Lack of libido advice?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Insertnamehere, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    Hello.

    The first thing I should point out is that I have always been sexually conservative, in fact, I'm a little bit embarrassed just to be posting here as I notice that there are many things transpiring on these forums with which I do not necessarily agree. However, I imagine that these forums will be a good source of advice for the issue I seem to be having, so I decided to bite the bullet and create this topic.

    Though sexually conservative, I used to be sexually active on a pretty regular basis, and my sex drive might have qualified as, "Average."

    This has not been the case for about three years now. My sex drive barely registers. My erections and a feeling of sexual desire or yearning are both rare and spontaneous. When I do experience sexual desire, it is a very strong urge, unfortunately, the impulse control goes on the backburner and I tend to resolve that desire, "Solo," so to speak.

    I guess the problem is that I am married and my wife has an insane sex drive, however, we've had sex twice last year and three times this year, thus far. I'm hoping to double last year's output, but it may not happen.

    We've reached the point in our sex life where any attempt towards having sex is somewhat awkward. Neither of us have any tendency to make the first move. I don't make the first move because I feel awkward (that has not always been the case) and she doesn't make the first move because being touched causes me to, "Freeze up," and I am largely not responsive...which has also not always been the case.

    My idea of foreplay, at this point, is simply to directly ask whether or not she wants to have sex. She usually says no because such an approach is not, "Sexy," and because she feels that I am only offering to have sex to, "Shut her up about it."

    Unfortunately, she's pretty much right about that. My theory is that if I offer to have sex and she declines, then I'm pretty much off the hook for that day. I offered, right?

    I'm not entirely against having sex, necessarily. I believe everything downstairs is in working order. I masturbate, I would say, on a weekly basis. I don't always come to a full erection when I masturbate, but I would say that I achieve orgasm about 90% of the time and come to a full erection...maybe half of the time. I'm not sure why I do it, I think just to make sure it is working more than anything.

    I don't really get turned on by much of anything. I believe my wife might have more success if she were willing to perform oral sex on me, but she is currently withholding that as she is not pleased with the irregularity with which we have sex. We might end up getting a divorce, which I don't want, mostly due to our lack of intimacy.

    The problem is that I don't really feel any intimacy towards anyone. I think that I may actually be asexual, though that wouldn't make sense, because it was not always the case. I used to have an average sex drive.

    I've never had an attraction to males, and I do not have an attraction to males. I used to be regularly attracted to females, but that's no longer the case. I'm a reasonably attractive male, perhaps slightly better than average, but women flirting with me tends to repulse me. The stronger the flirting, the more repulsed I am. Provocative clothing and, "Slutty," women also tend to repulse me.

    I'd like to rectify this situation, so I'm willing to answer any questions anyone here might need me to answer honestly and candidly, if anyone believes that he/she could help. I believe rectifying this situation may be vital to my marriage, or I wouldn't be posting here. I have disseminated all information that I think could be even remotely relevant, but again, I may have missed something.

    I thank anyone who responds in advance for his/her response. Please do not respond unless you have time to do so and responding is not taking you away from anything else, remember, my problems are not your problem...and I feel as though I am putting people out and am embarrassed by asking for help. Thank you, and I apologize.

    -Anonymous.
     
  2. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    I would like to take this time to add a few things in the interest of full disclosure. I imagine that I am not giving myself a very good chance of being helped with this issue if I withhold any known information.

    1.) I prefer masturbation.

    *Masturbation is clean and efficient. There are no, "Sex smells," that come as a derivative of masturbation. I can usually complete masturbation, from start to finish, in under one minute. If I have not successfully completed the process in under a minute, it's not happening. I also masturbate in the shower, so there is no cleanup and no residue. I will not masturbate anywhere else.

    *On the other hand, sex takes a minimum of fifteen minutes to complete, that's assuming already erect and no foreplay. If you add foreplay, then it takes longer. Sex is also not nearly as clean, there is sticky residue left behind from the lubricant AND the sex smell is pretty gross. I don't have any particular smell, nor does my wife, but together, there is a smell. The smell used to not bother me.

    2.) Psychological Crap (Please read all, don't be offended!)

    *I don't know what it is, but I feel a sense of pride that I have mentally elevated myself to a level at which sexuality has no impact on me. I take delight in the fact that I don't find anyone particularly attractive and that these, the most base and disgusting of human reactions, can go almost completely ignored by me. I'm not an animal.

    ***That's not to say that any of you are animals, because clearly I'm the abnormal one, here.

    *Anyway, when you feel the eyes of a woman upon you, whether it be the grocery store, or anywhere else, there's something refreshing about being able to shut her down with a look of disgust. I don't need to flirt back, I don't need to acknowledge the attractiveness of others.

    *Above it. That's really what it's all about, being above sex. It's a pretty good feeling to be above it. To look at this thing that is supposed to be the guiding force of who we are and a significant part of our lives, but to recognize that it is completely unnecessary to a meaningful existence, and thus, to take a piss all over it...

    That's not going to work, though.
     
  3. lbushwalker

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    Hi dude, well after the first post I would have suggested having your hormone levels checked but the second one gets to your real issue and it is a mental one.
    Frankly I pity your partner but at least you realize that the issue here is yours.
    On that basis in your place I would seek psychological assessment.
     
  4. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    To the OP, how long have you been married? And how much sexual experience did you have before you were married?
     
  5. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    I've considered it. Maybe I will have my hormones checked, anyway, the mental issue could be an escape hatch to give me an, "Out," so I wouldn't have to be embarrassed about low testosterone levels.

    That'd be pretty convoluted and f---ed up, but it would certainly be easier than this being a purely mental thing, so I'll probably get the hormones checked.

    If it's purely a mental thing, yuck, I'd love to avoid seeing a psych, if possible. I know they are not necessarily reliable, but I have taken no less than ten on-line assessments, and all have said I'm pretty balanced. From a psychological standpoint, I think this is my only problem.
     
  6. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    I've had quite varied sexual experience prior to being married, and I've been married for six years.

    Lifetime Stats:

    Serious Relationships (6+ mos): 5

    Sexual Partners (All the way): 14

    Sexual Partners (Almost all the way): +4

    Total Positions Attempted: 6

    Total Positions Regularly Used: 2

    One-Night Stands (or close): 3 out of 14

    Fetishes: None

    Anal: Never, either way.
     
  7. oldkid

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    Sorry... but I don't see yours as a testosterone or other medical problem. Does she want a divorce? If "yes", do it and go on with your life wanking. Maybe you need to give your wife freedom to experience sexual normality with someone else. With that, see a professional you are comfortable talking to, including religious if that's your comfort zone.
     
  8. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    She doesn't want a divorce, at this point. If she wanted a divorce, then I wouldn't put up any meaningful kind of fight. Everyone should be free to do what they want to do, so I wouldn't do anything to prevent a divorce.

    My wife is free to do whatever she wants with respect to experiencing sexual normality with someone else, and I am free to ask for a divorce if she does. It's up to her to decide whether an active sex life or our marriage is the more important of two things, but that said, it would be far easier if I just gave her an active sex life myself.

    Furthermore, I seriously doubt if she has considered cheating. We have children together, so it's very unlikely that she would pursue anything of any kind with anyone else unless we were actually divorced.

    I'm not religious and I don't subscribe to any particular faith. This is the second time seeing a professional has been suggested, I'm not saying I won't, but it would be a last resort.

    I would not go on with wanking if we got divorced. It would be irrelevant to me whether my stuff worked or not, therefore, I would have no reason to wank.

    Hopefully, HToad might be onto something, there must be a reason for the questions that HToad asked. Again, I was hoping to find some sort of help before resorting to professional help, but if it's absolutely necessary, then I will.
     
  9. HotForHoney

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  10. Insertnamehere

    Insertnamehere New Member

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    I don't believe that I have any emotional issues, I've always experienced a bit of emotional disassociation, but only mildly, according to any tests that I have taken. I don't believe I have changed in any regard except sexual.

    Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll certainly order that book later on tonight and see if it does any good.

    I don't know if I am complacent, or not, I just look at the process of sex as an admission of mental inferiority. It's a philosophical thing, at least, I think it is. I basically have to do what I have to do, which is get my sex drive back, but it doesn't change the fact that the sexual act is fundamentally pointless and a complete waste of time.
     
  11. Anotherday

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    Well, I'd say this, what is written above tells everything. It is quite confusing that in your original post you express that there is some problem with libido then you come forth with these statements/views on sex. It's obvious it is not "libido" at all from a physical standpoint. The only physical problem you may have is that masturbation is taking the place of sex with your partner to gain a release.

    I have no problem with your stance, though I'd consider it quite the odd one to have. Perhaps even a quasi fetish state of self control with a strong sense of self loathing.

    If you are truly worried about your relationship, truly care for your wife the only advice I can give is to get this out in the open with professional guidance.

    It is quite unfair for her to live in frustration without knowing how you truly feel about these things.

    Good luck
     
  12. HotForHoney

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    You might not think sex is emotional act/process but I'm pretty sure you wife does. I'm not suggesting you have mental issues, just you two need to reconnect as husband/wife
     
  13. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I don't know if I'm on to something, just trying to get a little more background. :)

    From you responses, given your varied sex life before marriage, I wonder if you are just bored with marital sex and perhaps marriage in general. It seems that around 6-7 years of marriage, when other things become more "important" in the marriage (kids, work, finances, etc.), the libido can be impacted. Part of the reason why the phrase "7 year itch" exists.

    Going from varied sexual experiences with many people prior marriage to sexual experiences with on person can become boring if mentally you aren't fully committed to focusing your sexual energy on your spouse.

    Before rushing off for a medical exam (nothing wrong with that, just not sure if that is the first thing I would check) - consider your marriage - how much is sex a priority and are you willing to make an effort, are either of you distracted by other things in your life, has your wife "changed" - e.g. weight, interests, how much non-sexual time do you spend together.

    You say "My wife is free to do whatever she wants with respect to experiencing sexual normality with someone else, and I am free to ask for a divorce if she does" - this indicates to me that you feelings have changed about her since you got married. This is not the response of someone trying to put the happiness of their spouse as a priority. Personally I couldn't feel that way about my wife if I still cared for her, wanted to lovingly sacrifice fore her, and desired to remained married. Also, though you say you don't have emotional issues, you cannot evaluate that - just as someone who is mentally ill is likely not to notice that either.

    I'm no professional, and going to one isn't a bad idea - my wife and I have done this and found it very worthwhile. I think your lack of libido, based on your responses, is more a symptom of root cause relationship and marriage issues rather than medical.
     
  14. Verycuriouscouple

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    Very well said! I agree on all points!!
     
  15. Silverfox

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    *I don't know what it is, but I feel a sense of pride that I have mentally elevated myself to a level at which sexuality has no impact on me. I take delight in the fact that I don't find anyone particularly attractive and that these, the most base and disgusting of human reactions, can go almost completely ignored by me. I'm not an animal.*




    This statement is what struck me the most. I think the issue you should examine is why you feel this way. Homo Sapiens is an animal and we have animal urges written in our genes. We're one of the few species of mammals that has recreational sex. Sexuality is part of what we are. Its as natural as breathing.

    I think my advice would be to examine why you feel yourself "mentally elevated" and why you find your sexuality to be "base and disgusting". I really think you're going to have to have some talk therapy to better understand yourself.
     
    #15 Silverfox, Nov 9, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2013