Long, complex, in a relationship question. Sorry!

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by 1986, Jul 21, 2012.

  1. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    First of all.. Hi!*

    I've got a problem that's been going on way too long and I need advise and help. It's a long story but I really hope you've got the time and patience for this one.*

    I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years & I love him very much. We are in a very serious relationship, we have bought a property together and we both acknowledge that we want to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We are great friends, but sometimes I feel like that's all we are. We say we love each other loads and hug and kiss on the lips a lot, but not smoochy kisses.*
    We're experiencing issues with our sex lives and I'm desperately looking for help. I need things to turn around and get better ASAP. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this; it has already gone on for far too long.*

    To give a bit of background on us... We lost our virginity to each other & he hasn't been with anyone else in any way. I had kissed a lot of guys before I met my boyfriend and I had also been fingered and given a couple of blow jobs.*

    So when we first got together sex was kinda awkward but we kept at it and it got better. I looked online about how to give him good head and hand jobs. I tried out different methods and I think I was doing a good job & he said he enjoyed what I did. I also found out about rimming and tried that on him - he loved it. When I was getting him off, I was turned on. Seeing his muscles twitch, his toes curl and his eyes squeeze shut made me seriously wet and horny.*

    He used to watch a lot of porn (funny story - we had only been together like one or two months & I went round his house I accidentally leant on the DVD remote and on comes a fairly graphic porn scene of this guy with a huge cock completely pummelling this girl from behind. To say I was shocked was a huuuge understatement!!). Anyway. So he liked porn, so we went to an adult store and bought porn to watch together which*was good while we had sex.*

    Now here's the issue.... Foreplay for me was pretty non existent. I hinted to him what I wanted, then I asked. He would touch my pussy, but in a kind of detached way. I wanted him to explore me, like I did him. I wanted his face in my pussy making me come hard. But most of all I wanted him to want to pleasure me. I didn't understand why he wasn't turned on by fingering me or licking me. When he did finger me he never made me orgasm, he said it took too long and his hand hurt. He pretty much gave up on pleasuring me and I just felt nervous and under pressure if ever he did.*

    As time went on, I got a bit bitter over the whole thing and thought that if I wasn't getting what I wanted, why should he. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see how stupid this was now. But I don't have a time machine! We would have sex occasionally, but I would never feel close to being satisfied. It was frustrating and I would usually feel more pent up after sex than before it.*

    So maybe we're like 3-4 years in now... Sometimes I would bring this up and try to talk about it, but I was hurting over it and at times I'd be so upset that I couldn't even speak out loud about it without making that awful sobbing noise. I'd end up crying myself to sleep almost every time I brought it up. It's like he didn't care if I was fulfilled or satisfied. And I'm not delusional - I have a great boyfriend in every other aspect. I'm not spending my life with a selfish asshole. He loves and respects me, a lot of my friends admire or are envious of our relationship, obviously they don't know any of this.*

    Over the last couple of years, we'd have sex every so often (which I actually enjoy a lot) but still only the minimal foreplay for me. He lays next to me and fingers my clit and kisses me. Yes it feels good, but it's not enough. I got to the stage where I could make myself come in front of him (which took a lot of attempts) and I would always finish myself off, then toss him off and he would come in my mouth. Oh and the only time we ever do all this is in bed, usually in the middle of the night or sometimes before we sleep.*

    I just recently brought this up again three nights ago and said I couldn't go on with having sex with the person I loved only once every few months (at the most). It's unhealthy and he agrees. I said sorry for stopping the blowjobs and hand jobs, but that I felt it was unfair and one sided. I want and need a better sex life. I want to be with him forever, but this is driving me nuts. I told him how I want him to want to please me and make me come and he admitted that it doesn't really turn him on at all. He gives off a 'bored' vibe when it's 'my turn' and it's such a turn off. He makes me feel like I'm taking too long to come, which makes me feel pressurised and then takes me further away from an orgasm. It's a vicious circle!*

    I think porn plays a part in all this. If he ever goes down on me, it's hard tongue flicking on my clit. The other night I said I'd found this forum & people say its best to make her come and then have penetrative sex. He didn't seem to believe me and said he just wants to have sex.*

    He's never given me an orgasm & it's making me sad. He's never looked into techniques (I asked) or really tried at it.*It's not like I don't know what I want. I masturbate and sometimes watch porn too (mainly just women though) and I always make myself orgasm.*

    Please help us. I need to ignite some passion into our relationship. I'm open to anything but I'm afraid that no one can fix this other than himself. I hope I'm wrong.*

    Thank you for taking so long in reading my essay & I can't wait to read some responses. *
     
  2. Texas_Red

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    I don't know that there's much else to say, you seem to know exactly what needs to happen, and he seems completely unwilling to make that effort. IMO that does make him selfish, if only in the sexual arena.
     
  3. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    Thank you for taking the time to read. I know I wrote an awful lot there, but I felt like it was all needed to see the bigger picture. Do you think there's anything I can do to help him improve or see how he is being? I'm so afraid that is 'it'. :(

    Ps. I love your avatar! :D
     
  4. Texas_Red

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    No worries on writing a lot, it's better to spell it all out first rather than have to be asked for the info later. That said, I think I'm going to have to leave it to others a bit more versed in this to speak of ways to try to mend it, as I have no real experience here to draw on. All I can really say is that yeah, he has no clue about how sex should be if he thinks it's just "pump pump splort roll over" and he's really not being remotely thoughtful by refusing to see things any other way.

    Thanks! :)
     
  5. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    Thanks. Actual intercourse is good when we actually do it. And he lasts well. But it's just everything else. I just don't get why he doesn't get off on me getting off at all. It's almost boring to him. :(
    We've been in a bad way for so long, it's like I've accepted it. I feel like the change needs to be now, or it'll never happen.

    I so hope someone will some wise words and/or experience here will come along. I would be forever thankful if we could sort this out.
     
  6. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    Would a little bump be considered rude here?! :p :)
     
  7. Dmalloy

    Dmalloy New Member

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    Sex is the glue that binds a relationship. Each partner being truly satisfied is of the utmost importance. It's what helps provide the intimacy that helps get through life happily married IMHO. Without a doubt and you have already experienced this, resentment will build and spill over to the overall relationship. At some point you may even fall to temptation if this is not resolved to your satisfaction.

    He really does sound extremely selfish. He also hasn't reacted to your discussions and not even when you have withheld sexual favors. I think you need to seriously consider counseling for couples. If he refuses, then you will know his level of commitment to you.

    This will not work itself out I promise you so ignoring the problem will only get worse. Secondly, sex naturally slows down in a longterm relationship ( I know 20 yes married!) if it's bad now the future looks bleak. While it's very hard to move on from this relationship it will be even more painful in the future if this continues. Waiting to resolve this problem only prolongs the inevitable.

    Couples counseling should give you a better feel on which way to go in the relationship.

    Good luck!
     
  8. Super

    Super New Member

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    If hes like that now I wonder what hes going to be like 10 year from now? Either run and find someone else or stay with him and suffer. You pick.
     
  9. pbs

    pbs
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    I think this is good advice, and I was going to suggest it in a post. Sexual mismatches are the biggest and most frequent problems people address on these forums, and they don't go away by themselves, they only become more frustrating unless someone takes action. If you need a passionate lover in your life, or at least one who will attend to your needs out of a sense of duty, and your bf isn't "the one," better to find out now than after you get in any deeper. Counseling may show him the way, and he may change for a while to keep the peace, but you'd better be sure he's committed to the change before making a commitment yourself.

    I know what you're going through, as I was having to deal with something like this in my first marriage, which ended in divorce. Love is about giving, and your bf sounds like he's not a giving person, at least sexually.
     
  10. lbushwalker

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    Hi 1986,
    Sadly your story is all too familiar but often it is the male complaining about lack of sexual commitment by the partner.
    From what you say my feeling is you BF is just not a very sensually motivated person.
    It like people who eat because they are hungry and not because they enjoy the taste, fragrance and textures. He is in fact is a sensual midget and frankly I do not believe there is a true lasting solution to this dilemma other than the obvious of seeking to fulfil your needs and desires elsewhere.
    As others have said above, you have invested all this personal sacrifice and effort for such a long time and for what; years and years more of an incomplete relationship?
    Others in your situation most often just give up on that aspect of their lives whilst a few painfully but bravely bail out.
    :grouphug
    Bush
     
    #10 lbushwalker, Jul 22, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2012
  11. boobjob

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    Since he likes porn maybe you should try finding a video with a couple having the kind of sex that you want to have. The free sites that I go to have search bars that can help you find what you want if you search for "couple" with "amateur" or "homemade" you will find some nice vids of couples. There's a lot of fucking in different positions but often there is a lot of oral sex. You could also search "couple 69".

    Once you find something that shows what you want to do watch it together and then reenact it.

    Its worth a try.
     
  12. CaptHammer

    CaptHammer Member

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    After being with the same woman for nearly a decade you have to first be honest with the understand that whatever you say to the other is not meant to be hurtful. Then it's easy from there, but here is where sex is like working out. You have to change your routine on a regular basis or you're not going to get any benefit from it (that was a weird yet appropriate analogy, sorry).
     
  13. acemike

    acemike Member

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    I agree with Super.....It will only get worse as you get older, more tired during the day....All the things that go along with a typical marriage.....
     
  14. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    Wow thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate you all taking the time to answer my post. I'll reply to everyone individually, since I think it's polite. :) Then I've added an update below.

    Thank you, Dmalloy. Thankfully, I have never been tempted to be unfaithful, but there are times when I think about how it would feel to be with another man. :ugh I never want to go there though. I love him with all of me & I couldn't do that to him, or myself.

    Congratulations on being married for 20 years! That level of committment is so great to hear about. Thumbs up to you.

    Hmmm, couples counseling.... I feel like this is my one last shot at trying to fix this myself (I haven't tried for a few years because I got sick of it) and if this time fails, that's where we'll be going. I've got a little update on what's happened since we had 'the chat', but I'll post it at the bottom.

    That's what worries me. It's too late to run though. We have a house, a dog and we seriously love one another. Like proper committed l-o-v-e, we're just on different wavelengths about sex. I really feel like this can be fixed. And if it is a case of suffering, I'll just have to keep investing in vibrators and rabbits! :lol

    I underlined what you wrote because I couldn't agree more. I'm taking action and I mean it this time!!!! :lol No more softly softly.

    Bush, your post has really struck a chord with me. You're spot on. I never realised this before, but he has sex to have sex and come, whereas I could spend hours teasing and being teased. As I've already said, I'm not bailing out - I would sooner give up on that aspect of my life than loose the person I love. It kinda makes me think that it's a bit selfish to leave because of my own pleasure, no? :ugh

    This is a great idea! Thank you! :D We will definitely be doing this. We both like porn and I think this is a great way of introducing new things back into our sexual relationship.

    Hmmm.... I've never been with a woman.... :p
    But I get what you're saying. Change is good; variety is the spice of life.

    Thank you for your thoughts, but I've already covered this above.



    UPDATE

    Ok, so since 'the talk' we had an intimate time in bed together. It was nice and he went down on me, but it was a bit detatched still. He didn't make me come, but I'm not expecting miracles!! :eek But I did make myself come while he had his fingers inside me. There was a lot of kissing which was nice, but he still didn't seem turned on. I enjoyed it but it wasn't mind blowing. After I came I offered to finish him off, but he wasn't hard anymore and declined. Am I trying to read into this too much by thinking it means something? :ugh

    Yesterday, we discussed it all and he said he put a lot of effort in and was really into it, but I told him that I didn't really get that vibe off him and he was a bit annoyed about it and said what more can he do?! :yell I told him he didn't seem to be 'in the moment' and he agreed, he said that he's concentrating too much on what he's doing with his hands and/or tongue that he may be a bit distant and that's something he is going to work on.

    I'm pleased we spoke about it and I think we should discuss what we've done and how we liked it etc more in in the future.

    He also spoke about how long he thinks a woman should take to come and how long a man should take and there was no difference in it. I explained that women usually take longer etc....

    I feel like I need to lead by example with all this, so last night when we were watching TV, I started stroking him down below gently. He took the hint and was stroking me, we were both just sitting on the couch stroking and tickling each other over our clothes, which I found very hot. I ended up giving him a blowjob which he said was one of the best I've ever given him and I told him it was because I was into it and that we spent all that time before getting warmed up and teased. I told him I'm looking forward to him repaying this and he looked kinda happy about it.

    I feel like we will make progress here and I need to put 100% effort in. I found a book I bought when we first got together and I've asked him to read it. There's lots of practical adivce in there that I think might put him on the right track.

    If anyone has anything to add or more thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Anything at all is helpful, even the 'run for the hills' replies make me think about how much I love him and want to work this out.

    :)
     
    #14 1986, Jul 23, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2012
  15. Texas_Red

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    Sounds like some positive steps for sure. I would caution that while your concerns about him being detached are valid, make sure you also give him some positive reinforcement for at least putting in some effort, lest he feel he can't please you no matter what. Not saying that's the case, but he may get to thinking that, and that would cause major setback I'd think.
     
  16. pbs

    pbs
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    It sounds like you are already committed to this relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I think there are couples getaways and seminars that deal with stuff like this, like getting sexually connected. If I were you, I'd find one and give it a try - maybe it will wake him up. I know all guys are different, but I think one who can remain cool with a high drive wife is fairly rare. Maybe once he "gets the hang of it" things may be OK, certainly worth a try. Good luck.
     
  17. 1986

    1986 New Member

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    Thank you so much for the constructive words.
    Two nights ago, he came home and a little cuddle turned into something more. And it was good!
    He was totally into it and went down on me for ages. It was all so much more relaxed and comfortable. We had sex but it wasn't great. I'm waiting for the contraceptive injection to kick in and neither of us really like using condoms. But we won't have to for long, which is great. We also used lube which was nice and slippery :D I really enjoyed being with him and I know that he enjoyed it too.

    Im really hopeful for this to be a change for the better.

    I'm going to try and keep you guys updated as we go on because I so want to prove that you can move away from a sexless relationship. I want to make this work and go back to having a loving relationship in all aspects of the word.
     
  18. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    Okay. Let me throw my thoughts in.

    It sounds like you're not married but want to be, it sounds like you're saying he's marriage material, and it sounds like he's passive in bed. This is very much the early warning signs that often lead to a woman that can say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" which often is a sign she's having an affair and divorce is not far behind.

    You can say that you love him now and you appreciate what a great thing it is that he's not an asshole, but you sound like he's not tickling your libido and down the road when you have more stressors, like kids, and your intellect is strained - the intellectual romance will fade and your loyalty will depend on animal attraction.

    Your man needs to be taking charge in the bedroom. And you're in the tricky position that if you must resort to controlling him to get what you want, then it's going to create a perception in you of him being weak because you can control him, and that will take away attraction... And if you leave things as they are and you aren't satisfied, again you come away with a likelihood of loosing attraction.

    My wife loves receiving oral sex, and not all woman are like she is but she's very sensitive so it really takes a lot of skill on my part. To be completely honest... I never really got much out of oral sex and didn't do much of it before I met my wife, but my wife always kept herself trimmed short and clean, which helped a lot - and she shaves now which I really like. Somehow I will push through any pain to go as long as she wants or needs, and as she's escalating her enjoyment, it does turn me on.

    My wife has always been very vocal in reacting early on, but as she gets more intense she goes silent.. But when she does come, she really twitches violently. When she's getting close I can see a stream of drops of her wetness. I've noticed how her parts get swollen.

    There was an e-book I'd read a while back that might be helpful for him, The Female Orgasm Blackbook

    I think also helpful is a phrase from another book I read. The point of any sexual encounter is the enjoyment of the experience regardless of outcome. Having to achieve orgasm puts pressure on one or the other or both partners. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen.

    Now I'll also say I've advised guys in discussions online about necks getting sore. There's lots of positions to give a woman oral sex. A stand-by for us has always been the 69 position with us both laying on our side. He can prop up his head with a hand. You could also start off on top of him, but I know that tends to be a position that's harder to sustain for the woman.

    But since you like giving oral so much, 69 would probably really be great. My wife doesn't go for the coming in her mouth, but somehow while she's orgasming she'll really agressively suck my cock, and that always feels real good.