[Ask a Guy] Issue with Orgasms

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by coffyebean, Apr 30, 2011.

  1. coffyebean

    coffyebean New Member

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    Alright, my sex life isn't very...well it's pretty much non existent. Although we have a son, I understand that sometimes it's hard to have a sex life with children...but our son is very well behaved and we have 1-2 hours every night to just lie in bed without worrying about getting enough sleep for work.

    It seems like no matter what I do...trying to touch him, kissing him...it just doesn't turn him on. He says his stressful job (and I know it's stressful because we work at the same place) makes it so he has no drive what so ever! I can understand this and I try and massage to get him to relax..hot food and a nice hot shower...and still..NOTHING. Then, when the time does come...it's like...he gets his and it's over! In the 8 years we have been together I have NEVER had an orgasm! Not one! I have brought myself to orgasm once...but I don't do it anymore because I want to badly to achieve it WITH him.

    Please help...any ideas would be useful.
     
  2. Kermit

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    Have you talked to him about delaying his ejaculation to make it last longer? Stop and go technique if he can stop in time and rest is good. If you use that in conjunction of a vibrating cock ring might help. But until you work it out a vibrator might help in between times, him using it on you even after his orgasm if he's a good man.
     
  3. gyfo

    gyfo New Member

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    I understand that stress can play a big part. But he needs to learn how to leave work at work. Easier said than done? Maybe so.. But I have a stressful life as well. I have massive targets to hit every month and a run a sideline business. And I still manage to get sex in almost every day or at least 4 times a week and need to masturbate most mornings as well..

    Maybe I'm just a freak. But it sounds to me like you need to have a sit down and talk. Cos he defo needs to make more of an effort.. Sex is a great stress reliever. And as far as the orgasms go.. Get him to do more oral on you.. That's normally a winnder :)
     
  4. Kermit

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    But even if he's stressed, a blowjob or handjob takes no effort on his part, not enough to make him cum and finish but enough to take his mind off and relax. A good warm up for him too.
     
  5. collette

    collette Member

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    This might seem an obvious question, but does he know you haven't ? Is it possible he just assumes you have? In any case you definitely need to discuss that issue if you haven't - even if he doesn't have a sex drive he should want to take care of you.
     
  6. cbrmale

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    I don't know the exact statistics, but about 30% of women never orgasm from intercourse only, and about 40% orgasm only sometimes. This means a lucky 30% or perhaps not even that many. It's been published in a book somewhere, but something I've been doing for as long as I've been having sex, which is a very long time, is my partner comes first. This means that we have oral sex or something different for variety, until my partner (wife or lover) has her orgasm, and only then do we move onto intercourse. We do this mostly but not always, sometimes changing the script for variety. My wife is very orgasmic so she comes easily, and sometimes she comes again during intercourse. She says that orgasm during intercourse is more intense, but all orgasms are nice.

    Oral sex is the answer, a man's tongue is far more useful than his penis! Train him, and bliss will be yours. Actually, talk about how you would like to spice up your sex life, and get his agreement to buy or hire sex education DVDs (I recommend the Sinclair Institute). They will certainly cover oral sex and the sort of sexual scripts that bring women pleasure, and from there you can encourage him to expand his sexual repertoire somewhat. If he isn't turned on by watching real-life couples and by the thought of doing what they are doing, exploring your pussy until he brings you incredible delight, then I would be surprised.
     
  7. Kermit

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    yep a rule of mine "ladies cum first" lol
     
  8. lbushwalker

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    Know thyself first.
    Dear CB if he won't do it for you, do it for yourself for goodness sake!
    Denying that of yourself seems almost criminal to me.
    Go buy yourself a vibrator, sexy nickers, bras....anything to give yourself sexual pleasure and feel sexy and who know what might happen from that alone?
     
  9. 6stringking

    6stringking Member

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    That usually is with women under 25. And to the main question, communication is the key to a successful marriage
     
  10. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    Hi CB, I feel for you so much. The first thing to do is to start giving yourself those orgasms, please!
    I know you want to with him and that's as it should be but as its not happening there is no reason for you to go without, it won't affect you orgasming with him when he gets his act together.

    But the real problem is that massive rift between you both. So he's not there sexually, how is he with you outside of the bedroom? Do you feel loved, cherished? Or is he distant in other aspects of your lives as a couple too?
     
  11. coffyebean

    coffyebean New Member

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    I'm actually scared to tell him. I know if he finds out then his ego will take a HUGE hit. Needless to say he's not very well endowed in the first place and while some times it's alright...
     
  12. coffyebean

    coffyebean New Member

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    VERY distant. For a while I thought he was with another woman and that he had just lost his interest in me, but he NEVER leaves the house. I'm home when he is and...well...I do all the bill running and things and he just sits at home on the computer.....from the time he wakes to the time he lays back down.
     
  13. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    So, do you know what he is doing on the net?
     
  14. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    do you fake it?

    not telling him is going to result in more of the same. you have to TELL your partner what you want sometimes, what you NEED. make him understand how important it is to you.

    just make sure that when you do achieve an orgasm from him, you don't complain about how he isnt well endowed. those less fortunate down under can still be very good at fucking.
     
  15. cbrmale

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    The script of using oral sex or manual stimulation to ensure your partner has an orgasm before intercourse doesn't rely on penis size. But I don't know how you're going to tell him after so many years, especially if he might be sensitive about his lack of size in the first place. One thing I can tell you is that by any standards I am huge, and I don't deny that my size has led to some amazing orgams for my partners during intercourse at times, but most of the time it doesn't. I have to hit the right spot the right way and last long enough.

    This may help: intercourse is a hit and miss way of women receiving orgasms but oral sex done right has a 100% success rate. And while size might make it easier for women to orgasm, even a huge penis is no guarantee of success most of the time.

    Perhaps the best way might be a white lie that sometimes you come and what you would like to do is come more often, and the best way for that to happen is to try other things, like oral sex. But even that's easier said than done: I learned how to do oral sex by asking a partner to show me how she masturbated, and I watched her before imitiating her movements and the place she touched with my tongue, and that's how I first had success! Oral sex is not an easy thing to master, and it takes the will to learn to get there.
     
  16. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    First things first....

    1) He needs to know that you are VERY discontent with your sex life. He needs to know that you have an appetite that's being unmet. You don't make it clear whether or not you've communicated that fact clearly with him.

    2) Stress? No excuse. No woman should have to feel as hungry as you do inside, without her partner at least trying to do what's right.

    3) Start by trying to have orgasms with him - don't worry so much if they happen during intercourse. When I read your original post, it sounded to me like you're not cumming with him at all, in any way, shape, form, or fashion. If nothing else, he should be able to do down on you, and satisfy you orally. That's something he should be able to do, no matter how much his job is stressing him out! He doesn't even need to get it up for that. Find one of those signs that says ALWAYS KISS ME GOODNIGHT, and hang it up in your bedroom :^)

    4) Kids? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? If not, please visit Home Depot this weekend.

    5) Unless all that makes things better, as others have said, it's nearing the time that his ego take that huge hit. Out of fear of hurting his feelings, you've let this problem get as bad as it has. If things don't improve dramatically, you need to communicate your unmet needs to him. Otherwise, how can you expect him to improve?

    Good luck...
     
  17. 33stack

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    Would u be happy if he gave u an orgasm orally then had sex with u?
     
  18. Kermit

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    Speaking of ego..what do you think he's doing to your ego by showing no interest at all or not taking the time to take care of your needs? You worry about his but i'm sure this has taken a toll on your ego. Sex isn't just about getting off, i guess for me as a guy (maybe i'm differert), it's also letting my partner (and in this case now my wife) shes' still sexy and adored which i do by lavishing attention on her and my insistence that she gets off that i take the time (usually a half hour) of devoting myself to her pleasure whenever she wants it.

    Okay you say he's always at the computer. I've talked to enough people to see a sign he might have an internet porn addiction. And yes to the point of neglecting their partners sexually in favor of internet porn.
     
  19. collette

    collette Member

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    When I made my first post here in January it was very similar to yours but I had let my situation go for twice as long as yours! And by that time it was too late as all the concern had turned to resentment and I no longer had interest in "fixing" it.

    So it is very important that you talk to him- your ego and self esteem is in jeopardy here! There is a problem, of that he is surely already aware.

    If you broach it to him in terms of what you need, and how he can meet those needs, perhaps he will see it is a way he can feel better about himself as well.

    From your description I can't help wonder if his description of "stress" is actually a code word for "depression" - in any case there are so many things that can be going on - I know I never did figure out what went wrong over here.

    Good luck sweetie.
     
  20. Pickway

    Pickway New Member

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    I think you need to broach the subject with him, not just in the bedroom but outside as well. He may not really realise how you feel, he may be so caught up in work and stress that he doesn't notice (Bad I know but it does happen!) Once he realises how you feel he may want to try and sort things out. There's no point in worrying on your own if he doesn't even know how you feel because then things won't change.