I'm awake!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by collette, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. collette

    collette Member

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    So I thought I would post this here even though it's more of an introduction. I've been married going on 17 years. From the engagement point on, sex frequency and interest on his part went markedly down to the point where I remember telling him that if he wasn't attracted to me we'd better call it off b/c that had happened to me with a former bf and I knew it wouldn't come back. He convinced me it was this, that or the other so for the first 6 years it was school, getting a job, etc. that interfered with his desire for sex.

    Over the years, I have cried, fought, asked him to go to a Dr, counselor, all to no avail. Then it was time to start a family so that was literally the only 4 times we had sex in about 17 years. Unbelievable right? Well I was happy (numb sexually) having and raising those 3 babies for these 9 years.

    So this summer through a series of events I "woke up" from my coma~like existence and realized that although I am 46 I am still attractive and that part of my life doesn't have to be over.

    So here I am - all on fire and not sure what to do with it.........Did have to laugh when I read the discussion on the other thread regarding definitions of "sexless marriages" LOL
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    Hi Collette,
    Welcome aboard and sadly yours is not a unique situation.
    Just as well you have come to the realisation there is still a life to be lived sexually and that perhaps now you can permit yourself the "indulgence" which in fact has been a right all along.
    May your interaction on this site be positive to this pursuit.
     
  3. Texas_Red

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    So are you now divorced, or still married to a guy with a sex drive as active as a ghost town?
     
  4. collette

    collette Member

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    well that is the thing....still married... young children....
     
  5. GreyGoose

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    Welcome to SF I can relate to your pain
     
  6. Texas_Red

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    Yeah that's a tough one. I don't really have any practical advice on that one. Best I could say is maybe it'd be ultimatum time. Either he starts doing his part to satisfy you, or you'll get your satisfaction elsewhere. Hard to say though. :-/
     
  7. collette

    collette Member

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    thanks for your thoughts TR, there is no good solution, that much i know. But i also know that i can't live like this any more.
     
  8. collette

    collette Member

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    Thanks for your thoughtful response LBWalker.
     
  9. Texas_Red

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    Yeah, I definitely understand that. It's not fair to you and hasn't been for some time it sounds like.
     
  10. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    Being similarly frustrated, may I ask about other aspects of your marriage. 17 years is a long time. Ther must be a lot of good stuff there that is worthwhile. Do you ove each other?
     
  11. backcheck64

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    My sympathies, I just don't get sexless marriage. Why people would marry someone that they wouldn't want to ravage the rest of their lives. Your husband needs couseling or a medical evaluation, but you can't force him unfortunately. I understand how busy schedules can make life difficult, like I've said before, both my kids play travel hockey on different teams so we sometimes spend weekends apart due to games in different cities or states, pile on lacrosse, orchestra, academic competitions, etc, plus running two businesses and wife is a medical professional... but with all of that we make sure we have sex at least twice a week, three to four is more on par. And we've been married 24 yrs, together 28.5. You situation is rough with young kids, and they do need their father, I hope he is at least involved with them. Until he deals with his problem, you're kind stuck and that sucks. Have you dropped the divorce bomb in a conversation to get his response? It might be enough to get his attention. His reaction could tell you what you need to do, make good on the threat or get him to seek help.
     
  12. collette

    collette Member

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    Well I will say that the good stuff is that he is a great father to our three boy ~ helps out with anything I ask him to re: house, kid care, etc. Can't really think of separating him from them....
     
  13. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    That is a lot. Maybe backcheck doesn't understand sexless marriage but I do. People marry and stay married for a lot of good reasons. Most of those reasons have nothing to do with sex. Unfortunately it is still very frustrating for the high sex drive partner. One thing to remember (since it sounds like he really loves you) is that the situation can be very difficult for the low sex drive partner. It can be very frustrating to know that you are not satisfying your partner. Remember to express to him how much you love him and how much you appreciate all he does. Its not foolproof but I know that when I succeed in that is when my wife is more likely to respond to my advances. I wish you all the best.
     
  14. Trond

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    May I ask what kind of events? I know it could be anything, but are you starting to feel attracted to other men, or did it have something to do with your husband?
     
  15. collette

    collette Member

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    After having three kids and it being ages since I had received attention so to speak I was thoroughly numb so when someone chatted to me on FB out of the blue one night - someone I knew only casually-telling me what he thought of me I was looking around like, who me? But it just kindof woke me up. Suddenly I could see myself through someone else's eyes. I was feeling so unattractive and undesirable and to suddenly realize that wasn't the case was just breathtaking. An epiphany. That may sound trite but after being
    rejected for so long - -it was noteworthy.
     
  16. lbushwalker

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    Collete,
    That revelation was anything but trite; highly significant in fact and most noteworthy as you mentioned.
    You are stuck in a tight spot but that is no reason to accept it without question any longer.
    The solution seems elusive but something will happen when you least expect it particularly now that you have become aware of others may view you.
    The world becomes a bright place and opportunities you never previously expected suddenly galvanise.
    Learn to trust your instincts and see where they lead.
    Remember life is not a rehearsal at least not to most of us here.
     
  17. cbrmale

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    A common happening in the online sex forum world, and in reality. Often it's men who want more from their wives, but men who aren't interested in sex happens often enough as well.

    The ancient Greeks tried to build the philosophy of love, and they thought it consisted of multiple components, including familial, friendship and eros. I think that in the sexless marriage cases, we have friendship love on one side, and the desire for friendship and eros on the other. That is, one partner is not sexually turned on by the other. The other catastrophy waiting to happen is a relationship built on eros but not friendship. In this instance, once every sexual position and location has been exhausted, there is nothing left! But in the first instance, the partner is a good father, a good man around the house, someone we can talk to, but not sexually attracted to his wife.

    So, the ideal love is friendship and good erotic attraction, and reasonably consistent morals, values and sex drives. But if the basics aren't there, then it's not going to get better, neither on its own or with counselling.

    I avoided committment for various reasons, and then I met someone who not only stimulated my mind, she also, for some reason, generated an erotic aura to me. From our first meeting I couldn't wait to ravish her, and she couldn't wait for me to ravish her too! So, I guess, we had the ingredients. And still do.

    Personally, if I was in a sexless marriage, I would do one of two things. I would have an affair as they are common enough, or I would leave. Our time is limited, at 46 we haven't got forever left, and sometimes our time can be more limited than we imagine. Our time is not worth wasting on frustration and missed opportunities. The best moments of our marriage are not the sex itself, but laying together afterwards, maybe holding one-another in the cold or side-by-side in the heat, cooled by the fan. Feeling loved, ravished, adored, at peace with the world... At that moment, we love each other more than the day we first met, and that's something I would never do without.
     
  18. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    Collette. I hate to read when people o boards such as these reccomend leaving a marriage. It is very easy to say but it is a lazy selfish way to live. Leaving a marriage is an even more monumental decision than making one.

    Have you discussed with your husband your own self esteem issues. Maybe he worries about his ability to provide for you and the boys. I know it is hard to tell him that someone else is interested but it is important to talk. He may have similar feelings about himself. Unfortunately we hide some of these feelings in marriage and it drives us apart. Clearly, quitting isn't the answer. Life IS too short to give up on something you've worked so hard on over the years.
     
  19. FlirtyChick

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    Colette,

    Welcome. We are the same age, and you are at your sexual peak. There is no reason for you to continue to have a sexless life. The marriage part, well I was married for 13 years. It was not a sexless marriage, but it ended because of sex, and that is a story I will tell you if you PM me. It sounds like you two need counseling, or at least you should try it so you can work through what you want out of life and reach your goals, whether they be to stay married or not. I wish you the best and hope to talk more about you!

    Again, Welcome!
    -FC
     
  20. rosie8

    rosie8 New Member

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    Collette this is such a delicate time for you, being newly awakened. It seems to me that if either of you could manage the situation without help, you would have. Would you consider seeing a sexual counsellor? Perhaps with re-assurance of your love and respect for him, as well as your unwillingness to continue as you were, he may be willing to explore what it would take to reconnect with his attraction to you or to sex. It was there once so it may be possible to find your way back to each other with skilled assistance. What are the alternatives? you take a lover or divorce him? not likely to be attractive to him either; perhaps he will try with skilled help.