Is bad sex a good enough reason to divorce?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Oct 3, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Ok, so let's suppose you are married and everything is pretty decent for the most part. Now suppose the sex is unfulfilling, and even after years of trying to make it better it is still the same. Is this enough of a reason to divorce?
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    So... how many "years" are you talking about? 3 ? .... 5 ? ....10 ? ...20? ... 30?...
     
  3. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Let's say the sex was bad for 10 years but you didn't have the courage to speak up about it, then finally you did and another couple of years went by and..........oh fuck, nevermind, now I'm just depressing myself. :ugh
     
  4. Hertoy

    Hertoy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2007
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Oh CL! That will make me depressed...... cue that charlie brown music...... But no I don't think that would be cause for divorce.
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    No. You have a legitimate question. You can't just bail out.

    Sometimes, we fantasize about something greater... more erotic... less friction... less 'every-day' crap. But a Long term relationship (marriage or otherwise) involves dealing with all of the above! Sometimes, we realize what we want, and then we look across the table and think: "how will I ever get these things from you"?

    It takes focusing on your first love for him. Remembering the charisma that brought you two together, then building on that. We ALL go through points of lack-luster romance. It's part of the "for better, for worse" thingy you recited during your wedding vows.

    Building him up will work wonders at revitalizing your relationship. He may be feeling his inadoquacy (sp?) at meeting your needs, and it will cause a man to withdraw (for fear of failure).

    Look in his eyes.... find your love again.... find a way to make this a 'team effort' to make it work once again. I don't know how many years you've invested, but you need to realize that it once was there... and it CAN be rekindled.
     
  6. Hertoy

    Hertoy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2007
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Wow Rose! That was the best answer ever on this board! Kind and well laid out. I am gald you are a moderator.
     
  7. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    Answer is...

    ...no.
     
  8. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    No...not if you're deeply in love with your partner, happily married, and you feel that the pros outweigh the cons.

    Yes...If a good sex life is important to you, you and your partner have devoted a great deal of time and effort to improving your sex life to no avail, or if the bad sex is a symptom of a loveless or dysfunctional marriage that marriage counseling hasn't been able to rectify.

    Call me crazy, but I belong to the "life is short; just because you screw up doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life paying for your mistakes" school of thought. I chose the wrong man to marry (he chose the wrong woman), and we had an "eh" kind of marriage: not great, not bad, but lacking in so many ways. Twice, I asked him to attend marriage counseling with me, and twice he refused. If I had to do it all over again, I would not marry him. I made an error, but now I have a shot at real happiness. Maybe it's because I'm an atheist...I don't believe in an afterlife, I believe that this life is all I've got, and I wasn't about to spend it in a mediocre marriage. What's important is that you decide to either commit to staying with your husband for the rest of your days or you decide to scrap it and start fresh, but whatever decision you make, it's because you know in your heart of hearts that it's right for you. I can't make that decision for you, nor can anyone else.
     
  9. espresso

    espresso New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2007
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would tend to agree with Bluesy but only in the situation where the poor sex life has caused you to fall out of love with the person and I believe that can happen. Lets face it.....sex is a very important part of a relationship. If you still love him then you MUST exhaust all options before making the decision to bail.

    I hope I am never in this situation and I feel for you but you have to decide for yourself if you guys can fix it or not and if you love him enough to get over it if you cant fix it.

    I wish you the best of luck.
     
  10. Joe

    Joe
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,681
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Rocky Mountains
    I ditched my first wife after 26 years, the last half of which we had NO sex whatsoever. I still felt love for her right up until a month or so before I filed for divorce, then thought again, "Would I love her today if I just met her?" Answer: No way.

    A year before I filed I gave her an ultimatum: (1) Change your ways, or (2) explain to me the problem, or (3) see a counselor with me, or (4) get a divorce. She refused to acknowledge there was a problem. I divorced her. I believe it was the right decision for me.

    You've got to decide for yourself, of course, whether you believe there's hope for a happy life with your spouse. I had a few instances towards the end of our marriage that made me believe it would never happen. At one point I was gravely ill and not expected to live. She wouldn't talk to me about it. In fact, as I lay in the pre-op room awaiting surgery, she couldn't wait 10 minutes because she wanted to go shopping, and she didn't want to kiss me because she had fresh lipstick on. I actually decided then, if I made it through surgery, I'd divorce her. It was two years later that I did. Never regretted it for a minute. I should have done it sooner.
     
  11. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Maryland
    no offense but i would have divorced her the second i walked out of that hospital.
     
  12. Head Jones IV

    Head Jones IV New Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2007
    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Desert
    I agree on both points but there has to be more to it. If you really love him then all options must be exhausted to find the love that you once had. And maybe that means giving an ultimatum. Obviously if he recognizes there is a problem and wants to work at fixing it then you guys should work together to find that "lost love."
     
  13. cook74

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,858
    Likes Received:
    5,894
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    Unless the rest of the relationship is falling apart as well, NO, sex is not that big a deal.

    YES, if the bad sex is due to a bad relationship or the relationship is deteriorating because of the bad sex.

    Is the sex always bad?

    I know I have a higher sex drive than my partner but I couldn't leave her just because I'm not 100% satisfied with our sex life. There are to many other reasons to stay together.

    I hate to see you sad CL, :(
     
  14. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    I posed this question, already knowing what answer I had in mind, and that would be ,"No." I think it would be pretty superficial of me to bail just because the sex is rare and lackluster. It's just that sometimes, I have to step back and look at things from a different perspective, and that is why I posted this thread.

    If an outsider were to look at my life, they'd think I'm nuts to be so unhappy. I mean, my husband is a nice man, good looking and an excellent provider. He gives me everything I want and need as far as material possessions go and he's a good father to our son.

    The thing sorely lacking in our marriage is the feeling of passion and our sex reflects this. I am frustrated all the time and I'm sure he senses it. His performance issues don't seem to bother him and he's done nothing to get better. It's just the way things are and I can't do anything to change it but have my little cyber flings, fantasize all the time, and masturbate a lot.
     
  15. cook74

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,858
    Likes Received:
    5,894
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    Wish i could help :brow

    But seriously CL, I know it's tough. I'm expecting a similar ride for the rest of my life, however our partners are so much more than just sexual partners.

    :)
     
  16. espresso

    espresso New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2007
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    0
    CL,

    This paragraph bothers me a lot:
    "The thing sorely lacking in our marriage is the feeling of passion and our sex reflects this. I am frustrated all the time and I'm sure he senses it. His performance issues don't seem to bother him and he's done nothing to get better. It's just the way things are and I can't do anything to change it but have my little cyber flings, fantasize all the time, and masturbate a lot."

    I don't know you and I don't know your husband but if I were to describe my sex life, or marriage, like you just did I would need to do something quickly. I have told my married friends over and over.....you and your partner MUST talk and talk about EVERYTHING. That means EVERYTHING no matter how uncomfortable it might be! My wife and I have NO secrets and if we were in a similar situation as yours we would have to just lay it all out there until we got it figured out and who knows....the answer may or may not be the one you are looking for. That might mean you have to tell him about your little cyber flings, your fantasies, what you think about when you masturbate, etc. I am such a passionate person and if there is no passion in the marriage then for me it is doomed. The fact that my wife and I can be SO open with each other and discuss everything helps keep the passion alive.

    The other issue is that he doesn't seem to mind that your are not satisfied sexually and that's a big deal if you ask me. I would be crushed if my wife told me that but at the same time I would make it my life goal to change that and turn it around so I could please her like never before. Have you guys SERIOUSLY talked about this? I mean really sat down and let all your emotions out? To me, something is wrong for sure and you guys need to find what that is. Life is not simply about material things and be "provided for" in that respect. Life IS about passion and love, at least thats the way I see it. Please keep us posted and I certainly hope you can work this out.

    Now I want to go give my wife a big hug.....and some loving :)
     
  17. espresso

    espresso New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2007
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    0
    Cook74,

    I agree that our partners are so much more than sexual partners but I also believe there must always be passion in the relationship. If there is true passion and lust in the relationship then I believe the sexual aspect will fall into place. This is obviously not without exception but you get the idea. I've been married for 7 years and with my wife for 13 years and I can honestly say we are more passionate about each other today then we were when we first started dating and I attribute most of that to our complete openness with each other. If you can share your deepest, darkest secrets and fantasies with your partner then I believe you almost have no choice but to grow to love them even more than before. I hope all this makes sense, it makes perfect sense to me and it works for us but I guess it might not for all. Thanks.

    E
     
  18. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    He does know about all of these things. He also knows how frustrated I am and is fine with me going elsewhere to relieve my sexual energies just as long as I don't physically cheat on him.
     
  19. espresso

    espresso New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2007
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    0
    That just seems so selfish and lame to me but again....I don't know him at all. I know you wanted him to try a MMF threesome and I think I remember you saying somewhere that he said he might be able to do it. Is that an option? It won't solve your problems but at least you won't be so frustrated and it's something he can participate in too. Does he masturbate? Is he just not sexual? Just trying to get my hands around this one.
     
  20. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2007
    Messages:
    607
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    AZ
    I Think sex is part of love and bad sex is just one indicator that something is wrong with the loving relationship. That alone is not enough reason to divorce. That can also be changed and refusal to do what is needed (to change) is another thing wrong. Now we have 2 things. Add to that the other things that go wrong and soon you have a lot of things wrong and few right and THAT is reason for divorce. Er... I'm single by the way..:eek:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.