Joke of the day...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LPjammin, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
    bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
    biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your
    grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
    naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
    are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
    at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again
    and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
    the best I ever had! "

    The biker's buddies are starting to get
    really mad but the biker still says nothing .

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
    I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

    At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
    the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
    says...


    "You're a mean drunk, grandpa. Go home."
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Computers: Male or Female?

    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

    He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.


    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
     
  3. Green Eyes

    Green Eyes New Member

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    So funny, but oh so true. :)
     
  4. cook74

    Gold Member

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    I liked the first one, but I'm afraid Lp, that Rose stole the show and totally upstaged you with the second.

    Very funny both of you, thanks for making me laugh and waking my partner up at midnight. :nerv Now she has the shits :yell
     
  5. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    She has...

    ...a nicer ass, too. And tits. And smile. And...I know, I know...

    :lol
     
  6. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Oh - you are my new "very best friend'!! :lol

    But you gotta admit, it was a good joke! :p
     
  8. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
    The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
    Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
     
  9. Barbwire

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    Thanks for the laugh, Buff. :lol
     
  10. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Aw, nuts...

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
    vehicle

    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
     
  11. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Little Billy...

    BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

    BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, BILLY, that's a mouthful."

    Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
     
  12. Bluesy

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    Thanks for this thread, LP :lol And keep up the good work :tup (Same to everyone else who contributed!)
     
  13. Barbwire

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    That last one was good. HAHA! Thanks, LP
     
  14. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Hookin' for Jesus...

    Two entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

    Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

    The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

    “Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

    :dgrin
     
  15. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Keeping score...

    A guy is performing oral pleasure on his new girlfriend and really getting into it. Suddenly he shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

    The girlfriend is like 'WTF!?' and just ignores him, trying to get back into the groove.

    The guy again shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

    "Hmmm..." thinks the girlfriend, "This guy is really weird." And just ignores him.

    The third time the guy yells, "Urinate! Urinate!" she figures, whatever, and pisses all over his face.

    "Bah!" the guy sputters, "Now you're a five!"
     
  16. cook74

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    OMG :lol I think I just urinated from laughing too hard. :lol
     
  17. Scruples

    Scruples New Member

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    I'm new at this, but here we go ......

    A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

    A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
    attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
    and said,

    "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating toward the sender.

    She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at
    the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

    The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note fromher
    and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
    in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

    He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.


    It read:

    "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
    a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful
    homes in California , Aspen , Colorado and Miami.

    There is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts.

    BUT,
    Not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
    Just send the bottle back!!!"
     
  18. cook74

    Gold Member

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    Great joke Scruples! :lol You could have been making people laugh for the last 4 years member 237. :)
     
  19. Scruples

    Scruples New Member

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    Actually, I got a reminder via Hotmail ....
     
  20. Scruples

    Scruples New Member

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    How long can this go on .... let's see huh :

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact.

    "Connie....Connie. "

    "Is that you, Joe?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

    "Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!"

    "Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"