Jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ninja08hippie, Sep 16, 2011.

  1. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    I'll try to post new jokes every day



    Did you hear that alcohol has trace amounts of female hormones? They did a study where they gave a bunch of men alcohol, all of them started talking illogically and became bad drivers.


    Did you hear that the captain of the Titanic was a Republican? He was told there were icebergs ahead, he said "Stay the course."


    How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?
    Enough to kill two and a half men.


    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


    If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
     
  2. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    The other week I stayed in the Newark Newark hotel in Vegas. It's kind of like the New York New York, but they steal your towels.


    McDonalds is teaming up with Microsoft to come up with a pocket computer. Their reasoning for the collaboration is that anything is pocket size if you ass is big enough.


    According to relativity, space and time are the same thing. The other day I was 2 miles late for a meeting.


    "long story short" is a phrase whose origins are long and rambling
     
  3. Hot Wheels

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    A man walked out into the street and hails a taxi going by , he gets into the taxi , and the taxi driver says , " Perfect timing , you're just like Brian ".

    Passenger : " Who ? "

    Taxi Driver : " Brian , he's a guy with perfect timing , like me coming along when you needed a taxi , things happen like that to Brian , every single time ".

    Passenger : " Well , there are always a few clouds over everbody ".

    Taxi Driver : " Not Brian , he was a terrific athlete , he could golf with the pros , he could have won the Grand Slam at tennis , he sang like an opera
    baritone and danced like Fred Astaire , and you should have heard him play the piano , an amazing fellow ".

    Passenger : " Sounds like he was something special ".

    Taxi Driver : " Yeah , he had a memory like a computer , he remembered everybody's birthday , he knew all about wine , which foods to order , and
    which fork to eat them with , he could fix anything , not like me , I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out , but Brian , he could do everything
    right ".

    Passenger : " Wow , some bloke then ".

    Taxi Driver : " You're not kidding , he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams , not like me , I always seem to get stuck
    in them , but Brian , he never made a mistake , and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good , he would never answer back
    even if she was in the wrong , and his clothes were always immaculate , shoes highly polished too , he was a perfect man , he never made a
    mistake , never ; No one could ever measure up to Brian ".

    Passenger : " An amazing fellow , how did you meet him ".

    Taxi Driver : " Well , I never actually met Brian , he died , I married his fuckin' widow ". :ugh
     
  4. wht1zzfe

    wht1zzfe New Member

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    What's the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

    They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

    This is so stupid, but I laughed so hard.
     
  5. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    My friend broke his leg and wanted me to sign his cast. I signed it "you are an asshole" just so that I could say I added insult to injury and mean it literally.


    Saying "I'm sorry" is equivalent to saying "I apologize" except at a funeral.


    Whenever I'm at a wedding older people always tell me that I'm next. So I started doing the same thing at funerals.


    A female virgin was on a ship and it was going down. The lifeboats were gone, and it was just her an a small group of people accidentally left behind. She stood up and announced that "before I die, I want one of you men to make me feel like a woman." A handsome muscular guy stood up and took off his shirt revealing a chiseled upper body. She said "you'll do." He handed her the shirt and told her to iron it.


    Peeing in the pool is not the same as peeing into the pool.


    I go to this voodoo acupuncturist. It's great because you don't have to actually go, you just need to give them a clip of your hair.
     
    #5 ninja08hippie, Sep 18, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011
  6. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    In America, you can always find a party.
    In Soviet Russia, Party always find you!

    In America, you watch television.
    In Soviet Russia, television watch you!

    In America, your job determines your marks.
    In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!



    In Soviet Russia, you rob banks.
    In capitalist America, banks rob you!
     
  7. wht1zzfe

    wht1zzfe New Member

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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

    Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"



    After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
     
  8. igor

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    >The Barber Shop...
    >A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and
    >asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
    >
    >The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
    >
    >The guy left.
    >
    >A few days later, the same guy stuck his
    >head in the door and asked, 'How long
    >before I can get a haircut?'
    >
    >The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
    >
    >The guy left.
    >
    >A week later, the same guy stuck his
    >head in the shop and asked, 'How long
    >before I can get a haircut?
    >
    >The barber looked around the shop and
    >said, 'About an hour and a half .
    >
    >The guy left...
    >
    >The barber turned to his friend and said,
    >'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him
    >and see where he goes. He keeps asking
    >how long he has to wait for a haircut,
    >but he never comes back.'???
    >
    >A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
    >The barber asked, 'So, where does he
    >go when he leaves?'
    >
    >Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
    >
    >'Your house!'...
     
  9. Untamed

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    My kids told me a joke the other day.

    They said "Mum what are you doing under there?"

    Of course I replied "Under where?"

    *kids break out in laughter*

    oh to be a kid again LMAO
     
  10. RideNaked2

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    A funny to make ya giggle!........
    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
    She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
    The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
    she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

    ... ... ... The case came up in court.

    The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

    The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but
    notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
    hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
    'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
    .... I just lost it.'
     
  11. CosmicEye

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    lol at under where

    What you call five fingers around a boys penis

    - A Jackson 5

    .. I heard that on another forum
     
  12. RideNaked2

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    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...... LOL!!
     
  13. Untamed

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    LMAO!!!! awesome!!! :p
     
  14. RideNaked2

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    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that lucky pig)
     
  15. Essene

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    Knock, knock...
     
  16. RideNaked2

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    I'll bite :p

    Who's there?
     
  17. Essene

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    Doctor
     
  18. RideNaked2

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    Doctor who?
     
  19. Essene

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    That's a pretty good show.
     
  20. Untamed

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