I'm at a loss...do I give up on my marriage of 19 years?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by rugosa287, Mar 23, 2004.

  1. rugosa287

    rugosa287 New Member

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    undefinedI recentyl found out that my husband had an 'affair' in a chatroom with a woman from Australia. We have been having serious problems for at least 15 years of our 19 year (3.5 years living together before that) marriage due to his drug usage, his inclination towards cross-dressing and most recently drinking. He's told me that all these addictions he has were due to our lack of a relationship. I say it's more like he is bi-polar. Anyway, he felt during the holidays that as far as he was concerned we were through and he intended on divorcing after the holdiays. Chance meeting in chatroom turned into relationship-supposedly no cyber sex-but jeez, they even had a song! For some reason, things have been phenominal since. I think I became so angry and determined to never be hurt again that I became the sexual aggressor, even pierced by clitoral hood, thought we were on a turnaround, that we were going to make it. Found out today, that he is still talking to her in the chatroom, to the point of defending and supporting her when she was attacked by nasty people in chatroom. Sorry, this is so long, it's a friggin soap opera. He says they are just friends, that he can talk to her about anything, that he has been discussing our relationship with her. She is going through a divorce, her hub cheated on her,(hey, why not, latch onto mine!) I'm so confused at this point. How am I supposed to have any trust in him? If they are just 'friends', why hide the fact? I feel right now, that as much as I love my kids, I just don't want to play this game anymore. Can a male and female be just friends?
     
  2. Logger

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    Marriage Boundaries.

    Dear Rosa,

    Sit down with your husband and plan how your partnership with your H can be improved.

    Sutton talks about Frontloading vs. Backloading. Backloading is letting your family member know your feelings after a disapointment has occurred. Frontloading is sitting down when things may be coming up, and planning a path through ther minefield, so that hurt feelings are avoided. Know your boundaries, Cloud.

    I suggest that your husband may have some tirggering times or feelings, tghat lead to feelings of acting out in some way, drugs, internet, etc.

    Find out what those trigger times/situation/feelings are, and see what you, as a couple can work out to work around those feelings.

    Your feeling of betrayal by actions less than technical adultery are not unusaul for many women. Let your H better understand the origination and cause of your feelings, so you all can plan around getting you upset. Many women on marriage builders report feeling jealousy like yours.

    References:

    Marriagebuilders. com
    What Parents should Know About ODD by Dr. James Sutton, docspeaks.com docspeaks. com
    Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

    You have already made good progress, so Congratualtion, and feel good about yourself. Posting is therapeutic, post back.

    What are the daily cycles of desire and action in the marital bedroom? Is there a better way to coordiate desire, satisfaction and satiation? I prefer to get satiated in the morning, but my wife is more approachable in the evening? What do you suggest for me?
     
  3. bigsquirt

    bigsquirt New Member

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    a similar topic was discussed in another forum, i will post my reply.

    well if anyone cares about my two cents. i do not think 'netsex' is cheating at all, and if your significant other knew, it would kill the fun and excitement....

    lets not get carried away with physical and non physical cheating... people have fantasies all the time, you might be at work when u noticed the new blood is wearing something revealing.. or the hottie at a leather store has boobs bigger than her head.. and u fantasize about doing things to her.. but fantasy is fantasy... it builds our imagination and makes us better lovers to our significant other... having a dirty and stimulating conversation over the internet with someone doesn't classify as cheating to me... because i know... my woman begs for it sometimes... and she's the only one that gets every inch of me to herself... inflesh... perfect couples are non existant almost in todays age... we are tempted all the time.. if your woman is the jelous type, unsecure, has low self esteem... fantasy is not in her liking. and she will think ur cheating by looking at another women... and where does the line end?
     
  4. Logger

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    Visioning

    Dear Bigsquirt,

    I agree that many women do not understand that men looking, is different from being untrue. Talking is different from being untrue. Many women can understand the distinctions, and trust their man to make good decisions.

    I have been on some forums where there are a fair number of women who have lost thier tempers and become bitter, lasting months and years, from over-sensitive jealousy.

    Different women have different boundaries of feelings of trust and comfort. I am on Page 55 of Boundairies in Marriage. Whatever boundaries my wife may have, that set off her emotional jealousy, I should try to be sensitive and respectful. Nonetheless, a discussion of the situation, after feelings have calmed down, should be given, to try avoid feelings getting hurt in the future.

    Cloud and Townsend have recently written a book Boundaries, Face to Face, and are currently touring the country over the next few months, giving talks on thier book. $95.00 for a two day session. cloudtownsend.com. I have not looked at the Face to Face book yet, but I personally feel that I fail to get the full cooperation from my wife, and that I am failing to set boundaries for my college age son.
     
  5. bigsquirt

    bigsquirt New Member

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    Great reply.

    I think a lot of woman these days are becoming more and more insecure with themselves and that reflect onto their relationship. Woman constantly find themselves overweight, too this, too that, not enough bust and this all stems into the bitterness they reflect onto their relationship. These woman, expect their minds to be read and for us guys to tell them what they think they are not. Guys have such a lower expectation, than woman have of themselves. Even after you tell a woman she is beautiful, they will deny it. All of this stems from low self esteem, and is the problem of a jelous and insecure girlfriend or wife. Personally, I need my space, I need trust - because trust is very essential with the help of communication in a relationship. This is where most people go wrong. Lack of communication, failure to extinguish any fires that have started and the relationship is in shambles and finally in ruin. Like any fire, things have to be cooled of right at the centre and to the point and practice preventative maintenance to prevent future problems.
     
  6. rugosa287

    rugosa287 New Member

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    Well, if we were talking about 'fantasy' there would be no issue here. He told me he was trying to figure out how to get on a plane to Australia. Not sure how to progress from this point-don't feel like I can trust him. He tells me one thing, does another. Told me he was cutting all ties to chatroom, came home all upset because he said goodbye to a bunch of people, blah, blah, blah. Then I happen to bop into chatroom the next day, and some chick is sending an emote his way about sticking his fingers into her wet pussy. It's just fun and games! Sorry, don't think I want to be with a man who's whole everything is being in a chatroom. We're talking about spending 15 hours a day at work (self-employed)-I've been worrying about him working so much- here, there's all kinds of shit going on I was totally unaware of. Why be married? As far as self-esteem goes, I admit I was suffering from that for a long time. It took me a until now to understand that once I had kids, I didn't know how to be the nurturing mom and the hot mama for hubby. Instead of him reassuring me, he went off and did his own thing and I felt alone. Now, on the other hand, my kids are older and don't need me as much, I've gone to school, looking for a job, busting my butt to get in better shape, etc. I'm a sexy, hot woman who doesn't want to waste any more time being unhappy. If he wants to live in the fantasy world, fine. I want to live in the real world, I want someone who wants to be with me, fuck me, care about me. All of this had made me realize that marriage is not something I believe in anymore. I thank you for your input guys!
     
  7. Logger

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    Boundaries

    Dear Rosa,

    If you have made up your mind, I wish to give your decision respect.

    Personally, I am trying to make my marriage work better. I feel that my wife of some years is not giving my boundaries sufficient respect. But I am taking it as my problem, for now, that I am failing to command sufficient respect.

    I have been talking about Boundaries in Marriage on other forums, and was referred to a video tape course. http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1813624&sourceid=1500000000000000040820

    How are you doing on Love Busters and Backoading? I am doing pretty well in not yelling at my wife, or criticizing her. I ask her to work through role-plays, so she can be more my partner in encouraging improved performance from our college age son who is living at home.

    I was able to get my wife to do a little role playing, to try to get her to confront my son by asking him what she could do differently to be more suportive.

    Have you confronted your husband in this way? Can you approach your husband, "Let's make a list of what you would like me to change to do differently. Let me try to work on what I can, and we can come back to togher issue a little later."

    This puts enormous pressure on him to come up with explanations, and puts the problem back on him.

    Did I ask you abaout any Al-Anon Group? There are listings on the Web. Differenet groups have different philosophies.

    Posting is therapeutic. Thanks fro creating a real-life problem thread on this Forum, as I prefer thsi forum for discussing problems, as marriage overlaps with sex, and many forums don't want to talk avbout sex. I angered some posters on a bord when I revealed that I enjoyed watching erotic videos with my wife. I encouraged othe women with problems with their husbands straying, to find ways to improve the marital bedroom. Can you watch erotic videos with your husband? I like to come home and watch erotic videos with my wife.

    One lady stopped posting to me on a thread, when I told her that I sometimes liked to masturbate after I have mde love. I tld her my wife would make me feel loved while I whacked off. My wife will sometimes wrap her legs around one of my legs, and press her chest to my chest, fondle me, I really feel loved when she does that for me.

    You made progress when you improved your marital bedroom, now fill it up a little more. Having a loving partner along makes things better.

    Maybe have him come home for a breather after 5 or 6 PM, and get him satiateed, and able to focus back on work. Do you have any ideas what schedule changes for satiaton might work beter?

    I mentioned satiation as a concept to my wife recently. She acted like she had no clue what I was talking about. I explained it to her. She has been a little more understanding. Have you assked your husband, "How can we create increased satiation?"

    If any of my comments are too personal, put those comments aside for now.

    I had a van, and I put a bed in my van, and drove to my girl-friend's place of work. She came to my van for her lunch break, and we went at it. Rent a van, throw in a bed and some curtains, and show up at his work. Park in the shade.

    Sometimes you can jump start things. Your situation is challenging, and I will check back within a few days.

    I am not suggesting that you should believe in marriage. I am suggesting that you should do more to enforce your boundaries. One rule of Boundaris is Power, and another is Action. Action can generate power. Power can be both magnetism, and enforcement of boundaries. Is there some way to change the emphasis of your actions, to get better results? It sounds like you are doing a number of activities. Any way to re-prioritize any?

    Is there a different way to say, "Stay off the frigging chat rooms?" I wnat you home at X hour, and we are going to swing from the chandaliers." any way to better manage the kids for some mid-day privacy? "Hey buster, I want you home for lunch, and if I can make it hard, you are going to squirt, and you are going back to work limp, and satiated."

    Blessings either way.
     
  8. Logger

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    Increased Satiation through Visions

    Dear Rosa,

    Suppose your husband has made a comment to you that your weight is more than optimal, or more than he might desire.

    You have chosen to spend time to exercise, diet and lose weight. This is rather time consuming. I visited an erotic video store, and there are many choices of DVD's with thin women. You could spend a few minutes, and $20.00 and get him a vdeo of thin women who are undressed, and performing erotic acts.

    Many women fail to recognize or utilize the visionary aspect that is effective for increased satiation available from videos and pictures. By simply playing some videos, of what your H likes as videos, during foreplay and lovemaking, you can make your husband stay limp longer.

    I just bought a video of older women, so that my wife wouild not be jealous. I have been playing the video after she goes to sleep, and often I will have some sex after my wife is alseep in my arms. That video has at least one scene with a woman with her finger inserted. If your husband thinks it is cool for a thin woman to insert her finger, get him a video, and play that seene in slow motion, backwards and forwards, till he is satiated. Even the same scene evry night for months on end.

    You speak of your desires, but you don't have a list of what your husband likes. Enjoying erotic Images and Love are two different things. You have not described how you have combined Images and Love to maximize satiation in the marital bedroom. My wife often wears old clothers to bed, even though I have bought her easy access satin bathrobes. During love making, my wife is tempermental, and if I get things going before I get all her clothes off, then that's the way it goes. But my wife's body can be part of my visual satiation, but my wife is not at all tuned into my satiation factors. Sometimes my wife says she is cold, and pulls the sheets over her chest during love making, which curtails the potential satitation of enjoying the vision of jiggling breasts.

    One way to get your husband to be more interested in what your boundaries are, is to be more intersted in finding ways to include things on his wish list, into your areas or timings of acceptance. The more you accept of your husband's desires, the more H should be willing to cut out things that you find offensive. Draw two overlapping circles. Put your mutually agreed activities in the overlapping part, and then list his desires in the part of his circle that is not overlapping, your in your non overlapiong section. The goal is to get more things into the overlapping part of the two circles.

    Do you have a secure lock box for erotic DVD's in your bedroom? There are locking suticaes, or locking chests, or drawers, or an inexpensive home safe. A locking file cabninet in the bedroom. Do you have secure bedroom privacy worked out in your home? Can it be improved? How much would that cost?
     
  9. rugosa287

    rugosa287 New Member

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    weight not an issue

    don't have time to reply in length now logger. I am not overweight, but I want to be tight all over and am working out with weights-I guess you'd have to call me voluptous!
     
  10. Logger

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    Windows of opportunity

    It sounds like you feel good about your attractiveness. I did put forth a few other concepts above, and hopefully enough to carry on a discussion. I understand that many of my ideas will be off the mark. But even the irrelevant ideas may suggest a more relevant point for you.

    I may bring up an issue that needs extra sensitivity, so try to let me know sooner than later where to tread more lightly. :idea
     
  11. Logger

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    CORRECTION:

    In myt first post on this thread, about 2/3 down, I refered to a resourse for ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and included an extra "s" on the end of the reference. The correct reference for Dr. Jame Sutton is: dockspeak. com

    The DSM 313.81 has been updated in 2006 I believe, to reflect that ODD does not evaporate at age 18, but continues as a trait that some adults have trouble with.
     
  12. pirouette

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    Wow! Logger, you are really thorough! This thread is 3 years old! :)
     
  13. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    ...and it seems like it's been that long since Mr. Logger has posted around here, as well :whoa

    Welcome home! We've missed you!
     
  14. Logger

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    Thanks for the responses and warm welcome back. I have been trying to catch up on some projects I have delayed. My wife thinks I am more up to date, so I have to catch up before she finds out I am behind, and cuts me off again.

    The SF Forum allows a wide latitude in personal expression, which I enjoy. I resist restrictions. I am looking forward to getting caught-up on my projects and having more free time to enjoy SF.

    This thread came up on a Yahoo search I did for "docspeaks", for which I had entered with the extra "s" by mistake, again.