Is my BF in a codependent relationship with his female friend? What do I do?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by lucky13, Feb 24, 2007.

  1. lucky13

    lucky13 New Member

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    My Bf has a lesbian friend, actualy all of them are- and this one he calls 'best friend'. I think they have a co-dependent rerlationship and have for a while, befor eI came along. Why? By the way he, at the beginning of our relationship defended thiers unneccsarily. I dont care he is friends with her but he says thing like, "she broke up with her girlfriend so I had to deal with that all week" or " my week was hectic, he daughter broke her arm so i had to deal with that all week". At one point he stated he was going to dump her as a friend because she said, in front of her kid " i wish i wasnt a mom'- but he questions why I stay friends with my friends and how I have patience with them because some of them have drama filled lives. How? because thier problems dont affect my life, I offer advice and if they dont take it then thats thier problem, not an issue for me. He seems emeshed too much with his friend. He babysat f the 11 year old girl for several days during the workweek for 8 hours at a time ( for free) so she could work, (finally). He drives her to job interviews a lot, and bought her an expensive computer thing for xmas. He would not let me meet her for months and months until recently. She of course proceeded to be an a$$hole and tell me that he and her slept in the bed together x2 ,half naked and didnt do anything. That was on our second meeting. He overheard her and didnt say anything and I remained calm until we got home. He said she was insecure, raped and abused blah blah and thats why shes so insecure. (Excuses , just like the enabler would make) So Does this seem like codependency? I told him he acts like a father figure to her- Hes emeshed in her problems and tries to fix them for her, they have pet names like love monkey and I finally snapped when she addressed him as "lover" on myspace and told him to fix this problem because I wont be in a drama filled relationship. i also said I dont want to add to the drama and cause problems with thier friendship ut if she backs me into a corner like that again , i cannot be a doormat, especially if I had a few drinks. i believe I used the words " I will annhiliate" her verbally. He said he will tell her to stop, and he has been trying to back away from her for months. That if she continues to be a detractor in his life than he will end it with her. HE also added that another lesbian he was friends with was a jerk to another gfriend of his and he dumped her as a friend. Addiction? I dont want them to not be friends but not like this. Unhealthy. I am wondering if i should tell him about my codependence suspiscion and also voice my concern that if he needs to feel wanted and needed to that level (of dependency) that i cannot and will not provide that. I pride myself on my independence, and rarely need help, and dont have drama in my life. I will not feign helplessness. Also, I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with a man who has that level of commitment to another woman. I dont know how to bring this up to him without being hurtful. Hes a good guy and i know he respects my opinion and listens to whaT I have to say with an open mind. I want him to make descisions for himself as i wont engage in a tug of war. Im trying to be cool about all of this but deep down Im becoming apprehensive emotionally wiith him. I want all of us to hang out civilly but not if she keeps pushing my buttons. I feel bad for her really nice girlfriend. Those helpless acting types always get the nicest people to hold thier hand for them, to take advantage of.
     
  2. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    First thing to do is not to play armchair psychologist and I feel based on your posting you need to accept that there are issues in your relationship with him. The term co-dependent relationship makes great talk show topics, a few good movies, but at the end of the it is allot of hype. Based on your posting it sounds as though your boyfriend is trying to find reasons not to be with you and you are trying to find a socially acceptable reason to dump him. It maybe because he is friends with other women and you have a difficult time with that. Because he is friends with lesbians, I am wondering based on your posting, if you do not want to look as though you do not like lesbians or that you do not want to look like you cannot keep I guy. The impression I get from your posting is that it is too difficult for you to come to grips with the fact you probably chose the wrong bf and you are holding onto him so you can justify breaking up to your friends / family / co-workers with a socially acceptable reason that they will understand. So instead of holding on until you can validate your theory decide to either save your relationship or dump him.
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Lucky 13,

    Feelings of Loyalty are important to a woman. You have a normal desire to feel that your BF is giving you his loyalty. So you should ask for what you want.

    How to ask for what you want, Love and Respect, 2004 , by Emerson Eggerichs is in libraries.

    I just bought his new book, CRACKING THE COMMUNICATION CODE, LOVE FOR HER, RESPECT FOR HIM, 2007. ISBN 078--1-59145-505-9. He has a webite and videos.
    http://www.loveandrespect.com/

    .