In-Law troubles HELP

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Hope80, Jun 15, 2008.

  1. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

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    I feel i am at a crossroads with my s/o.

    My s/o's mother is an alcoholic - 24/7.
    I look into the future and anticipate severe problems in our relationship when i think about how her problems will become our own. Her husband (my s/o's father) cudnt care LESS about her condition and i suspect would LOVE for her to die a lot earlier in life because he does nothing to help her - much to the contrary. Works 3 hrs away and only comes home on weekends. what kind of a man leaves a woman in her state to look after his children is beyond me. (shes already almost set fire to the house because of being out of it with food on the stove) MORE THAN ONCE.

    My s/o locks up the wine cellar door to keep his mother out of it - his father comes home for the weekend and cant have a meal without his wine. So what does he do? Break down the cellar door so he can have his wine, doesnt FIX THE DOOR AND THE LOCK, leaves for work and leaves the door unlocked for the week so his wife can drown herself in whatever issues shes having.

    I find his fathers actions dispicable and i can barley look at him.

    I've tried helping her by finding out about aa meetings in her native landuage and everything, she refuses help...and even rudly told me to stay out of it because it wasnt any of my business.

    I dont want to have to take care of her later in life -if NOW it isnt my business, then later it still shudnt be.

    Im thinking these issues could ruin a marriage...Should i just leave now?
     
  2. Dreama

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    Dude, do you guys live with your In-Laws?? Bad idea. It seems like they need to be more independent, and deal with their issues themselves. If not, why is your husband locking her wine cellar door? Better yet, why is there a wine cellar in a place where an alcoholic is living? Some of the things in your post left me confused. Perhaps you could elaborate so everything becomes more clear.
     
  3. igor

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    How does your s/o respond to this problem? Yes - it could well be a BIG problem for your future.
     
  4. Hope81

    Hope81 New Member

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    My fiance lives at home, and i visit quite a bit and see all these things transpiring.
    As for the wine cellar - what can i say? Wine happens to be a staple in my fiance's heritage background and...his father enjoys a glass with his meals ....his mother on the other hand prefers entire barrels.
    My fiance felt the need to lock the cellar door to keep his mother out of it!

    Its a sad situation...My fiances father MAKES wine aswell, regardless of his wifes condition.

    He reminds me of a neighbour i have two doors down. She killed her husband. How? Her husband was a very sick man with diabetes. He also had a sweet tooth. What does his wife do? Bring him alllll the pasteries his little heart desired - all his favorite drinks...And did him in that way. Perfectly legal. She bought a cadillac after his death it seemed, to celebrate.
     
  5. Hope81

    Hope81 New Member

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    My fear is that someday my fiance's father might just leave his wife. Might. And if by that time myself and my fiance are living together, theres no way in hell i will abide by her moving in with us. First born son or not. I refuse to live with a drunk. I wasnt raised that way and refuse to have to put up with a bad situation at home in my adulthood. My fiance also wants a family - another reason i wont put up with the mere idea of her ever moving in. Grandmother or not. Shes a danger to herself and to others. No children or pets for that matter, of mine, are going to witness anyones constant drunken state.

    I can just imagine his desire to have her live with us - and i completely understand, she is his mother afterall. But i just cannot have it. Under any circumstance.
     
  6. DavesNotHere

    DavesNotHere New Member

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    Wow, that's quite a situation that's presented itself to you. You and your fiance' need to have a serious, uninterrupted talk about this, and may potentially have to make some very difficult decisions. It appears that as time goes on, the situation is going to only make itself worse unless there is some intervention. Since it doesn't appear that your fiance' and both of his parents are truly communicating about these issues in any way, you're going to be stuck in a situation in which you have no control at all - and that's a feeling that no one wants to have in life.

    You need to decide if your love for your fiance' is stronger than the emotional drain that his parents might have upon you. As someone who also had an alcoholic mother-in-law, I wish you all the best.
     
  7. Dreama

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    Ahh...It's becoming more clear. Personally, I wouldn't be able to be with someone if I had to adopt their parents' issues. Just saying. That's not his fault, your fault, or anyone else's fault. If she won't do for herself, nobody else can do anything for her. Even though I think it's a bad idea for her to be exposed to that kind of alcohol-promoting environment, it's ultimately her decision to get herself away from that, or do something about it. My father is a recovered alcoholic. Until he decided to actually do something, nobody else could help him, no matter who tried. If she chooses to not seek help, that's not anyone else's issue. I'd just refuse to be a part of anyone else's problems. They aren't your responsibility to bear.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    There is a point at which an adult child decides that he is an ADULT, first and foremost. That means a separate entity. An individual. Someone with personal goals and aspirations.

    The only thing causing this co-dependency to continue would be guilt, caused by insecurities. that's where you and your S/O need to make a solid commitment to each other. The bottom line is - your inlaws will be gone at some point. Are you making a life for yourselves? - or for the FOUR of you?

    Granted - cultural heritage causes some to feel compelled to feel responsible for their "elders". But times have changed. Our "elders" no longer are the adorably respectable mentors that they used to be in times past. They have their own demons. Adult children need to free themselves from those generational demons!! Otherwise, it quite possibly will turn full-circle, and cause the same problems in your own family.

    The two of you need to decide NOW on your plan. If you can agree that you're on the same team, to the exclusion of all others, then you stand a chance.
     
  9. Bluesy

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    Sweetie, they have a word for the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts: codependents. Codependents are "caretakers" and "rescuers" who become accustomed to trying to save the addict from themselves (and they sometimes "enable" the addict's destructive lifestyle, or indirectly, or directly, help to perpetuate it)...it simply can't be done. I highly recommend that your fiance begin attending Al-Anon meetings (you can generally find up-to-date schedules of local meetings through their website). ETA: There's also ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

    As others have said, if this relationship is to succeed, you're going to have to discuss this issue with your fiance and set some very stringent boundaries (e.g., he agrees that mom will never move in with the two of you unless she quits drinking and regularly attends AA meetings, she will not be allowed around future grandchildren if she's been drinking, and so on and so forth). If he won't accept your terms or appears hesitant, I would run in the opposite direction as far and as fast as you can. When you marry a man, you also marry his family. Not to mention, all children of alcoholics grow up in a dysfunctional environment and learn unhealthy, maladaptive behaviors for which either long-term support from a group such as Al-Anon, or psychological counseling, is going to be necessary for learning how to participate in a healthy, interdependent adult love relationship. So if he isn't interested in seeking out support for himself, that, to me, would be also be a deal-breaker.

    However you choose to deal with this situation, I wish you all the best. Keep us updated, Ok?
     
    #9 Bluesy, Jun 15, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2008
  10. Kanto

    Kanto Member

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    Its tough having in-laws that you have to worry about. Perhaps they make poor decisions, or have bad habits. In many ways its worse than having in-laws who are merely unlikable or snobby.

    If these things worry you, then you need to discuss them with him. If dealing with them now causes you to run the risk of separating, imagine how much more expensive and heartbreaking they'll be if they cause you to divorce. If you can come to some kind of compromise now for these issues, they won't rock the boat as much later on.
     
  11. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    This is a very scary situation you are in Hope. Think long and hard because even though you say you will not have a drunk living in your house things change once you are married. I allowed my alcoholic and druggie step son to come and live with us. My wife said just until he got himself straightened out, but 5 yrs later he is still messed up, still living with us, and putting a strain on OUR relationship. I don't wish this on anyone and if you can avoid it do so any way you can.
    The advice from the others is right on, as usual. Talk to your fiancee and not just chit-chat. This needs to be a no holds barred sit down and discuss this whole situation. Tell him, without holding back anything, what you think, what you want, and the consequences. Be honest with him and yourself because NOW is the time, not after the wedding.
    If he doesn't want to talk about it about it then, IMHO, that is a huge red flag and you better rethink the whole thing. Better to have loved and lost than be shackled with a drunk MIL.
     
  12. Hope81

    Hope81 New Member

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    I've spoken with my fiance about how i feel and he seems completely understanding and feels the same way about his mothers situation. He knows shes not any kind of example to have in front of any future children we might have.

    I feel for you bucky, i really do. I dont know if i could have stuck in there for 5 yrs...You show extrordinary patience.

    As much as i love my fiance, i do see myself leaving him if he should put up any kind of resistence in the future about our conversation. If he dares go back on his word, its done.

    As much as i love my parents - id never move them into my family home if they were like his mother. Ever. As much as it might kill me.

    I think im going to bring up the topic by him again just to see if hes had any change of hearts...Any thoughts at all about anything...I think i might have to be his back bone one day in keeping his word to me.

    Hes got two other siblings to help deal with her.
     
  13. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Great big hug for you Hope. Sounds like you have a great plan and are very all together. I've said it many a time on this forum that communication is the cornerstone for a successful marriage.
     
  14. evman

    evman New Member

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    My first wifes parents were both alcoholics and family functions sure were exciting to say the least. I can understand your fianc├ęs position because after it's still his mother. Sometimes there is nothing you can do other times there are steps you can take to help. It's a tough situation you are in. You two need to talk it out and see what kind of understanding you can come to. It may be that you exclude yourself from being around his family. This situation can come to between the two of you if you let it.

    Good luck.
     
  15. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    It's a step you have to take!

    Alcoholism is a sad a serious affliction! Try once to connect the person with AA. Nobody can lick alcoholism on their own. They need outside help. But finally it's their decision.

    But you MUST leave! No young couple should live for more than a short period with inlaws!