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Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by i_s_a_b_e_l, Dec 15, 2010.
he is 11 and asks about girls and sex - is that ok for me to answer him? he asks things a lot.
Sorry I'm going to chime in here with a quick NO. I guess I'm thinkinking like a parent here. Talk to your BF. Have him talk to him. This is really something for parent or guardian. Your BF should talk to his dad and tell him little bro is interested. The thing is that the brain at that age has not developed enough to have the judgement to handle these issues appropriately. Open communication with a parent is absolutely the healthiest road to a responsible and fulfilling sex life. At 11 years old he just doesn't have the tools to distill information from his brothers very hot GF.
No, it's not.
He presumably has a mother and father who can answer these questions for him. If it's your "friends" little brother, talk to the friend or the friend parents and have him talk to the child.
Look at it from this p.o.v, if you were sheltering your Son or Daughter from certain sexual aspects and someone else gave them that information that you felt they weren't ready for, you'd be pissed, wouldn't you?
Direct the child to an adult that's close to them.
he said its too embarassing to talk to parents/brother - he said he trusts me more.
yep i said that to him.
It's up to parents and nobody else to decide what's best for their child. An outsider has no idea what parents base their decisions about their child on. No offense intended for Isabel, but at 18 years old she is not a full grown adult equipped to substitute her decisions for a child's parents.
no problem - but how do i end this - what to say?
Just explain it to him as it is. Let him down gently. Speak tou your friend too but ensure they are discrtete so as not to cause any embarrasment
Tell him you don't know the answers to his questions. That will be the truth since you really don't know the answers his parents would want him to know.
I concur with HR.
oh ok no problem thankx
he asks easy questions like about whether girls like their breasts touched during kissing. ill say im not sure and that im not wanting to risk giving wrong answers just in case im wrong.
Good Plan Isabel
Well I guess girls at his age know everything and they will answer him better than you
I consider this a sticky situation. I don't agree that the parents are the end all/be all for information. Parents are just as likely to shield or misinform as anyone, based on their own prejudices and biases. Hell, most peoples parents I knew wouldn't even broach the subject, and in some cases worse. Even now I know quite a few people who would be the same. In a nutshell, parents are just as capable of doing a poor job of handling sex questions as anyone else. I do think that most things are a parents right, but not if it's going to lead to misinformation or in some way making the child feel bad for being curious.
That said not knowing anything about this 11 year olds parents, I can't make that distinction.
I would say he'd be best off asking his brother if the brother is at all experienced and mature enough. I do think there is validity to the idea that maybe the boy is asking you because he's got a crush of sorts. Perhaps involve both the brother and yourself? I honestly don't have much of an answer for this, having never been in the situation really.
No offense HR, but that is horrible, and not at all telling the truth. Not knowing what the parents would want their child to know or not know does not equate with the truth at all. So really she'd just be lying to him in deference to the parents. I have to be honest, when I was a kid I hated it when people pulled this crap, and I knew they were doing it. Kids aren't stupid.
Case in point, I would know you were full of it, were I in his position. Just be honest and up front. Tell him you don't think it's your place to give him that information, or that you're afraid his parents won't approve and you aren't willing to risk that. There is no need to soft pedal around the issue or lie to the kid. If he really does trust you, doing such will hurt that trust.
Sorry TR I have to disagree on this one. As a father of boys just a little bit older I can tell you that it would infuriate me if my boys were getting this info from someone else. Good bad or even indifferent the parent child relationship is too important to intefere with. If OP isn't comfortable enough to speak with the family about this issue then she shouldn't feel comfortable havoing he conversation with the boy. His questions aren't appropriate for an 11 yo. That's why this site has age restrictions.
Maybe you should tell his parents he's getting curious. They might need a jump start if they've been putting it off.
Okay, I think maybe you misunderstand the gist of my point. I am not telling her to go ahead and inform the boy necessarily. Merely putting out my own point that I think that this is a situation where "the parent knows best" is not all that truthful. However, in understanding the need to respect the parents, while still respecting the boy, I offered ideas on how to not say anything without alienating or lying to him.
I also don't agree with "Good bad or even indifferent the parent child relationship is too important to intefere with." If that were the case, we wouldn't have child protective services, etc. Clearly the parent is not always right, and the parent does not always have the right to decide what is or is not with their child without interference. Once again it's not as black and white as some would paint it.
As for equating this sites age restriction with why he shouldn't be told anything, that is incredibly poor logic and does not follow at all. The reality is that neither the rules here, nor the law really know when anyone is ready for anything. Fact is, if the boy is asking questions, then he is probably starting to mature in that way. The law cannot stop that. The law has no bearing on that. Whether or not his questions are appropriate are no business of anyone to decide but the boy really. The point at which any of us becomes curious about something is precisely the right time for questions and answers.
The problem is whether or not the honest truth will be given, or some filtered sheltering nonsense. Children are not owned. They are not property. They are people just like the rest of us.
While I'd be fearful that they would misinform the child, or completely deadpan the issue, I do think this is a good approach. I definitely agree the parents should be involved, I simply fear the possibility of it being mishandled, which IMO would be worse than the boy going on not knowing.
Yeah I guess I'm stuck on the fact that he is eleven. I think there is a range of ages that independece can grow. I do not think that eleven is in that range. I do shelter my children. My 15 year old came home from a weekend away with a school group and told about the stories some of the other guys were telling. He thanked me for giving him structure in his life. My point about age restrictions had nothing to do with the law. Believe it or not sometimes the law is the law for a reason. Children are not ready for information about sex. They do not jave the tools. There was an interesting article in Outside magazine last spring (sorry I don't have a citation) about a 13 year old climbing Mt Everest. The article described the debate about how our brains develop and whether it is appropriate for children to engage in adult activities. An eleven yo may be exposed to a lot of sexual information in todays society but that doesn't make it right for someone to say anything other than "ask your Dad".
Also, as an adult who has been active in various supervisory roles with children' OP should avoid the conversation out of self preservation. No adult should talk about sex with a child one on one outside the parental relationship because the adult runs the risk of being accused of improper behavior. Children have a strong self preservation instinct. They are entirely able to make things up. Why put yourself in the position of defending yourself from a childs accusation? As a parent I do see this as a black and white situation.
if you're giving FACTS and being educational, I don't see a problem with it
if he's asking questions like how to perform sex or what size your tits are.. there's a big problem