Just need to vent

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Mar 11, 2007.

  1. Barbwire

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    When I met my husband, 11 years ago, he was in the middle of a divorce and had been jolted pretty hard. (His wife left him for a woman.) We had quite a bit of sex, as is normal in a new relationship, but it was not particularly good. He came very quickly, and I attributed it to the fact that he might be overly excited to be with a woman that liked dick.

    About two years after we met, we had a baby. (oops) During the pregnancy, and the first year after the baby was born, I gained a total of 110#. I had sunk into a deep depression, and that, combined with the weight, made me not want to have sex. When we had sex, he came very quickly. I figured it was because he almost never got any.

    Last year, I made some major life changes and lost 60#. I was working out, had gone off all of my medications, (I had a lot of issues associated with being morbidly obese.) and was feeling like my old self again........horny, horny, horny. My husband and I had more sex, but had the same issue, he came too fast. BUT, a new issue had popped up, he has lost interest in sex, it seemed.

    In the past several months he has done a lot of things to sabotage my continued weight loss and exercise program and has given me nothing but excuses in the bedroom. I want sex all the time now, and I am lucky if I get it once every couple of weeks.

    What am I doing wrong? I am trying so hard to look better, and turn him on, but he does not want me. When he does oral on me, he pressures me to come quickly, I do, and he hops on and it's over in less than 10 strokes. He will not make any effort to get me to come again, and I am often left alone in the bedroom, with my vibe, as he sits in the living room watching sports.

    I find myself not even wanting him any more, because I know the sex feels loveless, rushed and unfulfilling. I try to expel some of my sexual energy with cyber nookie and lots of "self love", but it's not enough. I feel like I am loosing it. What the heck am I doing wrong?

    Oh, I forgot to mention, after 3 years of having issues with ED, he finally, just 2 years ago, went on pills to help with that. The pills do get him hard, but do nothing for the PE, or lack of libido.
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I sent you a message hun...
     
  3. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I almost hate to answer to one of the regulars here
    As I sometimes feel you and the rest of the regular posters know as much
    or more about life and love as I do.
    But I can give you encouragement and a little advice.
    You say that you have lost 60 lbs, Good, now keep it up, Maybe it wont help
    your Husband but I'm sure it will help your own self esteem .
    And their is a lot of Women that comes here to vent about the same thing
    as you well know, I'm glad I have the opposite problem.
    And the loss of desire on His part. I would ordinarily say was a hormonal problem but
    that would be far from true as you say He cums really fast when you do have
    sex, And from reading your posts here I would say it sure ain't because
    you are not sexy enough.
    But do keep trying and keep loosing weight, And maybe get some cyber sex here
    at least enough to give you something to dream about when you
    use that vibe.
     
  4. smallpackage

    smallpackage New Member

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    There is a good chance you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Is he stressed out about work? Is he depressed? Do you do anything to make him feel sexy or wanted?
     
  5. Barbwire

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    Hiker, thank you for your thoughts. I just feel that I have been kicked in the stomach in a way. I mean, I was on such a high when I was going to the gym 5-6 times a week, eating right, and dropping weight like crazy. Then I looked at my marriage and realized nothing had changed, and my mood started taking a nose dive. I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that he doesn't seem to want me anymore or that he continues to bring home foods that are really bad for me, knowing I eat when I feel unloved. I don't mean to put the blame on him, but would you bring booze home to your alcoholic spouse when they were struggling to quit?

    Small Package, yes, he is very stressed at work right now because he's a CPA. Busy season is not year round, though. Is he depressed? I don't really know, he doesn't open up much. I do know that his doctor wanted him to go on an anti-depressant for his PE. My husband refuses to take it because he saw how anti-depressants affected me.

    Do I do anything to make him feel sexy and wanted? Well, I used to try real hard, I was on him like a bee on a flower, showing him how much I wanted him, and telling him. I made a big effort to appear sexier to him, I bought some new lingerie and clothes, got my first mani/pedicure and made sure I was looking my best when he got home from work. I tried being more aggressive in bed, then more passive, I tried talking more, talking less, massaging, candles, lots of unexpected blow jobs, just anything I could think of.

    When I saw it made no difference, I just gradually stopped doing all of these things.
     
  6. smallpackage

    smallpackage New Member

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    I think anyone would stop trying if he didn't respond. It's hard to say for sure, but it sounds like the issue is with him, not you. He sounds very depressed based on what you are saying here. Does he get out with his guy friends much? Does he exercise or go outside much? If you say no to both of those, I would suggest you two go to counseling. You both deserve to be happy, and it sounds like that is eluding the both of you.

    *hugs* and good luck!
     
  7. Barbwire

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    A couple of months ago, I just could not take it anymore and I had a talk with him about how unhappy I was. I told him I thought we should go to counseling. He said he'd look into if the insurance would cover it, found out it wouldn't, and decided it was too expensive. Instead, he took me away for a weekend for my birthday and we were supposed to talk things out. Well, that never happened, and nothing has been brought up since.



     
  8. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    Hello Cowboy lover, Wow! it took a lot of guts to post that and I admire you for that. It is almost ironic as I could be your husband right now whereas I seem to be going thru the same thing with my wife. Our sex life has come to just what you describe and I must say it is a problem that I have to deal with myself. My wife has put on several pounds that actually has just turned me off. She has mentioned, oh I like being old and fat! What's up with that. Keep up the weight loss training! I actually purchased a treadmill, set it up and started using it. My wife is now using it and really getting into getting fit, YES! One problem I have is seeing "SO MANY" beautiful women in my job it actually drives me nuts! and I want some of that stuff! BAD! Do you think there is another women he is seeing or even just flirting with? This will make a difference, beleive me I know. What kind of shape is he in? Wait till tax time is over and see if there is a change in him, stress wise.
    Good luck
    Hugs and Kiss
     
  9. cbrmale

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    From the time you met your now husband, he has PE problems, and this is something that might have been best addressed 11 years ago than now. And then you put on weight, had infrequent sex, and I wonder what your husband thought. Perhaps he found you unattractive, or perhaps because you let yourself go, he felt betrayed.

    Men can be complex, and we don't talk about our issues as much as we should. But as a man who likes to think deeply, I feel that losing weight over the course of a year is not necessarily a panacea for deeper relationship issues that have a long history.

    There are a dozen different causes for him to lose interest, from him not being satisifed with thirty-second sex, to feeling resentment at your weight gain in the past, perhaps resentment that is highlighted by you subsequently losing weight. If she lost weight last year, why not several years ago?

    You can only talk it through, and find out from him why he has lost interest. As for coming too quickly, about one-quarter of the threads on this forum are on this subject, and there are many hints and tips from men on how to deal with it.

    It is unfortunate the counselling in the US is expensive, but this is the ultimately best option. Other than that, you do need to put some time to one side and talk it through together.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    Jaguar: Thank you for your support Jag, it means a lot to me. I am sorry to hear you are having similar issues, but am glad to hear things might be looking up with the help of the treadmill.

    I don't know if my husband is seeing or flirting with anyone, he doesn't seem the type to me, he's very honest and trustworthy, and not flirty by nature. He is not is great shape, in fact he's gained 20# since we married and has stopped playing sports altogether, when before he used to play softball, bowl and golf. He complains a lot that he is feeling unfit, yet won't do anything about it. ( I cannot fault him on that, I've been that way.)

    cbrmale: I am trying hard to get past the phrase you used in your post.."let yourself go". I was angry at first, but then I realized I may not have explained a line I used in my first post, "I had sunk into a deep depression." Before I met my husband I was 100% self sufficient and working hard, fit as a fiddle and in total control of my life. Two short years later, I found myself dependent on him for everything, and trying to raise a baby that I had never thought I would have, and in a situation where it was impossible for me to work at the job I was trained in. I could go on and on, about how and why I gained the weight, but I will tell you this, I did not "let myself go". MY "self" was torn from me, shredded to pieces, then set on fire.

    There is more I would like to add, but I have to get on with my day now. I will try to come back and add more later.
     
  11. Stormy

    Stormy New Member

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    I don't know what to suggest chick. Except to say its your husband with the problem. You've tackled, and overcome, your demons. And well done you! If he can't or won't face up to whatever his issues are, there's not a lot you can do. You can't force him.

    Its occurred to me that perhaps he feels threatened now by the new you? You said his first wife left him. For another woman no less. I wonder if she had the same issues with him you have?
     
  12. Barbwire

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    Well, I rode my horse, and it cleared my head, as it always does. I've got nothing to add to this thread, it's just too much to get into, and noone can really help me but myself, when it really gets down to it.
     
  13. Funseeker

    Funseeker New Member

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    If you are improving yourself, and not getting support, then that person is worried that you will improve to the point of not needing them anymore. Thus, they will sabotage anything you do.

    Sounds like an assertion/confidence issue to me.
     
  14. SexyScorp

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    Yes.....

    I can only agree with the above comments....

    HE has the issues.....not you...

    Maybe like so many other couples, you have outgrown each other....

    Maybe you need to honour yoursef and your needs....

    You can either stay in a cold marriage or try and get your needs met elsewhere....

    Keep up the cyrbersex.......who knows, if things dont work out between you and hubbie.....you can meet your cyber lover/s

    It depends on who long you are prepared to sacrifice a huge part of you which needs to be acknowledged....

    The Godess in you....so to speak...

    :)
     
  15. NaughtyKnickers

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    CL, you're on hell of a woman to share this kind of a situation; one that's surely hurtful and frustrating beyond what any of us can fully understand, having not been in your shoes.

    :tup to you for taking care of yourself and your body; you deserve to feel good about your progress and changes. Although it must be terribly disappointing to receive so little support from him; how heart breaking! :(
    All the best with your husband, I am no expert to offer advice to your situation, but I sure hope things work out for you
    I truly respect your efforts. Best of luck.
     
  16. SexyScorp

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    There are too many women out there who just put up and shut up......

    Times are a changing.....

    We dont need to go "without" anymore.....we can stand up and be counted...

    The Goddess is arising!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  17. Bluesy

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    Just my humble little opinion... If I was having marital problems and discovered that my spouse was acting out via cybersex (and people have a way of knowing, if only on an intuitive level, that their partner is getting their attention elsewhere), that would just piss me off and make matters worse.

    Some people are very accepting of their partner utilizing such an outlet, and I can respect that. It's when things are done secretly that an already tense situation is compounded.

    I vote for marriage counseling, even if you have to remortgage the house to do it. If you love each other, truly love each other, you've got to start working to salvage things before it's too late. Best wishes!
     
  18. Adramalech

    Adramalech New Member

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    Yes i'm new and I don't really *know* you. But this is just my $.02. Work out! Seriously. When the two of you go for a run or lift weights together you really get that blood pumping and well, it just draws people in closer. Also, have you considered suppliments such as Maca root and Yohimbe? Sometimes, when the other person sees what is making you happy it will motivate them to do it more. Or at least improve on it.
     
  19. Barbwire

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    Thank you for all of your replies, you have given me a lot to think about.
     
  20. The Mistress

    The Mistress New Member

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