Jealousy am i in the wrong?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Pride, Feb 3, 2008.

  1. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    im having jealousy problems. Like I mean i keep telling myself that i shouldn't but its hard not to. And when i get that way i dont mean to seem like im taking it out on her but i realize i can become distant for a while. Mainly because i have so many thoughts going through my head.

    And i often feel i may not compare to her last relationship. Sexually or intimately perhaps or even just the history that they shared. and i realize it's very ridiculous to have the thoughts and feelings that go through my mind and to take them so hard but i've gone through a lot of bullshit and have a lot of problems when it comes to girls and relationships. Part of its trust and then my own self confidence and such.

    Her last relationship and her only REAL relationship was like 3 years. And with an older guy she is now 18 and i think hes like 22 now or something. And you know during that time after i told her something she said or admitted to made me jealous she actually made the comment that "im not trying to make you jealous but we had a very sexual relationship."

    And that kind of stuff just hits me. And i have i guess depression issues of my own as well and im just not sure what to do. I feel if i discuss exactly how i feel about things or what my thoughts are then its going to make her think i have some serious issues. On top of the fact im one of those people that well i have issues with expressing my well "feelings" so im not sure exactly how to handle this.

    Im just afraid of driving off yet another good thing. Like i have a tendency to constantly do.


    So the point is. Am i in the wrong for how i feel?...And how do i go about handling it?
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Okay...for some reason I'm having trouble deciphering this post..forgive me. You're jealous that your current girlfriend had a serious, highly sexual relationship before you? If so, you're getting yourself all in a tizzy over nothing. The past is the past, and that's all there is to it.
     
  3. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I agree. You shouldn't compare to her last relationship. Relationships shouldn't be compared any more than individual people should be compared. Now, if there are issues such as her constantly bringing up this previous relationship or frequently comparing you to her last lover, then I could understand the jealousy. If not.... if she isn't asking or expecting you to live up to this "great" past, then stop trying so hard to do that. K?
     
  4. Dreama

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    Hun, it's normal to get jealous, but do not let it get the better of you. Learn to control it. You have nothing to be jealous of- She's with you! She wasn't with you before, and it was a totally different situation. Don't worry about it. You might also do well to learn to convey your feelings accurately and non-offensively to your girlfriend. But yeah, the jealousy thing can really hurt you if you let it. Don't.
     
  5. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Someone once said: "If you love something, set it free...if it doesn't come back, it wasn't yours to begin with." And how true that is.

    Find a way to just dump your feelings of jealousy. I for one do not like the green-eyed monster...I don't like to feel jealous myself, and I don't like to make other people feel jealous. And I do not like people who play jealousy games.

    I've always had this mindset (and it's helped me through the few times that I've actually had any feelings of jealousy to deal with): I would much rather someone be with me because they have chosen to out of their own free will, than to be with me because I've chained them to me. Dig? If you've shackled someone to you, you don't know if they're staying because they want to be with you, or because you've made them your prisoner.

    I'm telling you this because I detect that you have insecurities and perhaps some self-esteem issues. Well guess what? Although you might think shackling someone to you will help you feel better, it won't. Because of what I said above (you won't know if they really want to be with you or not unless it's completely by their own free will), you simply perpetuate your feelings of insecurity. If you want to feel secure, then take the chains off the person...you'll feel really good when they don't leave you. (And if they do leave you, that means they were only staying because they were shackled...and that can't be what any person would really want. The reality is that people will only stay chained for a limited amount of time...shackling someone makes them want to get away from you because you imprison them...this is true for most people.) Dig? Eventually, you'll learn that you don't need to handcuff the person to you to keep them from running away. (You can save the handcuffs for the bedroom instead.)

    Go read the recent thread on "Getting over her history" or something like that...you'll find some great insight in it. Maybe (just maybe) when she made the comment about the sexuality of the prior relationship, she was trying to make you jealous. But then, maybe she was trying to tell you that she wants your relationship to become more sexual?

    If the avatar is your picture, you look like a handsome young fellow on the outside. Are you handsome on the inside? I think you need to find a way to deal with your own insecurities and become as handsome on the inside as you are on the outside. What's on the inside is what really matters...the older you get, the more that will become apparent.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  6. cbrmale

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    I don't believe in jealousy, if something was meant to last then it would have lasted. If it didn't last, then it wasn't meant to be. This applies to every aspect of a relationship, from picking a movie to see together to having sex to penis size. If you partner loves you, then these things will work out because she'll want them to.

    As to this comment, I think your girlfriend is giving you a hint that she wants your relationship to be more sexual. So rather than despair and depression, maybe you could ask her to show you a trick or three. I learned a lot from encouraging experienced girlfriends to reveal their turn-ons and fantasies to me, so I think you should give it a go. Indeed, you might be a lucky man. Fantastic easy-going sex doesn't come naturally, we have to learn it. And you may well have a capable and willing teacher.
     
  7. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    Well thanks everyone for the comments. And yes I myself HATE to feel jealous and I hate to feel like im taking it out on her because i dont blame her. And i tell myself and i tell her that its just stupid feelings. But at the same time they are there and a little hard to get over admittedly.

    Also as far as being more sexual the thing of that and part of what leads to some jealousy is the fact that i often or i should say there have been many times where i have tried or something to that affect and basically im turned down. which is fine if shes not up for it and doesnt feel like it then i have no complaints. but after she makes a comment like she did about her last relationship being so sexual i feel as if im doing something wrong. Because apparently it wasnt a problem before. and that makes me feel like IM the problem now. And i think that was a lot of it. Like i then kind of turned a way a minute i guess from her reaction making her feel bad not on purpose as i said i dont mean for it to affect her. But its like i have to deal with something and i dont want to comment on anything and have it come out wrong so i seclude it.

    And then i didnt feel up for "cuddling" like she wanted to and it took a lot more out of me just to get up to kiss her because it was just like....i dont know how to explain honestly.
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Don't mean to hijack the OP's thread, but ya know, that strikes me as a quite profound statement right there. I'm not convinced that it's true 100% of the time...it's possible to love each other dearly but have some barrier that gets in the way. But then, maybe the statement is still true...if you truly love each other, then you'll both work to remove whatever the barrier is (will you succeed though, becomes the question?)...if you don't, you won't.

    BD
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hmmm...my initial thought is that maybe she needs some assurance that you are interested in her for more than just sex. By refusing to cuddle rather than screw, perhaps you've sent her a clear message that screwing is all you're interested in?

    I believe that most women (in particular...some men, but not that many) need to "feel loved" long before it's time for sex. Perhaps you should examine how you two interact outside of the bedroom first? The two definitely are related.

    Why don't you just talk to her? Be sincere...have a candid talk about sex, find out what she likes and what makes it work for her. It sounds like she's trying to send you some sort of message without explicitly telling you, but you're not getting it. (And don't feel bad...I don't "get" messages sometimes either.) Talk to her openly and honestly...ask her for details about the prior sexual relationship and what she liked about it. Find a way to feel turned-on by whatever details she gives you rather than feeling jealous about it. And (very important)...keep it positive...if you "punish" someone for opening up and being honest and candid, they learn NOT to do that. Make her feel safe in telling you those sexual details plus anything else...that will go a long way I believe.

    BD
     
  10. Dreama

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    Perhaps she needs more cuddling to feel comfortable sharing herself sexually with you. You should probably have an honest conversation with her about this whole thing.
     
  11. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Yeah...

    ...that's so sweet. My favorite is "If you love someone, chain them up in the basement.
    If they get away, dig the well deeper next time."

    :lol
     
  12. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    I think i phrased it wrong. Like we cuddle and i enjoy it. And thats all fine and dandy. But the thing was partly heres a lil more background story to that particular situation.

    We were laying together "Cuddling" watching the movie 300. And then shes like huh...i dont remember any of this part and i make a joke saying "probably because you were too busy having sex" and she goes "no" and so i go "oh!..that must have been later during the movie" and she made her lil smile thing like when something is true kind of thing...and im like i dont know it just kind of hit me very weird at that moment and i was just taken back. I made the comment as a joke not expecting it to be true and then i felt as if i was out of place at the moment being with her and especially with that movie cuddling with her. And having that movie on then. On top of the fact yes i was jealous for some reason. Its stupid i know but i cant help how i feel.

    And at that point i kind of just backed away and got silent as a bunch of BS ran through my head that i knew i shouldnt be thinking about especially the way i was.

    And she kind of got how i was and i admitted to her that for some reason i was jealous and upset. And you know i kind of stayed distant for a bit while she was like "fine then dont cuddle with me" and such.....



    Also i have to add that when she made the comment of her last relationship being very sexual not only jealous but it felt as if i just simply didnt do it for her. because if it was sexual then that means that shes a sexual person. And she seems to find it rather easy to well turn me down when i try or ask or w/e the case may be.


    And i dont know if its odd or anything..usually i dont get much turned on by kissing. depending on my mood or who the person is but she can def get me turned on by kissing and such and well it could be heavy kissing like her on top of me and everything and she says it doesnt do anything for her. So i dont know what to think about that either.
     
  13. Dreama

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    Well, you kind of walked in to that response, when you made that comment. I have to admit, I may have been offended, if my hubby said that to me about my past. I think it might be best if neither of you brought up her past. If you can't handle the truth, you should not ask for it. Perhaps you should tell her that perhaps she shouldn't volunteer the information to you, because it makes you uncomfortable. And, don't compare yourself to your past relationships...And also, talk to her about how you're feeling!!!
     
  14. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    BD said
    How true both statements are.
    But Pride you have started quiet a few threads here, Mostly stating that you can't get a piece of ass.
    And now you are getting jealous because She said that She had a very sexual
    life with Her former lover.
    She just may be hinting that She needs a sexual life.
    So what is the hold up, Fuck Her till you both go blind.
    Never be jealous, But do start a sex life now.

    Hiker
     
  15. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    Ha will do. Actually we had quite a nice night tonight. Very enjoyable and talked about a lot as well over dinner at Applebees. Thanks for everyones input good, bad, nice and tough all is appreciated after the talk we had i think im pretty happy where this could end up. :)
     
  16. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    She's with you now. Therefore she clearly thinks you are better than her "sexual" ex.
     
  17. bsxy420

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    pride, theres a reason that she is with you now and not with her former lover. look at it that way. aparently you are doing something right! let her past go, and if you poke at her past dont get upset when she agrees that it did happen. you are in a relationship to make the other happy.
     
  18. Joe

    Joe
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    Sometimes certain things are better left unsaid. Jealousy isn't uncommon, especially in newer relationships where you're not sure of your partner's true feelings. I think most of us have to deal with a touch of jealousy/insecurity at times.

    Here's the tough part to accept: in some ways, you don't quite measure up to your gal's previous partner. She probably doesn't dwell on those aspects of you, but she knows it's true. And if you've had a previous partner, the same will be true with you. I'm sure you don't think about it much, but if you stop and think, you know it's true. These are the things that are better left unsaid. None of us like to come out on the bottom in a comparison rating.

    Your problem is probably that YOU are doing the comparing -- comparing yourself to her previous partner -- and that's where the insecurities come into play, and jealousy will be right on its heels. In truth, there's really only one comparison that matters: she's chosen to be with you and not him.

    My wife and I talk a LOT about our past. We've both had our share of partners, and they're all part of that past, but I try to not talk much about my previous partners, at least not about the things that I might miss, and my wife does the same. That doesn't mean we're not being open and honest with each other, it just means we know some things are better left unsaid -- and unasked.
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hello...if you don't want an answer, maybe you shouldn't ask the question, eh? ;) Not meaning to slam you...but it just kills me when people ask a question, get an honest answer, and then get pissed because it's not the answer they wanted. Don't self-sabotage, dude. If there's something you'd rather not know, then don't ask it.

    And correct...we cannot help how we feel, absolutely agreed...BUT what we can help is what we DO with those feelings. Think about that for a while...

    BD
     
  20. cook74

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    I don't understand this at all. You are a great looking guy that, I am sure many girls will fall for (I'm not gay, but you do have a great bod) So what the hell are you doing getting yourself worked up over your girlfriend's past boyfriends for??:uhh:

    Personally I have never felt green with any of my past lovers. I think jealousy comes from insecurity and doubt. I just can't see why a good looking, healthy, young man like you has any of that. Anyway, I hope you learn to deal with that side of you because there are probably bigger trials awaiting you in years to come.