Jealousy Issues

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Eros, Jun 8, 2005.

  1. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    My wife is four years older than I am and lost her virginity younger than I. When you add it up, she has at least 10 years more sexual experience, including a marriage more than I.

    I have some difficulty knowing that she is more experienced. It bothers the hell out of me. My last and only real girlfriend - we were both fairly new at it all - she was a virgin. I am not used to this 'girl know more and been with more thing'

    She loves and cares for me but when we have sex I can't help but think about it and then often the sex goes down the tubes.

    Am I just a stupid jealous bastard? Suggestions?
     
  2. Logger

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    Dear Eros,

    Jealousy is a part of Love. Jealousy is real, and needs to be handled, as positively as possible.

    Control issues are often important to a man. Experts often advise men to marry a woman of less class and younger than he, so there is a natural level of disparity, and the man will feel that he has the upper hand.

    You may want to negotiate some areas where you are in charge, and not challenged. I have been develping my strategy of the SUDDENLY REMEMBERED URGENT ERRAND. When I feel challenged, I try to take off, leave the house, run errands. Seems to get the point across. What is your approach to re-gaining respect?

    Blessings
     
  3. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    What you should do is take advantage of any knowledge she has gained, add it to your own and see if you cannot create something truly wonderful.

    The odds are pretty good that the time difference in your sexual "start" dates is pretty irrelevent. Unless she was quite vivacious and/or worked in the sex industry, she likely has had only a few partners and sex only in a few ways.

    Regardless of everything, she chose to be with you. You should be pleased, she obviously thought highly enough of your sexual prowess to keep you around.
     
  4. Thorn

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    Hey Eros, I was once right where you are with the jealousy thing in my marriage. I'm 5 years older than my wife but she was far ahead of me as far as experience goes. When we got married she had a child from a man she lived with before we met. She had been very sexually active from about 14 to 20 years old with a lot of guys. Before we met I had maybe had sex 6 or 7 times. It didn't really bug me like it does you during our sex but I thought about it a lot at other times. I'm over it now mainly because we've been married 27 years. But now I consider myself lucky because she has always, and even more so now, been a sexually driven person and so have I. It just takes time to get over it but you do need to deal with it as soon as possible if it is effecting your sex life.
     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Eros,

    You could further delineate the details of what your wife does that bothers you.

    You said her mentioning her greater expereince bothers you. Is there a time or manner in which she mentions this, that you could ask her to change?

    Reading up on this site or some sex books could make up for any lack of experience you might have.

    Are you feeling that you would like to have more experience than your wife? How would you like to gain that experience?

    Your wife cannot change having had more experience. Is there any issue now about not trusting her?

    Boundaries is a concept of marital confidence and trust. You can search this site, or marriagebuilders. com. Basically that means keeping your actions within the limits to which you both agree is acceptable. Are ther any areas in which you are taking independent actions? An independent action is an activity that does not have the full support of your wife. Are there things your wife is doing, that you do not fully support, that you have not fully talked to her about?

    Blessings
     
  6. Logger

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    Dear Eros,

    Further Thoughts on Jealousy,

    Why do these thoughts about your wife's experience come up?

    Does W say something that brings her past expereinces to mind?

    I feel it is important to not mention past lovers. I want to pretend thaht my wife only has a life with me. Sex with others in the past should not be mentioned, and should be kept as secret. I don't want to hear about who my wife might think is hot now, or who she had sex with in the past. These topics are just in bad taste.

    For my sanity, I need to pretend that my wife had no lovers in the past, and is not thinking of having any lovers now. I will drive myself nuts if I start worrying about other guys. It is my wife's job to help me keep my sanity. I ask her not to talk about certain things, and generaly she understands.

    To the extent my wife plays games by intimations about other men, it pisses me off.

    Blessings
     
  7. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    Thank you everyone for the help and advice. I think it helps. Still hard to deal with. And in my wife's defense she doesn't talk about her past - more so now that I have issues about it. Sometimes the past comes up, I think about her life then and have issues. Guess I'll keep working on letting it go. I try to imagine that she has never been with anyone, but her personality is, well not innocent (which I admit has other advantages) and that makes the facade harder to maintain. Thanks again for the support.
     
  8. Logger

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    Dear Eros,

    I pust some other Christian references under the Sticky Thread for Links to other sites, under GENERAL SEX TALK.

    Here is one on Jealousy:

    http://www.nomorejealousy.com/
     
  9. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    Thanks again everyone. I am also in counseling for it. My wife and my sanity means the world to me. I have the one and want to keep it, as for as the sanity it comes and goes.

    This chat room helps. Great getting to know you all.
     
  10. Frank Grimes

    Frank Grimes New Member

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    I'm kind of in the same boat. My wife was more experienced with more partners as well. It bothered me quite a bit for a while, and I still don't love the notion. But, she is totally faithful to me and loves me and is great to me and for me, so I've learned to tune my thoughts to other things. While I don't like the notion, it really isn't something I can hold against her.

    Good luck.
     
  11. Cotton_Candy

    Cotton_Candy New Member

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    it should make no difference in YOUR relationship.. what went on in the PAST should STAY in the past. Jealousy can also destroy relationships.