Is it me, or is it her?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Pointman, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. Pointman

    Pointman New Member

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    Hello SF. I'm relatively new here, and i'm here for a reason, being that i need help, advise and probably some reassuring. Also, i guess it's time to give my lifes story huh? :)

    At any rate, i just got together with my girl friend about 2 months ago. She's my first girlfriend and i really love and cherish her. I also feel extremely lucky as she's the prettiest, cutest, hotest girl i've ever laid my eyes on! And me, on the other hand, i'm 6'1, and i don't exactly have rockhard washboard abs, and by that i mean, i've got manboobs... =,="

    Now, lets get to the problem, as i have a few.

    I'm actually the realy jealous type, I don't show it in anyway, but i feel the fire burning within me everytime she tells me something related to another guy. Like recently, she got a christmas present (exclusively) from some guy at work. I eventually got over it, but i know problems like this will arise again.

    Second, when she's going through her PMS she gets very moody and emoional. I know this is normal with some females, but what i want to know is, what can i do for her? Like i said, this is only our second month, so i've only experienced her hormonal change once. All i could do was accompany her while she was working (she works a deskjob while i work in another department in the same company). I tried massaging her, i asked her if there was anything i could do, i got her chocolates, i hugged her, i kissed her, i tried everything i knew. And the best she could do was give me a weak smile. Which, made me feel somewhat inadequate. What kind of a boyfriend would i b if i couldn't even make her happy when she needed it most?

    Third, I always need to know that she loves me as much as i love her, but i sometimes think that my feelings are stronger. I'm always the one to text her or call her, and 99% of the time, i'm the one who says "i love you" first.

    Now, like in the previouse paragraph, it's almost that time of the month now, and i'm not sure if it has anthing to do with it. But yesterday, afer talking to her over the phone, i would normally say "i love you" first, but i thought i'd hold off for a couple seconds to see if she'd say it first for once. Then she asked if "don't you love me anymore?" then i told her that i really really loved her. Why would she say something like that ??? :( . Then, the thing is, usually we linger on the phone for a couple seconds, arguing about who has to hang up, but this time, she hangs up almost immediately! :( it's uncharacteristic of her!!

    fourth, I buy her things. As in a lot of things. i recently went outstationed for awhile, and i brought her back chocolates, necklaces, earings, perfumes, plushies, clothes, etc etc. and even then, since i've come back, i buy her things quite often. Do you think i'm overwhelming her? She doesn't decline, and she shows appreciation, but my friends and family keep telling me i'm spending too much on her as i also almost always pay for our outings, but sometimes she doesn't like it, so she insists she pays. She doesn't really buy me anything, but she cooks for me sometimes, and when she goes back to her hometown, she usually gets me something from there. This doesn't bother me, as i see myself more of a giver than a taker, but it's always nice to recieve sometimes, especially if it shows that she cares. :)

    I'm not sure if all these issues are a figment of my minds own creation, which is what i tend to tell myself. But everything in my mind is just so complicated, so much rationalising, so much thinking, so many what if's, so many questions...

    I know this is going to be a really long post, but i appreciate any advice that comes my way :) as i'm feeling down in the dumps now....
     
  2. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

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    Jealousy is a curse but pregnancy worse :)
    Frankly I think that you have lost control of your emotions and stopped seeing the trees for the forest.
    Try not to be such a floor mat and also give her space or sure as hell you are going to lose her.
    You may have low self esteem but since you have such a fine woman then for heaven sake rejoice (positive) instead of fearing (negative).
     
  3. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know
    Yeah I'm the same way,it's called PMDD (severe Pms)
    There is really nothing you CAN do to help her.It is ALL hormonal.
    When I get like that,I know I'm being a bitch and I just really prefer to be alone.
    Giving her some space will do wonders for her...

    You sound very sweet,but maybe just a little too much.
     
  4. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Sounds to me like you're insecure, and smothering her. I think you have a lot of maturing to do. The things I've underlined raise red flags in my mind, and hint that you're not emotionally ready for this relationship.
     
  5. Pointman

    Pointman New Member

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    @ Darkjewel - it turned out she was just in a bad way last night, i think it was the PMS. Then again i'm not sure, she's kinda back to normal today, and i doubt hormones only last a day or two...

    @andretti - jesus christ! you're right... i've always kinda known that i was insecure, as i am with most things, i tend to be a worrier. I'm not sure what you mean by me not being emotionally ready for this relationship, but i certainly hope it has nothing to do with me ending it. Maybe if you can share what you mean, then i could be more aware of it, and perhaps try to improve myself.

    I think my first step would be to follow Bushwalkers advice, i'll concentrate on the positive more. It made me feel better, and when i called her, i talked to her with a smile on my face =)

    thank you all!
     
  6. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know
    LOL!!! You should really look up PMS and learn about it.You aren't just non-stop bitchy,it fluctuates.So it can last a day or two,go away,and then come back.Often I will have BAD PMS just a day or two and then be fine...

    http://www.usdoctor.com/pms.htm
     
    #6 DarkJewel, Jan 6, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2011
  7. Pointman

    Pointman New Member

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    That article was quite insightful. That super active period before the irritability looks like i can use it to my advantage >=) But, back on topic. She won't go for the meds, maybe i can get her the supplements and tell her what to eat, but she won't take drugs... that's for sure..
     
  8. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Pointman -

    Boy do i have some advice for you (this is longer then your first post!)! You're almost in my same position, in that i act like your lady friend and my boyfriend acts like you.
    This is what i suggest.

    It's great that you love her, and tell her that, but you also need to focus on who she is. If she's pretty and knows it she would much rather appreciate compliments on her personality (which in life comparatively she would have less compliments on) than her looks all the time. Also, being told you're beautiful when you haven't put effort in, repetitively. Is really irritating.

    She obviously is still with you because you got something those guys with rock hard abs don't! SO, please, smile and be proud that you're so awesome and she picked you! Be who you are - the man she fell in love with. You are clingy because you are insecure, but being clingy will only drive her away not closer. You gotta realize that you are lucky, and you are also CHOSEN. So be proud! :)

    Focus on working on yourself. What would make you feel better? Join a gym (with the money you usually spend on her-more about this later), it will also take up your time you would spend thinking, be healthy, and make you fitter-and feel better about yourself. You can start up a sport, or a new hobby...or do something with your time! Make her something. Build things. Be a handy man, impress her with your skills. etc. Get a better job, strive for something. Because when you achieve something for yourself, you will feel better about yourself. Work on your confidence, fake it till you make it. Buy new clothes. All these things will make you feel better, and then gain some self esteem.

    Don't show a lot of jealousy, you can mention it- us girls think it's a bit sweet. Mention, don't get mad, just say " i felt a bit jealous" and do not...do NOT control her or make her feel less inclined to talk to guys. You're not her father, she needs her freedom. Talking is innocent. The less you are protective over her the less she will be inclined to even think about other men! Because when you go " you can't talk to him" immediately, guess what she's gunna wanna do!? I suggest repeating this line to yourself "she chose me, not him". It will help you.

    I also have really bad PMS. Nothing, generally, will make me feel better. My emotions are amplified. You can try doing something sweet, and asking what could do to help can't hurt. Get her a hot water bottle if it helps, or distract her from the pain. But if you just can't lift her spirits don't worry. It's not your fault. Offer her an indoor movie night with her favorite snaks. It can't annoy her as much as you not caring at all right? I don't think she needs meds either. I don't take meds, but just try not to bother her, and be super sensitive and sweet to her at this time.

    Ofcourse i think in most relationships one partner does love the other more- which will lead to insecurities. I've been on both ends, and trust me, you're side (the side that loves the other more) is actually more fun to be on. The other person would be consumed with guilt.

    I'm going to give you kudos here. You're a really nice guy, and seeking advice to treat her even better is a good quality to have. Relationships are work and sure you might be inexperienced, but you're willing to make the effort which is better than idiot hot jerks who don't! So, kudos!

    I'm getting the impression from your whole intro there that you are slightly suffocating her. You need to spend a day all to yourself (at least once a week- MINIMUM). Give her a sweet 10 minute morning phone call, or text, explaining that you are "hanging out with the boys/insert hobby here" and literally spend a day having an adventure. This gives her time to herself. Time to think. Time to miss you. And also gives you an opportunity to look like a confident man, with a life, that you're so in demand and she's lucky to have time with you. AND you get a bunch of stories to share when you speak with her next. Try not to be over the top. Cut down a bit on the texts, and don't stop yourself and stare at the phone. Stop yourself and KEEP BUSY. You can do thinks like write her an old school pen to paper letter and MAIL IT to her (don't tell her first, let it be a surprise). That way in your mind you're still doing something to do with her, but it isn't "annoying" her. Being too clingy, as you are, isn't good. Give her a chance to realize that she does enjoy the constant attention you give her. You must, must give her a break, because you will annoy her eventually. I'm telling you. I'm the most clingy woman on the planet, but when my boyfriend is clingy i have to tell him to tone it back a notch, which is hard to tell the guy! Being clingy is not attractive, it makes you feel suffocated and want to get away. The second i spend time away though, because he is busy, i hang out with other people and i realize how much more funnier, a good listener, a great person to share a joke with, my boyfriend is. And i miss him more, and i have stories to tell him. It's good to still have your own life. For this reason- to strengthen the relationship...and also, if the relationship goes bad, you still have a life to go back to- some forget and are completely out of place after a relationship ends. "what am i going to do?" is the first phrase they think when their relationship ends. They don't know how to live without the other. I'm not telling you to think it will end, just the positives on having your own life apart from her, and how it is good to both of you in together, and apart cases.

    She might not be comfortable with expressing her emotions. Try saying " i care for you very much" instead of the usual 3 words. Cut it back a notch, and if she does ask then confirm that you love her. You don't have to wear the word out. Say it only when you are filled to the brim with the emotion. End phone calls with " have a lovely day, my love" instead of the usual " i love you". Some girls won't call first, or won't say i love you first, to make sure the guy still feels that way, not just because they say it first. So she might be doing that also.

    If she hung up right away it might be that she thought you didn't love her and was upset or angry by that. OR that she clearly had been wanting to get off the phone for a while and you're smothering her. Try to keep calls short and sweet, necessary and caring, and ones where she talks the most, not you. That should make the phone calls more enjoyable for her and she will look forward to them, and not dread them. Tell her you are busy when you hang up for reasons already mentioned and also so it seems like you are not bored with her and you actually have to get something done even though you would much rather talk to her- so it doesn't make her feel offended anyway. Sometimes say " I'm making a little something for you, it's a surprise, better get back to it" or something. And then get down to making her a letter, or time machine or whatever.

    You're a busy man, in demand, remember? You do not cater to her every whim.

    On the buying note. Stop. Buying. Her. So. Much. How do you know she's not just using you for the gifts you buy? Only buy her things on special occasions, to cheer her up, because makes you think of her, or is an inside joke things (unless you're loaded, then buy away....). While girls enjoy gifts she doesn't enjoy thinking that you have to "Buy" her company. It will make her feel like a whore. She's got it the right way, you are not supposed to buy that many gifts. So don't go feeling as if she doesn't buy you enough. She's not supposed to, it's not your birthday today.

    Yes i over analyze too. You have to try not to, or shake things off. Or think. What ever you enjoy. I love thinking, so i keep thinking and thinking until i get sick and stressed, but it's fun for me. So...just try to chat about it with friends to get some advice and perspective also. (like you are doing with us now! Good boy!)

    Cheer up kid!

    It'll work if you work at it!
     
  9. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    My advise is to get used to it. I've been married 20 years and I could have written this post. Relationships take work. You'll get better at it. In the meantime sit back and relax. You will have many heartaches in your future. None will be easy but they will be part of your life and the person that you are still growing to be.
     
  10. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Not to come across too harshly here, but your behavior WILL eventually drive her away.
    It sounds to me like you've made her the centre of your universe. You buy her gifts and try to maintain contact as much as possible even when you're not physically together. By doing this, you will smother her and she will find herself fighting to get away from you. It's like watering a plant. A little water now and then is healthy, but if you give it too much it will die. That's how you should see your relationship together.

    Try doing things separate from her and make it a treat to see each other otherwise you may come across as desperate and needy and these are very unattractive qualities.