Ladies - Lying s/o's?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Hope80, Apr 25, 2008.

  1. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Recently I caught my fiance lying to me.

    1) He told me he was at a baseball game - that his friend got free tickets to go with the boys. This was around 8pm, - This seemed odd to me because i had thought i heard that the blue jays game was around 3 in the afternoon. I checked online, and i was right.

    2) His phone has a funny way of redialling people he has just been in a call in, without him noticing. Doesnt his cell phone call me back later on (without his knowledge) and i over hear him speaking to a woman. I later confront him with these two things and he denies them. He eventually caves in and tells me he was @ a lady friend's house of his male friend and not at a baseball game at all.

    This devastates me. I cant understand why he would lie if there was nothing to conceal. He swears nothing went on, but im not convinced. My trust is almost in the toilette for him. I dont mind him being in womans homes - i mind him lying about where he is - my imagination runs away with me because ive been cheated on before.

    Ladies - how would you deal with a situation like this?...Am I over reacting?
     
  2. heelfetish

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    6
    Normally I'd say that you have to be trusting, and not 'check up on him' so much, but in this case, I think you have a genuine issue. While I can't say for sure what's really happening, he really did lie about where he was going. And I'm with you: why would he do that? I mean, it's not like you're smothering him if you were to allow him to go to a ball game with his buddies.

    I've been cheated on before too, and I know the sting of betrayal. I really hope that he's not cheating and that something else is driving the lies. But IMO you have every right not to trust him. Is there any chance that he's planning a surprise for the wedding, or a party, or something of that sort?
     
  3. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    No, it cudnt be that...We can only think of even approaching any wedding stuff until i am done skool witch will be in another yr...

    He gave me this medeocre excuse about not wanting to tell me the truth because he didnt want me to get mad at him for being in a womans home - but thats b/s. We've never argued about him being around other ladies, its never been an issue. The lie really opened up some long dormant insecurities and scars...I dont think he really understands the damage hes done...I feel almost as if we need to start all over - 1st date over, to rebuild everything. This is going to take a while for me to calm down about this.
     
  4. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    6,443
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    I think he felt the need to lie about where he was because he must have had a guilty conscience about what he was doing. If he hadn't felt that this was something you wouldn't approve of him doing, then he wouldn't have lied about it. It could be that you honestly didn't mind at all, but his guilty conscience got the better of him, which of course made it a lot worse for him.

    My ex-boyfriend used to do similar things all the time. He'd say he'd be in one place with a group of friends but really he'd be in a bar drinking with some woman. He'd stupidly take her to the same places we usually went, so sooner or later I'd find out from a friend. Someone would say that they were in that place the other night and the bartender said he saw my ex in there with another woman, and thought it was kind of strange.

    Our relationship was on the rocks anyway, and after a while of all this needless sneaking around I told him that I was well aware of what he was up to, and if he wanted to spend the day with another woman (it wasn't always the same woman) or go out to dinner with or go drinking with another woman, then he might as well just say so. The fact that he was going through these very feeble attempts to lie and sneak around made it even more embarrassing and humiliating for each of us.

    I guess it was more so for me then for him. We worked for the same fairly small English conversation school in Japan, and everyone there knew that he was cheating on me with several different women, but they also knew that I knew he was cheating on me.

    After a while I got fed up and left, but he's still there doing the same thing.
     
  5. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thats terrible...So sorry.
     
  6. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Up until a week ago, we were a couple that spent everyday together, i didnt even need to call, hed call me and ask if i was ready to go out because he was already at my door. We did absolutely everything together..cook and all. We were inseperable. But ever since he started hanging around with a neighbour he didnt even like - its all stopped. When i call i can almost feel an inconvenienced tone in his voice - i can hear the other fellow in the background. I am totally in support of him having "guy time" ive always encouraged it even. Id even ask him to leave me home when his friends called because i wanted him to have pure guy time w/o me there so the bunch could be more comfortable with guy talk and all. But ever since this new friend came around...i seem to be in 3 - 4 place with everything. This has all happened in the span of a week.

    Im scared hes seen some kind of single guy lifestyle and may not want to be in such a serious relationship anymore....It devastates me. We were the best of friends.
     
  7. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Honey, if a man feels the need to treat you like crap, it's totally his problem. I hope that you can get to the bottom of these lies. There was no reason to lie, if there wasn't something more he was hiding. Keep your eyes open, talk to him, and perhaps he'll open up to you. Lying is a terrible thing. I seriously hope that things get better.
     
  8. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    The issue here is not that he may have cheated but that he destroyed your trust in him which produces the same effect as cheating. Trying to get him to admit that he cheated will probably take a lot of effort from you and energy you could use elsewhere.

    My recommedation would be to discuss with him what has transpired, how it has made you feel, and that by lying you have lost your trust in him. Let him know that it is irrelevant if he has cheated as it will not change how this event has left you to feel. Find a way to work through it and find a way to build up the relationship. From the sounds of it there is probably some underlying relationship issues.
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    I'm not a big fan of dishonesty...I'll state that up front. And I dislike it even worse when someone is caught red-handed and still won't fess up to whatever they did. You should sit down and calmly talk to him about what's going on. Make him comfortable enough to fess up if something truly is up...remember, don't punish someone for telling the truth, even if you don't like what you're hearing. If you punish someone for being honest, then they grow afraid to be honest. The fact that you said things like you are "devastated" makes me think that perhaps you are over-reacting a bit? Work to get the truth out of him, but just don't punish him for giving you the truth.

    BD
     
  10. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    I have to agree with those who've said he had no reason to hide this from you unless he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing. That in conjunction with his odd stand-offish behavior would say to me that it's time to move on. My assessment of the situation may seem a little drastic, but, trust me on this, it is impossible to build a happy relationship on a shaky foundation, and trust is a critical component of that foundation. If one person is letting themselves get involved in sticky situations, or activities they know their partner would chew their ass out for participating in, that does not bode well for future happiness. You can't simultaneously respect your partner and engage in activities that you can't openly share with him/her.

    Just don't let him sell you some half-baked story explaining away his indiscretion. You deserve better than that and someday you'll get it. Just not from this guy. Sorry, luv.
     
    #10 Bluesy, Apr 26, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2008
  11. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Totally out of left field I say....could he be doing drugs with this new guy friend of his? Could he lying to you to cover it up?
     
  12. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    You're...

    ...in luck. Walk. Walk now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Get out. Now.

    It's that simple.
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Bingo! I would think it's probably something OTHER than cheating, given what you've described. If he's lying, there may be an addiction of some sort involved that he doesn't want you to know about.

    And I would to agree with LP...at least, put things on hold until you've sorted this out. If there's anything that quite bothers you now, in about a decade (maybe before) it will be absolutely maddening, and you will kick yourself for not heeding the obvious red flags.

    BD
     
  14. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    OMG, that's so true, CL and BD. That really could be one explanation. I have a few drug addicts in the family, and they would lie about everything, because they didn't want to give away what they did in their spare time. However, lies tend to fall through, and everyone eventually finds out. Try to calmly discuss the fact that being lied to is unacceptable, and that you need the truth.
     
  15. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    For what...

    ...purpose? If that needs to be discussed now, at this stage, then this is a bad idea. Time to punt. Quit. Get out. Leave. Go. Now. Yesterday.


    "Mr. Rattlesnake, before we go any further with our relationship, I'd like to point out that I don't like being bitten and I don't react well to venom..."


    RUN. Do it NOW.
     
  16. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    I dont know guys...Im just not sure what to make of anything anymore. I had a talk with him as supporting and calmly as i could, asking him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Like about our relationship, what he would change - what he likes...If he would like to experiment something in the bedroom...Anything at all. And he said he was fine with us and didnt want to change anything. I spoke to his sister and he confided in her about our argument about his lie. His sister said he seemed really sad about what happened and that nothing went on with any woman but...I just thought we were comfortable with eachother enough to not be afraid to mention where we were...wether or not we were at a womans/mans house...I feel like Dr. Phil - "if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing"

    Ever since hes been hanging around with this guy hes acting so differently. Whats so funny is that this new friend of his - he cudnt STAND him a few weeks ago. If he knew he was in the lane way (their neighbours) he wud only open the garage door half way just to not look at his face.

    I find it very strange how a friendship like this cud have blossomed. He told me not to call him this whole weekend because he was going to be out with this friend (partying and going out drinking or whatever) . Hes never ever asked me NOT to contact him. Ever. Very strange...And hurtful.


    I cant explain how insecure im feeling to you all...And scared. He is my first and only. We have our families so involed...we've invested so much...He went out and spend an arm and a leg on an engagement ring i told him i didnt need at all...Im really scared. = (
     
    #16 Hope80, Apr 26, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2008
  17. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    Yes...

    ...you do.

    Right now you're in excuse making phase. Go ahead. Marry him. You've got all kinds of time to wonder why you married someone who would lie to you.
     
  18. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Something is definitely amiss. Sight tight, don't hassle him, and be observant. He'll eventually screw up and get caught with whatever it is. If you've set a date on a wedding with this dude, I'd say put a hold on that date in your mind (but don't tell him that...just let him think you are naive and everything's just fine).

    I do have to agree with LP...if he's lying to you now and you're not even married yet...well, it'll only get worse as time goes along.

    Maybe he's planning some surprise for you...could very well be since you're his fiance, right? So, just remain calm...I'm sure you wouldn't want to look like a distrustful idiot if you find out he's having this friend help him build a new house for you guys or something. However...where there's a little smoke, there's a little fire. I would say the probability that his intentions are good is probably pretty darned low, so be emotionally prepared for whatever you find out. Drug abuse sounds like an awefully good candidate here, but it could be something entirely unexpected.

    BD
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    I totally agree with your Dr. Phil quote, btw.

    Listen...don't feel insecure and don't be scared. Stand strong and tall here. I assume you are afraid of losing him, and that's the source of the feeling of fear and insecurity? Well...guess what...if he's a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, or whatever, you should be happy that you are finding it out now rather than 10 years from now when you are married and have kids. You'd be better off kicking his ass out of your life instead of marrying someone who isn't going to be the partner that you want and deserve. Human beings aren't perfect...we ALL make mistakes and bad choices some times...however, you do have to consider that bad behaviors now will always continue...and get worse. It's better to be alone than with someone who isn't going to treat you like a respected and cherished partner.

    So, if you lose him, it might be like losing a poisonous mushroom that you intended to grill with your steaks...ya know? And IF the behavior is of a dubious nature (and it sure sounds like it is), then he's actually doing you a favor by demonstrating it now.

    BD
     
  20. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    It worries me that he specifically asked me to not call him over the weekend...I hope to god nothings going on...If i could id hire a private investigator but dont have the funds...My family is religious and they know im no longer a virgin...when he proposed it made everything ok...if this doesnt pan out...here i am left damaged goods, heart broken and just worried sick my parents wont respect me anymore.