I'm a bit lost with my relationship...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mestizomad, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. Mestizomad

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    Hi,

    I'm in my mid 20s and I've been going out with my GF for 7 years. I deeply care for my GF and I know that I certainly used to love her however I admit that I don't feel the love anywhere near as much as I used to.

    My GF is a perfect match for me personality wise, she literally hasn't got a single fault, however she isn't the most attractive girl in the world, she is not ugly, but I would say she was a little below average in looks, which I know sounds very harsh and horrible to say.

    The thought of leaving my GF is very painful and I truly think that I would be lost without her as we are such as amazing match in terms of personality. I know so many guys that have hot girlfriends, but there persnalities are off and they have serious problems in that area.

    It's almost like I do love her but I don't lust for her enough, i do occasionally but not enough considering that she is my GF.

    To make matters worse i have a very attractive and single female friend who has been quite flirty with me for over a year now and I do have a serious crush on. I also get on very well with this girl and our personalities are a fairly good match but not as good as with my GF.

    I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don't want to leave my GF, I certainly don't want to hurt her, I know that she loves me and that leaving her would severely hurt her, but at the same time I am not 100% happy and I do lust for another girl.

    Just talking about this does upset me. We have come close to breaking up before pretty much for this exact reason, but we never do as it I genuinely don't want to leave her, and because the thought of leaving is v painful.

    I have actually considered many times staying with her just to make her happy, even though I know I not fully happy myself. As I do really really care for her happiness. And also I know that certainly as you get older, personality is more important than physical looks and lust etc.

    I'm not saying that I'm completely unhappy, as mentioned before our personalities are literally a perfect match, it's just I seem to be in a deeply caring relationship with a girl that i don't fancy that much anymore, and I'm good friends with another girl that I do fancy.

    Am just a bit lost and have no idea what to do.
     
    #1 Mestizomad, Jun 2, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2015
  2. John W

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    I really don't know what to say other than you need to talk. If you are really attracted to someone else, you need to stop. Find out what you want, and then proceed. Relationships are hard, but certainly worth the effort. You are young. Just be open and honest with yourself.
     
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  3. HotForHoney

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    Is that why you are considering the open relationship/3-some?
     
  4. lbushwalker

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    Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence but often it is an illusion.
    Also remember that looks are only skin deep but character deep to the core ;)
     
    #4 lbushwalker, Jun 3, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2015
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  5. MordsithLove

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    Aye...I've been through this similar path a few years ago. As of today we are happily married and life has been well and fair to us.

    You obviously still have love for her. Best thing you can do for the both of you is really talk about it. Tell her how your feeling in all honesty. She needs to know you're not happy and are feeling lost. Who knows, she may not be happy as well. Relationships is a two way road, and both partners need to work on it. It's not one sided.

    Lust will always be around, and love will always need to be kept alive. I wouldn't worry so much for the opportunity of an attractive crush. Worry more so of how to make it work with your girlfriend. What is it that the two of you need/should do?

    Don't go telling her you're falling out of love and lusting for another. She will feel horrible after hearing that. She needs to know you're not happy and you too should know what her needs are as well.

    I took a brief break away from my husband when we were engaged. I felt so lost, insecure, unhappy, and felt the need to be free. He's my first and only love. The fact of that choked me with "what if's" and I lusted for many.

    Long story short...even after moving out, having no one to answer to, and meeting new people...I still wasn't happy. He is my missing link in my life and I knew then it was meant to be. Taking time away really helped, but it was my last resort. Even now, with him gone for training for these last few months, it has made me value him so much more. Time and distance truly does make the heart grow fonder.

    Sorry for the ramble, heed some sound advice. Talk to her, you will feel better about it. Work it out together.
     
  6. BlueCollar

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    1. Clear your head. Take some time to think about what you need. Not just what you want.
    2. Have a long and honest conversation with the GF.
    3. If you go for any other woman before steps 1 and 2, you'll most likely regret it. You've got a lot of time invested in the GF. You owe it to yourself and to her to work on the relationship first. Whatever the end result may be...
    Another thing I've been thinking- do you think the GF has been considering the open relationship as a means to "doing what makes you happy", so you will stay with her if she agrees to this? If so, that's a big red flag.
    Anyway... Take time, figure things out, and talk dude. That's all you can do.
     
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  7. Clintriprock

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    This is a potential scenario....
    You break up with her and date other "hotter" women. You get tired of the flings and the inability to connect. After a short while their attractiveness wears off due to all kinds of different reasons. You go crawling back to your ex...
     
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  8. sandwich

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    Is your gf the one you want to spend your life with? Is she the one you can't live without?.... Or is she just someone you can live with?

    I'm sort of bad at relationship advice on this forum because I have never had casual sex or been in relationships where love is not involved. So....if you want a loving relationship my advice might help, and keep reading below.

    Seven years....some marriages don't last that long. I just checked the divorce stats (caveat: I don't know how accurate the online source is) and found that divorces happen after an average of 8 years of marriage. Before I continue....let me give credit where it is due. My mom talked with me at length about marriage and how great it is as well as how hard it can be, so anything I say comes from that.

    I know you're not married, but it may help to think in those terms since you've been together so long. It seems that people fall out of love for various reasons. You mentioned not feeling the love, but consider that the fluffy fuzzy starry eyed feelings come and go in long term relationships. It seems you have to work at it to keep things alive and mix things up, so you could experience this even with the hottest woman in the universe. I think the love flourishes when you practice the mindset whereby it is better to give than receive. It you're focusing primarily on how you feel and what you're getting then you are bound to be disappointed because people are imperfect and often disappointing. This is not to say that a person should never consider than or own feelings and interests.

    You have to work at love in long term relationships whether you are married or not. That involves focusing on what you like about the person on days where you're not feeling it. Every time I wash a wine glass or open the the wine glass cabinet I have to remember that the arsenal of wine glasses we have are there because the man I love is into wine tasting and cataloging. It seems like a waste of space to me, but it's important to him so I go with it. (We have wine glasses not just for white wine and red wine but different wine glasses for every type of white wine and red wine. We have doubles sets of each because he like the ones with stems sometimes and at other times ones without stems.)

    If she is is your future then I would distance yourself from the other girl, even if you have to ask her to stop flirting. If she is not your future, then why are you still with her?
     
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  9. backcheck64

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    You mention you're GF isn't the greatest looking. Why did you ask her out in the first place? Are you like a 5 and she is too, but you happen to get hit on by an 8? Or are you an 8 that settled for a 5 and now having second thoughts? You shouldn't date someone you think is so so looking. I personally never dated below where I was told I was by numerous people, no not my mom and grandma. I was always told I was an 8 or a 9 and had plenty of attention from hottest girls that attended my school and surrounding schools. I never dated less than a 8, usually 9s and 10s. When it came to marriage, I married a solid 9, but when combined with her personality and compassion, she's a 10+. Now if you're also a 5 or so, maybe this chick hitting on you is just playing around and not worth the risk.
     
  10. Candela

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    That's very admiral of you not wanting to hurt her!..Just saying that speaks mounds about you!..Thinking she isn't hot makes me kind of sad because,In a persons mind ,Someone is always hotter .You say your personalities click perfect!. .That's the #1 thing along with compatibility to make a relationship work. This "other" flirty girl is just that!. .Nothing more!!. .Just because your girl doesn't look like a goddess doesn't mean she isn't beautiful inside and only has the best thoughts for you .The grass always looks greener on the other side until you try it and realize that the milk was sweeter where you were.Don't waste your time always wondering what if!. Its very hard to find a person that will go to any extreme to be with you,Many are just looking for a fast fling and then on to the next.Sounds to me like you have a keeper there and as you grow together the hotter she will become..Good luck..JMO xo
     
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  11. rockypeak

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    I'd go wth the one with the bigger boobs.
     
  12. HotForHoney

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    Said the man who wanted to leave his gf with small boobs.
     
  13. Alwayslearningsex

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    OP, you have to get honest with things, yourself and get on with things.
    If you are not feeling it, is it always this way? If I understand you have loving feelings but you don't love her, correct?
    Or is it the ups and downs?
    I stayed with my ex out of feeling guilt especially when having kids when the love was gone, and I would have left without them around.
    There are reasons the loving died, but to keep it about you, but using that experience as background, if this is similar to what it was like for me, you would be unhappy in the long run, she would sense things are wrong, you would live a lie.
    Get things figured out, and make your peace with the result.
    If not happy, you cheat not only yourself, but someone else, and causing deeper hurt than leaving sooner.
    Don't use guilt, respect, loving feelings and caring for reasons to stay. This said, be sure where you stand when you decide.
    If the right thing to do is leave, DO IT, be a man about it and do the difficult thing.
     
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  14. lbushwalker

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    Always learning makes a lot of sense if the situation is really that way.
    I stayed in a married household for 15-20 years too long because of a sense of duty to my spouse and children.
    On balance I regret staying at least the last 7 of those years.
     
  15. MordsithLove

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    Ladies. Just go with the one with the bigger cock. Because bigger is better, right?

    Try to give the OP some advice. In all seriousness, what he is going through isn't a fun situation. It's emotionally tiring and frustrates almost all of daily life duties.
     
  16. Clintriprock

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    This is true.
    It's like that old tv show Let's Make A Deal. You want to keep your prize or go for what's behind Door #2?