LD relationship- kids involved- need advice

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by dwj21, Jul 10, 2011.

  1. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    ok, so i am in a pretty unique situation and am very confused and also scared at the same time that i may lose the love of my life over distance.

    back in February my wife left me. we have had problems for a long time and it was kind of a matter of when it happened not if. i've dealt with this and am ok that we are going to be divorcing. we haven't invested in each other emotionally for years and i do not believe in the slightest we can make each other happy. so apart we are and that's fine.

    soon after she left i met someone from my hometown who lives 3.5 hours away. we started talking on facebook. general im'ing that turned to texting. she is going through a similar situation being that she is separated but she actually still lives with her husband because he wont leave. it's getting ugly with their situation. she wants to go to a mediator but he wont. so eventually it will probably end up in court. but anyway we connected right away because we both are in similar situations. then through our talking we found that we have A LOT in common. i mean we have such a great connection. then we had sex. OMFG!!! we are completely sexually compatible. so amazing. everything is perfect, but, she lives 3.5 hours away.

    we became an official couple in april and told each other we loved one another soon after. things were awesome, we were in love and enjoyed our limited time together. we'd see each other almost every weekend. she is the love of my life. i've never experienced anyone like her. and the same goes for her about me. when we have sex we can cum together almost every time. in fact, for a stretch of seven times we did exactly that. i am so into this woman and she is so into me. it's perfect. we talk about how our chemistry and communication and connection is so amazing that most people have never experienced that, well most likely. it's so perfect that we professed to each other that we want to marry. i once said that if my marriage failed i'd never marry again, she said the same thing. then we met. and we both want be married to each other. it's so deep that i wish i were the one that had kids with her and that she was the mother of my children. but anyway, totally amazing woman and totally amazing connection.

    fast forward to this month, july. things are getting bad in her home. her husband is non responsive to her, doesn't communicate about their children, wont go see a mediator, stole her passwords and hacked her accounts, kept a booking trying to make her look like a bad mother so he can try to take the children from her. she's having a rough time and with me not there it's weighing heavily on our relationship. well it wasn't exactly until i acted like an asshole almost two weeks ago about something minor i had an issue with and wouldn't let go. some issues arose from that situation, obviously my actions were inexcusable, plus i was drunk. but the thing that popped up was the distance thing. so here's the main issue:

    where i live i have two children, she has 3 there. she says she doesn't know how she feels about our relationship anymore after i acted like a dumbass because she wants exactly what she wants and starting new she will not settle for anything less. i assured her that my actions were not reasonable and will never happen again. but also mainly because she says i can't move there because of my kids, she's not leaving there and if i did move there then she feels my kids would resent her forever for it. the kicker though is i have a daughter who lives about the same distance away from her that i do just in the other direction. she's 15 and i'd be closer to her and get to see her more. so this potential new area for me would about middle between my kids.

    i am struggling big time with this. my relationship with her may just be over because of distance. i told her to let things pan out some before we make any rash decisions. i mean she still lives with her husband and neither of us are divorced yet. i understand she needs emotional and physical support that i can't always give because of the distance but i am a phone call or a text or im away. i will always make her a priority.

    so, i want to move there to be with her. plus it's a bigger area with more opportunity than where i currently live. but how can i justify leaving my kids here? i know i need to be happy and that was a reason my wife left me. neither of us were happy. everyone deserves to be happy in life, but at what cost. this is a tough one. i don't want to be here anymore. i want to be with her. but i don't really want to leave my kids, but i don't see my daughter enough.

    it's breaking my heart that she may walk away from something so special over distance. there's time to figure that out imo. i plead with her to not give up on us because of distance. she was in town this week and we spent every night together. we talked the first night about our feelings and emotions and it was left at she needed space and doesn't know what she wants. then we cuddled and had sex. we've had sex each night and it was amazing. our general time together has been amazing as well. so we talked again today and the distance issue came up after i said all the issues she has with me can be fixed. she said distance cannot be fixed. i don't know what to do. i love her with all my heart. i know she cares a lot about me. she has pulled away some. she hasn't said i love you since monday night. i don't think she is mad at me anymore for my actions but in thinking about our situation over the last week the distance issue came to the forefront. i asked her today if we were still a couple, she said she doesn't know how to define us. i am giving her space by not hounding her on her feelings. we haven't talked about it the last few days after she said she needed space until today. i am so scared that i am going to lose the love of my life. i don't know what to do. i cry about it sporadically because it breaks my heart so damn much that i am in this situation. i don't want to be stuck in this small town forever with no opportunities....

    please respond with thoughts, ideas, questions, advice just anything. i need to talk about this and get some kind of gameplan.

    thank you
     
  2. Meee

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    She's a married woman, living with her husband. It doesn't matter how bad their relationship is, she's a married woman living with her husband. This husband is looking for ways to make her look like a bad mother. He would jump up and kick his heels if he found out about you. Give her some space so she can give more attention to the very tricky situation she's in.

    Oh, and as soon as you moved within range, he'd probably punch you in the face. :jerry
     
  3. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    he wouldn't do that. he more than likely already knows about me. this isn't about him. she wants nothing to do with him. she hates him. this is about our future together.
     
  4. missie

    missie Member

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    Im a little unsure about all of this as to what really to say, I know you say she is wanting out of her marriage but she is still living with her husband. The mere fact she is still married and living there makes it wrong, Im not sure how divorce etc works so i cant really comment, but is she ready for this because you said she has asked for space, she is just coming out of a relationship doesn't she need time to find her feet with life?

    Also another point that is a little concerning is that you say she keeps bringing the distance up between you both and she isnt going to give any ground on it, Is she as into you as you are in her?

    If you are willing to move to her...what and how will you get to see your kiddies (or the other way round ...how will they get to see you?)

    The heart can lead us to good and bad things in life and Im hoping it is leading you to good!
     
  5. hornyscot

    hornyscot New Member

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    you have my deepst sympathy because i empathise so much with you. i started my thread with exactly the same situation and if you read it you may find some answers in there that might help you. the love of my life lived a twelve hour journey from me , and we overcome this by meeting on a fortnightly basis, its the very best we can manage and therefore we both accept it for what it is, we dont let the distance become the biggest issue for us, we have overcome that problem as best we can. there are far bigger issues for us to solve and this can only happen over time and we both know it, so have agreed that we will solve these as and when the time comes, so we are prepared to wait for each other. some sacrifices have to be made on both sides if you are to resolve thsi, good luck and i hope you can resolve it to suit you both
     
  6. Meee

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    Your future together is about him. It's about their children. It's about your children too. And your wife. Everyone's future has to think about other people too. What she wants from him and what she's going to get from him aren't going to overlap a lot. I stand by my advice. When child custody gets to court, report back to us about the huge surprise she gets.

    Oh, and I'll leave it to somebody else to do the "Holy rebound, Batman!" post.
     
  7. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    she definitely is as into me as i am her. i know this. she is going through a very difficult time with her current situation. distance wasn't really an issue until i continued to do dumb things. we'd fight, make up, then i'd make the same stupid choices. much of it revolved around drinking and being irresponsible at times, not all the time. i've come to terms with some internal issues i have and have worked those out. so recently i guess it really bothered her i'd still didn't make the best decisions and then she put things into perspective and then the distance issue arose. she said it's been there but we both ignored it. she said i can't move because of my kids. but i have a daughter that lives 4 hr in other direction of her making her the epicenter of sorts. so moving to get a better job and be with her and be closer to my daughter all make sense. it's a tough difficult situation, i know this.

    as for asking for space, that was just very recently because of all these other issues which i can control and correct. also, she was officially done with her marriage as of last september, and has slept on the couch since december. we didn't meet until february. she's ready and so am i. why? because when you find something, someone so perfect for you, you cannot pass that up. we have the greatest connection either of us have ever experienced.

    as for my kids that are potentially left behind, i could every other weekend and a month or so in the summer. it's just a solution i have thought of. in time more choice may become clear. believe this is a very difficult thing for me. the only reason i am not already there are my kids here.

    i understand my heart can lead to good or bad things. i have thought about how much i care for this woman and everything i love about her. we fit perfectly. it works. i love her.
     
  8. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    if they go to court, she's going to get pretty much what she wants. she's offered mediation. he refuses. the problem is in the state they live in they can't divorce until they live in different houses or wait two years. as for custody, she's an excellent mother, she has nothing to worry about.
     
  9. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    oh, this isn't a rebound. my marriage was long over before it was. i know exactly what i want from the woman i am going to be with. so if i find it, what's the big deal when it happens? i'm emotionally ready and available to be in this relationship. it doesn't matter when my marriage was over.
     
  10. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    What stuck with me when reading your post was the line, "i don't want to be stuck in this small town forever with no opportunities...."

    Am I right in reading this as meaning that you feel moving in with this lady (or at least moving to her town) would make you happier than living where you are now? You don't need a reason or an excuse to move; just move!

    What is the arrangement with the mother of your children regarding custody? I know it must be so tempting to just up and go when the love of your life is waiting for you in another town, but you are the father of these children. They need you around and you would probably miss them more than you can realize right now.

    Without knowing you or anyone else involved, and just going by what you have posted, this would be my advice. Feel free to completely ignore it :) If you are really unhappy living where you now live, you should move. Find somewhere that is very close to your children but that also brings you just a little closer to your love, and therefore also your 15 year old. This way you can still see your kids regularly, it will be easier to see your other child and your lady and you will also be living in a town you like with more prospects. If you rent, rather than buy, you can move again if necessary. Some married couples with children live apart and only see each other on the weekend. You don't have to be living in the same house to be a real couple.

    Good luck and I hope whatever happens, it will be the best thing for everyone involved. Keep us posted!
     
  11. Meee

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    I meant the woman possibly being on the rebound too, not just you.
     
  12. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    yes, that's right

    we do not have an arraignment that is official, i usually keep them 3 nights a week and her 4.


    i would almost definitely have to be in her city. it wouldn't make sense to live anywhere else because i could only get the kids on the weekends at that point and then i couldn't see her anyway. and if i did every other weekend then what's the sense in not being in her city? see my point? also, i would still be too far from my daughter. as it stands i am about 8 to 9 hours from my daughter. moving to my woman's city would put me about 4 to 5 hours away and about 3.5 from my boys. it's a shitty situation with no real solution that will work for everyone but i don't want to feel in 10-15 years from now that i passed up the greatest love i could have ever had. i mean there are not many opportunities to find love so complete and real that when you do you should run with it.
     
  13. backcheck64

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    First off, Mee has some good points. I'm not sure how you can be sooo in love when you haven't even properly dated. Emails and shit don't cut it. Don't be so sure about her and custody. I know several cases where a less than desireable father got primary custody from "great" mothers. More and more fathers are getting at least joint 5050. I'd wait till both divorces are settled, then you know where both sides stand. If she really wants out, she'd get out of the house. After things are settled, you'll know the custody demands on both sides, if either of you have any ability to move closer to eachother...then date for a while and REALLY get to know eachother as people, not rebounds or a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on. Then if she really is all you think she is, how will the kids interact, there's another mess to overcome. I see the aftermath of these kinds of things in the kids my kids go to school with and play sports with.
     
  14. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    we are dating and have been for close to 5 months. we see each other at least half the weekends of each month. talk all day everyday. i mean i am not saying i am moving down there tomorrow. that's something that would be within a year or so.
     
  15. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    Ok, right now your lady is living in an abusive relationship, in that situation we often feel the need for support and reach out to someone prepared to offer it.

    This is what you are doing, you are her prop, her dream of a better future perhaps, her support. Which is great. Fact is though she needs to find herself, she needs to live apart from her husband with her children and to have time to stop and just be her, so she can figure out if you really are her future.

    My advise is whatever you do in terms of moving, do it for you, for whats best for you and your children - without considering her. Be there for her, love her, support her but be prepared to set her free, if you two are right for each other she will come back to you, but be aware she may not, in which case you are stuck in a strange city with little support yourself.

    Good luck xxx
     
  16. lbushwalker

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    Ditto Moon's take on this but in addition I sense that this lady has already gone somewhat cold on you after your disasterous drunken obsessive outburst.
    Frankly she must be weighing up the all pros & cons of so soon jumping out of the frying pan and perhaps into a fire. Despite the great sex stuff which is very important but not overiding she perhaps has a clearer view of what might lie ahead with both of you having so much "baggage".
    Patience & perseverance is the key here.
    If you are meant for one another then things will work out but the desire must come from both parties because on your own in this dude your dreams are already doomed.
     
  17. backcheck64

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    5 months isn't shit to see the actual inner person. A year, year and a half of every weekend and some weekdays, spending a lot of time together, then you'll see all the idiosycracies and quirks. People can put on great fronts, but only for so long, then the true personality comes out. If I was her husband, I'd keep my nose clean, no GFs, no domestic calls to the police, then with a good lawyer, show she's a cheating whore since they are not divorced or living separately, and leave her with nothing but visitation, possibly supervised. Yes it's more than possible unless the cops have visited to keep him from hurting her. Hell I know one guy that had his now ex with never an issue with being a "bad mother" excorted out of the house by the sheriffs dept. I know another guy that got primary custody and she's paying him child support. If you're seeking a divorce, you don't date, you don't do anything until the papers are signed. It all can be used against you in court to make you look very bad and unfit.
     
  18. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    the research i've done states that in this particular state adultery doesn't come into play unless it puts the children in harm one way or the other. i have never met her children. from what i've read i don't see an issue....
     
  19. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    all good stuff. thanks. has me thinking a lot. i really love this woman and want to be with her...this situation is just a mess and i wish it were easier to figure out...so many variables.
     
  20. backcheck64

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    But a good lawyer can make a moutain out of a mole hill. Be careful. And you won't have any idea how the kids will interact until you actually put them together. With 5 kids in play, good luck. How the kids will react to you will be another thing. Will they see you as the reason their parents are divorced? If they find out you guys were see eachother before the actual split, you could be percived as the bad guy, thus they will have a poor image of your kids. You're poking a hornets nest dude. Good luck with that.