Longest post ever/relation turmoil

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Ice Cold, Dec 19, 2006.

  1. Ice Cold

    Ice Cold New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2003
    Messages:
    165
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    VA
    I have a serious relationship issue that i want to work on, here is some history:

    been dating for almost 9 months, friends for 1 year prior, its a pretty serious relationship, we are both monogamous to each other, and we plan to move in together by this time next year. we basically lived together over the summer, and been through a lot, a miscarriage, being broke as hell living check to check, and friendships outside of the relationship being tested, due to our new relationship.

    Over the last month or so, we have been fighting quite often, most of which stems from us not giving each other enough space, but neither of us want to be apart for too much, so it doenst really work out. we are both guilty of contributing towards the fights.

    On my behalf, I have been attending school VA while being almost completely on my own, as my family is in GA. I usually only get to see my family on holidays, and parts of the summer because i work, so i have been missing them, and the overall family setting for a while. the reason this is important, is because she has become so much to me, she has been there to support me when i am down, hold me when i cry and give me strength to get through a lot of my own personal turmoil’s, as well as the ones we have to face together.

    Because of this, i have grown quite emotionally dependent upon her, which i am not too comfortable with. i dont believe there is anything wrong with needing someone to help you out, but i am not comfortable with how much i rely on her emotionally. I know i can be quite sensitive at times, and it is very difficult for me to open up with people, and she is one of the few that i do open up to, and i give her almost 100% of me, which is why i look to her as my family, friend and lover, but i also put so much pressure on her to be all three at times that it is not fair.

    This leads me to gettin unjustifiably upset when she is not available to cater to my needs, which usually leads to a argument. this also makes it so when i have legitimate issues to address they are not takin as seriously, or comes off as just another complaint (last sentence is speculation).

    On her part, because of me, she feels that she must be the one to solve all the problems in the relationship, and never communicate her own until they build up and burst out, which is never good. while i understand why she feels like this lately, i have been there for her for so many times, in the past, it feels as though shes forgotten that i can be there for her now too.

    Also i personally feel like i put a lot of effort into the relationship in order for things to work, or for us to have time to do the things we like, while she does try, i feel she doesn’t try as hard as me, gives me grief when i fail to meet her expectations, and her efforts are more towards the things that she wants to do, and not necessarily towards stuff we like to do together.

    For example, last 2 weeks were the final weeks of the semester, i did my best to give her space, avoid conflict and help her achieve her academic goals, all while puttin my wants on the back burner. as a result, we had 0 fights through out the exam period, i took care of everything i needed too, and she got most of her stuff done. i knew that after exams we would be staying with her parents and that we wouldnt get much alone time for a while, she was aware of this too, but she procrastinated her work to the point she turned an assignment in on sunday, which was due friday.

    she would periodically take smoke breaks(weed) and loose hrs of time that could be spent doing work being high, to her credit, the paper she was writting was difficult, and weed lets her focus better on certain topics, but she still spent a lot of time not doing anything, and would get upset with me when i wouldnt do nothing with her. she also refused to have any type of intercourse for over a week claiming she had a lot of work to do, which is fine, but makes me feel like she just doesnt want to have sex with me, when she can get high and pass out for 6hrs, but not spend 1 hr with me intimately.

    i am currently staying over a older neighbors house (50 something, good friend of the family) because the commute to work from her parents is almost 2hrs. we had planned that i would come to her house on wednesday, and stay past christmas, but she called me last night and told me she will be staying at her cousins till friday. if this was any other time of the year, i wouldnt mind, but it is the holiday season, her cousin will be staying with her family for christmast and if i wanted to be alone for the holidays, in a room playing video games, i would have chosen to do so. i could have gone home to GA and spend christmas with my family. i understand that she wants to see her cousin and spend time with her and thats all good and well, but when i address it, shes seems mad that i even mention it, and that i shouldnt be complaining. in the middle of typing this she calls me and ask me to come up to her cousins to see her, i am at work and dont get off till 5, and i tell her i might be able to get off earlier but i have to check, she gets mad, says nevermind and hangs up abruptly :( . i feel like i am being taking for granted because you chose to visit your cousin, you chose to stay till friday, i cant see you just because you want to, and you get mad and frustrated at me because i dont comply.

    I dont know what to do, if i am over acting and coming off as a lil bitch, please let me know, but i cant help but feel hurt and under appreciated. I want to work this out, because we both love each other, and although she acts like this on occasion, she is usually very loving and giving. what am i to do thoughts please on the longest post ever.
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Ice,

    Holidays, especially Christmas, puts a strain on loving relationships because the expections created form past pleasant memories are often difficult to replicate.

    People often don't take into accunt the comedown periods of feel-good medications. There can be strong periods of irritability, days after the last enjoyment. Sometimes weeks later. So understanding your lady's irritability may be an accomodation you can extend to her.

    In the marriage builders website, there is a concept called avoiding Love Busters. This means avoiding expressing disappointments in ways that are blaming, hurtful, or otherwise less than optimally loving. There is also the concept in MB of the Love Bank, in which your deposits and withdrawals are accounted for in feelings of emotional love, by your partner. The idea is to minmize your withdrawals, and maximize your deposits.

    If your lady was short with you for being at work when she wanted you to vist her cousin, then that is her withdrawal from your love bank. Not your fault.

    If you asked your boss if you could leave early to visit your lady's cousin, then that should be counted as a deposit into your lady's Love Bank. Maybe your lady was disappointed that you were unable to get off work, or maybe your boss seemed unapporachable, at that time, and you didn't even feel you could ASK to get off. Life has diappointments, but if you try to avoid Love Busters, and look for ways to make deposits in the love bank, that is about as much logic as you can hope for.

    Relations are also partly spiritual. You don't mention your vision of how to apply your feelings to the imaginary, invisible ribbons that tie you and your lady together on the spiritual plane. There is not a partiular version that you need to apply, but some idea of prayer, meditation or envisioning good times, could be helpful. When you are going to sleep, or waking up are good times to take a moment to envison increased happiness.

    You might want to guard agianst expressing resentment for your feelings of loneliness resulting from your lady changing her plans. Changing plans is something that women in particular, expect a man's love to accomodate.
     
  3. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    3,754
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northern Indiana
    Ice Cold:
    I really hate to say this but I just have this feeling
    that you need to Grow Up.:sf
     
  4. foxy

    foxy New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2006
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Western Australia
    Hmmm I have to disagree with you Big.

    The very fact that Ice has posted all of that - and - as comprehensively as he possibly could to give as "whole" a picture as he could, takes some maturity and humility.

    I lived with a man who NEVER EVER spoke about this stuff (for 23 years), just listened to me sorting out the issues all the time, became very co-dependent and suffocated me in the process, took what he wanted and did what he wanted anyway no matter HOW it affected anyone else.

    I even set up male contacts/supports, counsellors, gave him books to help - anything and everything.

    Ice has layed it all out. Good on you Ice !

    Not too many men do. I think that Logger had a very good response - the best response you can have is one that works for you - and is realistic in nature and application.

    The only thing I can say to you is..... make sure that personal boundaries are set between you both. Even if it means you sitting down once every two weeks and having a boundary review, which means basically telling each other the way you wish to do life. Some things will be different and some things will be the same - those are the things you will find yourselves doing together - and the rest of it, well, thats the life you are building for yourself which is so very very important.

    So now you have two major things to think about and focus on. Minimising the Love Busters/making more deposits than withdrawals, and, setting boundaries to set yourself up to succeed to do life your way with some union with your partner. Just remember though, you both have to "hear" each others boundaries - not just listen - big difference!

    Good luck Ice <3
     
  5. Ice Cold

    Ice Cold New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2003
    Messages:
    165
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    VA
    thanks for the advice, i will look at marriage builders for a better understanding of love busters and setting boundaries. i also thank bighiker, because i know i do need to grow up quite a bit emotionally, but its easier said than done.
     
  6. loveit247

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    1,241
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Cape Town
    Brother, you are 22 years old. You are more mature then most 22 year old men I have ever met. You do not need to grow up at all.

    I would be really pissed if someone changed plans on me like she did to you. You are handeling things very well. I know if I behaved like she has been (one sided I know) my SO would kick my ass.

    I think Loggers advice was spot on, so I won't add anything else.
     
  7. heelfetish

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    6
    I think Logger said it all. :)
     
  8. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    School, financial pressures, and still being young all have an impact on your current situation. A part of growing up is learning to be independent but realising that you need to rely on others. Once you realise that the next task is even more difficult is finding that balance between the two.

    I can understand the turmoil that is occurring but I subscribe to the philosophy of you can only do one big thing at a time. Meaning it is either school or the relationship. It is nearly impossible to do both together and give both the attention they deserve.

    There are no simple answers here and the only answer is what works the best for you. You need to work out what is in your best interest and what is best for you. I wish you the best.