Is it cheating?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 1derkind, Feb 27, 2009.

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  1. 1derkind

    1derkind New Member

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    Last night, my boyfriend, seized by the apparent urge to be completely honest with me due to the fact that, according to him, he had encountered certain events that caused him to realize how much he loved, informed me that he cheated. Well, actually, I guess that could be open to interpretation, and that’s where the respondents of this post come in. Here are the facts: he and I have been dating for almost 4 months. We celebrated our 3 month anniversary the 25th of last month. We are both 18. I am a few months younger than him. Early November of last year, while I’m at home taking care of business, he gets a spur of the moment offer to accompany one of his friends to the house he lives in with roommates, which happens to be in a somewhat far, more secluded country-like (as opposed to city) area of the state. According to him, while he was up there, everyone was drinking; the atmosphere was very loose, the gay friend he was staying with ended up participating in a threesome with 2 other men in one of the rooms of the house, which my boyfriend admitted to watching for a little bit. Also present at the house was my current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, whom he had a very nasty break-up with directly prior to me, and who is also a friend of the host’s. According to my boyfriend, once left alone in the living area of the house, the ex of his climbed on him, attempted to “do things” (I’m sure you can guess what) and while he wouldn’t let her do anything else, he did allow her to proceed to give him a blowjob, claiming he was too incapacitated to stop her, and as this was only 2 weeks into our relationship, he was having doubts about how much longer it would last. He claims there was no affection or emotion in allowing her to do what she did, and that he regretted it immediately. I am also aware that afterwards he was also very hostile towards her, although I was not informed entirely of why until last night. A few key points about what went down last night- when he informed me of his unfaithfulness, I proceeded to beat the living shit out of him to the best of my abilities. I remember swinging at him wildly until I wore myself out, and him making no attempt to stop me or fight back. He then claimed he still loved me and would do everything in his power to atone for it from this point on.
    He is the first real love of my life. Do you consider what he did to be ‘cheating’ and where do you advise me to go from here?
     
  2. missyhuggins

    missyhuggins New Member

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    Personally, I'd give him some le-way and I'm not one who accepts cheating.

    First reason being, you were 2 weeks into a relationship. Those first few weeks are very hit and miss. You're starting to like one another but neither party is 100% sure how they feel exactly and where this is going.
    Second reason, You're both very young. We all make mistakes and even more when we're young. Without them we don't learn or grow.
    Third, he fessed up without an other reason than his feelings are obviously very strong for you and you deserve to know the truth.

    Now, are you going to forever be thinking that he'll cheat on you now or are you happy accepting it was not part of his character but rather a mistake made?
    If this is going to drive a nail in and forever be an issue then I'd say step out now. If you're willing to accept that he's not going to do this to you again, you have a really good chance of moving on and making something of the relationship the two of you have.
     
  3. Barbwire

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    Ok, so he's a teenager two weeks into a relationship and gets drunk, then allows his ex to blow him. I don't consider that a huge deal in of itself. What I do consider a huge deal is, you beat on him. WTF? To me, that is much worse than him letting someone suck his dick.

    I know he's your first boyfriend, but girl, hitting a man is wrong, wrong, wrong and doesn't show much in the way of maturity. He confessed to you and you hit him. That's not cool.

     
  4. downloadking

    downloadking Member

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    I personally think it is cheating but you are both very young so I'd get over it !On the other hand hitting/abuse in any relationship is WRONG and unhealthy so next time think twice...
     
  5. Dreama

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    Violence within a relationship is NEVER ok. Ever. You'll never get honesty from a person if you hit them when they're honest.
     
  6. fantasien

    fantasien New Member

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    I wanna say exactly this!

    You should never NEVER! Abuse someone like that. No matter what has happened. He was mature about it, you were not! That's it.
     
  7. Drakonnen

    Drakonnen Member

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    You know, its really difficult to say without knowing more. Sometimes different people have different views of where a relationship is at.

    My first girlfriend I thought of as my girlfriend for a while, right after I asked her out and we were talkign constantly etc., until I found out from her cousin that she was wondering when I was going to specifically ask her to be my girlfriend. I was like, you have to ask? Isn't it just implied?

    Some people see multiple people at the same time and don't consider it exclusive until you both state as much.

    If you guys called each other girlfriend and boyfriend and he was capable of stoping her from doing things but didn't stop that, then yeah, technically its cheating, though there are extenuating circumstances that wouldn't make it the end of the world.

    Hitting isn't appropriate, but neither is getting drunk around and ex and getting a blow job if you're with someone. Its difficult to control ones self in an emotional situation like that, just like its dificult to control yourself when you're drunk. That's why crimes of passion aren't punished as harshly under the law.

    But keep in mind everyone, this girl is 18, its her first love, and he tells her 4 month later he got head from an ex while they were together. I think its kinda understandable, even if it isn't to be encouraged.

    As for what he did, because this is Sexual Forums, people here are going to tend to be a little laissez faire in their attitudes toward anything sexual that occurs, so you have to factor that in, but yes, you are both young and new at this and it was still a new relationship, so take that into account as well.
     
  8. 1derkind

    1derkind New Member

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    it just feels like his penis is contaminated now. like it's tainted. we're young, we have a lot of sex, but every time i think about going down on him i can't shake the knowledge that some other disgusting whore was there while we were together, and it's just really off-putting. makes me sick. i really just don't know what to do. i'm completely lost here.
     
  9. downloadking

    downloadking Member

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    Your young you have the lots to explore. So forget about it and move on.
     
  10. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Well then break up with him. Like downloadking said: you're young and you'll find someone else. I find the fact that you "beat the living shit" out of your boyfriend to be extremely disturbing. Reacting in a violently abusive way to apparent cheating is NEVER acceptable under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. He got drunk and made a stupid mistake. Your reaction to it was completely uncalled for and out of proportion to the offense. How would you like it if you got drunk and made a similarly stupid mistake and your boyfriend "beat the living shit" out of you? Would that be acceptable? If you think so then I'm afraid we can't help you here. You need anger-management therapy.
     
  11. Big John

    Big John New Member

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    This is something that you need to decide for yourself. But if you want my opinion, he cheated.

    If it were me, I couldn't continue in a relationship and have any kind of trust for the other person after something like this.

    If you're having doubts about his monogamy from this point forward, or you feel like he betrayed you, just end the relationship and move on. Being 18 you don't need to settle for someone that you are unsure of.
     
  12. heelfetish

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    IMO, yes, he cheated. But also IMO, this was probably one of those forgivable circumstances. However that choice is yours to make. If you can't get past it, then I'm afraid the relationship is already over.

    But I'll echo the sentiments above: your 'beating the living shit out of him' is most disturbing. Not only did you have no right to do so, but I'm afraid there may be some abusive qualities in your personality. At no time is it OK to hit.
     
  13. Raspberry

    Raspberry Ms. Guileless

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    To me the important thing is he admitted his mistake. I believe, honesty is very important to keep the relationship strong and smooth sailing.

    With regards to the alleged cheating, you mentioned it's because he was drunk and lost control of himself but still it shouldn't be used as a justification for him to do such act. On the other hand, "beating the living shit out of him" is also another story. Again, him cheating shouldn't be used as an excuse why you can already do such horrible physical act. Please don't forget that laying the cards on the table, is by far, a very effective way of settling disputes.

    Obviously, you both made a mistake. It's for you to decide whether to accept each other's fault and move on or just forget about everything. I do understand how it feels girl, but "The Coin Always Has Two Faces," it mainly depends on how you view it. Disregard what your friends might say on this matter, the important thing is how you are able to swallow and digest it.

    Always consider your own happiness! There's always a room for reconciliation :)
     
  14. FlirtyChick

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    This exactly, and all the other advice about how you were abusive. #1 you are both young. He told you the truth, and even though it hurts, He respected you enough to be honest. Personally, I think 18 is too young to be too seriously involved. There is lots of life ahead of you, and sex and relationships are much different at your age than when you mature. I think you need help for your anger, and I know, because I have anger issues too, related to traumas that I will not discuss here. Break up with him now and let him have a life, because you are too immature to handle such strong feelings. You dont own him, and you do not have the right to abuse//hit him. What if he had hit you back? Get over it and move on, and get some help. How can his dick be contaminated if he fucked his ex before. Were you a virgin before you met him? If not, doesn't it stand to reason that you are contaminated too. You seem too immature for a relationship. Get help, get healthy, and try again, hun.
     
  15. 1derkind

    1derkind New Member

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    we're still together. we're in couples counseling together trying to work shit out. i guess it could have been a lot worse of a scenario, at least we know he doesn't really like the bitch who did it at all; i mean, the way i see it, he could've cheated with some other whore and not even regretted it. if it seems like i'm unreasonably hostile toward the girl here, it's because i know her a little bit from seeing her around, and while we couldn't be classified as friend, or even associates, by any stretch of the imagination, i have heard and seen her do so many things (in addition to this) that i feel like her reputation as being close to the biggest slut in the city is pretty accurate. anyway, i do know my boyfriend (who put a ring on my finger just a few days ago as a matter of fact) felt really bad about what happened, and maintains that it wouldn't have happened had he not been drunk, which is why he no longer drinks around friends. i guess at this point all i can do is forgive and at least TRY to trust him again.
    and enjoy the fact that he gives really great oral.
    :shrug
     
  16. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Let's just hope he can forgive you for physically assaulting him.
     
  17. Dreama

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    Exactly-you haven't exactly addressed that issue yet. I somehow feel that agreeing to marry him at this point was the wrong. More domestic abuse to come?
     
  18. FlirtyChick

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    Even your latest post reeks of hostility toward him and her. I think YOU need counseling for your anger issues. There is something wrong with a woman your age having so much hostility. Is there a reason for it. Also, you are defensive here and seen a bit jealous. Not trying to slam you hun, just trying to suggest that you get your life and emotions in order, otherwise you will have a hard time ahead...
     
  19. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    Is it cheating? Yes.

    I do agree with the others, you need some help....

    Domestic violence is a no-no... ur lucky your boyfriend didn't charge you...
     
  20. heelfetish

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    I cannot believe that you two are engaged at this point in your relationship. You both have far too many issues to work out to be making that kind of commitment. Being together just for the sake of being together isn't a healthy environment. My advice is to put the ring aside, forget about any future wedding plans (you don't need the additional pressure), and work on the core of your personality and relationship issues instead.

    Just an outside perspective, but is it possible he gave you the ring for fear of losing you to his infidelity?
     
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