I'm done lying on these wonderful forums.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Nuggets, Apr 5, 2008.

  1. Nuggets

    Nuggets New Member

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    Search my posts. In reference to this topic, I thought I was getting better, but I really am not.

    I'm extremely jealous over my girlfriend's sexual past and everything I've read tells me I shouldn't be. We've been together for over a year and I love her dearly. I really want to marry her someday. There is no one else like her. Also, I don't love her any less because of my jealousy, if it sounds that way.

    I will explain in further details why I am so jealous if nobody can help me from reading this post. A video on AskDanAndJennifer or whatever really helped me with this for a long time, but these jealous thoughts keep taking over my mind and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my jealousy has begun to affect our relationship in a negative manner and I want that to stop. :(
     
  2. bsxy420

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    im curious as to why you are jealous of her past.
     
  3. Barbwire

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    Nuggest said in January,

    "I have a rather similiar problem with dealing with my girlfriend's past. It really sucks. I think she has had sex with at least two guys and maybe up to six different guys before me. It kills me to think about it sometimes because I was a virgin when I first had sex with her. The only reason I did it was because I knew I was going to love her. We also had sex without a condom the first time, which I didn't really plan on, and it makes me want to go get checked for STDs, which I never have done, even though I haven't had any complications or weird things happen down there.

    There are days where I really can't stop thinking about how much I wish I was her first, but then there are others where I realize that we have the most amazing sex life that exceeds my expectations incredibly. I think we have that kind of a sex life because we love each other so much, on top of her experience. She never really had sex with a good true lover from what I have picked up on. We also try new things here and there and I can usually give her quite an orgasm.

    Let it be known that I am a rather insecure and easily jealous person because this pertains to the rest of this paragraph. About a month or so ago, I was browsing SF and came across an interesting link that has perhaps changed me and made me a better lover. (That's pretty crazy huh?) I still have insecurities biting at my heels here and there, but this link has really changed a lot for me. I think it has strengthened my relationship with my girlfriend and it has definitely made me more secure about this issue than I used to be. I really think you should view this video and consider its contents: http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/lov...stified-video/ "

    --------------------------------------------------------------------



    OK, so you already told us this before and gave us the same site to check out. What gives?
     
  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dude...I'm not sure what to say. I recall your prior threads (and thanks for the refresher CL).

    As human beings, we have all sorts of emotions and instincts. As creatures with amazing intelligence (compared to other non-homo sapiens) we have a responsibility as a human being to use our minds to over-rule our emotions and instincts...it's what seperates us from all the other animals.

    It's not good nor bad to feel any particular emotion, including jealousy. We all do, and it's all perfectly normal and human. However, what we choose to DO with those emotions and instincts is a conscious decision. We can consciously decide to act like a jealous maniac, we can consciously decide to tuck it away and let it fester into unnecessary resentment, we can consciously decide to simply dismiss ridiculous thoughts from our heads (admittedly, sometimes that's not easy), or we can even consciously decide to maybe even find a way to feel turned on by the thoughts. Ya know?

    Question: does the thought of your GF going at it with another guy while you watch turn you on? Think about this for a while, and see if you can imagine it. This will force you to drop some of your inhibitions and insecurities if you can get your mind to the point that this thought makes you feel more turned-on than jealous.

    Other than that, I can't think of any other advice. It's all about emotional maturity...that brings you the ability to make conscious decisions about your emotions.

    BD
     
  5. Dreama

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    Wow. It seems like there's a lot of this type of problem going on lately.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    There must be something in the water Dreama! Either that, or the moon's full...

    I really dislike the green-eyed monster. I don't like to feel jealous myself (and rarely do), nor do I like to make other people feel jealous (just not a good emotion). Jealousy imprisons the jealous-or by making them a slave to their insecurities...AND it also imprisons the jealous-ee if you have a sensitive and caring partner (they'll change their behavior to not upset the jealous-or). So, wouldn't you rather your partner be with you because they WANT to out of free choice, instead of because you've bound, gagged, and chained them to you? I would! If you've chained them to you, you never really know if they want to be with you.

    I think that lots of people play jealousy games to serve their own ends. I don't have much respect for that, and wouldn't choose to do it. If someone is going to choose to be with me, I'd much rather them make that decision based on a more permanent emotion (like maybe love?) rather than a temporary and situational emotion (like jealousy).

    BD
     
  7. cbrmale

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    This is just a free on-line video on You Tube linked from a sex advice forum, so I suppose that Nuggets seems obsessed by the idea. I liked girlfriends who had some experience, and I learned a lot from a couple of girlfriends in my younger days. Later, I was lucky enough to teach what I learned to other's who didn't have as much experience. My first time was cool, 'cause my partner knew all about it.

    I think in my country the average is about a dozen partners for men and women, and I don't think the numbers are much different in the US. So the chances are that your girlfriend's going to have a past.

    In any case is it jealousy or something else? Perhaps the real stress factor is not thinking of her past, but comparing himself to her lovers of the past.
     
  8. FlirtyChick

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    [MOUSE]Get Help Before It Is Too Late[/MOUSE]

    Jealousy can ruin your life. To coin what some people here may feel is a cliche'; See a counselor.
     
  9. Hot Wheels

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    Reread this answer....then, do yourself and your girl a big favour....and see a counsellor.
    Otherwise, you will end up losing her...no doubt!
     
  10. brittany1158

    brittany1158 New Member

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    I agree with flirty chick, see a counselor, it's the only real way to help as far as I'm concerned. A little jealousy is human. Jealousy ruining a perfectly good relationship is not okay.

    Another thing to think about is that she is with you and ONLY you now. She's not with those other guys. She has given herself to you. Think about it.

    I sincerely hope things get better for you, I know how it is to be jealous, and it's a terrible feeling that takes hold of everything in your life. Hopefully after talking to someone you'll get better like I did.

    Best of luck<3<3
     
  11. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    It would be understandable if your jealousy were rooted in some kind of betrayal on the part of your girlfriend. But you're jealous about things that happened before the two of you even met, and which have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Basically you're jealous over things that neither of you can change. That's the kind of jealously that will eat you up inside and serves no purpose.

    I agree with the others. Get help before it's too late.
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Absolutely agreed, PIB.

    BD
     
  13. Joe

    Joe
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    Nuggets, you lost his virginity to your gf and, I assume, haven't had sex with any other woman since, so you have a special feeling for her that you can't have with anyone else: she's your first and only. It's understandable that you wish she could have that same "first and only" feeling for you. Well, she can't. She can love you like she's never loved anyone else, and she can enjoy sex with you like she's never enjoyed with anyone else, but she can't undo what's been done. Neither can you.

    What you can do is ask yourself if you love her, just as she is today. If you do, then you must realize that what she is today is the culmination of every experience she's had in her life. You need to accept her, just as she is, with all those experiences, and be happy that they formed her into the person she's become. If you love her for who she is, you *must* accept her past decisions and experiences that made her who she is.

    If you can't do that on your own, then I suggest, as others have suggested, that you talk to a counselor. He/she might be able to help you to see it in a different light.


    Let me just add that the "first and only" situation for both partners is very rare in long-term relationships. My first wife and I gave up our virginity to each other, and I think I'd have felt the same thing you're feeling if she'd been with others before me. But being each other's firsts did little to cement our relationship. The marriage wasn't a blissful one, and it ended in divorce after 25 years.

    Since then I've been with many women, none of them virgins. I've been married to two, and both marriages were MUCH better than my first. (My second wife died, and I've been with my current wife for 9 years.) Both had children and an active sex life before meeting me. I'm glad they did. It made them the women I could love. And they chose ME after having been with others, not because I happened to be their first. I have felt absolutely NO jealousy, and you shouldn't either.

    You've just got to look at it from another angle. If you can't get to that angle by yourself, then a counselor might help you to do so. The problem lies solely within your mind, as I think you realize.

    Good luck.
     
  14. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    It's...

    ...a fucking epidemic.



    Get it?


    An epidemic of 'fucking'...never mind. :lol


    This is getting absurd and I do not believe any of these guys are a day older than 15.
     
  15. FlirtyChick

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    LOL! Good one!!!!
     
  16. MaxLong

    MaxLong New Member

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    Gotta agree there.

    I'm 27, my gf is 22. She's had sex with a bunch of guys, I've had sex with a bunch of girls. *shrug*. I didn't have to teach her anything. The very first time we were together sexually, we 69'd, and it was fantastic...The first time we had sex, we didn't leave the bedroom for the entire day except to grab some food. In a way, I'm glad she's experienced, and there is no jealousy.

    Most of the time, it comes from insecurity, or feeling "left out". "You had sex with 6 people and I didn't! I want sex with six people!!" kind of feelings. Personally, I think sex before marriage is a good thing, its like dating before marriage. You get to know what you want and don't want, and then later, you can really connect with someone sexually. Maybe its just me, I don't know.
     
  17. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    To begin I am not a fan of Ask DanandJennifer. Personally I feel they tend to gloss over the issues and emphasize positive outcomes without highlighting all possible outcomes. In my honest opinion I believe DanandJennifer try to get visits to their site by talking about sexual topics but avoid discussing all the potential results of the issue being presented. This tends to lead readers, I believe, that if they follow the advice they can have a positive outcome when in fact many of the issues that they do talk about are complex and do not have a prescriptive course of action. It for this reason I do not recommend DanandJennifer and after reading a few of the articles I now avoid reading them.

    Okay I will now get down off of my soap box regarding Ask DanandJennifer. Jealousy is a complex emotion. Like all emotions jealousy has a benefit. One benefit is that it can alert you to a threat to a relationship and like all other emotions it can have a negative effect too. Negative effect from jealousy is that it may be a sign of insecurity about you, lack of confidence, or there is a relationship dynamic that triggers it for example which may lead to problems in the relationship.

    The first question I have for you is there a trigger event or discussion leads you to feel jealous. A common example might be discussing your girlfriend's past sexual history for some guys it can create jealousy especially if they are not adventurous with you as they have been with other guys. Knowing what triggers it won't stop the jealousy but it may help you begin to manage it.

    My next question is this first time you have had this issue or have you had it before with other girlfriends? If it is the first time, as your post tends to suggest, I would take a very close look at your relationship. There may be some type of interaction or relationship dynamic that is triggering it.

    Without knowing more about how it comes about it is difficult to give more detailed suggestions. My recommendation would be is to understand how and when it comes up. Once you understand that find a way to interfere with it (e.g. changing subject of the conversation, leaving the room) or change it. It is my feeling once you understand what triggers it and how it fuels any conflict between the two of you the more likely you will be able to modify the feeling of jealousy so that the feeling works for you and not against you.
     
  18. HardRocker

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    I hope you're reading all this good advice Mr. Nuggets, because not only are you making yourself miserable, but she'll soon get fed up with this nonsense and leave you. It sounds a bit teenageish.

    Your subject line says,"I'm done lying on these wonderful forums." Did I miss something? What is it you've been lying about?
     
  19. MrFusion

    MrFusion New Member

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    You gotta really try and not think about issues in the past. I know it's difficult, but you really have to try.

    The above advice about things like this eating you up inside is true. You HAVE to get over this.

    Think about this.. Lets say you do end this relationship and you meet another fantastic person. You become involved, intimate, and such. Then you find out that she's been sexually active with three guys before you (Which in a lot of cases may be a conservative number). What are you going to do then? You can't keep churning through relationships until you find a virgin.

    Then there comes the issue of a double standard. Now you are no longer a virgin, and the more you churn through women the higher YOUR previous number of partners gets. That's in no way fair to your partner expecting her to be a virgin when you are not.

    I was in a similar situation as you were. Prior to my fiance, I had not had sex with anyone else. (Ok, I had gotten some oral twice but that's it.) My fiance had been experienced shall we say. I know of at least three and I'm sure the number is higher than that. I have never flat out asked her about her past as I know if I knew the answer all it would do is serve to either piss me off, make me sad, make me think less of her, or worse introuduce doubt into my views on our relationship.

    Have I thought of her past? Yes. Does it sometimes piss me off and make me jealous? Yeah, but I would never bring this up as it's totally not fair to her. We weren't a couple, we didn't even know each other. What she did is what she did, and she has to live with that. What matters is that we are together now and we're happy.

    Think about this: If you think knowing she's had a few partners prior to you is tough, think about being in the same room as someone you know her to have been with. That really sucks. I've been in that situation twice. Once I knew from the get go, and the other I kind of figured out on my own and confirmed about two years later (Non confrontationally of course...)

    You gotta let this kind of not get a hold of you. I know it's tough, but be happy with what you have now. We can't change what we did in the past, so why ruin your future on it?