kids and divorce....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 12barblues, Apr 15, 2012.

  1. 12barblues

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    looking for your thoughts here...my ex has made it clear that she needs my kids to hate my gf. my ex cant take responsibility for our break up. she and i are the reason we're not together. not anyone else. But she has to blame somebody...... anyway she puts our kids in this bad situation where my kids really like my gf. especially my daughter.who likes doing crafts and painting with her...But when they go home, they have to tell their mom that they hate my gf...and that they just "dont talk to her" when i have them...i want to tell my ex to stop being a child, but my kids have asked me not to because they have to live with her and they cant take the guilt that my ex lays on them for wanting to be with me or actually liking my gf. my son told his mom that he liked being with me and wanted to spend more time with me and she actually accused him of "turning on her" and "how could you do that" My daughter asked me to bring my gf to her softball game, but asked me not to tell her mom that she wants her there...this sorta thing is causing all sorts of problems here, my poor gf that has to be kept in the shadows because my kids dont want their mom to know they actually like her...
    Any of you have any advice for how to deal with this without hurting the kids further?
     
  2. BigTitLover

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    My ex is the same way. Been divorced 4.5 years. Have yet to find a way to deal with it and not involve the kids.

    My oldest is 13, and is now old enough to see the crap her mom pulls and understand how stupid it is.

    Upside for me is that I have primary custody, and she only has them every other weekend. So the time they spend with their mom is limited. But its enough to mess with their heads.
     
  3. Clintriprock

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    My ex is the same. It will just have to run its course. It's total b s but there isn't much you can do about it
     
  4. 12barblues

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    well we're still working out custody....im a very involved father. always worked from home and was always there, im working towards joint custody, week on week off thing...for now , i just got moved into a house that was big enough , with bedrooms for my kids, and i only have them every other weekend and every wednesday they spend the night here...
     
  5. Texas_Red

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    This is the biggest reason I am for pre-nup agreements. In the end it's a matter of doing shit while you're on friendly terms in the hopefully unlikely case shit goes south, that way there's no ugly fighting and treating the kids like rope in a nasty tug o war.

    Sadly, since you're still in proceedings and such regarding custody, my only advice isn't helpful, and that's to tell her to grow the fuck up, stop being a selfish cunt, and stop treating the kids that way.
     
  6. 12barblues

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    i want to tell her exactly that...but to do so lets her know my kids have been lying to her...and in effect puts them right in the middle again.....but i know i have to.. soooo..
     
  7. Texas_Red

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    It's a really shitty place to be in, because no matter what you do she's going to treat the kids that way, which is horrible. Sadly you'll probably have to bring it up in court with the custody stuff. It's not good for the kids mental or emotional welfare for her to be doing this, and that is paramount.
     
  8. zombieguy13

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    I'd agree with bringing it up in court. She doesn't sound like a stable mother if she's making her children hate another person based on the fact that she's jealous and unhappy. I mean does she have no consideration for her children at all? Is she the type that only cares about herself and what she gets? Sounds to me like you should have full custody and once she straightens her shit out then MAYBE she should have supervised visits.
    As for right now, I'd maybe explain to them that they should be themselves and honest regardless of how it makes mommy feel. Depending on how old they are the situation they're in now could possibly turn into a trend down the line.
    To sum up, your ex doesn't sound like she's any good for your children, and I would get them away from her as fast as possible.
    Just my 2 cent. Hope it works out for you.
     
  9. 12barblues

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    as always there s more to it than just what ive posted...for the most parrt shes a good mom, very attentive , very involved in their school....and much more financially sound than i am...she just does these really immature things emotionally.....that end up hurting the kids...a typical response from her about this would be " if you wouldnt have left, the kids wouldnt be in this situation in the first place" nevermind that she's bi ploar and almost impossible to live with.....god knows i tried, for 30 friggin years...i tried.
     
  10. RideNaked2

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    I feel for you 12BB. Although this same didn't happen in my divorce...I have seen first hand what it can do to kids and any relationships they themselves may have down the road.

    I would agree that the ex is probably not the best influence for the kids and depending on their ages, they really need to be encouraged to be themselves.

    As far as the ex...keep a regular log of things that you know are FACT that you have witnessed her saying/doing to the kids. You may need it later depending on how the custody issue goes.

    Good luck!!!
     
  11. 12barblues

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    thank you for all the input everybody....:)
     
  12. RideNaked

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    As bad as it sounds, Zombie is right. There's no reason that the kids should lie to their mother. It's very important for them to be honest about this situation. the sooner the kids learn how to deal with the divorce, the better, and this situation is one of those things.

    Personally, I was the "boyfriend" in our relationship, and the kids themselves, especially the youngest, felt that they couldn't "like" me and "like" their father. I don't believe it was ever put upon them by their father, however. The worst thing, from my viewpoint, is that the children of divorce most often feel that they are in some way or another "responsible" for the failed marriage. Having one parent, such as your ex, playing the blame game only heightens this feeling, IMhO.

    A little off subject, but I've noticed with R's kids that they most often tend to bond to each other rather than one or the other parent. While there is nothing wrong with this, they often failed to look beyond themselves for solace/counseling, thinking they were the only kids in the world with parent issues. It has made it much more difficult for them to deal with their family's demise. Surprisingly, it's the oldest daughter (now 25 y.o.) who has had the most problems, and R pays the price constantly...

    T
     
  13. 12barblues

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    the weird thing...and good thing about all this...? my kids are both more mature than their mom about everything...my 8 yr old floors me with her insights on all this....
     
  14. Berend

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    As RN said, document everything. When a friend of mine was going through his divorce, he asked me and a few other close friends to write a letter stating why we believed he was such a good father. I didn't slam his ex, I just told why I felt he was such a good dad. Perhaps you could do something similar.

    After my parents' divorce, my mom talked shit about my dad all the time, but dad never said a bad word about her. Any comment he made about her in my presence was positive. No matter what an ass your ex is, please don't stoop to her level. Don't make the kids "choose".
     
  15. 12barblues

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    i have taken the high road so far...but i have told her to stop or at some point i will have to defend myself to the kids..and doing so would involve telling them what she did to make me decide to leave and i really dont think they need to know that stuff...
     
  16. Dragon_Fire

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    I have similar troubles with my ex. He actually tore into my daughter once because he overheard her friend say "Your dad's here!" when my boyfriend showed up when she was on the phone.

    My ex threatened my boyfriend with a knife in front of my daughter and I broke it up by hurling out the door. I called the police but because my ex is disabled they only cared about damage to my boyfriend's car, not the attempted assault. They figured he couldn't have been serious or I wouldn't have been able to chuck him out.

    The system here blocks attempts to get into court regarding child access these days and force you to attend mediation after mediation. You only make it to court in extreme circumstances.

    Most of my hassle have lessened as my ex no longer shows up on my doorstep and my partner stays out of his sight but it does make school concerts and stuff difficult.
     
  17. RideNaked2

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    12BB, wait as long as you can to share those details with your children. I would expect they are having a hard enough time right now with what your ex is doing. Just a thought...is there anything you can tell them that will pacify (so to speak) it for now?

    Again, good luck and document, document document (slutfairy needs to document as well if she has anything to add).