Insecurity issues

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Dreama, Aug 12, 2007.

  1. Dreama

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    Alright....I feel really stupid for even posting this here, because in my opinion, this is a very silly problem. In fact, it shouldn't even be a problem. So, here goes...

    Alright, my fiance and I have been together for about 2.5 years. My fiance used to watch porn, but when we started being sexually active, stopped, because he didn't need the sexual release because we were having ample sex. Well, this summer, we've not been together so much, because I'm working on my college campus, while he's back at his place doing his own thing. We get to see one another every few weeks, but since we aren't together enough, he watches porn more. I have NO problem with porn. I don't have a problem with him watching porn at all. So, when the subject came up, I asked him about what kind he watched, because I'm a very curious person, and I thought I could subtly glean some information about how I could do something different in the bedroom to please him sexually.

    So, I got onto his computer, and looked up some of the sites he uses. Well, the first site came up, and it wasn't anything unusual..Standard porn, I guess you could say...But, the women were so beautiful, it reminded me that I'll never be that beautiful...I'm a bigger woman...I'm not grossly overweight, but I am a bit chubby, and the sight of these gorgeous, big-boobed perfect women really got to me, because that is something that I'll never be. I mean, I'm willing to become more fit and all, but I'm not perfect...I mean, I have stretch marks, and all the imperfections that many normal women have, and scars and things. No matter how fit and thin I become, I'll never be that gorgeously glamorous. I mean, I can never compete with that. And, I know it's a stupid thing to be upset about. How can I get past these stupid insecurities?

    I would like to note that my fiance has never said anything to me that would make me think he wants me to be like that, and I know that this is my problem, and mine alone.But I can't get past the feeling of inferiority. I mean, is this secretly what he wishes me to be? I'm sure I'm just being stupid, but I want to be able to satisfy him just as well, and I am afraid by not being as drop dead beautiful, I'll never be able to, because I can't live up to that impossible standard.

    So, does anyone have any advice for me? How can I get past this, and come to terms with myself? I don't want our relationship to suffer because I can't stop thinking about how I'll never be that good. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Nah, I don't think it's a silly problem. Do you think that if your bf took a peek at a porn stash of yours (hypothetically speaking) and saw all these muscle-bound dudes with massive wangs, he wouldn't feel at least a little inadequate? And we woman are more hung-up on body image, we worry more about how our partners perceive us, if they think we're sexy, etc.

    I don't know how much of a comfort I can be...I can only tell you what I've observed, and share my own porn experience. You're young, so I assume your fiance is also around your age. I've noticed that immaturity often correlates to the type of porn a guy finds appealing. Seems to me that young guys go in more for the exagerrated female physique (big round boobs, big round bottom, tiny waist) when they want something to wank off to. That doesn't mean they exclusively find that body type attractive. If you have a healthy sex life with your fiance (and I know you do), that right there is plenty proof enough that he finds you sexy and enjoys the hell out of your body. As guys get older, they seem to appreciate diversity of body types in porn more...the stereotypical porn doll doesn't hold the same appeal (at least this is what I've noticed).

    Of course, if you look at male strippers and Playgirl models, they've got the type of body that most men can only dream of possessing...so, it is a two-way street. If you were just as "visual" as your bf, you might have a stash of Playgirl models on your computer, or he might come across you drooling over Bodybuilder's pictures ;) There is something in our hard-wiring that causes us to revere the exagerrated depiction of the male/female physique...it speaks to us on a sexually very primal level. There are certain cocks I could drool over all day long, but I don't wish I had a partner with the same sort of cock--it just isn't important.

    And, you know, maybe there are other sites he visits that incorporate more of a diversity of body types...and you just didn't get around to seeing them :shrug
     
  3. Dreama

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    Thanks for the reply, Bluesy.


    See, the thing is, I've never been much of a porn person....I just don't find it that interesting. I prefer the imagination, and when I need some extra stimulus, I always just think about sex instead of admiring pictures of people I don't know. So, I don't have a porn stash...I've looked for myself perhaps 2 times out of curiosity, and got extremely bored. Plus, I don't find that kind of thing particularly attractive. While I recognize that it is a perfectly healthy and normal means of self gratification, it's just not for me...Not that I haven't been known to look at an image or two in the multi media section of our forum, but that is mostly out of fun, and curiosity, and giving others encouragment when they most want/need it. And, that isn't the kind of thing that would upset me if my fiance did....

    I think another thing that may be bothering me, is the fact that I'm not used to seeing my fiance ogle other women. Not that this is the same thing at all...But since we've been together, he just doesn't ever seem to be interested in female contact other than mine, and perhaps a friendly hello to female acquaintance, so it could be that I am a little jealous. Of course, logically, that it's silly and stupid of me to be, but in a way, I have to admit that I probably am, more than I'd like to admit.

    And, I should have looked more extensively through the other sites, because I only looked at one, and concluded that I didn't want to feel more inferior than I already did. But, I was being hasty about becoming upset. I guess I'll just have to learn to control my emotions better, and not take things like that personally.
     
  4. xplodez

    xplodez New Member

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    Dont forget either that the reason porn is so popular is that these girls who are doing it are extremely good looking Sometimes.. dont forget though that it would not sell if it was just a bunch of normal people either... Porn is porn, when im not with my gf i watch it, but id take her and her imperfections in a heart beat over some porn star..
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Dream just an idea hun...

    When i was young i used to fantasise about gorgeous looking females they were just for dreaming about ....
    but for a relationship i always went for a real female one that had a life a personality and a love for me .......

    the females he sees in the pornos are just objects to males....where as you are the real mccoy Dreama, a real woman heart sould life personality and a very warm loving heart..........is that worth more to your fiance than the female with the body and tits.....................................................................................











    You bet your sweet buns it is ..
     
  6. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Amature Porn is picking up a lot in recent years and these are mainly your ordinary every day people...all types of porn sell .

    Its a non personal thing with guys mainly the yare just seen as a fuck thing..sad but true...


    were as the lady in your life is the one your heart soul nd body belong to.
     
  7. Dreama

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    Well, I know these things. I guess it just intimidated me, because I thought that might be what he wanted me to be, and didn't want to tell me.
    Logically, I know it's ridiculous to think that, but it just still gets to me, in a way.
     
  8. Bluesy

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    I just wish I had some magic words to make you feel better about it :( I guess that because I like porn I understand the difference between getting turned on by a body on the screen and getting turned on by someone you're hot for in real life. I like to see a variety of body types, but the studly guys do grab my attention a bit more (again, that hard-wiring). The thing is, I've never once wished I had a partner that looked like them. I've never thought, "Gosh, if only soandso had a body like that!", because it's the uniqueness of your partner's body that you come to treasure and crave (maybe not for everyone, but for most, I would bet). I don't think I'd even feel that comfortable being with a guy who had a physically "ideal" body...How could I ever hope he'd love my flaws if he had none to speak of? :ugh

    That sounds reasonable. I know it was difficult for me to accept the very natural inevitability of my partner finding other women attractive. It was a process I went through (and it seemed silly and hypocritical to me, because I found other guys attractive, but I did have to make peace with it). It has nothing to do with your being less attractive than you were before, it's just human nature that we're all going to admire beauty in others no matter how much we desire/love our partner, and no matter how devoted we are to them. So maybe this is something you've never been confronted with before and have to deal with for the first time ever. You're a very smart, very wise woman, and I know you'll work through it and make peace with it :)
     
  9. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Dreama you need to trust more in yourself , you have so so so many great and wonderful traits about you, I think your are a hell of a gorgeous woman...someone i would be extremly greatful to have been lucky enough to be with, and i am betting your guy feels the same way to..

    Fantasys as you know and most know are normaly just that, were as you are flesh and blood.....if he doesnt look at other females in that way in real life its because he is satisfied and happy with you , he looks at these other females because for one thing they cant see him looking back...the yare not real in the same sense that you are, there for they are just a mind trip and youll probably find his mind has you in the foreground even when he is looking at them, maybe wondering what it would be like trying those things out with you.
     
  10. Dreama

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    Thank you Bluesy, your words always help. My SO always tells me how much he loves me, and how much he loves being with me, so I logically understand that he does not want me to look like a perfect image of the female specimen...I guess I just have to get used to the fact that other women seem attractive to him, also. Not just me. It's kind of a disheartening realization, in a way. I just need to look at it in a different, more positive light, I suppose, instead of whining about the fact that I'm not perfect. Thank you for your advice, Bluesy.
     
  11. Bluesy

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    That's a very good point! I don't get turned on by the bodies so much as just seeing other people engaged in sex acts. It's other people groping and kissing and fucking that really gets me going!

    I'm just glad I was able to help out a bit :)
     
  12. Dreama

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    Thanks, Kronnie. You're always a self-esteem booster.

    I know fantasies are fantasies. I guess because I have a much different means of fanticizing, it's a little weird getting used to. I mean, all of mine involve him, so I guess I just feel left out or something. I'll get over it. Thanks, hun.
     
  13. Buffalo204

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    The only one I can tell you about is me. My fantasy life and what I want in reality are not even close. In fantasy 18 year olds are just right. In reality they drive me nuts. I want a woman that remembers Ike or at least John. In fantasy I love anal. Not in reality. In fantasy I like to give a little pain. In reality if she says "Ouch" I go soft I think I'd stay out of his library.:ugh
     
  14. cbrmale

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    I've tended towards being a connoisseur of beauty, and I have had some lovely women in my life at different times: at least one girlfriend who was easily pornstar material (too curvy for a model).

    The soulmate who really makes my life complete is not like past attractive partners, or porn stars. She is coloured African, and I think she is attractive in her own way and she is very special to me even though she has her own insecurities about her looks and her body. She works out a couple of times a week in the gym and she keeps herself looking good, and I love her even more for the way she looks after herself.

    Men enjoy beauty, I do. But typically men have another side, the one who loves his soulmate (emotional and sexual), the one who can see beyond the spoilt brat having sex on the DVD to the woman who makes his life meaningful, and who has hot and raunchy sex with him because she loves him and she knows he loves her.
     
  15. Joe

    Joe
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    Dreama,
    Keep in mind that most porn features the same type of perfect, air-brushed women with big boobs, slender waists, round little butts and long legs. It's what's easiest to find. That doesn't mean your guy wants women like that; he might just be looking for porn and that's what pops up first.

    I was never enthralled with big boobs until I met my late wife. She was a 36DD, and I suddenly, for the first time, found myself looking for porn featuring large-breasted women. It was easier to visualize HER in place of the models. Now I'm married to a very slender woman, and I prefer porn with models who have her look. That doesn't mean I only watch porn featuring women who are slender, because I'll just watch whatever happens to be there -- usually it's the "gorgeous, big-boobed perfect women."

    And when I do watch porn, which isn't often, I usually try to imagine that the female actress is my wife and the male actor is me. It's the action that turns me on, not the actress but what she's doing.

    I'll bet you anything that if your S.O. had homemade porn with YOU in it, that's what he'd actually prefer.
     
  16. Dreama

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    Thanks, Joe and Cbrmale for the advice.



    While I understand what you're saying, and acknowledge that this could be what my fiance is thinking, I don't understand why he just wouldn't just ask for it, if that's really what he wanted. He knows I would do it. Sexually, I'm pretty open. I guess that's why I feel this is such a stupid problem to have...The reason for my sadness is totally unfounded and idiotic. Yet, I don't know how to feel better about it. Reading all of the replies is really helping me look past the part of me who wants to take offense.
     
  17. Fliteskates

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    Dreama,

    I know I'm not your boyfriend, so all I can do is give you my perspective, as a male.

    I dated two models who probably looked similar to the girls you saw on those porn sites (well their breasts prob weren't as big lol) but their bodies where perfect.

    I broke up with both of them because I couldn't find a connection - I wanted someone who understood me, and connected with me on a deeper level. When i was younger these where my ideal women... until I realized you need more in a relationship than physical attraction.

    It was a classic case of "careful what you wish for, you just may get it"

    I met my fiance two years ago... and her body is not perfect. While she is in good shape, she doesn't have legs that go on forever like my old g/fs and she actually has a scar on her tummy from appendicitis surgery when she was 4.

    I love her body and don't care about her imperfections... I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.. and I feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest when she is gone.

    I'm sure your b/f feels the same way about you.

    On the flip side... guys feel the same as you do, believe me.

    I am in really good shape... but lately I've been feeling pissed off at Criss Angel, the magician/illusion guy.

    I used to watch his show every week.. and my g/f who never watches tv, sat down and watched it with me one day.

    Now she is obsessed with him.. she talks about Criss Angel at work... she wants one of his T shirts... etc etc.. she talks about his sexy abs... etc...

    So I've been thinking uh.. what about my 6-pack? Hello? Im the guy who gets up and runs 5 miles a day and then lifts to look sexy for you... I can't make an elephant disappear but hey whatever.

    Then there is the whole Brad Pitt and Beckham (soccer guy) thing...

    But I never say anything...

    So believe me, guys feel insecure just as much as you. You aren't alone - you are just being human.
     
  18. Dreama

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    Thanks for the insight, Fliteskates....I know guys are just as insecure, but they seem to be more resilient when it comes to things like that. They usually don't feel as bad about it as long. I know I'll forget about my insecurities eventually, but damn....I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I've literally been crying about this for days. Just reading the advice people have given me makes me cry. Perhaps I'm just being over emotional because of my birth control or something, but I really want to feel better about it. I just hope I figure out how to forget it soon, or else I'm going to drive myself crazy.
     
  19. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    Listen I am going to be straight up and honest,
    The fucking porn sites are a lot like the fucking media, they portray the the only beautiful people are these little barbie doll clones, for lack of better words bitches.
    I have spent so much time looking for just normal average girls but it is so hard to find them.

    If I were you, and this is not a "dumb" problem, I wouldn't worry about your appearance. He finds you attractive and that is all that matters. He his probably like me, I find beauty in all women but am attracted to true real women the most.

    This is just my opinion, I hope this helped
     
  20. cbrmale

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    Vampire Raver,
    Don't get too carried away! I mentioned I once had a girlfriend who was easily pornstar material, she had an amazing body and she was one of those very rare women who looked better naked than dressed (although in stilettos and a mini skirt...). And she had the most delightful personality, one of the nicest people I have ever meet. She knew that men thought highly of (lusted after) her looks, and she felt insecure about this because it was her mind and her personality she wanted to connect with. This is Dreama's problem in reverse. Bitch? Hardly!

    As a couple we were travelling different paths so it could never be more than it was. But it was special for a while, and I learned that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.