Intimacy/ Sex= a Fight

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Needyman, Sep 2, 2013.

  1. Needyman

    Needyman New Member

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    I am writing because I am beyond frustrated I am totally at my wits end! Now I am 54 and my wife is a couple years younger than me. Over the past 6-7 years we have been intimate and sexually 10 times, and that is a liberal guess. As a result I am going nuts to find a solution to our lack of any sex.
    Now I am a fairly successful writer and I work at home. While at home I do all the household duties, such as laundry, to grocery shopping, cleaning then I take care of the yard work as well. My wife's friend jokingly calls me the "house Bit**" and even though she is just kidding it hurts. Next my wife is a professional and works outside the home so taking care of things at home is just something that needs to be done and I really don't mind. However, I really do not like the "house Bit**" reference either.
    Regarding my wife she has become so narrow in her life perception that she only concentrates on four things:
    1. Work
    2. The Pittsburg Steelers
    3. Facebook
    4. Our Sons
    Anything outside of these things is an alien matter and she totally disregards them. Furthermore, when we talk things are limited to these subjects. For example, she will talk to me about people at work and things that occur, however all I can really say is yes or no in response. This is because I don't know any of them nor do I even know what the building she works in looks like since I have never been there. Next I love football also, I should since I played in High School, College and then I coached high school football for over 13 years before I retired. However, she has gone beyond being a fan she is a fanatic and it has become so bad that I don't even want to watch games. Everywhere you look in our house is something Pittsburg Steelers. Now as for facebook the people she communicates with on it know her better then I do anymore because, it seems, that she tells them everything. Finally, as for our sons they are both grown men with there own families and they really don't need mom pestering them all the time. The oldest is lucky because he lives in up- state N.Y. The young, however, is in the Navy and stationed here in Pensacola Fl. where we live so she will often show up at his house unannounced (this often makes me feel like she is avoiding me).
    With my working profession I generally work late at night into the A.M. because it is quiet and more conducive to concentrating.
    Now, our typical week day, regarding our contact, goes as follows; first she comes home from work, changes into bed cloths, eats then "Goes into HER BEDROOM" reads the paper and watches T..V.. When the weekend comes she gets up has coffee and eventually ends up on the computer in her office and of course Facebook were she will stay up to 5 hours. Then if there is a sporting event on T.V. she watches it. If there is no sports on she finds reasons to go out, generally to our sons house. Then she bypasses me and eventually ends up in "HER BEDROOM" into the paper and T.V.. Finally, come Monday the entire process starts over.
    Now I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the problem is and for a long time I beat myself to death thinking there was something wrong with me. I even sought psychological care over the matter but in the end I found that I was "normal"( at least as normal as normal can be). The only thing that really came out was that I was really hurting inside.
    Therefore, I began to consider factor in relation to my wife. For example, I thought about age and hormonal changes, adult ADDHD because of the way she is so easily fixated on things. I even got to the point I consider the idea that she had an affair going on or the possibly she had become a lesbian when I was not looking. All of these things still remain as questions in my mind today. In addition, I have also considered her possible insecurity about her weight because she is far from that 115 Lbs. she was when we first met. I noticed on those few time we have had sex that she intentionally covers certain parts of her body. To be honest her weight increase does not bother me because I love her! I have often suggested she speak to her doctor, or pointed out that there over the counter aides for women that she may want to look into but these suggestions fall on deaf ears.
    Next on several occasions I have tried to talk to her about things, but she only gets angry and says I am "Obsessed about sex". It is not like I expect it everyday, although to be honest I would be very happy if it happened, but I would like to be intimate and have sex at least 3 or 4 times a month. To me great sex comes from the emotions of love. In addition, have that intimate time and sex is an important way for her to tell me she loves me and I am important to her, yet no sex is the ultimate rejection and despite what she says her actions say the opposite. In honesty she always tells me she loves me and gives me peck kisses when she goes to work or out some were or when she goes to bed. But still that is not really enough!
    To me the time for intimacy and sex is an experience and not something to be finished in twenty minutes. In my view it is some thing that builds and takes time. Nonetheless, on those occasion we have been active it has been rushed and forced, and totally unsatisfying to me. However, there have been times were it was an experience although very few. The majority of the time it is the rush! Then there are time, when afterward, she will say things like "I gave in" and that is a crush to my heart. It makes it seem like it was a repulsive duty that she preformed. A physical function of no importance. Then there are times she will say something while intimate that makes it sound like "come on lets get it over with" and I respond physically.
    Finally, over the past year I have been seriously considering having an affair. I go back and forth. I have considered asking for an open relationship and I go back and forth. Then divorce after 34 years seems like I am throwing the major part of my life away, and I love her. I have needs and they are not being met. I feel like I sacrifice all the time but stand in wanting. I am beyond frustrate I am at my wits end and I am very hurt. I need to be healed and having some intimacy and sex is the medication. I prefer to get it from my wife, but that is not happening, so do I seek it else where? Then I have been monogamous for so long I don't even know were to begin to seek other women.
     
  2. HotForHoney

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  3. Thomas77

    Thomas77 Member

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    To be honest, i think you actually should send her your post, it shows in so many ways, that you love her, and you want to work things out.
    She has to realize that you also have needs, and you feel she is being emotionel cold, and she needs to make changes, or you will have trouble living a life like you do right now.

    I feel for you, and hope everything will work out......but i dont think a affair in any means is the solution.

    Maybe not tell her that you posted it here ;)
     
  4. backcheck64

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    If it was 6 or 7 months, year at most, I'd say try the proposed suggestions. It's gone on far too long, you've lost way too much time, file for divorce. Sex is as important as any other part of a marriage, without it you have no marriage, you have a roommate. Throw in the towel.
     
  5. Meee

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    Questions like yours always focus on sex, but I'm hearing problems with your schedules, jobs, home life, and other things that have your relationship in a rut. Your sex life can't be improved separately from all the other things. You're going to have to work on other things before sex will fit back in as a natural part of your relationship.

    So, I'll start with one little thing I noticed:

    When she goes out to visit your son, why don't you go together?
     
  6. lbushwalker

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    This is exactly what I was going to suggest.
    House bitch comment aside this is a typical role reversal she becoming the Alpha.
    High time to regain territory.
    Another suggestion is do something for yourself, go to the gym, fishing, out with some friends.....whatever rocks your boat.
     
  7. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I agree with this but if you don't make any head way it may be time for a divorce. Yes it will be a change but change is good sometimes plus life is short enjoy what time you have here.
     
  8. JD_Phoenix

    JD_Phoenix New Member

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    I like these two replies and second the notions. :)
     
  9. Plate

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    You gotta do what you gotta do. You promised monogamy, not celibacy. Have some daytime fun, she would or possibly is.
     
  10. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    have you told her how bad it has gotten for you? if you're thinking about cheating or divorce, maybe telling her will knock some sense into her.