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Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LPjammin, Oct 8, 2007.
I will file that one away and hope for an opportunity to whip it out some day.
Sorry to be a killjoy, but Peter Cosgrove never said that. The story started out with a fictitious Welsh youth leader and the character was changed as the tale did the rounds.
still funny tho
Here's probably my best comeback ever... I had started a new job about a week before this happened. I was walking down the hallway after working late, with my leather jacket slung over my shoulder, and I was pretty tired. My Harley was outside in the parking lot but visable from the hallway. A guy walks up to me and says, "so you're the biker." I said, "my bike is out there." There was a Jap knockoff of a Harley parked next to my bike. The guy asks, "What's that piece of shit parked next to you." I told him, "I don't really know anything about Jap bikes." Then he proceeds to tell me that it was his Kawasaki, that it cost less than $10,000, and I was stupid to ride a Harley because most people couldn't tell the difference between his bike and a Harley. I told him, "Well you can go downtown and find something that looks a lot like a woman. That's good enough for some guys, me, I gotta have the real thing." That guy never spoke to me again. Thin skinned I guess.
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
An older couple Bob and Alice are playing bridge with their younger neighbours Tom and Shirley.
Tom asks Bob, “ You’ve been around awhile, how many different kinds of boobs are there?”
Bob, answers, 'Well, Tom , there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated Alice and so she asked, Shirley
“Do you know many kinds of 'willies' there are?”
Shirley answered, “No, I really don’t know.”
“Well” , said Alice, “ I can tell you.”
“A man goes through three phases.”
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
LMAO that's great
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
So little Johnny sees his mom in the bathroom putting on some cold cream and asks her what she's doing. She tells him and he wants to know why? She a patient mom and explains that she does it to help her look pretty. Little Johnny nods and is about to leave, when his mom begins to wipe off the cream. He can't fully understand, so he asks her "what are you doing now mom....giving up?"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken back, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK", and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called bunk beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Podsadlo's pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked, holding her breasts up for me to see.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'
I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me......
Hahahahahaha...Those are pretty funny!!!:lol
Thanks for sharing!!
A grandad was taking his grandson to school one morning when the youngster noticed a used condom on the path outside the school. ''whats that'' asked the little boy. ''oh.....erm....its a doughnut'' said his grandad. That evening the little boy looked at his grandad and and told him he made some money in school. ''how did you do that'' asked his grandad. ''i sold that doughnut to someone but i swindled him too........i licked the cream out''
got that one from my wife
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'
NEWS FLASH: Viagra will soon be OTC liquid!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Viagra will soon be an OTC in liquid form. And the new drink will be marketed by Pepsi-cola. It will be called "MOUNT&DO." How much you wanna bet that the slogan will be " Now you REALLY CAN pour yourself a stiff one!"
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 131 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. It beats the political crap.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds