[Ask a Girl] Is there something that I can do to get my wife to want to give more blowjobs?

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by nonpoint650, Oct 7, 2010.

  1. nonpoint650

    nonpoint650 New Member

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    I'm stressed out. I need more blow jobs, but my wife isn't willing to give them anymore. Do you have any advice on how to get her to want to give more blow jobs?

    I'm 28 and my sex drive is much higher than my 26 year old wife's. She's satisfied with once per week, or less, but I REALLY need to get off at least a few times per week to be happy. I get upset and self conscious every time she tells me to "just jerk off" and masturbating just makes me hornier and angry that I even need to in the first place. She only wants quickies and I want to spend the time to make it good. I've told her how I feel, but she makes my needs out to be unreasonable. I asked her to meet me half way and give me more sex and the occasional blow job and I'll do whatever she wants in exchange, but she told me that I already do everything that she wants, so there's nothing in it for her. I stopped doing stuff for her and stopped cleaning, but she just cut me off all together until I started again. I love getting head, but she only gave 4 blow jobs as foreplay last year, 2 blow jobs so far in 2010, and I don't even remember how long it's been since she gave me a blow job just for the hell of it. She used to give head almost every day for the first couple of months of our relationship, whether or not we were going to have sex, and I loved every second of it.

    I rub her feet everyday, I wash dishes, I do laundry, I clean the apartment more than she does, I take care of our pets, I cook when she doesn't feel up to it, I'll eat her out whenever, I researched how to give a great massage and I give them every day, etc.

    I tried to negotiate a 30 minute massage every day in exchange for 5, or so, blow jobs/week and I'll do my best to make it fast, but she says that she doesn't want to feel forced into giving head. She said that maybe if I give her the 30 minute massage that she'll want to give me head. I've tried several massages, but I haven't gotten any head and I'm thinking about telling her off for being manipulative and needy. This is probably a bad idea, but I'm a few days away from doing it. I'll admit that I'm being needy to, but the difference is that my needs aren't being met, or even attempted, and she gets everything she asks for. I'm desperate and even willing to pay her if that's what it takes, but I don't want to turn the woman that I love into a whore.

    Do any of you have any advice on how to get more blow jobs and make it feel like it's her idea?
     
  2. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    "Do any of you have any advice on how to get more blow jobs and make it feel like it's her idea?"

    Errrr I don't believe that's gonna happen, sorry. She's not doing it, on purpose. She knows that you'd really like to have a BJ more often, but isn't doing it for specific reasons.


    "I'm desperate and even willing to pay her if that's what it takes, but I don't want to turn the woman that I love into a whore."

    I'm a bit shocked that you'd make a statement like that......^ That tells me that there's a lot going on here.

    Basically......you two seem to have some real issues to get to in your communication. "Telling her off" as you mentioned would be the most counter-productive thing you could do right now. She may be harboring resentment over other things that you've said to her in the past. Words can scar a relationship. You have to choose them carefully. I remember several things that past gf's have said to me, as well as many things that my current fiance has said. I'm not easily offended either, so it's not just that I'm overly emotional and that's why I remember. It's because the one who loves you the most, is the one that you can hurt the most if your not careful.

    So my advice is that you two need to sit down and have a talk about your feelings for each other. But dude, for goodess sakes, don't mention BJ's. You not getting BJ's is because of something else. Said another way......the lack of BJ's is a symptom---not the actual problem. If you try to talk to her directly about the BJ's, she may just put her "walls" up and not be very receptive to teh rest of what you have to say. So don't even mention it.

    I'll guarantee that there are bigger things going on here than what your thinking.
     
  3. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Firstly...maybe you should simple ask her?!
    "why don't you like to give me head?"
    Maybe you aren't being hygienic enough. Maybe she does not enjoy it. Maybe it got old.

    I know myself, i only enjoy it for a few minutes, then it isn't fun, or my neck hurts etc...but i'm a trooper (for now) and i'll hang around for a good half hour (if he lasts that long)

    Quite frankly i can understand your frustration and firstly trying more polite fair ways is to be commended but you seem awful sour! I understand that you're trying to negotiate, but she might not want to for real serious reasons.

    There's nothing glamorous about giving head. The gagging, the neck cramps, the "i wonder how stupid my face looks right now stuffing this in my mouth" etc....but i overcome this for a want to please my partner (i have severe OCD so the fact i even put my mouth near that thing is a bloody miracle).

    On the productive side, try something to make it more comfortable for her after discussing her issues. Flavoured lubes and condoms....(i like the chocolate one) or try whipped cream, or your her favorite food on it. It's worth a try.

    But the main thing, ask her WHY she doesn't want to and she needs to give a reason.

    I know if my man never wanted to eat me out i might think i didn't wanna miss out and find someone else in the end. BUT i am a fair person i think and i don't let him eat me out anymore because i feel it's mean to put him through that (stubble burn, wetness everywhere, taste, smell...not my thang) , i wouldn't do it so i don't think he should-he insists he wants to but i still won't let him because i am selfish but not enough to put him through that for my own selfish pleasure.

    If it's a taste thing for her, try zero condoms you can feel a lot apparently.

    Maybe she feels dirty...and was raised religiously...and because you've been together a while she doesn't feel she needs to do it to keep you around anymore and can relax for her morals sake.

    What's changed? Maybe you need to buff up a bit to get her more attracted to you or buy new clothes, try something new. RAVISH her with TRUE compliments, it makes her feel sexy to you and so she feels sexier and will act sexier...

    Bring the spice back, take her out on a real date. If all else just point out how you think she might be being slightly unfair and list the reasons you mentioned above but in a calm manner. I'm interested to see what she says.

    it could be a lot of things. Ask :)
     
  4. nonpoint650

    nonpoint650 New Member

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    I've never actually called her any names. I have expressed a desire for more sex and or blow jobs, but it started out with me just asking her what I'm doing wrong to cause her libido to drop. I've never actually offered her money, but i was just saying that it's gotten to the point that I'm willing to spend it if that's what it takes. I'll be honest. I do harbor resentment for her and I have ever since we got home from our honeymoon, because of her decline in sex drive, but I've never called her names or said anything hurtful to her. I do my best to be the best husband that I can be. I complement her and tell her that I lover her all the time. I try hard to give her every bit of emotional support. I do love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't deserve to be undersexed. I'm convinced that I'm being to good to her and that this is a problem. If I ever told her the way that I'm feeling, it would probably destroy her. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and that she won't respect me as a man until I treat her the way that I feel she's treating me. I've asked her if I'm doing or saying anything wrong to lower her libido and she's told me that it's her. I do feel resentment towards her because of this, but I've had the class to be more dignified around her than I am here. The only reason that I'm talking like this is because I'm pissed off at the situation that I've found myself in and I feel like there's no desirable conclusion. I know that I've probably made an ass of myself, but I am desperate and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've asked her if anything is my fault and for advice on how I can be a better husband and she's told me that I'm doing everything right. I just don't know where else to turn.
     
  5. Barbwire

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    Michellesoldman is right, you situation is about a lot more than BJ's. The way you describe your relationship, you are both immature and manipulative. You don't know how to communicate well and your resentment towards one another is growing.

    To me, it sounds like maybe you need to seek professional help in the form of counseling as your issues aren't the type to be resolved by talking to folks on a sex forum.

    Good luck in fixing this, I hope you keep us updated on what is going on.

    Welcome to SF, btw.
     
  6. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    nonpoint,

    If you would indulge me, I think I can offer some help, or at least some clarity into the situation. I believe we've gotten a skewed view of your personality from your description of the situation. From your posts above, you seem harsh, critical, and a bit selfish.

    I do not believe this to be true.

    I believe that in your first few posts, you've been venting, which is perfectly acceptable. Vent. People need to in order to see the problem more clearly, before they can start sharing and finding a solution. From what you've said, I don't believe you to be overly-critical or cruel, just very frustrated.

    Michellesoldman nailed it:
    There is something wrong in the relationship, be it with you, her, or between you; something needs attention. In order to identify this problem, we will need more information about your wife, as we've heard very little about her.

    What is her work schedule like? Any kids? Stress? Family? Depression? Habbits? Does she seem like a generally happy person? Has her demenor or behavior noticeably changed in the past several months? Is she on any perscription medications?

    If we hear a bit more about your lady, we'll be able to help you better; but as it stands, the lack of oral sex is a product of something else that is complicated by poor communication between you. It may even be something she hasn't identified yet. Let us know and we can help you better.

    Wishing you the best,
    ~Steve
     
  7. Mittimer

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    Just throwing my two cents in on this topic.
    The fact that you're doing things and in return you EXPECT to be giving sex/blow jobs in return, makes me sick.

    When will people understand that sex is a gift in a relationship. It's not something you pay or barter for, it's absolutely not something you manipulate someone you love for.
    Steve seems to feel that you're just venting, but you've shown by your actions that it's not venting, you've actually done things to try to get her to do something she obviously doesn't want to do.

    You should, without arterial motive help clean the house that you live in, help cook the dinner that you eat, help take care of the pets that you too own. It's not that hard to see that sex doesn't come in as payment for these things. To even thing they do is remarkably foolish.

    When you tell us you've talked to her about this, is it a "I NEED to get off and you're not doing it and it makes me unhappy" type of talk, or is it a "Sit down, we need to discuss something" and you calmly explain to her that you're feeling as though she doesn't want you any more because of the lack of sexual contact between you two. NOT that you don't enough blow jobs in return for eating her out, NOT that you don't get enough sex for all the massages that you give her, but that as a couple, as a husband and wife, you feel something is astray in the relationship due to the lack of sexual contact between lovers.

    To add also,
    If she's clearly stated that it's her, then get her help. Maybe she's depressed. Depression can cause a steady decline in sex drive. Get help together before assuming shit and getting angry or resenting your wife.
     
    #7 Mittimer, Oct 7, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2010
  8. cbrmale

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    This is a common enough scenario, especially in sexual help forums like this one. The normal 'solution' is to help out around the house, reduce the stress load on the woman, make her feel loved, and so on and so on. And, as you have found out, this rarely works!

    I am very contrary to Mittimer on this one, in that love doesn't mean constantly refusing advances or requests. I'm not saying your wife doesn't love you anymore, but everyone who is in a relationship has to consider the needs, wants and desires of their partner, and the hurts and anxieties that their own actions may bring to that partner. For more on this, I recommend the book 'Passionate Marriage' of some years ago, or more recently 'Mating in Captivity'.

    It seems that your total sex life is less than you desire, not just blow jobs. I'm ambivalent towards blow jobs as a total sex act, but then I'm not built for them. But my wife often does them as foreplay, and I enjoy them very much.

    The reduction of female libido in marriage is very common in Western societies at least, and currently I am involved on the fringes of researching female testosterone levels of various races and various stages of relationships. We do know that partner-sex increases testosterone, the sex-drive hormone, which creates more sexual desire, which is then resolved, increasing testosterone, and so on. The converse is also true, that denial of sex reduces testosterone, reducing sex drive, reducing sex, reducing testorone, and so on. What we are aiming to find out is why many women suffer a major decline in sex drive within 3 to 5 years of the commencement of a relationship, regardless of the status of that relationship (children, no children, both working, stay at home mum etc). I am also aware of more and more GPs requesting female testosterone tests in order to analyse failing libido on a case by case basis. In the world of Pathology, measuring female testosterone is a complex test that only a few labs can do, including where I work.

    In the world of negotiation, the two rules are to use the 'I' word (I love it when you give me a great blow job, it makes me feel great for days afterwards), and also to achieve a win-win situation. You have been attempting the latter by trying to trade something she likes (I presume), for something you like. Doesn't always work for sex though, but the 'I' word negotiation often does. So, when you attempt to talk this through, think of the way you are expressing your desires, and see if that helps. Beyond that, I can't offer much more except to say that what you are going through is very common in the West, and to this point in time there has not been a solution, but a trend has recently developed in regards to the prescription of testosterone to women with a low sex drive. But, as I mentioned, prescribing and measuring testosterone is a tricky thing.
     
  9. HardRocker

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    All I can add to the above is a tidbit I recently posted in another thread(that I may have pirated from another SF member). And that is treat her like she's your girlfriend, not just a domestic partner. It may be hard to get the knack of that after languishing in the drudgery of family life. That's a great way to spark some of the old lost love. Make time for dates and take her out to do things like you did while you were dating.

    I have to agree with all of the above, any bargaining and negotiating might make her feel like you consider her a service provider.
     
  10. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Go down on her more often!
     
  11. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    No, you don't. It sounds like you make an effort to be nice to her and she turns you down time and time again. It seems that being mr. nice guy isn't working out for her or for you.

    What you should do is be less nice to her. I don't mean be mean or nasty, but just turn off the niceness. It's kind of hard to explain exactly what I mean by this. Of course, you should still be pleasant to her, ask her how her day was, and all that, but just try to be less eager about having sex with her.

    I've had encountered this problem once before, and one thing I know about people (not just women), is that anything that comes easy to them is taken for granted. Make yourself less available to her. Go out more with friends, stay longer at work. Let her make some effort to want you.

    I've always had a few platonic female friends so whenever I've had a girlfriend that was playing up, I just hung out with them. Most women (but not all) can't stand the thought of their man having more fun with another woman even if it's completely non-sexual.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    I had some problems with too much sexual passivity in our past, and in the end I had an affair, and then another affair. My wife guessed what was going on, and then she became more receptive to learning more about sex and expanding her sexual repertoire. Until then, whatever negotiation I had tried had been turned down, generally with comments about me being obsessed with sex. So jealousy can be used to resolve sexual issues in relationships, be that platonic jealousy or sexual jealousy.

    I don't recommend an affair to resplve this particular issue, although more than half of married men will have an affair at some point in their lives. The reason my affair happened was because I was both sexually frustrated and away from home a lot, and that's a potent combination. When someone is frustrated, maybe it doesn't take much, and I think that many women know this.
     
  13. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Marc has a great point here. I know that I tend to be a bit over anxious sometimes with my girl. Her drive is lower than mine, so if I mention something about sex every time that "I" think about it, it becomes a real pain in the ass to her. So what I do when I really want to tell her "GAWD, I could eat your honeycomb till my tongue fell off, right now!!" I'll substitute that with "I just can't seem to get close enough to you right now. If I were to be able to climb into your skin, it still just wouldn't be enough". -----Turn your sexual thoughts into something that's more easily accepted to her. If you combine that, with not being in each other's faces so much like Marc suggested, it will give her a chance to miss you.

    Now....at the same time, I still think that there are much bigger issues at work here. On THAT point, you may need to step back from this long enough to regroup your thoughts, because she may not be very receptive to working this out right away. You may have to work through several less-intense discussions before jumping into the really deep stuff. I'm not saying that it WILL be that way, but you need to be prepared for many more talks than just one, if you expect to get anywhere with this. One discussion rarely accomplishes much. Ever hear a real therapist say "well, if you meet with me for an hour on Wednesday, we should be able to get this taken care of for you?.....NOPE! Because real issues with real people just aren't that easy to fix.
     
    #13 Michellesoldman, Oct 8, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2010