Joke of the day...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LPjammin, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. igor

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    Interesting piece of history:
    >
    >
    > In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .
    >
    > In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the
    > intestine out of the goat first.
     
  2. HardRocker

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    Great idea those Brits had. :lol
     
  3. igor

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    Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger..............

    Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.
     
  4. AZman

    AZman New Member

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    Do you think Michael Vick watched the Super bowl...................................................or the Puppy Bowl?
     
  5. dukefan

    dukefan New Member

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    Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You gotta be shitting me?" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated from back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
    There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
    Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.
    Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
    Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
    Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shitting me!?"
     
  6. igor

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    Heard that one a long time ago but thanks for bringing it back!:lol:lol
     
  7. HardRocker

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    I swear I laughed out loud.:lol
    I knew I had heard it before, but I could not for the life of me remember where it was going.
     
  8. igor

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    > An older couple, at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting
    > that had them completely confused.
    > The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
    > bench.
    > Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
    > pink penis.

    > They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
    > He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of
    > African-Americans in predominately white, patriarchal society.
    > "In fact," he said, "Some serious critics believe that the pink
    > penis also
    > reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in
    > contemporary society.“
    >
    > After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent
    > approached
    > the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is
    > really all about?"
    >
    > “How & why" asked the couple, "could you claim or be more of an expert
    > than the curator of this gallery?"
    >
    > "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. " In fact, there's
    > no African-Americans shown here at all.
    >
    > “They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle
    > went home for lunch."
     
  9. igor

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    As you know, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

    Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

    Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

    After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

    Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
  10. phil anderer

    phil anderer New Member

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    Apologies if posted earlier.

    Two old men get drunk & visit a brothel. The madame takes 1 look at them & whispers to her manager,"Go & put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, these 2 are too old & pissed to notice". During the walk home 1 old man says, "I think my girl was dead,She never moved or made a sound". The other old man replies "I think mine was a witch!". "Why the FUCK would you say that??" asked his mate. "Well i bit her arse & she farted in my face & flew out of the fucking window!"
     
  11. phil anderer

    phil anderer New Member

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    I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I never found the head."
     
  12. Kirin

    Kirin New Member

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    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
     
  13. Kirin

    Kirin New Member

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    A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?" The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon." The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it." Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before." The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
     
  14. Kirin

    Kirin New Member

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    When a man talk dirty to a woman it's sexual harrasment...when a woman talks dirty to a man...it $2.99 a minute
     
  15. phil anderer

    phil anderer New Member

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    I wouldn't say the service in my local supermarket is bad but I self served twice last week and I am now employee of the month.
     
  16. igor

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    PROOF THAT MEN ARE SENSITIVE!!!


    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

    The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

    and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
     
  17. gigi

    gigi New Member

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    John and Mary walked into the woods to pick some blueberries.
    Because it was crowded they just picked blueberries.
     
  18. igor

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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
    the ostrich, "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
    asks the waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
    "Same," says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
     
  19. HardRocker

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    That's funny as shit.:rofl