in it for the chase

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by BiBiBaby, May 23, 2004.

  1. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    ok... right now i am PRAYING that my bf forgot that i post here. Heck, i forgot about the place for a while.



    I met my man online a little over one year ago. he was a moderator in a regional chat room i'd started going to. At the time i was in a relationship for about a year and a half and had just found out i was pregnant at 17. he and i chitchatted casually and on his request i sent him my pic (turns out that was a competition he had going with another friend, who can get the most). After a while we added eachother to messengers and began talking more frequently. one night i even got on webcam naked, something i'd NEVER thought of before then (he didn't ask for that, it just kinda happened).

    We were just friends, never really expected to meet eachother. Especially since we were both in long term relationships. but the more we talked the closer i felt to him, and eventually we started phoning eachother (yikes $800 phone bill)

    one night i told him i thought i was falling in love with him, and he informed me that he was glad i said something because he was feeling the same but dind't know how to say it.

    we met in real life in early september and i broke up with my boyfriend a week later... and kind of became his 'mistress' as he was still living with his gf.

    now, things have fallen into place for us and come this august we will finally be living in the same area (within 10 minutes) instead of 4 hours apart. and we will both be available to be exclusive to eachother....

    the problem is... after becoming pregnant and miscarrying a year ago...i'm not sure i want a serious longterm relationship.... just when he's about to be mine i'm not sure i want him... i LOVE him, i know that... but the idea of a relationship now seems odd... whats wrong with me... am i just in it for the chase? should i tell him we can't be together? but i know that if i do it will break both of our hearts.
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Bi Baby,

    Nice to see you back on SF. I posted to you before, but I don't recall saying anything profound.

    My style of posting is more to bring up ideas for people.

    Certainly there is an element of the challenge of the chase in forming a relationship. Something like, "Can I really put this thing together?"

    Then once you are close to actually putting the realtionship together, the question comes up, "Is this really what I want?"

    I have been married with kids for a while. I have been studying "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. The idea is that a realtionship is like two overlapping cirlces. One circle is you, the other is him, and the overlapping part is what you agree upon, and that is "Us".

    Lately I have realized the the overlapping section of the circles has a top half and a bottom half. The bottom half being the things that you both agree on. The top half of the overlapping section is what you both have compromised on, to get to an agreement on the issues.

    The last time I bougth a car, it was primarily for my daughtger. My wife objected that it was too expensive. So the choice of car was not in the bottom section of the overlapping section. But we worked out an agreement, that if my daughter were to fail to earn the privilege of the car, and until she did, I would make the car payments, and drive the car to work, as my transpportation. So we agreed on buying that car, by an agreement in the top, compromising section of marital agreements.

    Right now, I am shopping for another car, because my son totalled one of our cars, and the inspection will run out sometime in the next few months. I have presented ideas for several cars to my wife, but I have failed to get her agreement either in the top section or the bottom section. In Marriagebuilders. com, they talk about POJA, the Policy of joint Agreement. That is that either spouse should not buy anything without the other spouse's full, entusiastic suport. This is perhaps the meaning of "Love and Obey" Obey means living your life in the overlapping section of your cirlces with your lover.

    Well I certainly have gone on and not answered your question. Perhaps I have rephrased your question, to be, "Do you have enough in your overlapping section of your circles to make an interesting life?" How big is your top section versus your bottom section of your overlapping section? How much will you naturally agree upon, and how much will have to be worked on? What spirit of cooperation is there for working to find compromises?

    My wife takes the approach that her ideas are more rigthteous than my ideas, which is a little discouraging. How encouraging is your realtionship?

    Blessings.
     
  3. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    as far as encouragement goes, i've NEVER had someone believe in me the way he does. he pushes me to do things, but not because they would benefit him or because they are what he wants, but because it is what I want i just have a tendency to need outside motivation.

    as for things in common, we have the major things, ie, religion/beliefs, life goals, background in common and on things like our likes/dislikes and hobbies ect the differences make things so much fun,

    compromising has been easy thus far, with distance as a factor we got a handle on that one pretty quickly as far as 'you visit then i visit' goes...

    i feel like i'm just rambling. I love him and i'm happy with him. But at the same time i am only 18 and have not had a relationship last LESS than 6 months... (7, 22, and now 9)