Jealousy as motivation?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Sagittarius84, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. Sagittarius84

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    Is jealousy really such a bad thing? Or is it only bad when it doesn't motivate one to do better? I ask because as I've gotten older I've noticed that jealousy tends to play out in two ways: it either becomes the motivation by which one betters themselves, or it becomes the scapegoat, justifying one's insecurities.
    I've noticed in sexual relationships that generally when men are jealous(and not abusive), they tend to try harder to prove their worth, yet women tend to shut down.
    So which is it? Should we have total faith in one another, opening up the possibility of being taken for granted, or should we view outside competition as an impetus to better ourselves constantly?
     
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  2. Gingerbear

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    I find your question awesome. Personally at 1st it does inspire me to become a better person. WITH THAT BEING SAID, If I've improved and he is still making me jelous that's when it is time for.. What's good for the goose kind of mentality. I personally can see self evaluate brutally honest. IF I'm making changes and hubby isn't noticing. He will be.
    If our sex life is going through the motions & I change that & he's still making me jelous. Then I start checking out. But I'm finding not many think as I do.
     
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  3. Alwayslearningsex

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    Jealousy is insecurity in my opinion and no matter how good someone becomes, it's an ever present pressure and malicious state of mind.
    Maybe jealousy is not the real word here? wondering.
    Oh, my ex-wife was insecure ..... for me, insecurity and jealousy are negative, no positive spin fit in those words in my life experience.
    Didn't matter how nice and how good I was, it was always there and in the end it destroyed my trust to share little things I would have liked to share, she flipped out if I worked with some women even though I never did anything to turn her this way.

    So maybe jealousy in this post is meant differently, but maybe others relate to the way I think of it.
     
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  4. Sagittarius84

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    Yeah I think jealousy is the medium between envy(a deadly sin) and aspiration(a virtue?) And where it ends up depends on your attitude/actions.
     
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  5. lbushwalker

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    Jealousy is a non issue with me because I have a don't give a fuck attitude to life but on the other hand my SO is an intensely jealous person and in a massively negative way.
    I have a male friend who has alway been a jealous person in his relationships but over time has turned it around to a positive.
    He now enjoys the feeling because when other men openly desires his partner that gives him a jolt adrenaline.
    I guess the extreme of that is the cuckhold husband scenario.
     
  6. Sagittarius84

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    Yeah, cuckoldry seems to be extreme example of spinning jealousy into a positive. I'm not into it per se, but I do get a bit of an ego boost knowing other men and sometimes women lust after her. She,on the other hand, has a totally different jealous reaction, not seeming to take any pleasure in other womens unrequited lust. I think she has such a low opinion of men's faithfulness, that she expects we'll go for any girl that shows interest. After 6yrs of uninterrupted fidelity from me you think by now she would start to look inward to overcome her jealousy, or at the very least start working to make any other girl seem like no competition...
     
  7. theBadBoy2

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    you talk about jealousy...I am worst...I am possesive..
     
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  8. teamster145

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    I am very interested to see where this goes.
     
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  9. sensless

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    I'm not jealous. As long as my man doesn't lie to me, he may fuck whoever he wants. I encourage it.

    If a woman is jealous, she will fuck her man. It's a vain attempt at getting him too ''tired" to fuck others. It's also the contest syndrome. Women are very competitive.

    However, if she's sure her man cheated, she'll avoid sex with him. It's his punishment.

    To all rules, there are exceptions, though.
     
  10. Sagittarius84

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    I wish I'd known of these women. Never known one to just give more sex in response to jealousy. Usually, he's pressured to show his devotion 1st, which may or may not lead to sex.
     
  11. sensless

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    I'm really sorry for you, because it's clear from your posts that you're very frustrated. I wish there was an easy solution to your case.

    In my limited experience, when women don't do what I described above, it's because they aren't really jealous. It's only a show. They stopped caring for their man enough to react. I'm not saying that's the case with your woman. I'm just very candidly sharing my experience.

    And there are so many things that can come into play.

    In long term relationships, reactions aren't responses to only one action. It's like astronomy. The position of our moon depends on our Earth, but also on the Sun and other planets.

    If you haven't already, you really should express to your woman the level of your frustration. Sometimes we talk to our SO about issues, but fail to convey just how huge that is for us. And we're quickly dismissed.
     
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  12. lucky5338

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    There is a great difference between jealousy and envy. The first is understandable in as much as it is motivated by a wish for a loving relationship to continue and not to be threatened by the intrusion of another party. One can be jealous of losing something which is perceived to be theirs. On the other hand envy occurs when one believes that another person is "better" in any way than you are or has more friends , or is more popular or is perceived to be more attractive to others . Envy is far more dangerous and harmful and can lead to offensive behaviour because it can become obsessive.
    Personally I do not feel envy of anyone. It is irrelevant to me if some one has a bigger dick or is better in bed or gets more "likes" than me . I would not feel jealous if the person with whom I was having a relationship was having fun with another man. I would however feel jealousy if I believed that my relationship was being threatened by the intervention of someone else and this goes well beyond sex and has more to do with emotion.and practical things like finance and security of way of life.
    It has all to do with self esteem and the need to be loved.
    :)
     
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  13. Sagittarius84

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    I appreciate the sentiment, while my gf has a nasty streak, it's actually not that big of a contribution to any underlying frustrations I have in our relationship. Although, I will say as someone who grew up with mostly female friends, it gets a bit tiring to measure any interactions I have with other women. Also kind of precludes any possibility of helping my gf explore her bi curious side.
     
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  14. Alwayslearningsex

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    Like some say, yes the insecurity would cause some women to give sex.
    I had it with my ex everytime I was spending time with my friend because he was single and wanting to meet someone .... I would see women and in her mind get tempted.
    I had a woman friend who told me some of her past experiences, she would fill her needs by having sex with men looking for it outside of the relationship because the wives would not do a thing for a reason or another.
    She happily sucked cocks while she had what she needed. All physical, just taking care of each others' needs.
     
  15. Alwayslearningsex

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    I need to add, the story goes these were men who tried and gave up trying, not just to go have a little more.
     
  16. backcheck64

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    No jealousy on either side. We both get hit on regularly, doesn't bother either. We know our commitment for each other over the past 33yrs, never taken advantage of each other. I've seen jealousy destroy a lot of relationships over the years. I like the 300z in your avatar, turbo?
     
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  17. Sagittarius84

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    1986 Turbo, I miss it terribly
     
  18. Essene

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    Ask Nietzsche.

    When speaking of tackling different tasks, especially those that lends in the suppression of ourselves,
    selbst├╝berwindung seems to be an accurate word. Nietzsche spoke about envy and how "[t]here is nothing wrong with envy, so long as we use it as a guide to what we really want." Envy and jealously aren't exactly the same, but, to me anyways, they're close enough. Whether or not it's good or bad should be left up to the discretion of the the individual. It's subjective. It can flip-flop.
     
  19. Candela

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    I have no time for a jealous person,Jealousy leads to abusive then leads to breakups.If your partner is jealous,Then he/she is also a control freak who thinks you are at his beck and call.I've seen what jealousy does and lots of it isn't pretty.
     
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  20. EarthboundEnigma

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    I agree entirely. Jealousy is usually seen as an outward anger for wanting something or someone that isn't yours, but it's really something that happens to the insecure. Jealousy is in many ways the antithesis of self improvement, don't resent others for your short-comings, evolve and improve yourself.
     
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