IF you cheated, would you admit it?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Joe, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. Joe

    Joe
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    It seems most of the members here say they wouldn't cheat on their spouses/partners, but we all know it happens with others, and I believe it could happen to most people given all the right circumstances.

    IF you can imagine that it happened to you (you were drunk, halfway around the world, just had a long distance fight with your S.O., hadn't had sex in a year, etc., etc.) and you were relatively certain he/she would never find out about it unless you admitted to it...

    1. Would you admit it to your partner immediately?
    2. Would you plan to admit it later (months or years)?
    3. Would you keep it to yourself?
    4. If the situation was reversed, would you want to be told?

    I've seen comments in other threads that made me wonder. (No, I haven't gone out and done something stupid. I'm just curious.)

    I'd probably keep it to myself, and I think I'd rather my wife did the same under those circumstances.
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    personally, I don't think anyone cheats for shits and giggles. I think there has to be some sort of underlying cause. I'd try to figure out what that might be, THEN admit my mistake to my partner, so we can fix what the problem was in the first place.
     
  3. Barbwire

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    If he asked me straight out, I'd answer him truthfully, BUT, if he didn't ask, I wouldn't volunteer the information.

    Now, if suspected HIM of cheating, I would expect an honest answer if I asked about it, but I'm not so sure I would ever ask in the first place.

    Some things are better left alone and unsaid.
     
  4. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    It depends on what the girl means to me. If she's just a fling then no, but if I really liked her then I'd be honest.
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    If given all those "circumstances",
    It already sounds like a bad relationship....

    But in my 'real world', I could possibly "flirt", then brag about it to Thorn - hoping to get him pissed off.

    But to actually touch, or kiss... or even worse....? - I'd die of guilt and embarrassment! We've been married over 30 years! I can't imagine doing something so cruel and hurtful to someone who is my life, and with whom I desire to spend my helpless, 'needful' years.

    As angry as I have been with him sometimes, he will always be the only man who has been my lover.
     
  6. Barbwire

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    I want to clarify my earlier comment. I was assuming this was meant to mean a one time thing, not a long history of cheating. I think, were that the case, things would be much different.
     
  7. FlirtyChick

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    Well, I agree with you that anything can happen, especially when physical attraction and alcohol are involved. When I met my hubby I lived with a long time partner (12 yrs) who had physically and mentally abused me since I was 17. That being said, I bonked hubby (then boyfriend) while I was trying to find somewhere else to live. Now, I would not cheat on my husband for anyone, because he is the love of my life. To answer your question, if I did totally screw up I would tell him out of guilt and shame, which goes back around to the reason I would not do it in the first place!!
     
  8. Joe

    Joe
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    Rose, I know what you mean, that you just can't imagine cheating on Thorn. I felt that way with my late wife. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing. Now I just don't want to. My wife and I are very close, but not so close that it's impossible to imagine.

    "I can't imagine doing something so cruel and hurtful to someone who is my life...."
    Some say "what you don't know doesn't hurt you." I don't think that's completely true; YOU would know, and that would surely damage the relationship you have, but easing your guilt by confessing might hurt Thorn even more. (I'm not picking on you, Rose; I'm just sayin...) :lol And THAT is why I don't think I'd tell.

    The only good that could come from confession would be to ease your own guilt. If I got myself into a sticky wicket, I think I'd rather bear the guilt than cause more pain to my wife. Or maybe I'd just use that as an excuse for not having the guts to admit what I'd done.

    I don't have strong feelings about it either way, just wondering what most would do.
     
  9. Thorn

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    I've stated before in similar threads that I'd tell her. Maybe partly because of my inner guilt but also because I know she would forgive me as would I forgive her if she told me that she had cheated. Although I can't see me ever cheating I know there could be an unplanned situation and oppertunity in the future that would bring me to a real test and decission. I would hope that I would stay true if that happened.
     
  10. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    I cheated and i told my partner the next day. I personally would find it difficult to remain in a relationship where there was dishonesty on either side so i either had to come clean or end the relationship. Luckily he forgave me and we are still together now.
    If my partner cheated i would like to know so i would have the opportunity to decide what to do about it, or to try and resolve any problems that had made him want to cheat.
     
  11. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    The only type of cheating I've done with my SO is cyber "cheating." And even then I felt so guilty about it that I ended up telling him. He said that he really doesn't consider that to be cheating, as it's really only enhanced masturbation, and he also doesn't mind if I want to cyber with others. This was a long time ago,...long before I became a member of :sf. Still, I made up my mind never to do it again (so don't bother asking).
     
  12. Barbwire

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    That's how things are here, Puss. My husband knows I cyber and doesn't mind at all, in fact he loves to hear all about it. To me, cheating is physical and he agrees.
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Great questions! When I got married, I did so knowing that I was making what was intended to be a life-long commitment to another person. I asked myself "Can I sleep with no one else but this person for the rest of my life?" The answer I got was "Yes." I'm pretty strong about doing what I believe is "the right thing", even regardless of how I might personally feel about it. I've been faithful our whole 11 years so far, and I do intend to keep it that way. I don't think I could actually cheat...even if she didn't know, I'd know. And, I do believe in honesty, so I don't think I could not confess it to her. I think I'd have to tell her, and take the consequences. That's actually what I'd want her to do for me. If she cheated, I'd actually want her to confess it to me. If she confessed it, I'd actually find it much easier to forgive her than if I caught her instead.

    This reminds of some things in the past. When we first met, it was a less-than-ideal situation, and about 3 months into it she confessed that she had still been sleeping with her old live-in boyfriend while she was sleeping with me. There were some unusual circumstances, but is that "cheating"? Most I think would say "yes", but I'm not sure about that (especially given the situation)...however, the reality is that it didn't matter in the big picture. I considered that she had clearly demonstrated a commitment to me AND had the guts to confess something that I would have never even known....I so respected her for taking that step given what I knew that I found it easy to forgive her and move on. It just wasn't worth throwing away what I felt like could be the relationship that I had been looking for over decisions made in a situation where it was really difficult for either of us to make truly noble decisions. (Seriously...I simply couldn't judge her...I made the decision to sleep with a woman who was living with someone else, so I had some responsibility in the situation too. I couldn't cast a stone, I wasn't exactly Mr. Purity either.)

    In the real world, it's simply not reasonable to think that we will never see another person that we feel sexually attracted to...we are human beings, after all. And there's always a chance that any person can unintentionally find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong set of weaknesses. I *think* I know what those handful of situations are where I'd find my body and libido strongly telling me one thing while my conscience is telling me the opposite, and there is actually a decision that I would have to make. I consciously choose to not put myself into one of those couple or three situations where I know I might have to struggle to make the right choice. And in fact, I have pre-thunk what I'd do in those situations...that even prepares me better to make the right choice if I did find myself in one of those situations. As far as I'm concerned, anything else is mostly OK because I know that I can make the right choice...I generally don't think with my little head. ;) So, is there a chance that I could do something I shouldn't? The reality is "yes", there's always a chance, but it's awefully slim. And if I did make a bad choice (I don't call this a "mistake"...things like this aren't an accident, it's done with intent, even if the intent may have only appeared seconds before), I know I'd have to confess it (that's the example she set early on), and that would probably be sooner rather than later. I know she'd be hurt, I love her and I don't want to cause her any hurt (which is also a really good deterent!), but I think she'd be more hurt if I confessed it years later rather than immediately or nearly so.

    Now, this really brings up an interesting question...what do you define as "cheating"? Maybe I'll post a poll to see what most peoples definitions actually are.

    BD
     
  14. Barbwire

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    BD, we've already discussed the definition of "cheating" here quite a few times. Look it up and you will be amazed. ;)
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Actually, I should have figured there's probably already been polls about the definition, eh? Oh well...too late! I've already posted a poll...let's see if we get any new and unusual answers! :dgrin

    BD
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    [​IMG]

    ...just this once.... just between you & me.... I'll never tell....
    :rofl
     
  17. cbrmale

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    My answers are numbers 3 & 4. Humans are sexual, and we often meet people we are sexually attracted to. Sometimes we flirt, sometimes it goes further. Usually there are other circumstances, maybe someone is spending a lot of time away from home and is lonely for example.

    But if the basic relationship is sound, why run the risk of damaging or destroying it?
     
  18. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    For me it would depend on how cheating was defined and what happened. Once I knew that then I would make the determination of what action was taken based on what happened.
     
  19. cook74

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    Ohhh! :( Come on Puss...

    Nah! I'm only joking, I'm pretty damn bad at it anyway :eek:
     
  20. cook74

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    Joe, I have done many things that my partner would consider cheating (I never did, consider it that way) I explained to her what happened and gave her the graphic details as she requested them. The more I said, the more upset she got,but she still probed further. When there was nothing more for me to divulge she grew suspicious, even though I had laid all my cards on the table.

    I have learned my lesson, either abide by strict rules or keep my mouth shut. :shrug

    I am still undecided...

    BTW. For those who think I'm being a prick, well, I sometimes agree with you...