just not into it...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by BiBiBaby, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    I went through and read some old threads but none of them really seemed to get to the point of how I'm feeling so I had to start a new one... the long and short of it really is...

    I can't figure out why I'm not into sex lately.

    Its driving my boyfriend a little bit batty. When we have sex is usually great, and he is definitly making sure I know that he wants me. But when I'm in bed I just want to sleep, and if he tries to make advances on me I get very annoyed and it often ends up in a fight. If we're out in public he will often flirt with me and make me want him so badly but by the time we get home its like a switch has flipped and I just want him away from me

    I used to have a very high libido and he didn't complain about lack of sex but it just hasn't been that way lately. I love him VERY much, he makes me happier than I ever thought I could be, and I want to make him happy too, but if I have sex just because he wants it I end up feeling worse after the fact.

    You guys are always very good at asking the right questions it seems to help find the right anwer...so maybe if you could psychobabblize me a little bit, I might be able to get things back on the right track
     
  2. mkm

    mkm New Member

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    First off how long have you been dating your boyfriend? Have you had any bad experiences lately or have heard or seen something that would put you out of your sexual mood?

    Maybe you had too much sex that maybe you need to just take a little break from it. Also do you foreplay at all but don't feel like having intercourse?
     
  3. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I am male so I can't help you figure out why you feel that way, but I am in the same exact position with my g/f... so maybe I can give you an idea of how he is feeling. Maybe something I write can help... hopefully.

    My g/f was pretty wild when we met and we had sex in alot of public places.. even at her parents house and sisters.. she actually jumped me at her sisters and said she couldnt take it anymore and needed me inside her. That was pretty crazy considering anyone could of walked in on us.

    Our sex life was very, very good.

    Then last Summer... I'm not sure when, things started to nosedive.

    She didn't initate sex anymore... and when I initated, she had a list of excuses why she didn't want to have sex.

    I let it go for awhile.. then finally told her how it was making me feel. She apologized and cried, etc. Then promised to try harder.. that lasted a week.. if that. Then after a month I had another talk with her... and this cycle has been going on for well over a year now.

    She said it has nothing to do with me (which is exactly what I'm sure you are telling your b/f)... but it is hard not to feel like I am doing something wrong.

    I've told her how I feel like she is taking me for granted now that "she has me" and it feels to me like she figures she doesn't have to make an effort anymore.

    It is very frustrating and at times I've sat around and thought about breaking up with her... but we really love each other and I know she just needs to work though this.

    It eats at me alot... its hard when she keeps rejecting me when I try to initate things... each time it happens I build up more and more frustration and anger towards her.

    I had another talk with her a couple of weeks ago and she initated sex 3 times since then... which is more than she has done in the last 6 months.

    So I finally feel like my patience is starting to pay off.

    If this just started with you... it could take awhile until you get your sex drive back.

    I can tell you right now he is probably pretty resentful towards you...

    I'm not sure how patient your b/f is, but you are going to need alot of patience and love from him. He is going to get really pissed off when you keep rejecting him... so I suggest you keep explaining how you feel and keep reassuring him how much you love him.

    I wish I could tell you how to get your sex drive back... but my g/f still isn't back to being herself... so I have no answer for that.
     
  4. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    We've been together 4 years. And no, there really isn't anything I can think of that was a specific starting point to this...A lot of times I'm not even in the mood for foreplay, and if we do have foreplay and I get off from it it dramatically shortens the amount of time I'm up for having actual intercourse.


    Fliteskates, I really appreciate your honesty and your side of the story. He and I have talked about it, and often times I end up crying as well. I feel guilty that I can't satisfy him the way I used to. Its not that I don't want him to be satisfied (I'm not trying to be vindictive) but I just can't bring myself to have sex. I've been trying not to make excuses because its definitly a me thing, but he is taking it hard and I know that.

    It actually got to the point where he went to a female friend he trusts because he needed to talk, he was considering cheating on me just to get laid (she had cheated in the past and he knew he could trust her to talk him out of it) He told me that and it absolutely tore me up inside. I love him so much I don't want him to have to go outside our relationship to get the things he needs...although if he does I guess I'll have to understand



    The worst part of it all is, its not that I'm not horny, because often times I am. I just don't want to have sex, at least not with him. And thats the part that concerns me the most. I love him so much, and he and I plan to get married, but I'm 22 and he keeps saying that he wants me to be young and have fun so that I don't regret anything as long as I'm with him I will remain monogamous because its what I believe is right but I can't help but wonder sometimes what it would be like to be with someone else (*hopes he doesn't read this because she hasn't exactly talked to him about that particular thought yet*)
     
  5. ulis

    ulis New Member

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    I feel for you, and your boyfriend. I am in a similar situation, my girlfriend was raped years ago and our sex life was hurt because of it.

    Now we are broken up for a while so that she can figure her shit out. Maybe thats what you need to do? Im not telling you to break up with him, and I dont even know if its going to work for my situation but that is where we are at right now. Just a thought.

    I hope all ends up well and keep us posted. I am in the same situation as your boyfriend so I want to see how it works out.
     
  6. AnonymousOne

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    Might I pose a question? Oh I just did ... AAAAAaaanyway...

    You said he flirts with you when you're out, does he flirt when you get home?

    You said that usually you just want to sleep when you two hit the sack. What about trying sex over the couch and NOT at night? try and rekindle the sex life during the day and perhaps it will spread to the night?

    I mean after all, anyone who works a full day is beat when they come home. Tiredness is understandable so make an effort to try and mutually get into the mood during the day and when there is plenty of energy.

    The fantasy of sex outside a relationship is not that uncommon and I wouldn't let it weigh on your mind too heavily.

    Just some things to think about.

    -A1
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    Yeah, like A-1 says, when you're sleepy isn't the time to have sex. My wife and I almost always have sex in the morning/daytime, because she's too tired after a long day at work. I am too, if I'm tired.

    Have you started taking b/c pills or any other kind of meds? Some really take the libido to all new lows.
     
  8. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    I wish daytime sex were an option. His schedule rotates, when he works earlier it means he's gone by 7:30, I'm not usually awake.

    when he works late he sleeps in (because he's up late) and therefore I'm often gone to class before he wakes up.

    between him working (sales LONG HOURS), me being a full time students, and me working, there just isnt much time except after about 930 pm if i dont have homework

    not to mention the fact that I dont live with him.

    as far as BC...same one i've been on since I started dating him

    And no, he doesn't really flirt with me much at home. Because we are rarely home...except Sundays, and thats chore day with no exceptions, if we dont do the chores and errands they dont get done for the week and we are SOL

    I'm not trying to bat down your guys's ideas here, I really appreciate the input... I've just been reading this forum long enough that I've thought of a lot of these... I mean maybe I AM over analyzing...but I miss being intimate with him, I just dont want to have sex
     
  9. AnonymousOne

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    Oh well when it comes to HW vs. Sex ... Sex wins.
     
  10. jgood4u

    jgood4u New Member

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    Let's psychobabblize you

    Well, let's see if we can psychobabblize:lol just a little. You gave us an overview of the problem, now can you give some details from inside your mind? Take us through from where he starts to indicate to you he wants sex, and explain in detail what the action point are (what he does, what you do) and fill in just what is going on in your mind at each point along the way.
    • What pops into your head when sex starts to become the topic?
    • Do you feel any guilt or shame about having faked an orgasm with him in the past?
    • Do you have any fear or concerns that you might not be able to perform, or has sex been painful with him at some point?
    • Do you recall anything he said or did during a previous sex time that left a negative impression that comes back to your mind now?
    • Is there anything about him, his body, his penis, his voice, his looks, his smell, anything that you realize you are noticing?
    • Is there anything about your body, our vulva, your breasts, your kisses, anything that you think might not feel sexy to you and to him?
    • Do you feel any guild or shame about some part of the sex you might be having?
    • Has he every suggested something sexual you don't feel comfortable with?
    • Have you ever asked him to do something he didn't like or ridiculed you for suggesting it?
    • Do you have any fear that someone else might find out about your having sex that would disapprove of what you are doing?
    Since this is an inside (your head) problem, we have got to see inside (your head) to begin to know where to go with this.
     
  11. Bluesy

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    Do you see what happened here? A person who respects you isn't going to emotionally blackmail you into having sex with them. You don't have to say, "Fuck me or I go elsewhere" to imply that it's a distinct possibility. This is emotionally abusive behavior. Now he has you fretting that if you don't satisfy his sexual needs, you're going to be replaced. Psychologically healthy men do not resort to such coercive tactics, and I'm thinking that if he's pulling this shit with you, there has to be an ongoing element of emotional abuse in your interactions. If I were you, I'd talk to a counselor about your situation...you need a trained professional to help you work through this. Psychobabblizing cannot replace the real deal.

    I have got a few webpages bookmarked on how to recognize emotional abuse (believe it or not, it really does slip under the radar most of the time, unless you know specifically what to look for). Drop me a PM if you'd like the links.

    Yeah, no wonder. A woman's libido is programmed to shut down during times of emotional stress, and I'd have to say that your relationship has probably been wreaking all kinds of havoc with your well-being.
     
  12. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    First off let me say that I have been going through this ordeal for almost a year and half and I have never once thought about cheating on my g/f to satisfy my needs.

    I thought of breaking up with her, yes.. but cheating is never acceptable.

    So don't ever accept the fact he HAS to cheat... that is just a BS excuse. When you love someone, you stick by them through the hard times. If you stay together, there will be a point when you have to deal with his issues.. be it a mid life crisis... ED... etc.

    When you said you feel horny, but you don't want to have sex with him.. that struck a nerve with me. That is how I feel with my g/f....

    She has this huge crush on Tom Brady (QB for the NE Patriots) and she said during one of our talks that it wasn't me and she wouldnt even want to have sex if she where with Tom Brady.

    Which I thought.. uh yeah ok.... not sure if I really believed her.

    Its hard to take because I am in really good shape.. I run 4 miles a day.. I lift.. I am pretty ripped... and I am a caring lover... I dress well... there doesn't seem to be much else I can do to change things and stoke her fires so to speak... that I haven't already tried...

    I could see if I was a fat slob who let myself go... and I wore T shirts with holes and stains in them... stuff to that effect...

    It is hard not to feel like she has lost interest in me because we have been together so long...

    I guarantee he is feeling this way as well.

    My g/f had been with enough other guys that it isn't a problem (her wondering about being with other guys).

    But perhaps that is what your problem is.. maybe you are bored with your b/f... it is possible.

    In the last month or so I decided to just be myself with my g/f.

    I do all the things I used to do, before these problems started. I didn't touch her or kiss her as much as I used to... because I felt like there was no point.

    She obviously noticed and asked me this past Summer why I don't kiss her as much anymore... I didn't really have an answer.

    So now I am making a real effort to kiss her alot every day.. I put my hand on her face and stroke it as we kiss.. I cuddle with her in bed and let her lay on my chest... I stroke her back when we wake up in the mornings... I come up behind her when she is in the kitchen and hold her around the waist and kiss her neck...

    I just realized I can't stop being me around her... by not doing all the little things I used to do.. it won't exactly fan the flames of passion again.

    So I am doing my part... and this is the kind of stuff your b/f is going to have to accept.

    It took me awhile.. and there is no doubt about it.. it is extremely difficult to deal with. But when you love someone, you need to make sacrifices and be very, very patient with her (him).

    The one thing that has helped (sexually) through this whole thing, is that my g/f gives me alot of handjobs. I never want to force her to have sex, so when she is not in the mood I ask for a handjob and she is always willing to do that.

    So maybe that is something you can do for him, until your sex drive comes back.
     
  13. Bluesy

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    Fliteskates, have you thought about starting your own thread on this subject? It just seems to me that you have a lot you need to get off your chest, and maybe if you went into more detail about your problems, others might have some sound advice for you.

    It just occurred to me that you haven't mentioned how frequently the two of you do have sex. It's actually very normal to go at like rabbits in the beginning of a relationship, with the sex tapering to maybe twice a week after a while. This is what most long-term couples average. That's when people begin to shift their focus to the quality rather than quantity (and, yes, younger men usually have to supplement their routine with regular masturbation). The thing is, men sexually peak at 18, and libido gradually decreases over time. Women sexually peak at 35...so it's fairly common for there to be a disjunct in libido, with some men in their 20's being sex maniacs due to the overwhelming influence of peaking levels of testosterone. This is when two people in a loving relationship have to make compromises, with women agreeing to have sex at least twice a week and men developing more realistic expectations. Now, I realize that I say this having no idea how often the two of you are going at it, so take it with a grain of salt.

    ETA: I should add that you sound like a loving bf (your gf is very lucky to have someone so thoughtful and compassionate to share life with!), and I think it's great that she gives you HJs whenever you ask.
     
    #13 Bluesy, Nov 22, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
  14. cook74

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    BiBiBaby and Fliteskates, My sexual relationship with my wife to be is pretty much the same as yours.

    Our sex life has dwindled from four times a week two years ago to barely once a fortnight these days, if we're lucky.

    For me (having a high libido) it has been hell at times BUT this woman is my life and whatever issues/hurdles we have to deal with, we will.

    I was at first, when the sex started to become less frequent, selfish, but I eventually cleared my head of all that bullshit and decided that my partner deserved someone that cared more about her, rather than just seeing her as a sexual partner.


    I still miss the times when, as soon as we laid eyes on each other we would be naked and... But shit, I'm no horny teen any more, and at least now whenever I do get some action it is extra special.

    Hopefully one day we can both be laid back, stress free, and get our old sex life back again. Until then... when she's not in the mood I just build a bridge...
     
  15. Bluesy

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    I know what'll give you a ray of hope. She has yet to hit her sexual peak...:brow
     
  16. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Bluesy,

    I am lucky enough to have good friends and family to talk about these kind of problems with. Hopefully BiBibaby doesn't think I am trying to jack her thread - because I wrote what I did because I just felt for her and thought that sharing a male perspective may help her, albeit just a little. But you never know where an answer can be found, right?

    Things have also gotten alot better the past month or so as I explained. But it is a long road and both her and her b/f need to be prepared.

    There is probably no easy answer or quick fix.

    To answer your question - we have sex a few times a week. I expected a drop off in sex over time. It is the quality of the sex has gone way downhill. I know many times my g/f was just having sex for my sake - which I didn't want.

    I literally have cummed in 5-10 mins just because I felt like it was a chore to her. So why drag it out? .... that isn't a good feeling obviously.

    It also became a burden to have sex because I had to always initiate it... so it made me feel like I was bothering her and forcing her to do something she didn't want to do.

    So Bibibaby, even if you do have sex with your b/f and you don't really want to, he is going to sense it.

    Perhaps you could try and initate sex maybe once a week when you are feeling horny... it would show your b/f you do still want him.

    Believe me when I say that could be a huge deal to him.

    Hopefully the ladies in this forum will have a female perspective of how to get your sex drive revved up again.
     
  17. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    Bluesy...although I appreciate your concern, I'm familiar with emotional abuse (and its resources) from prior relationships. What he meant when we had the conversation about cheating is that he felt emotionally as well as physically neglected at the time. That was a few months ago and we did a LOT of serious talking and things got better in both areas for a while. Then my sex drive trailed off again.

    I've always found that when I need to have a talk with him about sexual issues its easiest to do it when I'ev got my period because a lot of the pressure is off....And I know that talking to him and working with him is going to answer the problem in th elong run, so thats what I'm doing again. So far he's been a LOT more understanding than I really expected at this point. I know he loves me as much as I love him, and we'll get through this, its just in the mean time I'm getting seroiusly upset with myself (which obviously doesnt help things)

    Flite, thanks again for your male perspective. It does help a lot...

    I'll try to keep you guys posted if I have any revelations