I'm unsure and need some opinions...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by GluteusMaximus, Dec 30, 2006.

  1. GluteusMaximus

    GluteusMaximus New Member

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    I was/am in an over 2 year relationship with my girl and for the last year is has been long distance (~2hrs), which has been tough on the both of us. We were/are extremely close and absolutely love being with each other. She is in a major with all guys, she is the only girl, so her close group of friends she always hangs out with are all guys, mainly one or two in particular, which makes me uncomfortable. Being 2 hours away I can't help but get jealous and skeptical and she knows how it makes me feel when shes with them yet seems to not even try to change anything or make the situation more comfortable for me, she's pretty much just like they're my friends deal with it. She had grown especially close to one guy, and would spend literally hours at a time over there with him, supposedly "doing homework", and would constantly be drinking and hanging out there with him on weekends. I would comment to her on the fact shes over there often and I'd bring up concerns of mine, and she would get incredibly defensive and protective of him, and assure me that they were only friends and nothing was going on. Long story short, I found out about a month ago that she had cheated on me with him earlier in the semester, when I thought we were still on good terms, and the reason she said was because she wanted to break up with me but was scared to and she hoped I found out about her cheating and would break up with her instead. I was extremely angry and upset for weeks, but recently I've kind of come to terms with the whole situation, but I have lost an incredible amount of trust and respect for her that will be extremely tough to regain. She has apologized and said it was just a one time thing and goes on to say she still loves me and wants to be with me again we just need some time apart. I do still love her, as I know she does me, but I do not know if I can be comfortable knowing what she did to me, and the fact she is going to continue to spend considerable amounts of time with him for the next year and a half until she graduates. I just don't know whether to just forget about it and move on or to truly try to make things work again and teach myself how to be accepting to her choice of friends. She's such a huge piece of me I don't know how I would react not having her in my life at all anymore and I don't know if it's worth risking losing her to find out. We have been making progress recently in patching the holes that had developed in our relationship, and we are on better terms now that we have been in months, but I just don't know if I want to risk finding out something else that is going to hurt me so badly again. Has anyone been in a situation like this or have and comments or suggestions? I've never been through anything like this before, in fact she is my first true love and relationship I've been in.
     
  2. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    From the sounds of it she is using you as a security thing. Meaning she wants to have someone that she can call her boyfriend and have someone she can play being a couple with. However she does not comprehend what is involved in a relationship and wants the freedom to "play the field" in the event someone better comes along. Since she was confronted with the fact that she might actually loose you she has "changed" for the time being and "trying to work on the relationship". There is a good chance that this will be a short-term thing until she sleeps with someonelse. Unfortunately you have been caught up in her insecurities, whims, and I am willing to bet your relationship is cycling out of control. Meaning she has cheated once, that you are aware of, now she seems to be closer to you but she still "flirts" with other guys. Next she will cheat again but this time she will appear to be "even working harder" on the relationship. The cycle will continue until it is ended or you completely deny what is occurring so that she can feed her "whims". In one way the "drama" makes the relationship exciting and unique. My guess is, at least for you, the thrill has finally worn off.

    Having been in a similar situation like yourself I can relate to what you are going through. Also I can tell you not all women are like her and that if you decide not to pursue this relationship you will find someone much better for you. I am not you but I have know "types" similar to her. What I can tell you is this, she is not worth your time or effort.
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Gluteus Maximus,

    There are a variety of ways to approach fidelity in a relationship.

    You speak of being hurt, by infidelity, but you don't list a few or a good number of logical reasons for her to curtail her social life to make yhou feel better. If you arfe able to rattle off a few reasons, logic is sometimes helpful.

    I used to believe that if a woman loved me, then she would automatically start being true to me. Now my view is more that in addition to Love, Fidelity needs to be managed.

    Attention is one of the tools I use to increase my attractiveness and likelyhood of fidelity.

    If there is a particular guy I am concerned about, I will have a talk with him. One time I started laughing like I was nuts, so he would get the idea that it would be good not to cross me.

    Different women relate differently to guys. If you are jealous, and having a feeling of fidelity is a big deal to you, maybe you should find a woman who will more likely spend time with the girls, rather than the guys.

    I once mentioned to a guy that his Lady spent time with other guys. He replied, "Well as long as I get my clock cleaned, I don't care about anything else." So ther is a concept that you could just worry about your relationship with the woman, and if it is good, great. If it needs improvement, then identify those areas, and work on it.

    There is more infidelity than that what gets admitted to. Denial is an important psychological crutch.

    Honesty is nice, sometimes, but sometimes it can be cruel to admit something that is would be kinder to keep secret. If you cheat, then you have a duty to honor your woman, and keep that secret, for her honor.

    The fac that she admited cheating indicates that ther may be a growing, learning process occurring here. A woman who has cheated and changed is probably more trustworhty than one who has never cheated, and does not know how to watch out for the steps.

    One the I try to do is to avoid complaining about my wife to real people. I have confided complaints in severl women inthe past, and they latch onto the idea that I should dump my wife. That creates a pattern of temptation.

    An advantage of having a cheating wife is that when it comes to divorce, the woman is in a less powerful position for alimony, child custody, child support, college set asides, etc., as long as yhou are careful yourself.

    Another way to look at a cheating wife, is taht if she is cheating, then she can't complain about your flirting around.

    Healing from Just Found Out: Here is a link to recovery from Cheating in Marriage from Marriage Builders: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

    I have laid out a number of approaches to the issue, so some of my ideas will not work for you. If you post back, with more details of your challenges, better ideas might come forth.

    Buy her a big diamond, and make sure she wears it. (Pawn shops sometimes have good bargains) You have not menitoned why you can't be closer to her. You have not mentioned how you could spend more time with her. Could you buy her a tutor, that you paid and controlled?

    It sounds like you don't have a lot of money or power. Join the Mason's Knights of Columbus, or some secret society that will get you places.
     
  4. Logger

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    Also Search: Jealous or Jealousy or Cheating or Cheat
     
  5. Logger

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  6. Dreama

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    I'd kick her to the curb. I don't think I could trust someone after that. I think she's using you, and you need to get away from that.
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Gluteous Mximus,

    My link in my previous post to a cheating search failed, as I set it up, but you can do the search on cheat or cheating or jealousy or jealous or true or untrue or faithful or unfaithful, and come up with a number of SF theads on jealousy.

    Further, it seems to me that you are wondering if your GF is cheating on you. It seems to me that you have it backwards. The guys who are seeing your GF should be wondering what you are going to do to them in your reprisal against them. Are you going to dig up some dirt on them? Are you going to use the TRUTH to get them fired or demoted in the future? What is the reach of the secret societies to which you belong?

    If GF is going to be spending time with a guy, ask her for his social security number, complete name, and date of birth. Make sure the guy knows you have enough info to get an honest private detective after him.

    Another concept is the Appearance of Impropriety. IF GF is spending late nights studying innocently with particular guy, then walking out of his apartment at 2 AM, has the appearance of impropriety. You can reasonably ask GF to consider your reputation, or honor, or what innuendos are getting back to your family and friends.
     
  8. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Im with Dreama......Id dump her!
    Your so young still , Id go out and find someone who lives closer.....and you can spend time with and that you dont have to worry about! You stated trust is an issue...well...thats huge, your never going to be completely at ease knowing and wondering if shes doing someone else again.
    As I said, you are young, go out and date and have fun and find someone you CAN trust!
     
  9. downloadking

    downloadking Member

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    I agree with = Yorkiesmurf !!!

    Sorry, you had 2 go thru that kind of situation ...It is best 2 forget about her & move on .. Yes it will hurt 4 a short time! but if you stay w/ her she will always be continuing 2 hurt you in some way or another She just needs to grow up and mature!!! You will find someone who will appreciate, respect & most of all Love you 4 you..
     
  10. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    I'm with those that say it is time to find a new love, one that is worthy of the decent guy that you are.

    To put it a bit more bluntly, the picture I see is that you are being taken advantage of and used by a person emotionally imature and not worthy of your love and respect for her.

    If you think you have been hurt already.... trust me, it will be nothing compared to how hurt you will feel should you continue in this relationship.