is sex important in a relation ship?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by idk, Nov 18, 2006.

  1. idk

    idk New Member

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    me and my girlfriend have been goin out for 10 months now. we are both very close to eachother and have very strong feelings for one another. my question is she doesnt like to be sexualy active as much as i do, she will usualy want it once a week or less. it just concerns me that maybe she doesnt really have a conection with me that we both think she does beacause i feel like when we are sexualy active it brings our relationship closer and more of a relationship, i mean we still get out and do things and its not like all im asking for is sex.

    can someone help me, i dont know what to do, i have tried talking to her and nothing changes, she just doesnt want it?
     
  2. Chris.sv

    Chris.sv New Member

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    What does she do to show you she cares about you? Some people just don't have a high sex drive..
     
  3. idk

    idk New Member

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    she does alot to show she cares about me, i know she cares about me and i care about her i just feel like sexual activity is what makes a relationship, i mean if you werent going to have sexual activities wouldint you as might as well just be called friends, i dont know its wierd i cant explain it. im just frusterated cuz i want to feel the love i have for her in that kind of a way
     
  4. cbrmale

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    It is posisble that the 'love' your girl feels for you is based more on friendship than lust, this is surprisingly common in relationships. Relationships based on erotic attraction only generally don't last because the couple have little in common beyond sexual desire. Friendship-relationships are characterised by a lack of passion, which can wane even further over time.

    The best relationships are where your partner is both your soulmate and your sexual goddess, and where your partner feels the same about you. This is complete love, not just parts of it.

    You should talk some more about how important sexual passion is to you, because I agree with you that sex makes relationships stronger. My wife loves me and loves sex with me and every time we have sex, it makes our love stronger. So because our love is stronger, she desires more sex from me, and so it goes on.
     
  5. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    R - U kidding? In a romantic relationship sex is a key component! If not, you guys should downshift into a friendship. And tell her so. Seriously. Good, platonic friends are really cool. And find yourself a proper sizzler to cook it with!
     
  6. idk

    idk New Member

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    yeh at first i was feeling like maybe im just feeling lust, or maybe im just horny, but i know i love her and now that i have someone to support that and tell me that sexual relations are important i know that im not just in lust of her, but it makes me wonder what she feels for me, she always says she loves me but how can i really know i mean the longer we go together the more faith i have in her but i guess you can never really know.
    but i am just still somewhat of a kid so i have alot to learn about relationships yet, but i realy hope this one is not a learning experience cuz i want to stay with her forever.
     
  7. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Try this. Open up and tell the truth about your sexual needs. Tell her, ideally a lunch time desk top at work twice a week, and the nightly night-cap should be about your speed. If this freaks her out, and seems like too much, either:
    a. She just might not really be into you that much. Or
    b. She really does have very different, and slower sexual speed. And if so, she should at least be willing make up for the slack with blow jobs!
     
  8. pirouette

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    It sounds like you are both quite young and lack experience (no, not sexually). Neither of you are old enough to have had really long relationships. I mention it because my sex drive has definately changed throughout our relationship. The longer I am with him, the more comfortable I feel about myself sexually. I have really "blossomed" into the sexual creature I am today.
    We probably had sex a few times a week in our first few years together. But at this point (years of trust, no barriers between us, comfortable with experimentation, etc) we usually have sex a few times a day. So don't give up hope. She may change in time and end up being with you on a daily basis......who knows. Good luck. ;)
     
  9. cbrmale

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    I'm a partly-qualified psychologist, and I just want to outline a little on the different types of love. Relationships can be built around friendship and compatability (or romance as posted above) and therefore not ever have a foundation of passion, which is a different place entirely. It seems like love at the time, but it is not complete love. Don't we all know couples who are married and have children and so on but there is little or no sex life between them? Perhaps too many sexless husbands confide in moi.

    Other types of love and relationships can be built around sexual attraction, but these relationships burn brightly and generally die out because there is little to keep the couple together once the sexual attraction fades. At first the sexual attraction can be overwhelming, it must be love, but again it is not complete.

    Some of us are lucky that our love and relationships are built around friendship and shared interests and shared values and sexual attraction and sexual passion. All the different types of love and attraction are rolled into something that is a very special version of love.

    Love and sex are complicated, and it is well beyond a brief posting to explain the way some can find themselves in a happy and romantic relationship that has no passion or fire.
     
  10. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Cybermale you said,
    Some of us are lucky that our love and relationships are built around friendship and shared interests and shared values and sexual attraction and sexual passion. All the different types of love and attraction are rolled into something that is a very special version of love.


    That is the one and only kind of love.
    to leave the sexual part out would kill any relationship.
    And the guy that thinks that things change just because
    the get married is being a fool. and will regret it the rest of his life.
     
  11. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    B-hiker's right. Getting married in and of itself doesn't improve a couple's sex life. At all!
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Agreed, but if you are a good match to each other and are passionate with each other as well, getting married and even having children doesn't hurt a sex life either. Generally if a relationship gets less sexy after marriage, it is a sign that something is temporarily askew, or the fundamental basics were wrong to start with, more often the latter.
     
  13. idk

    idk New Member

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    so your saying when someone like us ends up getting maried your sex life goes down even more, and when that happens it means that your just not right for eachother?
     
  14. Bluesy

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    When a couple first "falls in love", the brain is bathed with a chemical that stokes your sexual fire, so to speak; you become somewhat obsessed with one another. After a period of approximately two years, that chemical production wanes and what happens is that you're left with something that is more comfortable and less highly charged than before. It happens to everyone. So, yes, odds are your sex life will take a bit of a downturn, though that doesn't necessarily have to be the case. If a couple is not only in love, but clicks on every level--intellectual, spiritual, moral, etc.--you'll probably do all right. If you aren't fully compatible, you may very well wind up disenchanted after a few years. They don't call it the "seven year itch" for nothing. The disillusionment tends to begin earlier, then builds over time...some people hang in there and hope for the best, while others decide it's time to go their separate ways. After nearly 10 years together, my ex-husband and I came to the conclusion that we weren't right for each other. But we'd both had our doubts and suspicions well before that. It's vital to get it right in the beginning, and not rely on sexual chemistry as an indication of future relationship success.

    But sexual compatibility is extremely important. Is your gf on birth control pills, an antidepressant, or any other medication that could interfere with sex drive? If there isn't a physical explanation, it may be that she just doesn't have as healthy a libido as your own. You have to decide if you can deal with that because things only get more complicated and frustrating down the road.
     
  15. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you're talking about. I happen to think that sex is very important in a romantic relationship, meaning a relationship between two lovers. If you are in a marriage or committed partnership with a significant other and one of the partners says he or she still loves you but no longer wants to have sex, then it's no longer a romantic relationship but a friendship. It's normal for your sexlife to slow down after marriage or several years of living together, but for it to stop completely is not normal. At that point it's time to discuss one's options, ending the relationship, outsourcing some sex, or trying to ignite the spark again.
     
  16. idk

    idk New Member

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    yeh she is on Birth Control, and i think thats when this problem started, we used to be sexual enough for me to deal with and we still are somewhat sexual but not enough for me to feel the way i used to feel
     
  17. Bluesy

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    Some BC pills can lower libido in some women; since body chemistry is unique, there is no way to know which ones may have that effect. There are a lot of different BC pills to choose from (and other forms of hormonal BC), and switching to a different kind might resolve the problem.
     
  18. AnonymousOne

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    Is the Pope Catholic?

    Do Bears shit in the woods?

    ...

    That is all.
     
  19. Hot Wheels

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    Add... Are the Kennedys gun shy?
     
  20. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    IDK

    Some really good genuine advice posted here.

    Perhaps to echo some of the things said already:

    My wife took the combined pill when we first married. Her sex drive practically disappeared until she stopped taking it and it returned.

    On the subject of sex within a full relationship, the critical thing is that both partners are comfortable with what they do and how often. It only becomes a big issue when there is a significant imbalance.

    In you case, regardless of how you tackle this situation, tackle it you must.

    If you don't it might land you in a committment situation where by you live your life constantly frustrated and unhappy.

    Things like this don't in my experience cure themselves with time.

    Let us know how you get on mate.