Joke of the day

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Everett_Spair, Mar 21, 2011.

  1. Everett_Spair

    Everett_Spair Member

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    A lonely older woman decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local newspaper: "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
    Next day, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    She asked coolly, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you - you have no legs!"
    The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around you!"
    She snorted, "You have no arms either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
    She raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked. He smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
     
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  2. Untamed

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    LMAO!! great joke :p
     
  3. Mittimer

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    That made me giggle :p Good start to my morning.
     
  4. Beach

    Beach New Member

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    Needed a laugh man... ty!
     
  5. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    Now that was funny !!!!!!!!!!
     
  6. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    Awesome!!! I know a lot of people who will appreciate this :lol
     
  7. igor

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    Good one! :))
     
  8. Everett_Spair

    Everett_Spair Member

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    New day, new joke:

    A man escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey, I love you."

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, Honey, I love you, too."
     
  9. coldplayer85

    coldplayer85 Member

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    Hahahaha! Lol! U should make this a regular thing everett!
     
  10. Hot Wheels

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    Ok...so I pinched it from somebody else....but its still funny anyway...

    A Buddist couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact.

    "Connie....Connie. "

    "Is that you, Joe?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

    "Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!"

    "Not exactly... In my next life, Ive been reincarnated as a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"
     
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  11. Everett_Spair

    Everett_Spair Member

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    New Joke!

    An elderly man went to an old-timer's dance. He hadn't had any sex for a long time and had danced with almost every old woman in the place, but still hadn't scored. Feeling extremely frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck with the other ladies here and I'm desperate for a fuck. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 30 dollars!"

    She smiled and said, "I'm willing. Let's go." He couldn't believe his luck and took her back to his place with mounting excitement. After a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. Impatiently he tore of his clothes, then hers, and then mounted her with no further ado. The sex was great and he couldn't get over how tight she was for such an old woman.

    After ten minutes of furious passion, he rolled off her and panted. "Wow! My dear, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you 100 dollars!" Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to manage an erection, I would have taken my tights off!"
     
  12. igor

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    Golf Panties....

    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Olef demanded.
    'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
    Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
    She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

    Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

    'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit
     
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  13. igor

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  14. igor

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    A wife came home early today and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset. 'You're a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce...... right away! The husband sat up in bed and replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. ' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me! And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'



    NOW THAT IS A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION!!!
     
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  15. igor

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    VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders
    > a Draft beer.
    >
    > 'What are you so happy about?', asks the bartender.
    >
    > 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the
    > railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a
    > young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I of course cut
    > her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story
    > short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We
    > did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position
    > imaginable!'
    >
    > 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the bartender. 'Was she pretty?'
    >
    > 'Dunno...never found the head!'
     
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  16. Texas_Red

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    *facepalm*

    Here's some Piratey goodness:

    Q: What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
    A: A sunken chest with no booty!

    ---

    A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

    The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

    "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


    ---

    A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

    "What's that?" asks the captain.
    "Well, there are no women" replies the man.

    "Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

    However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

    The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

    "Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

    :lol
     
  17. igor

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    An Italian woman married an American gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Pittsburgh .. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

    Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

    On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


    (Please scroll down.)




















    What were you
    thinking?

    Her husband speaks English!

    Now get back to your emails.

    I worry about you sometimes
     
  18. fantasymaker

    fantasymaker New Member

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  19. igor

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    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
     
  20. igor

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    Late Phone Call To The Vet

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

    Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

    "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me," he replied.