long distance, marriage, kids - confused!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Fairy, Oct 4, 2004.

  1. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    I have been dating a guy for three months and now I have moved abroad with my family, he is six years older than me and I already know that I love him, we email nearly every day and talk on phone when we can. Before I left we said that if we ever met anyone else then we would tell the other person. He is not able to visit me until January, and Im worried that he will find someone else. Also, we have talked generally about marriage and kids, and I found out he is infertile, like, 100% NO KIDS. I can tell that he loves me more than I love him, because he is older so knows when he has found "the one" but I havent had enough relationships to know this yet. Do you have to have had lots of partners to know when youve found "the one"? Is there such a thing? I have always wanted kids, should I sacrifice this for him? We talked about adopting butI really want to "carry" a child and feel it grow inside me. Please give me some advice Im so confused??
     
  2. DarkHamlet

    DarkHamlet New Member

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    to find the right partner, many relashionships have to happen, experiences to finding the best fit 1 atleast.
    from what i can say i've been married since i turn 19 or 20 i think, so in my case i most say, that. now i'm experiencing a change, i willing to try another girl so see what i mist, damn. 2 see if all the girls taste the same!

    Kids tend to ancher you in the fun way kind of things, thats for sure.

    in marriage 4 me Sex is more important, some how.
    i need a shrink!
     
  3. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    There are evolving ways for inception to occur, so that you might be able to carry his child. Maybe today, you can't, but the future is moving fast. You do not describe the exact medical reason that BF cannot have children. So it is difficult to express ideas of probablilities, even from today's knowledge.

    I agree with Dark Hamlet, that Sex is an important element in a realtionship for most men. Dark Hamlet does not need a shrink. What time of day do you like to make love? What time for your BF? Anything you would like to change, if you actually started living together? Got Married? Had Children?

    Dark Hamlet seems to be saying that having had more relationships makes you a better judge of relationships. Today, internet forums give you a look at problems couples have, and see if those problems might come up for you.

    Have you let BF klnow of your desire to carry a child? Has BF offered a particlar range of options he would support? What are the limits of options for BF, if he were your husband?

    There are compatability tests, have you and BF taken any? Try to search this site, for compatability tests, or tests, as I believe ther are references here. Where are your strengths and weaknesses? Have you had your charts compared in Astrology? Have you filled out the MB Emotional Needs questionaires? http://www.marriagebuilders.com

    I don't think it is a question of how many relationships you have had, but more important, is how much effort are you willing to put forth to make this relationship work with BF? What extra consideration might be needed with your being 6 years younger than H? I am 4 years older than my wife, and near retirement, and I need more sleep than my wife does, at this time. Will this be a challenge for you? I got some ear phones that are comfortable on the pillow, so my wife can stay up late and watch TV in bed, and I can go to sleep earlier than she does. Would that be a problem for you, when you get older?

    I stayed up late last night, using the ear phones, and watched the movie Cold Mountain. That was about a Love with long periods of separation.

    What additional problems might occur as a result of your 6 year age difference? Do you agree on friends and social entertaining? Do you agree on what entertainment functions to attend? What social invitations to accept/decline? What organizations to particpate in? Church activities? Career path? Overtime or salaried hours? Job Travel?

    Blessings
     
    #3 Logger, Oct 7, 2004
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2004
  4. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    Sex should be important in everyone's marriage, I think its really weird how partners become lazy and just stop having sex when they're married for however long it takes for that to happen. How are marriages meant to last if they don't get consumated?
     
  5. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    fairy, i'm in a similar situation to u.... until august my bf and i were in a long distance relationship (although it was not overseas) he is also six years older than me.... when we were just friends he once told me that he could never be certain about someone before spending more thana year living with them. and that he never gave roses because to him they were ONLY for very special occasions.... since we have started seeing eachother he has given me over a dozen roses on various occasions and says he knows that he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.

    i love him very much, but i only turn 19 this month. and i'm not sure if i'm ready. I've told him about my fears and such and his response is always... 'just tell me what you are thinking and we can work through doubts'.... at this point in a relationship (and ALWAYS) communication is a key element... i can behonest when i say that i think he will wait for me to be ready... if your bf feels as if he has found the one, he will wait for you.
     
  6. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    Thank you all so much for the advice, especially Logger. You pose some interesting questions. We tend to have sex in the afternoon, or before we go to sleep. But sometimes he wants it in the morning, as long as Im not in a rush I will 'participate' as I really enjoy having sex with him. We have discussed sex in our relationship before and he was the one that said to me that if we could never have sex he would still want to be with me because he loves me, thats was before we slpet together and him saying that made me fel much more relaxed and when we did finally have sex I knew there was no pressure.
    We have discussed having children and he woudnt mind adopting, but doesnt like the idea (and neither do i) of sperm donor as it wouldnt feel like his child. I havent told him about my want to actually carry a child as I feel it would be selfish of me to want something that he could not be part of. I dont know completely why he cant have kids but it has something to do with the fact that when he was young his brother used to kick him 'down there' ALL the time, like he would take a run up and do it, etc. Not nice! So I guess he is kind of 'damaged' in that sense.
    We have the same kinds of friends although, he has a lot of female friends which worries me a lot, I guess it could be a good thing but I get very jelous. then again he gets jelous of my male friends, although I do not have as many. We like to do the same sorts of things, but he does like to drink. dont get me wrong so do I, but he seems to WANT to drink a lot, for me I can have a great night out without an alcohol at all. Is this a male thing? that he feels more socially accepted if he is drinking?
    He treats me very well and in return I like to do things for him becuase I love to see the look on his face when he is surprised and happy at the little things, so I am willing to put in the effort to make it work.
    My bf is much like BiBiBaby's in that he always wants me to tell him everything so we can work it through, we NEVER leave each other or go to sleep mad at each other because it makes it so much worse.
    I know that he would wait forever for me if I asked him too, but I feel selfish to ask such a thing. He has a lack of selfconfidence and I think that if I told him that I wanted time apart for example (not that I do) then he would be devastated and never take me back.. I guess Im scared that if I wanted to see other poele for a while or something then I would lose him forever?? I guess thats being selfish as well?? But then the fact that I dont want to lose him shows me that I love him so much, aahhh!!!!!.......... this bugs me!!!
    Anywho, thanks for advice, any more would be much appreciated, ;)
     
  7. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    I would suggest compatabilty tests, so that you can see what additional factors there might be to consider. If you feel you have a good understanding of what factors to consider in a relationship, then you should feel comforable making judgements about BF. Having more relationships will not necessarily make you wiser, faster. Getting some knowledge about what factors to consider in evaluating a relationship, will make you wiser. In my reading, responding, researching, I have become better able to make my relationship with my curent wife work. I have not had to go out and try new wives.


    MB Emotional Needs:
    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

    Affection
    Sexual Fulfillment
    Conversation
    Recreational Companionship
    Honesty and Openness
    Physical Attractiveness
    Financial Support
    Domestic Support
    Family Commitment
    Admiration


    Compatibiliby Test:

    Couple Compatability Test

    Drucilla Thread
    Drucilla Thread on Eanneagram Copmpatiablity test

    Personality and Compatability Test
    http://www.personalitypage.com/home.html


    MB Thread with Personality Test References:
    MB Thread with Personality Test Refernces

    MARITAL BEDROOM:

    "101 Nights of Great Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples"

    Board Game: Enchanted Evening



    It seems that a family member who could donate sperm, would have genes similar to BF.

    Ask to go along to the doctor so you could understand the problems BF has. Seems like a question to answer, since you are getting serious. I feel you have a right to ask for details. If for nothing else, about biryh control.

    Blessings.
     
    #7 Logger, Oct 13, 2004
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2004