I've been married almost a year. I need someone's help...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by raiderxx, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. raiderxx

    raiderxx New Member

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    Honestly, I think this might be something to discuss with a therapist, but seeing as I wouldn't be able to do that without my wife finding out, I figured I'd try my luck and see if I could get any advice on here:

    So the backstory. My wife and I dated 3 years before we got engaged. After a year of dating we decided to start having sex. I would describe out sex life as very good. We'd have sex I'd say 8 times a week on average, sometimes more sometimes less, depending. She had been on the pill to regulate her periods but usually used condoms. Our engagement was about a year and a half, at which time we said our vows, did all that lovely stuff, and moved together!

    But six months before we got married, I spent some time in Europe. During this time, we obviously stopped having sex as often. Once I got back, she started getting pains when having sex. Sometimes as much as after a few minutes, she'd have to stop, becuase it was so painful for her, sometimes we wouldn't be able to get me in. We tried everything.. Condoms, no condoms. Lube, foreplay both ways, everything. She went to a gyno and he/she mentioned that there might be a growth or something that might be causing the pain, but they weren't sure. They gave her some meds and that was as far as I heard about that. We would try from time to time, but she would always either freak out from the pain, or just get nervous and extremely embarrassed that we couldn't have sex and stop, or both. She mentioned that her sex drive had definitely dropped during this whole ordeal. This was all within the first few months of being married.

    A few months after, she had decided to stop the pill. Her doc said that since she'd been taking it for so long (~10 years) it might be affecting her sex drive. So she got off of it. We had a sex a few times. These were the first times I was able to actually finish! But then she started to get her period.... Afer a couple of those, she decided to go back on the pill. I was fairly nervous
    for her to do that, but who am I to mention that when she was obviously in so much pain while off? Once she started the pill, nothing really changed. We were still able to have sex once in while, but I'm talking once a month or so. We've been married now for 11 months now, and I can probably count on one hand how many times we've really had sex.

    Within the last few months, it seems as though she's just decided to accept it. She'd insert a joke in our conversation about not being able to have sex. But every time I try to be intimate with her, she is a bit, but won't go all the way. We love to cuddle, and we do, but that's it. Nothing else.

    The other day, she made a joke about how we didn't have sex. I don't know if I made a face that looked hurt or it was just coincidence, but she asked later that night if I'd like shower with her! I always like doing that, mostly because doing so usually leads to other stuff.. But not that night. She literally showered herself while I stood there with her then left. I had tried to sensually wash her body but I was turned donw I asked if she wanted to stay while I washed myself and she said no. It was as though she thought that "showering" with her would keep me appeased.

    I'd like to add at one time, I would innitiate things, but since everything started happening, I wouldn't, since she would get upset or just deny me. So the few times we did have sex, were completely her decision.

    So my dilemma is this.. I've tried bringing up our problems in conversation, but it always turns out us saying "yeah that sucks.." or just her dismissing it. Do I just deal with it, and hope it gets better? I mean, she knows that we're not having sex, and she knows that it's a problem. I mean, we're 24 years old.. On
    the other hand, if I sit her down, and tell her how much it's bothering me, two things will happen: She'll still have some problem or another, or we'll have sex and even if it's genuine, I will feel that it is out of pity.... I do understand that in the past, she did have pain. And there are other reasons that are legitimate. She doesn't like to have sex while on her period. Fine by me. But her other reasons make it seem like it's not just the pain anymore.. She says things like she's not shaved (which I have told her time and time again I don't care one speck about..), or her back hurts or something else.

    I've even tried to suggest oral. I would love nothing more than to go down on her for hours just to be sexual with her again.. And I've tried, to no avail..

    Isn't this supposed to happen to marriages later down the line?? Not a couple not even married for a year...

    The thing that shocks me the most is, after almost a year, we really are happy. We cuddle, we laugh, we joke, make fun, whatever. We truely enjoy each other's company. We just don't have sex........ And I hate to say that "shocks" me, but it does. I mean, it just doesn't seem.... fair.. To either of us.

    Heh. That's a lot of "..."s. Sorry. If anybody could give me guidance, I would really truely appreciate it. I honesltly believe that directly confronting her will not help because of the reasons above. Thank you so much for getting all the way through to the end. I am very grateful.

    PS. The part that almost makes me laugh out loud, and my wife probably laughs at it too, is she is getting her doctorate in marriage theropy.. :lol
     
  2. cbrmale

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    I think that now is a good time to draw stumps and look at a divorce, because you two are not sexually compatible at all! You have tried talking and it didn't work, she knows about relationships through her studies so she knows what is normal, so if you don't end it you are going to live a sexless life.

    My wife has a very high sex drive but there are other issues at play in our relationship. She knew that if things didn't go well enough that I would (and did) have sex with another woman. But she loves me enough, and is attracted to aspects of my personality enough to trade sex for my affection. Which is what most women who love their partners do.

    In other words: she doesn't love you.
     
  3. China

    China New Member

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    I would say see a different doctor, sounds like she may have vaginismus, which is going to make sex not just painful but humiliating and psychological hurtfull .
    Therefore she wont want to do it.

    It is treatable.
     
  4. Dragon_Fire

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    No it shouldn't happen to any truly compatible couple no matter how longer they've been married.

    I'm with China, I think it sounds like vaginismus. The vagina goes into a spasm and becomes very painful or impossible to penetrate. It is not under her control and guilt or embarassment about it is probably why she is avoiding all other sexual contact.
     
  5. AHappyWife

    AHappyWife New Member

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    From what I understand, vaginismus is constant pain and does not come and go. Some have surgury and it still does not allevaite the pain. This condition is real and very tragic.

    Since she went to a ob/gyn, it's clear she does not have an std.

    The more I read your post, the more I began to think it was her choice alone. Like df said, how long a couple is married does not reflect their sex life. Love, caring and compatibility do. At 24, you're very young and if this is left to it's own, you two will grow farther apart and begin to hate each other.

    The fact that she is studying to be a marriage counsler and will not make the effort in her own marriage is startling. Even if she was in pain, there are so many different ways she could be intimate with you and provide you with the sexual release you deserve. Her inviting you to a shower and then leaving you hanging is very selfish and says much about her. She was better off the pill but decided to go back on it? What does that tell you? It appears to me like she thinks you are her good friend to hang out with and not much more. She's using you for whatever reason. No way can she be madly in love with you and leave you desperate for her attention!

    If you love her, I highly recommend that you see a real marriage counsler. Preferably one who is actually married.
    Although, her caring nature is suspect towards you and I don't think that can be treated. Actions speak louder than words.
    Sex stopped right after you married her. I have heard this so many times from men and just don't understand why it happens!

    There is also the very real possibility that your wife is having an ongoing affair and/or is totally gay. Have you thought of asking her about that? If you're to scared to, ask her about a 3some with another chick and see how that goes.

    Whatever her problem(s), you deserve so much better.
    I pray that all great things come your way in life.
     
    #5 AHappyWife, Apr 18, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2012
  6. yuyo

    yuyo New Member

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    I think she is not too attracted to you physically. It seems to me that the only person in love in that relationship its you.

    I say get couples counseling together, and try to decide fast what the future awaits to you as a couple. You are very young and would be a shame that you waste 10 years or more with someone that its not compatible with you or doesn't love you as much as you do.
     
  7. AGFUNK

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    I'm going with what others have said and do try to see a marriage counselor and for her to get counseling on her own as well. She could be truly scared of having pain again and just closing off sex as to not feel the pain that intercourse brings her. That is purely psychological if the doctors have said that there is nothing wrong with her vagina. Although with her just denying to give you any type of release and even denying anything sexual from you that doesn't involve penetration could say that she is having an affair, not attracted to you or just does not like having sex at all.

    But really the only way to resolve anything is to talk to her about it. Put your foot down and tell her in a caring way that she needs to talk about your sex life because it is hurting you that she keeps turning you down. If she does truly love you she will talk to you about it if she knows that it's hurting you that she won't even talk about it. Make it clear that it's not all just about sex that it does hurt your feelings. Hopefully with that she will open up and talk. If she still won't talk about it after that then you should sit down and think about your relationship as a whole and think if how your relationship is now and if you can live like that for the rest of your life without cheating. It might be better for you to get a divorce but like I said think about your whole relationship before making a decision on that.
     
  8. Meee

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    Hi. Welcome to the site.

    I am stopped by the fact that she got on the pill when she was 13 and she's been on it almost the whole time ever since. She got off the pill and her periods were so bad (in some way that you didn't get specific about) that she got back on it. She has pain from penetration so bad that she freaks out. She needs to sit down with a new gynecologist and get her history and her symptoms reviewed, along with her state of mind about her own body, frankly. And you need to be informed about it every step. You're married now. You're a team. You have a role to play in her health care. You shouldn't even be worried about sex right now. You--as a couple--have a health problem to work on. Once she's in better health, that might solve some of the problems, and then you'll see what problems are left for you to work on, probably with marriage counseling.
     
    #8 Meee, Apr 18, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2012
  9. boobjob

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    As always. Mee says it best
     
  10. 1hotmamma420

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    Yep, Meee said it best.
    Get another gyno, push for answers. She may have to see a therapist... It could be psychological. Is she depressed at all?
     
  11. Godiva

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    Hmm I have a bit of new input. Maybe the taboo of premarital sex is gone and so it's less thrilling. Maybe she just has forgot about sex since abstaining for so long and selfishly has no interest in it and either doesnt care to help you out or just hasn't realized it's a big deal for you.

    Sorry buddy but you have to say, in a loving way, that this is a big issue for you and you just want to feel close to her intimately again, make her feel cherished.

    But I've had a similar issue. I got all the tests done and everything. Came back normal so now I have pain for no reason and this too after a break.

    Tell her ur married now and a team, ask her why she won't and the take steps to solve the problem whether it be her health or maybe she's bored and you can start dancing lessons to get fit and liven the romance.


    Thats how I would go, I'm 24 too but I'm not married and I'm not very wise but I do feel for you. It sucks when your the one starved of some loving.
     
  12. AHappyWife

    AHappyWife New Member

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    I'm very curious to know what role he he has in her healthcare? She is not a child to be babied like her mom did but a fullgrown, married woman who is 100% responsible for herself. I've been married for eight years (together for 15) and my husband hasn't had any role in my healthcare. None. Her ob did not diagnosis her with a medical condition.

    Also, I've had heavy and painful periods since I was 12. And sometimes having sex is painful in general.

    I think advising a 24 year old man that he should not be concerend about sex right now with his new wife is wrong. Don't forget that they had sex before they got married without a problem. One month after the marriage, she's leaves him alone in the shower and bedroom. Just because she's scared or might be depressed? I don't buy it for a second.

    The most important factor is that she has multiple options to share some intimacy and her love for him and simply chooses not to. Obviously, she has no care at all for him sexually. To me that's not fear, being scared, or a pain inducer. What it is is utterly thoughtless and extremely selfish.

    No ob can fix that. Only she can.