[Ask a Girl] I'm "too much" - HELP!

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by 10_3XL, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

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    So I only very recently began my sex life beyond self-love. I'm in my first adult relationship which is also more or less the only relationship I've ever been in! (And yes I'm 24 and yes I realize that's kind of sad/pathetic)

    So I admit to having NO CLUE what I'm doing! I've been winging it and hoping like Hell that I'm doing things right.

    My GF tells me that I'm very good at foreplay and going down, but she's not a fan of when we get around to me "sliding into home." She says that it's not necessarily how I'm doing things but that my penis is too large for her to comfortably/pleasurably handle.

    I never thought about it- I confess that I've been sheltered from what real sex is like - my only education came from porn and guys bragging at school/work/etc. I always thought I was "another one of the guys; totally normal" - and a lot of the stuff I see posted on "help" sites didn't do much to change my thinking.

    We've tried a few different things like lubes, being very careful about pace/depth/intensity, and every position we're physically capable of but haven't had any luck yet.

    So - having said all of that - my question is what should I do in this situation? I like to think I can be creative and I'm really open-minded, but being able to have "normal" sex is important to both me and my GF. Is there anything I can do to help us get to a place where we can both enjoy having sex?

    I'd really appreciate any help y'all can give me! :D
     
  2. AGFUNK

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    Honestly if you are already using lube, plenty of foreplay and just making sure she is wet enough and relaxed I think she is just too small for your penis. Did she have sex before you? Do you use condoms? Is she on birth control? Are you quite sure that she is wet enough and not worrying about sex causing pain?

    Also it's not pathetic that she is your first at 24. Everyone is different.
     
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  3. 10_3XL

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    Thanks for the reply! Here are the answers to your questions:

    She has been with others before. I've been wearing condoms, as well as her being on birth control. I'd like to think she's been getting wet enough. It seems that she's been (physically) ready every time...

    As far as whether or not she's worrying or nervous about the sex causing pain I think that could be a part of the issue. We've talked pretty extensively on this and she hasn't said anything about that. Would that make a difference? Could that be making her dry up - even after all the foreplay and getting her as wet as I know how before actually going for it?
     
  4. BlueCollar

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    Yea don't get hung up on being 24 with your first. I was 18 before I lost my virginity. She was 34, an airline stewardess, and a helluva lot of fun.

    The rest takes time practice and communication.
     
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  5. AGFUNK

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    She could be subconsciously tensing up by thinking up the possible pain.
     
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  6. CaramelLady

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    AGFunk has a great point here....

    Other factors:
    Performance anxiety on her point
    Self esteem or body issues
    Some ladies cannot stand condoms, they rob them of their lubrication
    Does she enj0y penetration as much as the other activities

    Also AGFunk is correct, it is not pathetic to have your first at age 24.
     
  7. AGFUNK

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    I completely forgot about the condoms. We can't use latex because it dries me out way faster and they are uncomfortable. We use polyurethane. Pretty sure it's what it's called. They are called skyn. I barely feel those. There's also lambskin but they do not protect against STDs.
     
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  8. 10_3XL

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    CaramelLady (and AGFUNK) - thanks for mentioning the condom thing to me! I may need to look into the non-latex or lambskin condoms (STDs not an issue/concern)...

    As far as I know she enjoys penetration - she hasn't said anything against it and we've been very open and honest with one another (as far as I can tell). The issue has been coming in from the size of my penis more than anything else. :confused:

    I need to remember to ask about performance anxiety and those other points you mentioned as well. Like I keep saying - I'm really new at this, so stuff like that wouldn't ever occur to me. I always got the impression that all you lovely ladies didn't have sexual performance concerns - us guys are so notoriously easy to please. ;)

    Also I wanted to sneak in here a sorry if any of this is coming across as bragging or boasting or if I seem utterly clueless! :oops:
     
  9. Lizzie73

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    Try letting her take the lead....if she's on top, she can control things and take it at her own pace. That might help her feel more comfortable. Extra (recreational) lube can also be fun, even if you don't need it--I personally enjoy coconut oil. Unless you are huge (btw--just how big are you???), it's really just a matter of relaxing and letting go. Hope this helps. :)
     
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  10. 10_3XL

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    Thanks, Lizzie, for the tip!

    At the risk of coming across as boastful or like "a typical guy" - how big I am when I measured myself last I was about 9.25" long, 2.5" wide, and 8" around... Like I said somewhere before - I never thought I was that big until this whole ordeal started. I need to rework my thinking it looks like. o_O
     
  11. Lizzie73

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    Okay, well that clears things up...you have a really big member! That will serve you well, but for now, maybe try a toy (that's a little smaller than you) to work her up before intercourse. If she relaxes enough, I would think she would love it, but give her time, and start slow...maybe part of the way at first, etc...good luck! :)
     
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  12. EmmaB

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    I'd have to agree with Lizzie about getting toys. I started with some smaller toys and gradually got bigger with them until I was comfortable taking something a big as you
     
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  13. 10_3XL

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    Thank you, ladies! I'll be proposing that idea and seeing how things go. Hopefully I'll be able to post some good news in the near future. I should've realized that sex in life is nothing like movies or the internet. :D
     
  14. EmmaB

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    It can be but you gotta remember those girls have a lot of practice
     
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  15. Ed69

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    My wife had the same trouble 23 years ago.I agree with Emma & Lizzie.Let her take control,time,toys & practice things should workout fine!
     
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  16. Joys

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    First off, I can see from your photos that you are pretty big... But that should not be an issue usually. Female anatomy is wondrous and can - should - adjust to that under normal conditions.

    My wife was a virgin when we met and was very "pain-conscious" though I am not very big, and it took us some time to go to full penetration. I agree with AGFUNK about subconsciously tensing up by thinking up the possible pain like my wife did. And with Lizzie too about letting her take the lead and the use of a toy to work her up before intercourse. After she has an orgasm with a toy that she's comfortable with, she'd be slippier and looser to accommodate you
     
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  17. 12barblues

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    At 8" around , I'm pretty sure that's the biggest cock on the planet.. But I've seen women insert wine bottles... Yes the thick end... So there is hope!!!lol
     
  18. 10_3XL

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    To be fair - I am and always was horrible at math and probably fucked the numbers all to hell on that one. Can't exactly use a straight ruler to get a circumference! I probably put numbers in the wrong places with that damn formula and to this day can never figure out what the fuck "pi" is! o_O:confused:

    I'd say I'd remeasure with an actual tape measure - but I'm kinda (and I think understandably) trying to steer away from the whole "How Big is MY/YOUR Cock?!" thing - I think there's enough of that going around already without me being an instigator/contributor. (Despite all the shit I've already posted on here - for which I belatedly apologize! I'll try to keep it "classy" from now on ;) )

    In any case, thanks for the encouraging words. :)
     
  19. JonJo

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    Forget the maths (pi is approx 3.14; circ/girth is dia/width x pi); forget the straight ruler, use a piece of string then lay that on the straight ruler; THEN FORGET ALL THAT! You have what you have, learn to accept it, don't wish for something else, learn to 'use it'.
    FORGET when you started, we all have to start at sometime and we all differ. We all are at different stages in the journey but that doesn't mean that we aren't all going to arrive. There may be false starts, delays and detours but they are all part of learning the way. Some of us just bumbled along, some asked for/were given directions, some wished they had been given directions.
    Relaxation, of both, and trust in each others 'abilities' and even trust in your 'intentions' is the solution to your problem.
    The vagina is wondrously elastic: In Thai clubs, of a certain nature, I have seen women insert bottles, baseball bats and other large objects, that would but your appendage in the shade; you have seen porn and if you search the net you can find a practice called 'fisting' - all these are possible because the recipient is relaxed, because they know that they can 'take' them.
    Relaxation though can rely on many things, even before the actual sex: The location, the frame of mind/mood, the 'lead-up', the time available, the frequency, the degree to which you actually 'know' each other.
    Are you both really relaxed even before the 'start', at the 'shall we' stage, or is there a lingering knowledge of what might happen?
    Does each 'encounter' have start with the knowledge that it is going to eventually lead to (attempted) penetration?
    Does each 'encounter' have to involve penetration?
    Can an 'encounter' be just for fun and sexual pleasure and satisfaction, for both, in other ways than penetration?
    Your gf says that you are 'good' at all the 'preliminaries'; would she be, is she, satisfied if you just give her pleasure and satisfaction that way; would you be?
    Who makes the decision that 'the time is right', is it always you based on your perception that she 'is ready' or does she say so?
    Does she ever initiate/take the lead? Does she ever 'ask for it'/ say "now"?
    Despite how 'ready' a woman may physically seem to be if there is any slight lingering doubt in her mind about her abilities to 'take it', of possible pain, then this can cause her to involuntarily 'tighten-up' at the last second. There is even a medical condition called vaginismus https://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-causes but as your gf has had previous partners this seems unlikely.
    Others have already suggested this and if she is 'keen enough', wants to enough, then toys can be the answer to her 'doubts' about her ability to 'take' something your size and the knowledge that she can will relax her. There is even a medical device, not a toy, available designed for this purpose - search the web.
    When a woman is fully aroused her pain threshold is naturally lowered by her automatic increased release of endorphins, these are a part of her relaxation to adjust from finger tight to accepting a penis - you just have to some how raised her relaxation/endorphins level to accepting yours. The answer may literally 'lie in your own hands'.
    I will mention that from my own experience that some women do not mind, even enjoy, some slight pain - initially - to achieve the feeling of 'fullness' that adds to, is essential, for their enjoyment; but 'pain' considerately caused. This pain must not be confused with the pain caused by 'misguided' deep penetration when their cervix is knocked. To avoid this type of pain, with your length, you will have to (initially) be very selective with your positions. Others have mentioned letting her decided/control your depth of penetration. Remember young man :) that penetration does not always have to mean full penetration, a few inches more each time may/will prepare her gradually for what is yet to come (cum). Considerately done it may even make her more 'eager'.
    One of the main factors of her relaxation when presented with a 'large' penis is trust - and as in other things trust can only be achieved/gained by experience over time, it cannot just be expected/'demanded' - trust that you/it is for her pleasure not just yours, that you have her 'interests' at heart not just your own. On this having previously watched porn can be a disadvantage; where she may have seen guys with large penis' just 'using' the women they are fucking; if this is the case you have to, if you haven't already, convince her that you aren't that type of guy, which you obviously aren't. Again, in my experience, it is surprising how many women there are that when presented with a 'large' penis for the first time associate it with that kind of inconsiderate sex.

    So after all that my advice, for what it is worth, is; take your time, as she seems willing to give it you, don't rush things - neither of you has to 'perform' - sex, in whatever its form, has to be enjoyed, it isn't something that has to be 'done'.

    Not sure if that is an answer or a thesis but it is meant well.
     
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  20. 10_3XL

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    Jonjo, you again are my hero on here for taking time to send a well thought out and insightful reply! :) To answer your questions...
    • I don't think that either of us is really letting ourselves relax before an 'encounter.' Initially it was nerves from being new with each other (me literally completely new) and since it has been from nerves (on her side) of potential pain/discomfort and (on my side) causing pain/discomfort and leaving her unsatisfied or even regretful of the 'encounter.'
    • Penetration isn't a MUST for me or her. However, she and I both do place importance on it because we feel that at some point it would be nice to have as part of our 'repertoire.' That it is that final piece of making our (sexual) relationship legitimate and complete.
    • Most frequently she will tell me when she is ready or 'ask for it.' Those have always been better times than when I attempted to gage for myself.
    • We are currently looking into purchase of toys and other 'sexual aids' to add to our 'encounters.'
    • Since signing on here and getting advice from all the lovely people here, she and I have been testing which positions, paces, and depths work best. Right now (obviously) a slower pace, shallower depth, and her being on top/in control is where we are at. Both hoping to work up to a 'more complete' point somewhere down the road - but we are not rushing!
    • I hadn't thought of being viewed as a 'user' or 'inconsiderate' lover due to size. It is definitely a likelihood (even if she only feels that way subconsciously) since she and I both are not unexposed to pornography and have even watched it together... I will need to make sure she knows that force, demand, using, and selfishness are NOT in my credo when it comes to intimacy!
    Thanks a million for your reply. It is immensely appreciated. :D