Jealousy

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, Jul 6, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

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    So, as of last week my current partner got a job at the local Twin Peaks restaurant. I know that it's not as though she is out whoring herself out or being a slut or any other derogatory impression such a job might imply. I'm aware that it's just a job and the outfits, flirtatiousness, &c of the girls are only in the description/expectations of the work...

    I'm attributing it to the classically male response of territoriality when it comes to things that are "ours" that I can't help but feel nasty twinges of resentment and jealousy. The knowing that she is being eye-stripped and eye-fucked by other guys upsets me. Intellectually I can separate reality from my emotions, but there is still that irrational emotional/instinctual response of "GET YOUR FILTHY EYES/HANDS OFF HER!" in my gut.

    She and I have talked about it. She said if it bothered me that much she would quit and go back to her old job. I told her she'd better not quit just because I'm a bit uncomfortable currently. She is her own person and an adult - my irrationality shouldn't inhibit her ability to improve her situation. This job is going to bring in a far better paycheck than her former job, it has better benefits (believe it or not), and she enjoys it much more as it is social and active and fast-paced.

    So, my question is: What are some ways that I can help alleviate my jealousy? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to overcome the Neolithic instincts of "That's mine!" and be fully honestly accepting of such a situation?

    (Note: I acknowledge the "territory" sentences sound horrible, but it's the most apt way to describe that particular thing I think. I don't view her as an item I possess; I view her as a person whom I have the privilege to be with.)
     
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  2. CaramelLady

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    When you care about someone you can become possessive and territorial. That is a natural instinct. You are her man. You also want to protect her.

    You are a very intelligent man and you will find a way to come to terms with it all.
     
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  3. Ed69

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    Just remember at the end of her shift she comes home to you.You are the one who gets to take that little flannel top off and pull her into bed.Trust me with time it gets better.It took me years to get it through my skull that my wife would not leave me for another woman.
     
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  4. ginger

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    I cant offer an advise but sympathize with your concerns/feelings...

    I take it that foursome is a no goer :p
     
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  5. 10_3XL

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    A foursome involving us and our special ladies? Hmm... I could probably be convinced. Not sure if they could be, though. ;):p
     
  6. sparklez

    sparklez Member

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    Women are brought up a certain way in this society, and guys are going to be cracking on to her and this is how it works. She is bound to be doing something as most women do and they hide it extremely well! They are good at being discreet! Did you really think that she is just going to reserve herself for you only? Think about it properly you are on a sex site day in day out, and you expect her to be loyal in the real world? She is going to want to try things to feel like a women when you are not there, actually most get turned on more when they are cheating in a realtionship. They see their partner as one thing, and act different with others. What's stopping her anyway? Faith? She has no real incentive the incentive is sex and excitement! Don't you realize what this job is and why she is hired? It's a restaurant, it's a way she meets other guys every single shift! I have herd so many stories about your exact situation in which the women has told me the things they do....you would be shocked. And they act so innocent when they get home like nothing ever happens. Husbands go all their life thinking their wife is totally innocent and they have no idea they are getting fucked royally by other guys, bosses, neighbours, whatever. In some instances they are good friends with the guy who has their hands all over their wife, cause they buy them gifts (cause they are getting the wife for it) Some of the time they not even at their work at all but other people's places, and they say they have to work late, or they have to work when they don't even have work! That's not including the times they can just go into other area's like toliet areas or in cars on side of road somewhere even! There is one woman who explained how she was going to marry this guy and she went to the gym, and she ended up fucking a guy from the gym in her car, before she went back to her partner. Do you think her partner who was about to marry her even had a clue that happened? Ofcourse not cause she was just at the gym, and there is supposely 'trust'. This is the world you live in. Your jealously is a sign of your relationship breaking apart. A stong romantic relationship does not have that tainted sense of insecurity behind it. I'm not saying she has cheated, I'm just saying she is now set up in exactly the ideal situation to be cheating on you, most of the day she is not with you cause she is working! And you have let all this pass you by, but I'm not suprised. There is no use hoping, it's just a ticking time bomb. I'm hope I'm wrong. I do have a solution, but you wouldn't listen anyway, cause you don't listen. I say all this just from my experience take a look at the world how relationships work. Have a think about what your marriage should be like if you are going to have a wife, cause this don't sound too ideal to me.

    If anything this area is one where guys are extremely naive. And I would add that it's likely way more worse than you even suspect, we have a tendency to play things down, but there's a good chance they not only be lusting after her, she is probaly lusting after them too. And I would guess doing something, even before she took that job! She sounds like she just making you think it's some random job she picked up, but really she has gone out of her way to position herself there! For all you know the owner of the restaurant and her already know each other. She knows you won't have the guts to tell her to quit anyway because that would signal relationship over wouldn't it. There is jobs out there that don't include being a sex object, but that is one of them.
     
    #6 sparklez, Jul 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2014
  7. 10_3XL

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    Sparklez I had been electing to ignore your posts (for reasons we discussed privately), but this goes too far - and I want all I say here on public record even if it some how lessens me or makes me appear foolish. I should not give you the pleasure of getting a rise from me, yet here it is. These are things that Need To Be Said.

    I can appreciate people giving their honest input and opinions - that is a large part of why I joined SF in the first place. Even when I have disagreed with other members it has always ended in myself and the disagreeing party being able to walk away amicably without harboring negativity towards one another. If for whatever reason we are unable to do that then I choose to Ignore them to prevent future conflict. Some - if not all - of those I disagree with regularly are still those whom I Follow and interact with regularly on here. Our differences are what make our community great. It was not until you joined and began sniping at my posts and the posts of others that I encountered anybody who has so blatantly disregarded courteous behavior and appropriate etiquette for interaction with others yet gone apparently without reprimand.

    Pertaining to your post above: How dare you presume to know so much about her, me, and our relationship? How can you possibly say that feelings of jealousy (that are mostly due to a desire to protect what is "mine") are an indication that my relationship is not strong and doomed to fail? Your gross generalizations and assumptions regarding relationships sicken me and indicate a great lack of wisdom and maturity on your part. "A strong romantic relationship does not have that tainted sense of insecurity behind it?" Bullshit, "friend." Everyone has insecurities - no matter the case - it is part of being human.

    I can handle your comments above that are negative descriptions of me and my character. You say that I am naive and blind to How The World Works. I am mature enough to be able to acknowledge that very well may be how you honestly view me. Fine - I know that I'm not perfect and I do have a tendency towards naivety. I own that, but I do not feel lessened by those qualities. Better to be trusting than overly cynical.

    However...

    For you to basically accuse my partner of being an unfaithful, sexually promiscuous liar is UNACCEPTABLE!
    You have just in so many words equated her to being a whore and a slut. That will not stand with me. If your wording allowed me cause to Report you I would do so in a blink. However, since you never directly said it and since my partner is not a member of this site then my hands are tied.

    I cannot even begin to express the anger and ill-will that I feel towards you for having spoken against her in such a way.


    Yes, I'm here on a sex site day in and day out and I see what can happen in relationships - the good, bad, and ugly. But I also see the beauty of what adults can have in a relationship. I also see how sex/sexuality are great things - even to the point of Godliness in some cases. Here I see the best and worst in humanity. Am I being hyperbolic and theatrical? No. I am not. I am certain other members will back me on the views in this paragraph.

    Correction: You didn't just accuse Divka of being a liar and a cheat. No. Not just her, you accused ALL WOMEN. (I had to re-read that filth above to be sure of myself, but it does turn out that is what you said.)

    For what I am about to say I will likely receive a ban from The Powers That Be. If this is so, then I apologize to those who care about my presence here. I am prepared for that eventuality, though.

    My Conclusion:
    Sparklez, you have made an enemy in me - and that is a very hard thing to do. You could almost take pride in that unsavory accomplishment. I can't fathom why you joined this site if you are always going to take a self-deluded moral high ground and holier-than-thou tone with everyone. I do not see why you persist in sparking negativity and being the constant instigator with virtually everyone you interact with here on SF. You are a small person with a small closed mind and small soul. Your behavior and words are detestable at best. You should do the legitimate and serious members of this community a favor and shut your ignorant, self-righteous mouth. To put it bluntly, shortly, and without tact:
    GoFuckYourself.gif

    Rob_E: You may now take appropriate actions against me for this reply.
     
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  8. CaramelLady

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    This is very cynical. I was with my husband for 24 years and never strayed. Opportunities presented themselves but I never strayed. His lady happens to be in a job where she maybe subjected to men leering at her. I dress conservatively for work and guess what? Men leer at me!

    During the time I was with my husband before and after we married it did not occur to step out of our relationship. My commitment was to him. Sure he got jealous at times, but he knew who I came home to. Him.
     
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  9. CaramelLady

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    Some things needed to be said 10 3XL.
     
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  10. oldkid

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    The IGNORE button was made for sparklez.
     
  11. 10_3XL

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    I had Ignored him - however when he replied to a thread of my authorship I foolishly elected to "Show Ignored Content." I then (even more foolhardily) proceeded to read the trash he posted... *sighs* C'est la vie.
     
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  12. Mittimer

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    I highly doubt you'll get banned for telling him to go fuck himself. Sometimes people deserve it.
     
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  13. luvbug

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    You won't get banned. Hell nothing happened to the other member in my situation so don't worry about it.

    You said what needed to be said... And much better than I could have!! My hats off to you. ( if I wore one anyway)

    I can't reply to what sparklez said until I can get on my comp. I'd blow my cell up if I tried !! Lol
     
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  14. luvbug

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    Dude...... This post is so wrong!!!:eek:
    WTF???? Seriously???:eek:

    I can't reply properly until I can get on my computer.

    Damn dude.... :eek:o_O:rolleyes:
     
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  15. sparklez

    sparklez Member

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    That is my experience, women cheat a lot, they hide it, but they do it behind their partners back just as much as guys if not more! Because they get more opportunities to do so aswel. It's common, more common than you would think. People lie, cheat, and act selfishly. It is a sad fact of our world. They follow their lusts, not the feelings of other people. I am just trying to be realistic here and pull the wool off of guys eyes so they can better discern in their relationships, the real likelihood of cheating in a world that does not care about you. Not only are people not perfect, most do not want to improve themselves!
     
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  16. teamster145

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    I could not agree more.
     
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  17. luvbug

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    Men cheat just as much if not more !! They have the same chances/opportunities etc to cheat too.

    Maybe it's the women you've been meeting?:rolleyes:

    Sounds to me like you need to get away from those women and make some new experiences :rolleyes:
     
  18. Mittimer

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    What you're saying aren't the words of someone trying to pull the wool off of the eyes of readers. What you're wanting to do is spew your cynical and jaded drivel to anyone who'll listen.

    Jealousy isn't the sign of a failing relationship. At most, it's signs of your own insecurities. I'd go into this more but it would clearly fall on deaf ears.

    Responding to 10_3XL though, there's nothing you can "do" about jealousy. There's no way to fix it. You need to sit down and take a look at yourself and figure out why you're having these jealous feelings. As a speaker at a convention said "open up your inner dungeon" and take a look at why you're having these feelings. It's entirely about you, not what she's doing, where she works, the other men.. it's you. Once you fully understand these feelings, face them, rationalize them, and talk to her about it if you need to.
     
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  19. RubyAsh

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    I was reading a book a few weeks ago on relationships (looking for answers to my own issues, I might add) and remember the author mentioning something about jealousy feelings being more predominant when one of the parties' work involves a high amount of customer contact, ie. waiters / PRs / etc. The advice given seemed a bit ridiculous at first, but it actually made some sense - the author mentioned Mutual TRUST as being the answer. He advised couples to buy a pair of small chairs and book a daily set time (or weekly, if daily not possible) to chat, to tell the other about everything that happened that day. He said to choose a spot in the house where you don't usually go to and call it your Trust Spot. Place the small chairs in that spot and sit on them to chat - the idea behind the small chairs if to make each one of you feel equally at the same level.
    The trick during these chats is to use total honesty and total control from both parties. For example, if the your gf tells you that she was chatted up or touched by a customer in a sexual manner, but actually acknowledges having been flattered by it, then she's being honest with you; it is now your turn to respond to her honesty by telling her how that makes you feel and get the conversation going further asking her why it made her feel that way. However, you need to control your temper and attitude. She's telling you about a situation that she could easily hide; she's being honest and trusting; so you need to do the same for her.
    I think the idea has some merit. Perhaps you can do your own variation of the Trust Spot.
     
  20. 10_3XL

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    You're absolutely right about this. I didn't mean to imply there was anything beyond my feelings on it. Not what she is doing or other men or whoever else - just me. I'm working my way through it - finding the source and all that fun stuff - just wanting to get some outside objective perspective. Which you've kindly provided. :D
     
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