I'm the horny one. He's not.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 2nd sight, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. 2nd sight

    2nd sight New Member

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    I'm amazed at how many women I've seen writing about the very problem I have. At least I know that I'm not alone.

    First let me say that I ADORE my husband. I really do. When all my friends are bitching about their partners I really have nothing to say. He is my best friend and he is very considerate of my needs in most ways except this one. When we do have sex it is good. I'm one of these lucky women who can get off many times in a row. However we don't get around to it very often and we are not very adventurous. Before I was married I was quite adventurous. My first partner was just as wild as I was. We were well matched in that respect but no other. And I still have a strong desire to try new things but I feel like my hubby doesn't really go out for out of the ordinary things. I just feel like screaming to him "haven't you realized I'm kinky?!?!?!" So that is one of our problems. We rarely have sex and when we do we are sort of boring. He does so and so and then I do so and so and then he does so and so etc...

    This is not a new thing. When we first moved in together 11 years ago I was lucky if we were intimate once a week. I wasn't all round and mushy then either so I can't really blame the pounds I've put one. I knew even before we were married that we were not well matched as far as libedo goes. I'm a bit of a freak and he is more restrained. However I was prepared to make the sacrifice because in all other ways we are perfectly matched. We have always had so much fun together. I still get a smile on my face when he calls me on the cell even if I've only just seen him 10 minutes before.

    We are under a lot of stress since I'm always studying or in class (i'm a medical student) and my hubby is having to be mother and father to our daughter as well as keep house and support us financially. He has a lot on him to say the least. I love him so much. I want to please him and I long for a bit of intimacy with him but i feel like that is not welcome. He won't even let me give him oral. I love how in the days after we have a really good session laughter comes easily to us and we are so relaxed with each other. I hate feeling resentful of him when he rejects me. And the rejection is really playing on my mind as well. I find myself wondering if I've become such a hideous crone that he doesn't want anything to do with me. A newer development is that he has had trouble performing. I think this is playing on his mind now and so our problem seems to be snowballing.

    Any ideas to help us? We can't afford couples counseling right now and honestly I don't think we need it. All other aspects of our marriage are and have always been good. A night away at a hotel always used to lead to some wicked sex but we can't do that now that we have our little munchkin. I just can't bear to leave her. I've thought of ordering one of these toys everyone raves about but I don't want him to think that I've given up on him or to be even more self concious about his recent performance problem. I just don't know what to do. I do know that i'm obsessing more and more about sex. I have needs and they are not being met dammit! I used to have an outlet. I worked as a sex text operator and I loved my job but now that I've had to quit for school I don't even have that anymore so I'm stuck obsessing about sex all the time now. I find myself wishing I had a "special friend with benefits". My husband will always be my first choice but right now it seems that I am not his first choice.
     
  2. wedier

    wedier New Member

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    Perhaps ask him what he wants, then tell him what you want. Get to the source of the discrepency.
     
  3. SexyScorp

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    Oh....

    If it helps....you are not alone....

    This is becoming quite a common story these days
    and I too have always found myself with men who
    are no match for me sexually....!!!!

    Cant wait to find one that it....although I would most
    likely kill him!!

    I dont know girl...what do you do...? Wait a while to
    see if things improve.....sacrifice this side of yourself
    for "love" or try and get your needs fulfilled some other
    place?

    In the past I have always waited things out until I am
    almost at breaking point....

    But now, am not so sure...

    Like me you have a young child......it changes everything
    doesnt it?

    I still believe we can love someone with our whole heart
    and yet "outgrow" them....

    Its sad but a fact of life....especially since wome are
    becoming more empowered.....it's bound to happen!!!

    Keep talking...keep sharing....

    ....and pray for a miracle.....as I do....

    (((hugs)))
     
  4. cbrmale

    Gold Member

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    Reading your past, this is almost certainly your problem:

    There are many types of love (someone could write a novel with that theme) and if you get married, you must make sure you have the correct ingredients.

    Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing and desiring, and wanting the other person physically. The physical, sexual side of love called "Cupid" by the Romans.

    Agape is the altruistic, giving, nondemanding side of love. It is an active concern for the life and growth of those whom we love. It is most clearly demonstrated by a parent´s love for a child. Agape is an unconditional affirmation of another person. It is a Greek term for spiritual love.

    Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships. It is also the kind of love described in the biblical injunction "Love thy neighbor as thyself." It is also the greek term for the love found in deep, enduring friendships; a general love of humanity.

    The best type of love includes a blend of all three: where you are best friends, soulmates and sexually attracted to each other. But many marriages are based around a blend of Agape and Philos, and are intrinsically non-sexual.


    I didn't know anything about the theory of love when I got married, except that from day one we couldn't wait to get naked and fuck. And once recored we would fuck again. And we had so much in common too! All this was so very different to my previous girlfriends, who were either good friends but the sex was strained, or the relationship was sex and nothing much else.

    And today, my wife and I have the same things in common, and we fuck as often as we first dated. 2nd sight, your relationship was non-sexual from day one, so I'll let you work out where you think your love fits in all this.
     
  5. SexyScorp

    Gold Member

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    """"Reading your past, this is almost certainly your problem"""""

    Isnt that a little harsh cbrmale....

    It takes two to tango....doesnt it?

    When my partner and I discuss our challenging relationship
    we always come back to the same place "we are both as
    guility as the other"

    ?
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Probably a 'typo'... meaning to type "reading your post...."

    On topic: The stress you mention usually happens to the woman - working a job all day, taking care of the child(ren), cleaning house, etc. That causes a definite lack of libido. The person who carries this role is just plain tired! It's hard to feel sexy or intimate when all you want to do is 'chill'.

    I know when I would go through those feelings, my husband would take over some of my responsibilities (even though he was tired as well). It gave me a boost in my energy level to know that something was crossed off my To-Do list, and often it would translate into a feeling of closeness, which would lead to intimacy.

    Definitely keep the communication open during these years of school. It sounds like the relationship is worth the work.
     
  7. Funseeker

    Funseeker New Member

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    Its funny how usually this is the guys complaint. Life is too short to go through unhappy. If you are intent on staying with him thats great; he likely has qualities you admire.

    That does not mean that another person should be in a position to limit you to being unhappy with your situation. I'm long past any feeling of guilt from opting not to be unhappy.

    Do what gives you fullfillment, there are lots of horny guys that wish they could be with you and are in the same situation.
     
  8. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    The difference i think is a female can have sex many times one after the other if the desire is there, when a guy ( not all ) can usualy only go once, sometimes it isnt due to a lack of wanting more, for me i love sex and wouldnt be able to get enough, and have tired my ex's out. but at times even the horniest of males can only go once.
    Just wondering how in shape is he, has he got a highish testostarone ? ( may have spelt that wrong lol )

    with a guy sadly to be aroused and to feel the wanting of going again and again, is to do with body health and mind. and good blood flow .
     
  9. 2nd sight

    2nd sight New Member

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    Thank you everyone for your thoughtful answers. You've given me some things to think on.

    I am aware of the three types of love and will agree that Eros is where we are lacking. However your assumption is incorrect. We have always had a sexual relationship. The problem is that it's just not sexual enough for my liking. I could cope when we were having sex once per week. Now that it's more like once per month I'm about to go crazy.

    Rose, you have a very good point and I'm vowing to work a bit harder in this department. I need to broaden my focus to more than just school if we are going to get through this intact as a couple. Thank you for reminding me.

    Kronnie, my husband and I both are not fit. We used to be more fit before parenthood and the stress of school and struggling to keep up with work. I've told him before I think his performance problem would go away if he increased his activity. I believe he is trying as he is spending much more time gardening and just generally being outside playing with our daughter. As far as his mind goes I think he has been depressed because his business has been going poorly. Now that things are picking up he seems happier. Hopefully good things will come.

    Most everyone here agrees that we need to communicate. We have talked before but I think that I didn't approach it in the right way. I would bottle it up til I couldn't take it anymore and wound up crying. You can't be rational when you are that frustrated so I intend on talking before it gets that bad again.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    No typo, this is her past:

    "This is not a new thing. When we first moved in together 11 years ago I was lucky if we were intimate once a week. "

    We all know the excitement of a new lover, you can't wait to have sex, and then have it again. In this case a new relationship and having sex once a week is not a good start. Sex usually (but not always) tapers off in a relationship - in this case it has.

    I'm not having sex seven times a week with my wife, we tapered to about four. In this case, once a week has tapered to once a month, which is what happens.

    Eros was always missing, and I don't know if there is a way to reconstruct love in a different format. Certainly it is worth attempting, but keep an open mind while you go through the process.
     
  11. SexFuneral

    SexFuneral New Member

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    Most problems posted here can be fixed with more communication. Its as if people these days are content to stew and bottle up their feelings regardless of how inconsequential or significant the visceral response.

    Nothing is beyond a resolution, Im walking proof of that. (though I still have that bottling feelings problem from time to time)

    Good luck missy, Im rootin for ya
     
  12. eighthalf

    eighthalf Member

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    Lets trade our spouses!
    LOL
     
  13. addicted

    addicted New Member

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    My solution was to take a lover. And now everybody is happier. I am because i am completely satisfied and in a better mood, my husband because i do not bitch him all the time and ask for sex.
     
  14. SexyScorp

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    Sounds like a very good idea

    How did you meet your lover?
     
  15. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I wont go into details. But do buy a wicked toy and let him use it on you.

    I don't know what that is so please explain.
    Just one thing that I would like to point out is the words you used
    Munchkins, And you can't go to the Hotel and have wild sex because of Munchkins.
    This is an issue I had with my wife, We couldn't do anything because of the kids
    And it bothers Men that they now are relegated to the side line.
    Give Him a break and designate at least one Night a week as His night
    And be totally His that Night Not Munchkin's.


    Hiker
     
  16. SWEEETEEZ

    SWEEETEEZ New Member

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    I am like that to I had sex with my guy 4 times in about an hours time last night
     
  17. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Holy resurrected old thread, batman!
     
  18. bricolage

    bricolage New Member

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    What reasons does he give for a lower sex drive than you?

    I have been in a similar situation with my girlfriend recently. I probably act the same as your husband.

    I just lost a lot of sex drive--once a week for sex is good enough to me. And I can go the rest of the week without any sexual tension at all. It has been driving my girlfriend crazy--and I feel bad that I can't give her what she needs and wants. My reasons are that I am stressed out--I have so many things on my mind and get absolutely exhausted by the end of monday at work, rather than at the end of friday like most other people. Do you think your husband might have the same problem?
     
  19. SWEEETEEZ

    SWEEETEEZ New Member

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    we dont get to see each other but once during the week then we uaually do it most of the time in 3's then this weekend I seen him sat. 4 times and sun.3 times but I just cant get enough of him