Inside the Mind of a Woman who has just found that her Boyfriend Cheated

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by justified01, Nov 20, 2007.

  1. justified01

    justified01 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    I found out a couple of months ago that my boyfriend of almost a year had been cheating on me with another girl pretty much the entire time we were together. While he had been dating me, he mentioned this other girl on numerous occasions, but in terms of her being an ex-girlfriend. He told stories about her and details about her personal life to me. I found out that not only was she NOT his ex-girlfriend, she had been dating him the entire time I had been dating him, and even a little before. When I told her about me through a text message, she had no idea who I was. We spent almost an entire day exchanging texts, with her asking me about our relationship, how we met, when we would see one another, and how I knew about her (I told her he talked about her in the past tense and said very nasty things about her). I told her who I was because I didn't want her to live a lie like I had been living and to get hurt like I had gotten hurt, and I made sure she knew that I was on her side. I told her that he was very good at lying and was emotionally manipulative because he had manipulated me very much. Much information was revealed, including how he told the both of us that he loved us and wanted to marry us. I also forwarded her many of our e-mail exchanges over the months as proof of our relationship. But after that day of confrontation, I never heard from her or my ex-boyfriend ever again. I've attempted to e-mail her once to ask her if everything was ok, but she never replied. It has been more than a month now since we spoke.

    Now I'm wondering... what exactly is the mentality of a girl who just found out, after more than a year of dating someone, that her boyfriend had been cheating on her almost the entire time? Is she angry at herself? At the other girl? At her boyfriend? Would she really leave him that quickly, or would he succeed in manipulating her into staying? And is the reason why she won't respond to my attempts of contact because she is angry at me for telling her? I really did have good intentions... I was just wondering if anyone had ever been in this situation or heard of anyone being this situation. It seems like it would be very easy to be manipulated into staying (especially if you are in love), but I'm not really sure what to think. I just don't want her to think that all I wanted to do was hurt her. I just couldn't bear the thought of another person going through this horrible situation the way I did.
     
  2. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Oooh I'd say somewhere between rampantly homicidal and compulsively violent....
     
  3. cook74

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,860
    Likes Received:
    5,893
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    It might be a good idea to distance yourself from both the other people involved, as he is obviously a liar and she might be thinking irrationally right now.

    Maybe a get together with the woman at a later date, when she has had time to calm down, would be better for you to share your side of the story with her.
     
  4. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    The man speaks wisdom :tup Not every woman has the same degree of emotional fortitude that you've shown. There are a lot of "codependent" women (and men) out there who simply cannot disengage from a dysfunctional relationship until they're ready (and many never are). I'm sure that everything you've shared with her has had a profound impact on the way she sees her relationship and her role in it...but she needs time to process that information and come to grips with reality. If you try too hard to press her into accepting the reality of her situation, she may rebel and shut down, go even farther into denial. Rest assured that you've done a good thing, sweetie.

    Please take good care of your emotional needs, Ok? If you'd like to know of a good online place to talk with women who've been in your shoes, just drop me a PM.
     
  5. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2007
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    2
    I hate to say this,but she could be still be dating the guy or he could have talked his way out of it with her or maybe she the type of person that just wants anybody and is afraid of losing him.
     
  6. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2007
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA

    Yes. This. And it may also be too much for her to stomach to hear from "the other woman" so often. Maybe they're working it out.


    (disclaimer: not that you were the other woman! You only are to her. Because you didn't know that she-well, you know what I mean ;))
     
  7. justified01

    justified01 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    I understand. I haven't had any contact with my ex-bf since the day of the confrontation, which was about 6-7 weeks ago. I'd already broken up with him by then... this information, I guess, was more of an after-thought than anything else. I haven't had any contact with the other girl since the last time I e-mailed her, which was about a month ago. I won't be contacting her anymore. I guess a little part of me is wishing that she would contact me some time down the road, so that I could explain myself to her, and also to get the full story from her end as well. But that may never happen, I will just need to move on.

    Thank you for the kind words. I know that the information I gave her was overwhelming and probably a lot to take in emotionally, which was why I was so worried that she wouldn't be strong enough to take his manipulations. I was hoping I could talk to her a little longer before she confronted him, but I guess it was all just too much for her to take in, and she did it before I could give her the whole story. I know that I did the right thing, and I sure as hell would've wanted someone to do this for me, even if it hurt like hell. It's not like I haven't been going through my own personal hell, even though I'd already broken up with him by the time I found out. I can only imagine how it must have felt for her still being in the relationship.

    This possibility still floats around in my head, which is why I came here to ask for a second opinion. I can only hope that she was strong enough to pull herself away, but there is nothing else I can do. I just don't know how he could've talked his way out of it though, but I don't know; I'm not her. I gave her a lot of evidence, and most of it extremely hurtful on his part. I have a hard time understanding if she could have found a way to stay, unless she just wants to live in denial and paranoia for the rest of duration of the relationship. I just know that even if they are together, it won't last long. She'll be suspicious forever. God knows I will for whatever other relationships I have down the road...