Joke of the day...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LPjammin, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. luvbug

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    Love it!! :lol
     
  2. Northside

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    A mother was giving her small son and daughter a bath together. The little girl looked between her brothers legs and asked her mom "Why don't I have one of those." The mom reassured her daughter saying, "Don't worry honey, with what you've got, you can get all of those you'll ever want."
     
  3. igor

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    Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!
     
  4. igor

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    Friendly Advice

    Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 13% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 87% are caused by assholes who drink water, coffee, tea, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt and shit like that.

    Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause more than six times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
     
  5. igor

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    In this world of hi-tech shorthand, I have noticed that many, who text message and email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

    Those of you, who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below:

    Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
     
  6. HardRocker

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    :lol How appropriate.
     
  7. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    LOL love it :D
     
  8. Dragon_Fire

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    :eek :lol :p
     
  9. Northside

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    That lends new meaning to the term "Animal Husbandry."
     
  10. Barbwire

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    Watch it! I have a degree in equine husbandry and for the record, I HAVE jacked off a horse. Well, not really, more like held the artificial vagina while a friend tried to hold the horse's dick but the load went.... shit, that's a whole nuther story.

    Clicky here to read the full story http://www.sexualforums.com/15094-my-first-last-only-facial.html
     
  11. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    OMG.. worst nightmare ever!

    I'm lucky.. when doing this I've ALWAYS been the stallion handler but I have mostly TB experiences so still the stallion handler and trying NOT to die before we started requiring breeding hobbles on all mares (one nasty mare.. they told us she freaked out in breeding hobbles.. okay fine, whatever..) she was SUPPOSED to have had her rear shoes pulled - I led the stallion up, he mounts and next thing you know I see a sparkly hoof come up and slam into my thigh. They forfeited a 5 figure stud fee for contract violation for not removing her shoes and endangering me (initial fear was she broke my leg.. a few hours, some crutches and a couple ice packs later it was just badly bruised and I could walk again) And yes, they were going to sue then their lawyer read the contract and told them they were lucky I didn't sue them.
     
  12. Northside

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    Just goes to prove that fact is funnier than fiction. It's great that you can laugh at yourself and post about an embarrassing situation in the Joke of the day. No direpect to your degree. That story almost makes me wish I was a horse. Three chicks trying to get me off, wow!
     
  13. igor

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    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
    and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . ... which part of your body goes first?"

    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
    "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
    front of you and God just takes your hands first."
    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
    "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
    Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
    other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
    saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

    If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her for sure."

    The nun fainted.
     
  14. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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  15. igor

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    > Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four Seasons Hotel in
    > Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men
    > you see advertised in phone books for Escorts and sensual massages."
    >
    > She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
    > himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing
    > in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
    > wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt
    > quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt... You
    > get the picture. She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
    >
    > "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she thought he sounded
    > sooo sexy!
    >
    > Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear
    > you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room Number 420 at
    > the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight
    > with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
    > hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
    > Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
    > your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all
    > night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything
    > and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
    >
    > He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to
    > press 9 for an outside line."
     
  16. igor

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    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaims,

    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger, in honour of the Harvest
    Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
    "What is your FIRST request?'

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed...
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
    What is your SECOND request?"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
    Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
    She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
    "You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow.
    What is your LAST request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
    The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

    "READ MY LIPS!!!!"


    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

    "BRING POSSE"
     
  17. HardRocker

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    Laughed out loud. Good one Igor.
     
  18. igor

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    For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'


    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

    It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
     
  19. nyxx

    nyxx New Member

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    hhahaha, zing
     
  20. Texas_Red

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    That is indeed a great comeback. I really dislike anti-gun folks who make arguments based on weak hand-wringing mealy mouthed arguments.

    He put things into perspective very well I think.