me, and something I was doing or not doing. However we did talk about that (even though even getting my wife to talk about sex, and sexual relations is like pulling teeth) . My wife has assured me that it wasn't me, but that she just never (with any previous boyfriends, and even a (prior to me finance) ever enjoyed sexual relations, and even found it to be somewhat painful for her. After she told me the painful part I quickly came up with the idea that maybe she needed to see a doctor to be checked out as to why sexual relations might possibly be painful to her. Well it took me a long time to convince her to go to see the doctor about this, but she finally did. The doctor could find nothing that should make sexual relations painful for her. Then seven or eight years ago my wife had a hysterotomy. Since that time sexual relations with my wife has virtually been non existant. I just got tired of practically begging for sex. I just said to heck with it, and just started back up with masterbation for sexual satisfaction. Now I say "started back up" let me explain. Even though I came from the childhood I did " a very strict, and straight laced" childhood where even the discushion of sex was taboo. Also even though I was always a very shy boy (around girls), and not very much self confidence. That didn't very seldom even speak to girls let alone go on dates with them untell I reached the service. I always felt I had a higher sexual drive than a lot of boys my age. I would often fantasize, and eventually masterbate while thinking about certain girls. I did this all the way through high school. Then when I joined the service, and while I was over seas. My urge to masterbate just kind of went away. This trent (of no masterbation) continued through my early years after the service, and as I started dateing. this continued clear up untell the time my wife, and I married. Then slowly (with my wife feeling the way she does about sexual relations). The urges to masterbate started to come back. My problem is that after my wife had her hysterotomy, and our sexual relations has stopped. My urges for masterbation has gotten stronger, and much more frequent. It is to a point now where almost any day of the week. If I see a woman, and she looks desireable to me sexually no matter if it is at work, in shopping malls, in the community where I live. I have to fantasize, and masterbate in regards to this woman. I go onto the internet, and watch, and masterbate to way to much porn. It just seems to get worse, and worse. My REALLY BIG concern is that someday I will get to the point where just fantasization, and masterbation isn't enough, and I will try to act out these fantasies in some way.

    Please help. What can I do to get this under control? Please don't suggest that I leave my wife (that's just not going to happen. I love my wife, and like I said she is a great partner in all other aspects of our marriage, and sex isn't everything in a marriage). Also I will say I have already thoguht about seeing a physiologist in regards to this problem, but after checking my insurance plan found that it would pay for little to no part of this kind of treatment, and I can't afford the cost out of pocket that it would entale. also I will say that after I have done this (fantasized about another woman) I always have this exstream guilt feeling of cheating in some way on my wife. Also guilt feeling in regards to (even though I know she has no way of knowing that I am doing it) the woman I fantasize about, and the feeling of being so disrespectful of her in thinking of her in this manner.

    Thanks for listening. I have never told any one about any of this. I guess I just felt more comfortable telling you all because it just feels so impersonal. Almost like I am just typeing this info to myself.

    God Bless You and Yours

    Stoney
     
  2. Dreama

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    I just need to say this first: masturbation and fantasies are just that! You should NEVER feel guilt for masturbating or fantasizing. That's you time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Fuck your childhood guilt. Stop hating yourself for this! There is nothing wrong with viewing porn. I view porn regularly, and my life is quite fulfilling, especially with my husband.( and yeah, he knows about it, he does it too) :) But, there is not a darn thing wrong with taking care of business yourself, because sexuality isn't just a desire, it's a basic human NEED. So be happy with yourself, alright?

    Second, I know you're probably thinking this is crazy, but have you ever thought about maybe using some toys? Have you ever tried to satisfy your wife orally, or has she ever let you? What about writing her love letters? Or making her feel more into you by making her feel special? I don't know the full situation, but I wish you the best of luck. I hope that helped some. :)
     
  3. Stoney

    Stoney New Member

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    Dreama

    Thank you, for what you said about the masterbation, and fantasies. It really does help to hear someone else explain it, and the fact that it isn't me just trying to justifye it to myself.

    Second, I don't think she would go for toys at all. I have tried to satisfye her orally yes, but she would never let me completly satisfye her that way. Which only got me more frustrated. I haven't tried writing her love letters in some time. I might give that some future thought, but I do try to let her know that she is special, and feel special. However I could probably work on that more so as well. Thanks again
     
  4. Dreama

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    You're welcome. I know it's got to be a hard situation, and that it is just going to take work. Your partner is probably very set in her ways. Try things she might go for, and work on from there...You'll probably have to start small...Do you ever just spend time together doing things she likes and vice versa? What about getting a nice hotel room, just to get out of the house, and go to a nice dinner, give her flowers, etc? Make it a really special day for her, and you might be surprised how it could help. You my have already done this....I have no idea. Just try things you've not tried before, or maybe couple old things with new things until you get something that really makes her day. I respect very much that you love your wife no matter what, and that you're basically willing to do things for her to help her come out of her shell. I'm very sorry that you're going through this, and I hope that you get it resolved someday. Everyone deserves that kind of attention...Out of curiosity, she does offer her affections outside of the bedroom, does she not?
     
  5. Stoney

    Stoney New Member

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    Again thank you for your suggestions. I have tried a lot of them before, but I will keep trying them, and other things as well. Even if it means I may have to masterbate clear up to the day they stick me in my coffin LOL. Seriously I love her so much I won't ever give up. Also to answer your question. Yes, she does offer her affection in other ways outside the bedroom. We never seperate even after 31 years with out a kiss good bye, and a "I Love you" from both of us. Sometimes it will even go as far as a "I Love you $60.00 worth" LOL a little inside joke betweeen me and mrs. I guess my real concern when I posted was how much the masterbation seemed to have grown, The guilt of cheating, and the guilt I have towrds being disrespectful to the women that I see at work, in shopping malls, in my neighborhood, all over that I find sexually attractive, and end up fantasizeing about, and masterbateing during those fantasies. I don't really worry about the masterbation to porn. I guess because I feel thats kind of what porn is for, and the women on there must know that will happen. Even though I know the women I fantasize, and masterbate about from work, shopping malls, neighborhood, all over aren't aware that I am doing it ( I mean it's not like I am pulling it out in front of them and doing it) . Thus they might not feel disrespected by me . It is more the fact that I know what I did, and after I am done I always hate the fact I did it. Well maybe not hate, but more feel guilty about the fact. Also I guess the fact (the way the number of times I masterbate has grown) where will it stop? It literally scares the hell out of me when I think could I reach a point to where masterbation, and fanterization isn't enough, or does the amount of masterbation eventually just level off, and never progress to anything else? The not knowing is what scares the bejesus out of me at times.
     
  6. Dreama

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    If you get almost no sex, of course you're going to masturbate more. That's just the way things go, really. I don't think you'll turn into a sex crazed maniac, because you masturbate a lot. Plus, feeling guilty about masturbating because a woman turned you on is like feeling guilty for breathing! You don't feel guilty about eating, or seeking shelter, or any other basic human need...Why feel guilty about the masturbation? As long as you aren't making them uncomfortable by telling them about it, or whipping it out in front of them, don't worry about it. You're going to put yourself through undue stress, if you keep doing that. Beautiful women are everywhere. Look and enjoy!

    If you and your wife are affectionate outside of sexual situations, at least you have that to work from. Just keep trying to reach her on an intimate level, and perhaps if she would and you have enough money, go see a therapist together.
     
  7. fantasy*

    fantasy* New Member

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    hey, im really sorry to hear about your situation, i have to agree with whats already been said, i dont think you have a reason to feel guilty at all, its a natural reaction to such a lacking in sexual things with your wife..

    i kind of can relate to her mindset because i used to be alot like that, mainly i think because i had an upbringing a little like yours where sex was like, a big no go subject especially for the purpose of pleasure, but we all react to our childhood experiences differently..

    i suppose my boyfriend has been in a similar position to you with regards to trying to make me more sexually confident, i think its just a case of assuring her that its okay to see sex as enjoyment, and that she can have lots of pleasure out of it and that its not just all about the guy (a big learning point for me for sure)

    i think the best thing to do is to take it in little steps, its really great that you have such strong foundations, so just take it slowly and start with the little things, maybe surprise her one day when she goes to kiss you by making it a bit more passionate, giving her a smile and then hopefully get her thinking..

    definately talk to her, dont make it too much of a serious conversation, but try at some point to express what you want (after all there are 2 people in a relationship) and then show her that you understand how she might feel but you care about her and want to help guide her to become more confident with it all.. phew this is getting a bit long, i guess try and show her that its about showing how much you love each other more than just being something dirty which is what she might have a tendency to thinking.. i hopesome of this helps at least!!

    best wishes!!
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dude, I hope the fact that two ladies have posted and told you not to feel any guilt at all over fantasizing and masturbating is telling you something: You don't need to feel any guilt about it. For all you know, some of the ladies you are fantasizing about might very well be fantasizing/masturbating over you as well! ;)

    IMHO, anything is OK in fantasy...it's JUST fantasy after all.

    This might be a huge step, but maybe you should talk to your wife about it? Tell her you are finding yourself fantasizing and masturbating more and more because your sex life with her is pretty much nonexistent. It sounds like you have a close and loving relationship otherwise...can you two be open enough with each other to talk about this? Maybe it would make her realize that she is leaving you without something you need from the marriage...maybe that's something she simply hasn't realized, especially if you haven't explicitly told her! My wife and I fantasize together, we write erotic stories for each other (go see the latest one FlirtyChick posted in the Erotic Lit section of this forum :brow), we encourage each other to have a little erotic fun, etc. It has made our sex life even hotter than it already was, and it sure seems to me that the emotional intimacy this creates actually creates trust and draws us closer rather than pushing us apart.

    If you talk with her gently (but not too gently) about some of this, you might discover that she secretly fantasizes and maybe even masturbates herself. I think it's safe to say that everyone (even those of us who are married to the love of our lives) still see other people that we think are sexually attractive. That's a human emotion...it's not wrong to feel any particular way (it only becomes right or wrong based on what you choose to do with those feelings).

    Oh...it wouldn't bother me at all to fantasize about someone I know (those are some of the best to fantasize about IMO! :brow) They don't have to know, and like I said before, they might be fantasizing about me for all I know. The only part that would even remotely bother me would be hiding it from my wife...and that's why I suggested maybe talking with her about it. Maybe your main guilt is coming from the feeling that you are somehow "cheating" on your wife. She might think it over and start watching porn with you, or she might tell you to knock yourself all with all the porn you can handle. Who knows what she might say? It always seems to me that honesty and openness is the absolute best policy.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  9. Stoney

    Stoney New Member

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    Thank you all so very much for your advice. It's definetly given me some things to think about. I am also glad that you all were so understanding in regards to my wife because she is definetly a kind, gentle very loveing woman outside the bedroom. Also BD sir thank you very much as you are correct it does help a lot that the two ladies gave me their opinion on this. Thank you ladies. Also however BD it helps a lot as well hearing it from another guy, and you all brought up some very interesting points that I will definetly explore. Thanks again.

    God Bless you and yours

    Stoney
     
  10. Dreama

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    Keep us updated, hun. I hope your situation turns gets better as time goes by.
     
  11. Barbwire

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    Over the past couple of years I have met (online) many older men in the same position as you, Stoney. Their wives, for one reason or another, don't have sex with them anymore. The difference is, all of them masturbate to relieve the tension and don't seem to be too guilty about it.

    I myself masturbate quite often to supplement the orgasms that I have when my husband and I make love. My libido is much higher than his, and sometimes, I just need the relief so I can think straight. My husband knows I do it and has no problem with it, and neither do I.

    Hon, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. No guilt, shame or abnormality about that. I do think you should try to have more open communication with your wife about your needs, and if that fails, you can always find a cyber lover and blow off steam that way. Works for me. :dgrin



     
  12. FlirtyChick

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    Unfortunately it sounds like the way she was raised, much like yourself, has made sex a dirty thing. If you introduce new things to her a little at a time, maybe she will get the idea that sex is fun, natural, and that she can be uninhibited and not have her name painted across the gates of hell.

    Believe it or not folks, I have always enjoyed sex, but always felt it had to be in the context of a "relationship", and was not as adventuresome as I probably should have been in my younger years. It took lots of love, trust, and a slow introduction to the "wild" side of sex to get to where I am today: insatiable and ready to play!

    Stoney, take it slowly with your wife, get her hot, make her want you. Ignite the naughty girl within through her mind. If you masturbate you just masturbate. I'll bet she has even done that a time or two. The key to having a more joyous sex life with her is to break past her inhibitions. If you are humping her leg while she is washing dishes or poking her in the back every morning you may not get through. Take it slow with her, and good luck. I admire you for all your love for her despite the sexual drought. It says much about your character!
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I don't know your age, but I'd guess that you're older than me, but maybe not that much older. As far as masturbation goes, I'll echo what others have said and don't feel guilty. I masturbated a lot in my younger days when sex was sometimes spasmodic, and I sometimes masturbated when I was away on business trips in more recent years. For us men, masturbation relieves tension and keeps us grounded. For me, as a highly sexual man, if I don't get some sort of sexual release every two or three days I get tense and anxious, which doesn't do me any good at all.

    My wife and I have regular sex, but sometimes there might be two or three days gap. By day one, I feel desires growing. By day two, I am admiring attractive females, by day three I am feeling more and more desirous of these attractive females! It's part of being a man, and I quite enjoy these feelings of desire, but I am quite comfortable with my sexual self. By day three, I certainly need sexual release.

    Your sex life partly dried up after the birth of your first child, and this is not uncommon. There are the obvious possibilities: women can feel tired and drained when taking the larger share of child raising, as is often the case in our society. This would make anyone less likely to want sex. There is a theory that the female sex drive naturally abates at this time, as an evolutionary self-protection method to avoid having too many children too close together. Given we are the products of millions of years of evolution, this is not surprising. There are some women on this forum who have been through similar sexual peaks and troughs in their lives.

    Interestingly, there are two studies I know of, and they came up with almost 70% of women in long-term relationships feeling less sexual after four or five years, regardless of whether they had children or not. Many men have gone through what you went through, and for some reason I have had many friends and acquaintances discuss the seuxal part of their personal lives with me over the years. After I had this discussion for the tenth or twelth time, I realised that this must be quite common, and I wondered what might be the underlying reason.

    As far as the hysterectomy goes, were your wife's ovaries removed at the same time? This is often done with hysterectomies, even if not necessary, as a prevention against the possibility of ovarian cancer. But the changes in hormone balance plays hell with a woman's natural sex drive. Even without ovarian removal, hysterectomies sometimes create problems with intercourse, as the vagina is no longer supported as it should be. Even though your wife's painful intercourse seems to predate her hysterectomy, it is possible that the hysterectomy has adversely affected things for her in this regard. But this is only a possibility, and the majority of hysterectomies have no adverse affect on a woman's sexual performance, unless her ovaries are removed.

    Beyond that, I can only offer the advice I offered someone else on this forum, but in reverse. That is that we strive and try to understand love, but we cannot describe the indescribable. Despite that, we try. Generally, we try to understand the different types of love. It could be the 'friendship' type of love, known by the ancient Greeks as Philia, and this can be love of friends, family and of course your partner. There is another type of love, Eros, the passionate type of love. The one where you can't wait to get her naked in your arms, and she can't wait to do the same to you. And there is Agape, which is a combination of Philia and Eros. That is, she is your best friend and your lover, and you are her best friend and lover too.

    Others descibe two types of love: companionate love and passionate love, with complete love being a combination of the two.

    My experience before getting married was that I had a couple of relationships of the companionate type: where we got on well together, we enjoyed each other's company, we had some good times, and we had good sex. But to me, despite these charming girlfriends being in my life, it felt like something was missing. Those relationships didn't last for various reasons. And then I met someone who just blew me away, love at first sight. Everyone who knew me realised something big had happened. This was it, the real deal, we were both into each other big time. Not only did we get on brilliantly from our first meeting, there was a sexual tension I could have grabbed and held in my hands. It was real tension from both of us, something that I had never experienced before. And even though she was waiting for marriage, and had been waiting for quite some time, she didn't wait much longer! And I knew what I had, my best friend, my soulmate and my lover. And we got engaged a few weeks later.

    So maybe the men who have unburdened their love lives on me have companionate or philia love with their wives, they are good friends as a couple but they don't have passion or eros. Maybe they don't have the full, complete and total love because they didn't even know it existed. Because how can we search for something that we don't even know of? And this is the problem of love, because often we don't know that something is missing until it is too late.

    So my view is to disagree with you, that sex is a part of true love and a part of marriage. Sex is an important part of marriage, because sex is bonds us and brings us closer together. Or the converse, lack of sex drives a wedge and leads to unsatisfied feelings and longings. So sex is important, sex makes us feel desired, satisfied and loved.
     
  14. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

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    well said, cbrmale. I don't think theres anything i could possibly add to that, just to back up what everyone else has already said!
     
  15. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    As usual, there is some great advice from the great folks on :sf, and I agree with all of them.
    I was wondering if your wife knows that you masturbate? There are times when I am super horny and she is too tired or stressed that she hands me the baby oil and tells me to have at it. Great woman I got, no doubt.
    Have you tried, or would she go for giving you a handjob, since penetration seems uncomfortable for her, and maybe let you diddle her? Mutual masturbation is great fun for a change of pace. Just trying to throw out a suggestion.
    Fantasy and masturbation are part of everyone's(well, maybe not everyone's) sex life and you should never, ever, EVER, feel guilty about it. The chances of taking it further are very remote, in fact, you should get that thought totally out of your head, and enjoy yourself to the max.
    If we weren't supposed to masturbate, why are our arms exactly the right length to do it?:lol
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Now THAT deserves to be a quote of the day! :lol
     
  17. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    50%

    Tragic when people shut down their sex lives! I imagine that's why a full 50% of marrieds have sex outside their marriages!
     
  18. Joe

    Joe
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    Stoney,
    From one old geezer to another, I've been there, done the same things, had the same feelings and been on the same guilt trips. (Lose the guilt trips, btw. Sex IS a basic need and masturbation is a benign way to get relief.)

    I wish I knew the answer to your basic problem (no sex from your wife), but I don't. I do respect your commitment. So you don't feel alone, let me share my experience with you.

    I was in a committed marriage for 27 years, the last half of which was totally sexless. We had two great kids. The main difference between you and me was that my wife and I grew apart in other ways as well. To our friends and family it appeared we were very happy, but privately we were distant. Five years into our marriage she told me she no longer loved me. She never again said that she did.

    I always "knew" that someday, if I kept trying and was patient, she would realize that she loved me. Then I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and doctors gave me little hope of survival. You know, I didn't really care because I had little to lose. In fact, I almost welcomed it; I thought it might make my wife stop and think -- and realize she loved me. But she wouldn't even talk about it. She did accompany me to the hospital in a distant city for my surgery, but as I was lying in pre-op talking to her, she was in a hurry to leave to go shopping. I asked for a goodbye kiss. Her reply: "I don't want to smear my lipstick." And she walked out.

    As I lie there by myself that morning, I thought about what my life meant and about my parents, who were devoted to and loved each other every hour of every day. I wanted that, but finally accepted that I'd never have it with my wife. Never. That's when I decided that if I survived I would leave her. Two years later I left. It wasn't until the very end of the marriage that it dawned on me -- I didn't love her either. I loved the memory of what she had been, not what she had become.

    This got way too long, but you see, you don't have it quite as bad as I did. You do seem have love in your marriage, and with love there's always hope. If she truly loves you, she wants you to be happy.

    See a therapist, either by yourself or with your wife. If you can't afford one, there are those who will work with you and your income. Talk with your wife. Tell her how you feel. You only have one life, and it's short. You owe it to yourself to make it the best that you can. Good luck!
     
  19. igor

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    That really sucks! Stories like this only emphasize that no matter how bad we think we have it, someone has a worse situation.
     
  20. Dreama

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    Yeah, Joe, I almost cried reading that bit. I can't imagine being so cold to my hubby!