Is This Normal?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by mousse, May 21, 2007.

  1. mousse

    mousse New Member

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    Let's say you are dating someone and one day he goes too far so you tell them that you are a virgin and that you don't want any kind of sex. A week or so later, on his way to dropping you off, he stops by a parking lot, and begins to make out with you. Not long after he begins to make sexual advances. You freeze up in fear and are in so much shock that you don't say no. There is some force used to take off your clothes and such but no violence. He doesn't wear a condom. The next day he acts as though nothing happened.

    a) Does this sound like normal behavior? Is that what any average guy would do in that situation?

    -or-

    b) Do you get the feeling that this is very suspicious and that something may be wrong with this person?

    There's more to this story but I wanted to get people's opinions on the bare minimum before I reveal the rest. Thanks to anyone who responds.
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    This is not normal behavior in a loving relationship. This is controlling and disrespectful in the very least.
     
  3. SexyScorp

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    IMO

    It is quite abusive.....it is stepping over the line
     
  4. mousse

    mousse New Member

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    I'd also like to hear some of the guys perspectives on here. I personally could never see myself behaving that way (and there's more to it). But I suppose i'm not the average guy. Everyone else sounds so sex driven so it's hard to say what other guys opinions are when it comes to this stuff.
     
  5. onlyreece

    onlyreece New Member

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    Hey Mousse.

    I cannot say that is normal behaviour as it is certainly not something I would do and from the initial description a traumatic experience for the girl.

    In response to part B, indeed I think there is something wrong with the person as they appear to have tried to dismiss it as nothing the next day.

    Without a full description it is difficult to judge, however, I can say that this is definately not something any normal person should be doing.
     
  6. mousse

    mousse New Member

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    So far everyone agrees that this isn't normal. But would you go as far as to say it was a date rape?
     
  7. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    im not sure if i would say its rape...maybe nit normal but at the same time personally i dont think its too far out there

    like sum men are just a lil forceful and if the women doesnt say no or anything and no struggle or nothing then he may think its ok. but his intentions might be wrong or he might just have the wrong idea...
     
  8. LaVitaDolce

    LaVitaDolce New Member

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    I don't think I would call it rape because the girl didn't say no. She should of stood up for herself especially if she wasn't ready. That's definately NOT a loving relationship. Besides he knew she wasn't ready before so he should of asked her this time. He crossed the line.
     
  9. GreyGoose

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    I do not think what he did was right but also why would she not say no? If she didn't say no maybe he figured she was ok with it?
     
  10. Dreama

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    No that is RAPE. If he had to use force, it's RAPE. That is just my opinion though.
     
  11. Bella

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    I totally agree with Mel on this!
    ~Bella
     
  12. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    Its probably not classed as rape but its close to it. It seems like maybe he was testing the waters to see how far he could push it with her. And the next day he acts like nothing happens to see if he can get away with treating her like that. I was in a relationship that started like that and the best thing a woman can do is keep away from a guy like this. I'd say he had control issues.
     
  13. kw4dol4w

    kw4dol4w New Member

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    Because of this:
    "one day he goes too far so you tell them that you are a virgin and that you don't want any kind of sex."
    and this:
    "There is some force used to take off your clothes and such"

    It was clear from the start that she didn't want any kind of sex. There's no evidences that she changed her mind about it when the events occured, the guy didn't even ask her for consent and force had to be used. The fact that she didn't say anything when the events happened is NOT consent.

    This is NOT normal behavior. This is rape and should be reported imo.
     
  14. mousse

    mousse New Member

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    So I guess it's borderline huh.. hard to say because she didn't say no. But as I said before she was too afraid to say no. We have three responses when we think we're in danger; fight, flight, or freeze. She froze up and was absolutely non responsive.

    So about a week later she tried to make it work because it was her first time and because she blamed herself for not saying anything. After a movie he tried to push her to get undressed and whatnot. She said no but then he got real angry and made a whole speech about her being too introverted and that he can't help her. She felt like she had to make things work because he was the person who took her virginity. So she tried to make up with him. But this time it really hurt and she cried. After awhile he stopped and slumped over at the edge of the bed looking very upset and dissapointed. She felt so powerless to him and apologized for what she thought was her own shortcomings.

    A month later she gave him a letter explaining those two times. When they went on a date she asked if he read it and he said yes. She then asking for an explanation and he didn't answer. She started to push a little and finally he got mad and said "what do you want from me?" She responded, "I don't know, an apology?" Then he yelled at her, "FINE! i'm sorry okay! geez, shit."

    Because she had no prior relationship to compare him to and because she treasured her virginity so much she tried to make things work. Throughout the relationship he never asked, but told her what to do, and to stay away from his friends. He used her for two years and then cheated on her.

    A year after the relationship she started to develop symptoms of PTSD.

    He exhibited alot of controlling and power assertive flaws. But the big issue is she didn't say no. Though it seems pretty clear he knew she didn't want it but pushed for it anyway. Do we excuse this as just the typical asshole taking advantage? Or is he in fact a date rapist? Does a person HAVE to say no and defend herself in order for it to be classfied as rape?

    Just wanted to hear your opinions.

    a) Yes, this definately crosses the line
    b) No, he's just an asshole
     
  15. kw4dol4w

    kw4dol4w New Member

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    The girl has been physically and psychologically abused. This girl need all the help she can get. This jerk should be in jail and doing some kind of rehab. Really, there should be ZERO tolerance for this kind of behavior. This is criminal.
     
  16. Animularisen

    Animularisen New Member

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    It's basic rape tbh. If she didnt want it.
    Its happened to me more then once =(
     
  17. Lacy_Knickers

    Lacy_Knickers New Member

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    Yes, in my opinion, it is definately rape. It doesn't matter whether or not she directly said no, the fact is she didn't consent (say 'yes' to him or make her body language clear that she wanted to) and it seems to me from what you've told me that her body language made it clear she did not want to have sex with him. Not responding certainly doesn't mean 'yes'.

    I'm very sorry to hear your friend (I'm assuming) has gone through such an abusive relationship. You say she is showing symptoms of PTSD, is she receiving any counselling for it?
     
  18. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    OMG..MY heart goes out to this girl. My first relationship was so unhealthy to a man so similar to the guy described here. I was so vulnerable and caught off guard. One does not know what to do, and by the time things finally hit you..it is too late. Like everyone else has said..This guy has problems. The girl involved will need lots of support, loving, and nurturing to help her heal. It takes years to get back on stable ground, though one will never be the same. I sure hope that at this point, she has gotten away from him.
     
  19. Joe

    Joe
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    Imho, he's just an asshole. If I were on a rape case jury where the victim failed to say no, I wouldn't convict. I don't think what she told him a week earlier has much bearing on the night in question. Certainly his actions the next day don't.

    I hope it's not normal; I hope the average guy wouldn't act that way, and I think he has a problem -- he's an asshole. But it doesn't sound like rape to me, not just from what you've described. I'd have to be convinced otherwise, and what you've stated isn't enough.
     
  20. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    It's rape. Plain and simple. Would it hold up in court? Probably not. But he's still a rapist.

    I find it sad and a little scary that some people don't consider this act rape. That girl didn't say no, but she sure as hell never gave her consent, either. She made it very clear to him beforehand that she wasn't interested in sex and he chose to violate her boundaries.

    Here's a suggestion: When in doubt, the default answer should be assumed to be NO.

    If you are afraid to ask because you think the answer is going to be no, and you go ahead and fuck her anyway - while she silently grits her teeth and waits for you to get it over with - you are a rapist.

    Any questions?